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Depression and Lack of Sex Drive

Sex 101: Depressed Boyfriend Avoids Sex

This post comes from Sex 101 in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to weigh in below!

I'm a 20-year-old girl dating a 22-year-old and we've been in a relationship for 9 months. We live together and are quite happy about it. The only problem is that it's been over a month and a half since we've had sex, and it's totally depressing me! He's suffering from depression and has recently been to the doctor to go on antidepressants and has also started a new job, which he is happy about. The antidepressants have enlightened his mood greatly and he seems so happy now but will not initiate sex.

A month and a half ago I asked why we never had sex and his reply was that he can't get excited by anything due to his depression, and now a month down the line, even though he's feeling happier I daren't initiate sex because he never leaves any telltale signs that he wants it. He always falls asleep quite early due to his job and I'm left feeling awake and frustrated. I love him to bits and he has reassured me he loves me and I have nothing to worry about but it's been too long since we've been intimate, I've even stopped taking the contraceptive pill because it gets my hopes up. What can I do to get our sex life back on track

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ltoya ltoya 5 years
I agree. His medication most likely is the cause for his decrease in sex drive. I would like to suggest...pursuing him. When he comes home from work, have dinner prepared for him. After that, run you two a hot bath and take it from there. If you aren't vocal about what you want, how is he supposed to know? Guys can be that way. Even my fiance seems dense at times, so I have learned to communicate my wants and needs better. And get back on the pill ASAP!!! If that doesn't work, maturbation is great!!!
Janine22 Janine22 5 years
Depression can affect a man's sex drive and antidepressants can as well so I think that you need to be a little bit understanding here. Having said that, does he normally have as high of a sex drive as you? Because I was just wondering if this is a fundamental difference in sex drive in general or a side effect of the situation. I agree with others who say that you should try to initiate sex more often and tell him that you want him. Men's testosterone levels are highest in the morning so that would be a good time to try. I really don't understand why you would stop taking the pill because 'it gets your hopes up.' Seriously, if you are not using a contraceptive, you WILL get pregnant make no doubt about it. Are you ready to be a mother? Is your bf aware that you have gone off the pill?? This is something that you should be deciding and planning together, when you are both ready to be parents. Please make sure that you are using a reliable form of contraception if you and your bf are not ready to be parents!!!!!!!!! Good luck.
zabrow zabrow 5 years
maybe it's just me, but isn't seven & a half months into a relationship & already having problems with no longer having sex enough that you'd bring it up to him & complain about it AND THEN going another month & a half without sex a huge red flag? i know that antidepressants can kill a person's sex drive, but it seems like your boyfriend doesn't even want to try.
a1stbornunicorn a1stbornunicorn 5 years
I agree with the other comments but would just like to add that you shouldn't just stop taking BC because it takes a while for it to become active in your system again and work as it's intended. If you were to have sex, you wouldn't be prepared.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
I think MissSushi's advice is really great. Like others have already stated, some antidepressants can kill sex drive, so there is the option of switching medications. And definitely instigate it!
MissSushi MissSushi 5 years
I would initiate it if I were you, and if he resists talk to him. Unfortunately, antidepressants are MUCH worse then just libido killing for men. They often make it nearly impossible for them to ejaculate. This is especially difficult in the beginning. They are in the mood, get it up, go through the motions and no matter how much they are loving it, they can't finish up, this includes with masturbation. If your guy had good self control before, its pretty much a guarantee that he's having issues with that right now. I think its a pretty good guess that he's having issues with this. He just got back on track mood wise, and now he's dealing with this. Depending on how bad his depression is, he's having to deal with the stress of this issue vs the thought of being that miserable again. I know this firsthand because my husband is on antidepressants. There are things you can do. He can go to the doctor and explain - i can guarantee she/he is expecting the call. They try the ones that have this side effect first usually, and will switch him to a different type. The doctor can also put him on wellbutrin, which was also used for depression, but is now more commonly used to stop smoking and increase sex drive and ejaculation ability for those on anti anxiety and depression meds. No matter what he does, it's going to be several months before he's back on track and he will most likely never ejaculate as easily as he did before, not that that is the end of the world. good luck! approach this gently and be extremely patient and compassionate.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 5 years
Antidepressants are definitely a huge libido killer for many people. He could always try talking to his doctor about switching him to a pill that has a lower risk of sexual side effects. And I'm with Betty Wayne on instigating sex. Just because he isn't actively interested in it and sending out signals doesn't mean that he wouldn't welcome your advances, and it might perk his interest back up, and some other parts of him too ;)
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
When you say you "daren't instigate sex", maybe you should try! Maybe he realizes how much he has neglected your needs and he's too shy to own up to it. Maybe he figures you've given up on it and now HE'S afraid of rejection. You obviously love and trust him and you don't mention any other relationship problems. You say he's too tired from work (which is probably true) but sex doesn't need to be at bed time. You can ravish him the minute he walks in the door (okay give him a minute to change out of his work clothes and get a glass of water). Or first thing int he morning, or in the middle of the afternoon on the weekends. If he still resists your advances, there's another possibility. Not every antidepressant is the same for everyone. Sometimes a person needs to try 5 or 6 (or a mixture) before s/he finds the right one. As far as I know, some antidepressants can be *major* libido killers. If he's feeling happy but still has no sex drive, it sounds like that could be the cause. In which case he should bring it up to his doctor as soon as possible. Unfortunately a lot of people are to embarrassed to ask... but it's a common problem with a simple solution. If he resists your advances and refuse to talk to his doctor... then it's really up to you whether you can survive in a sexless relationship.
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