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DearSugar Needs your Help: Is the Passion Gone for Good?

DearSugar and Passionless Paula need your help. Although she has the most amazing boyfriend in the world, the passion is gone! Is there a way to save their relationship or should she cut her losses and find the excitement and intensity with another partner?

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I do believe I have the perfect boyfriend: he's sweet, beautiful, smart, funny, caring, understanding, he's everything a girl could wish for! But we've been together for more than 3 years now, and I have come to realize that I'm not physically attracted to him anymore, although he´s beautiful and has a really hot body! I know that this is a really common issue, and I've tried to work it out, but I just can't.

So, my question is, should I try even harder to make things work (even though I don't really feel like doing it) or should I just move on? I feel really horrible for thinking of leaving him just because the passion is gone, but on the other hand, I'm only 23 years old and I'd like a little more passion in my life. But again, he's really a wonderful boyfriend and I love him. Please help! I really don't know what to do here!

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nessabum nessabum 9 years
if he really is that wonderful, try your very best in doing a joint effort to rekindle the romance. remember, he's in it too, so he needs to be aware of your feelings.
nycgirl nycgirl 9 years
I agree. My fiance and I have been together 3 years, and I am no longer wanting sex all the time. It went from lusty cloud-9 love to a deeper more mature love, and I embrace that. But I'm 27 now, and maybe at age 23 I wouldn't have been ready for that. You are quite young and should figure out what you want. If the thought of getting married in the next 2 yrs is not what you want, then maybe it's time to get in some more excitement before you are tied down. But if he's the real deal, like my sweetie was, then it might be worth it to settle down. I do regret not having more time to 'play around' but I know I would regret dumping him infinitely more. Good luck!
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
Anyway, do not just throw it away and look inside yourself to see what it really is --if the honeymoon phase is just over -- work on rekindling your passion. You do say you love him and he is awesome so there is a good possibility it can be worked out and trust me at my age I have been at the "you don't know what you've got till its gone" stage and it ain't pretty. On the flip side, however, if you do not want to have sex with him again and really dislike being with him etc, then there is more to it (despite you thinking you love him and he is awesome he may not be awesome for you). Try to figure out what it is and if it can be helped, but if you cannot get over it (and you state that you have tried for a while and don't feel like working on it anymore) then listen to your gut, but don't be surprised if when you join the "don't know what its like till its gone" club.
Vsugar Vsugar 9 years
Well, I think the ladies are right. If you have a hard time getting interested in the first place, but then the sex is good and satisfying, then I think it's just the normal comfort settling in, and you should be happy that you have someone you can really love without the passion only keeping you emotionally engaged. But you said you aren't attracted to him anymore - does that mean that you find him a little repulsive? Is the thought of having sex with him actually "icky" to you? Because if that's the case, maybe you aren't in love with him anymore. My fiance and I have definitely cooled off a little in the last year, but I still think he's sexy, and even if I'm not in the mood 10 times a day (the way I was when we first met!!), I know that I like having sex with him, and find him attractive - I just feel settled now, and when you have a really rock solid sex partner, who you know loves you, sometimes a good night's sleep sounds better!! But if you feel grossed out at the thought of having sex with him, like he's your brother or something, I think that's a big problem. And chances are, he wants to be with someone who is totally turned on by him - no nice guy wants to be with a woman who is repulsed at the thought of having sex with him. If the idea of leaving this great guy is really upsetting to you, then I agree with whoever said to seek therapy - it might help you get to the bottom of what's making you feel that way. And if it's just that the years have softened the passion a little, don't worry - it really does happen.
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 9 years
Just rewording what everyone else has said: a decrease in passion and no longer being attracted to someone are two different things, albeit difficult to distinguish sometimes... Don't give up just yet. Figure out what the problems is -- do you no longer feel the desire to be with him physically, or have you two just settled into the "too comfortable" part of the relationship (not going out anymore, etc.)?
mixed-media mixed-media 9 years
I agree with others, this is just a reality of dating. However, if you don't enjoy having sex anymore at all that may be an issue. I know since I've been living with my boyfriend for awhile we have sex a lot less, but it's not any less enjoyable. Just because you're not ripping off each other's clothes anymore doesn't mean that there will never be any passion or that there's something wrong with your relationship. However, if you really don't feel attracted or inclined to have sex with your boyfriend anymore, it may be time to move on. The best thing that you can do is talk to your boyfriend without being angry or accusatory. Maybe he is having the same feelings, or maybe he could be doing more to make you feel passionate. Communication ALWAYS helps.
tinywhale tinywhale 9 years
I had the same problem once, also after 3 years... the passion did never come back, and I even waited for 2 long years more. I got to the point where I could not stand having sex anymore! It is not a nice thing to let happen. Thankfully I took the courage and left and I got passion back! You are still too young to make compromises in that department. One day in the future - sure - eventually it happens, but not at the age of 23 if you can help it. My personal opinion is try, but not for too long. Hope you'll find your way!
Marci Marci 9 years
As is so often the case, popgoestheworld's take is compassionate and beautifully said. I agree with everything she says - all good words to consider.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
I have experienced similar issues with boyfriends. I think part of it is expectations, especially the first time it happens. When the honeymooon phase is over and you're settling in, no one is going to be able to maintain the level of physical attraction that you have at the beginning. The first time the drop off happened to me, I totally stressed out! I felt like "oh no, I'm falling out of love what is happening??" But then after having the same experience over and over, and watching friends go through the same thing, I realized that it's just a reality of dating someone for a long time. My current BF and I have been together 2 1/2 years and we have way less sex than we used to. However, we do still have sex, and when we do, I enjoy it. I have found that is the key. If you really never ever want to have sex and when you do, if you hate it, I can't think that is a good thing. I don't know how you get past that. Final thought: Passion is nice, but it's not true love. Look at all the older, happily married couples that you know. Chances are they are best friends and really just have a deep love for each other. The chances are pretty slim that they are taking each other home every night and having wild sex. I'm just saying that in the end, a whole lot more matters that passion.
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
Have you talked to your bf about this? Perhaps you two could go to counseling. Are you two planning to get married? If so, I think the old saying goes something like, "You don't know what you have until you lose it." If your bf is as wonderful as you say he is, I would try to stick it out for a little longer and see if you two can rekindle some of that old passion.
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