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DearSugar Needs your Help: Tactless Guests are the Worst!

Dear Sugar and Manner-less Margret need your help. What is the hostess to do when uninvited guests show up to a party unannounced?

I am hostessing a shower for a friend and have sent out invitations. Two of the guests are bringing additional guests with them that I had not planned for, or invited. I am offended because they did not ask my permission but just simply stated they were bringing them. I thought that was a big no no?! Now I am beyond stressed because I do not even know these people and will not have enough wine glasses, favors, food, etc... and my home is very small. Plus, they informed me of this only four days before the shower. I am sure they assume the guest of honor will not mind (which she won't) but what about ME, the person who is providing the money, time and home for this event? Their lack of manners caught me so off guard that I was left speechless -- is there anything I can do or say or is it too late?

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vmruby vmruby 9 years
One of my future sister-in-laws(who was notorious for bringing uninvited guests to a party) did the same exact thing at my bridal shower. After months of asking her to get a list of relatives and friends from my husband's side,(my husband eventually ended up taking care of the list) by my maid of honor and being ignored,she shows up that day, yet again, with uninvited people.So i approached her and very calmly informed her that there was no money to pay for the extra guests(which was a lie but at that point i was determined not to let her get away with that BS) but if she wanted to she had 2 choices she could either tell them they had to go home or pay for their plates from her own pocket.She paid for them (only because she didn't have the balls to tell them they weren't invited in the first place) and needless to say we cured her of her tackiness because she never did it again. We have been the best of friends ever since.....:)
ash_marisa ash_marisa 9 years
I assume that if the bride wanted these guests there, she would have put them on the invite list that she gave you
cubadog cubadog 9 years
What incredibly rude people. You and the 2 guests are assuming that the showeree won't mind but if she really wanted them there than she would have included them on the guest list. I see nothing wrong with INFORMING the 2 guests that unfortunately you are not able to accomodate extra guests and appreciate there understanding.
onesong onesong 9 years
this is definitely a tough one, but i agree most with the advice that says examine these people from two points of view: 1) will the showeree appreciate them being there? and 2) is the extra work really that much at this point that it precludes having them? if these are people the showeree actually dislikes or doesn't know from adam, then by all means put the kibosh on it. if she knows and likes them, though, then have them! also, although 4 extra people can most definitely throw off perfectly planned plans (which is frustrating for the type-a's among us), think about the work it truly means...4 extra favors (which will probably be the biggest problem) and 2 extra bottles of wine...i'm sure you've planned for people eating more than their "fair share," so there should be plenty of extra food. I also want to say that if you decide to allow them to come, i wouldn't recommend saying anything to those (undeniably RUDE individuals!) who invited them...it's just as rude to point out other's gaffes as it is to commit one, so just smile, enjoy your reputation as a super gracious hostess, and have some fun.
onesong onesong 9 years
this is definitely a tough one, but i agree most with the advice that says examine these people from two points of view: 1) will the showeree appreciate them being there? and 2) is the extra work really that much at this point that it precludes having them? if these are people the showeree actually dislikes or doesn't know from adam, then by all means put the kibosh on it. if she knows and likes them, though, then have them! also, although 4 extra people can most definitely throw off perfectly planned plans (which is frustrating for the type-a's among us), think about the work it truly means...4 extra favors (which will probably be the biggest problem) and 2 extra bottles of wine...i'm sure you've planned for people eating more than their "fair share," so there should be plenty of extra food. I also want to say that if you decide to allow them to come, i wouldn't recommend saying anything to those (undeniably RUDE individuals!) who invited them...it's just as rude to point out other's gaffes as it is to commit one, so just smile, enjoy your reputation as a super gracious hostess, and have some fun.
partysugar partysugar 9 years
Ok, take a deep breath. When you throw a party you have to be prepared for everything and extra people is just something that will always happen at a party. It was rude of them not to ask but if you want to make your party memorable you need to get past it and make the room for the extra guests.
rkdub rkdub 9 years
You know what though, this day is not about you, or your house. It is about your friend, and with that said, don't buy any extra food, or any more cups or anything else, just let everyone show up and when the food and drink runs out, it runs out! No one will care about that anyway, they are all there to just have fun. I have been to my fair share of showers where I was sitting on the floor because we had run out of chairs and you know what? That is definitely NOT what I remember most about those days!!!!! Besides, showers are always so much more fun with more people....
sugar-n-spice sugar-n-spice 9 years
Its the fact that they INFORMED you! grrr!
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
Don't do anything now-- I have been in this situation and it is really important to not piss off the shower honoree's friends. I think they have terrible manners (I'd never go to a shower to which I wasn't specifically invited), but you want things to go smoothly the day of. Look at it this way-- they DID tell you, though they should have asked you, four days in advance, rather than just showing up. Some people have a much more casual view of these things. I have been to very casual showers and super regimented ones, and sometimes people mix them up.
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
Don't do anything now-- I have been in this situation and it is really important to not piss off the shower honoree's friends. I think they have terrible manners (I'd never go to a shower to which I wasn't specifically invited), but you want things to go smoothly the day of. Look at it this way-- they DID tell you, though they should have asked you, four days in advance, rather than just showing up. Some people have a much more casual view of these things. I have been to very casual showers and super regimented ones, and sometimes people mix them up.
junebrug junebrug 9 years
I agree that this is terribly rude of them. But being a hostess is an adventure, and unfortunately this sort of behavior happens all the time. Personally I would try accommodate them, cut the roast into smaller portions, get more plastic glasses. A great hostess thinks on her feet. It's not about it being perfect, it's about having fun. That said, if you cannot accommodate these guests, you are perfectly within your right to tell the invited guests they cannot bring more people. And let them know privately not to do it again, so it doesn't happen next time. I recommend Cynthia Rowley's book "Swell" for more ideas on how to how to spread the wealth at over-packed parties.
lms lms 9 years
I agree that they should have asked to bring them and not told you that they were bringing them. However, if you realize that this (extra people) will more than likely happen alot when you throw parties, then you should just make sure you have enough food/drinks/decorations for extras. Even if extra people didn't show up, your invited guests may want more. I would rather throw away left overs than be embarassed b/c I didn't have enough to go around. It is really bad when I go to certain types of parties and the food is rationed down the the last piece of bread. Also, alot of times people that have RSVP'd don't show up and it all balances out in the end.
lms lms 9 years
I agree that they should have asked to bring them and not told you that they were bringing them. However, if you realize that this (extra people) will more than likely happen alot when you throw parties, then you should just make sure you have enough food/drinks/decorations for extras. Even if extra people didn't show up, your invited guests may want more. I would rather throw away left overs than be embarassed b/c I didn't have enough to go around. It is really bad when I go to certain types of parties and the food is rationed down the the last piece of bread. Also, alot of times people that have RSVP'd don't show up and it all balances out in the end.
ash_marisa ash_marisa 9 years
haha, thats hilarious bella...."its not a kegger, its a shower" most brides give their hosts a list of people they want to invite. if she didn't include those people's names, she probably did not want them to come. honestly, i would feel super uncomfortable going to such a personal event if i was not originally invited.
ash_marisa ash_marisa 9 years
haha, thats hilarious bella...."its not a kegger, its a shower"most brides give their hosts a list of people they want to invite. if she didn't include those people's names, she probably did not want them to come. honestly, i would feel super uncomfortable going to such a personal event if i was not originally invited.
Beauty Beauty 9 years
Tacky! But, sadly, typical of so many people. Are these party crashers friends of the showeree? If so, you might have to just grin and bear it. Spacebear is right: It's all about the showeree and who she wants to be there. If she'd be happy with these people, then let it go. You're 100% allowed, I think, to pull the tactless guest aside and sweetly say, "I wish I had known that you were inviting other people. I'm happy to have them join the festivities, of course, but I had to make extra arrangements to accommodate them." If these people have never met the showeree or would not be welcomed by the showeree, then yes, you may want to say, "Oh, Suzy Nomanners, I'm so happy that you will be coming. Unfortunately I only have so much room so we've had to keep the guest list small--I hope your friends will understand that I can only accommodate people who were invited directly." It's not like it's a kegger; it's a shower!
Beauty Beauty 9 years
Tacky! But, sadly, typical of so many people. Are these party crashers friends of the showeree? If so, you might have to just grin and bear it. Spacebear is right: It's all about the showeree and who she wants to be there. If she'd be happy with these people, then let it go. You're 100% allowed, I think, to pull the tactless guest aside and sweetly say, "I wish I had known that you were inviting other people. I'm happy to have them join the festivities, of course, but I had to make extra arrangements to accommodate them."If these people have never met the showeree or would not be welcomed by the showeree, then yes, you may want to say, "Oh, Suzy Nomanners, I'm so happy that you will be coming. Unfortunately I only have so much room so we've had to keep the guest list small--I hope your friends will understand that I can only accommodate people who were invited directly." It's not like it's a kegger; it's a shower!
spacebear spacebear 9 years
People are tactless sometimes. I cancelled a b-day thing i had planned because a friend invited some people I don't like (long story) so I decided to just avoid it and have dinner with friends instead. This situation is different cause it is for the "showeree." This time you just have to take a deep breath and let it go if you can manage.
spacebear spacebear 9 years
People are tactless sometimes. I cancelled a b-day thing i had planned because a friend invited some people I don't like (long story) so I decided to just avoid it and have dinner with friends instead. This situation is different cause it is for the "showeree." This time you just have to take a deep breath and let it go if you can manage.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
I agree with Lickety Split. You may be hosting the party, but try to keep in mind that the end goal is making a great experience for the showeree. Or whatever you'd call her. :PYou have to really consider whether the extra hassle of picking up another dish and a few more favors <em>really</em> outweighs your shower friend's happiness at having more of her friends included. At the end of the day, whether or not you had the right amount of favors or exactly enough food matters way less than whether your friend and her guests had fun.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
I agree with Lickety Split. You may be hosting the party, but try to keep in mind that the end goal is making a great experience for the showeree. Or whatever you'd call her. :P You have to really consider whether the extra hassle of picking up another dish and a few more favors really outweighs your shower friend's happiness at having more of her friends included. At the end of the day, whether or not you had the right amount of favors or exactly enough food matters way less than whether your friend and her guests had fun.
annbaby annbaby 9 years
I felt angry too, when I first read this, but then I thought about it. Perhaps the guests had asked the person who the shower was for, and she gave consent? Kind of like how if parents throw their kids a birthday party, the kid's friends would ask the kid if they could come, instead of asking the parents. And the parents get a nasty surprise as certain strange little kids show up. I agree that you have completely no reason to feel bad, and should just call the people up and politely say "Although I'd love for everyone to bring guests, I had already planned the party for only so many people, and I hope you understand."
annbaby annbaby 9 years
I felt angry too, when I first read this, but then I thought about it.Perhaps the guests had asked the person who the shower was for, and she gave consent?Kind of like how if parents throw their kids a birthday party, the kid's friends would ask the kid if they could come, instead of asking the parents.And the parents get a nasty surprise as certain strange little kids show up.I agree that you have completely no reason to feel bad, and should just call the people up and politely say "Although I'd love for everyone to bring guests, I had already planned the party for only so many people, and I hope you understand."
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
I agree with every piece of advice here. (Even though I commented before.) I mean honestly! If I was attending a shower, and for some reason I wanted to invite my own guest, I would at least have the courtesy to call up the host and ask if that would be ok. Not doing so is just so rude...if it were me, I would probably do what Trixie said...call them up just tell them how rude that was for them to expect you to take on more guests. Ugh.
Trixie6 Trixie6 9 years
OMG! Just reading this raised my blood pressure. People are so rude. :IRK: :rant: I suppose you should call the people who told you that they were bringing guests and nicely tell them that you cannot accommodate any additional people, but I'd really like to tell you to call them and explain to them just exactly how freaking rude it is to assume that they can bring whoever they like and just expect it to be alright.
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