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Developing Feelings For a Friend With Benefits

Group Therapy: Developing Feelings For a Friend With Benefits

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My co-worker and I decided to enter a FWB relationship two months ago. I was hesitant at first because not only do we work together but he has a girlfriend.

A month prior to our agreement, he decided to go on a "break" from his girlfriend because she doesn't want to have sex with him until he tells her that he loves her. We both agreed to start this relationship just for sex and that's all. In the beginning, things were going great both at work and in the bedroom. Suddenly, I started to develop secret feelings for him. Also, he began to feel guilty because he felt bad for his girlfriend.

Eventually I decided to end things because I didn't want to get any more attached and I thought he should work out things with his girlfriend. Although we both agreed to stop having sex with one another, each of us find ourselves randomly asking one another to come over.

At this point, he does not know that I have feelings for him and it's driving me crazy. I know I should leave the whole thing alone but it's tough because I see him every day at work. Help! What is the best thing to do?

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bubbadave bubbadave 5 years
I think what you are feeling is completely normal...
kashlove36 kashlove36 5 years
I was in the same boat for 4 months same exact thing work relationship and friends with benefits feelings got attached and we actually started going out long story short she left him and four months later she decided to get back with him .
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 5 years
what number 9 said! & let us know what happens! but just wondering, if you feel like he was cheating on his gf/ex then do you actually want a relationship with him?
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 5 years
what number 9 said! & let us know what happens! but just wondering, if you feel like he was cheating on his gf/ex then do you actually want a relationship with him?
Ladyseven Ladyseven 5 years
It won't work. Just cut it out now. Sorry to be so blunt, but it never does work. I convinced myself several times that "oh maybe this time It'll just be sex," but there are ALWAYS extra feelings, even if you try really, REALLY hard to ignore or accept them. I honestly hate to say it, but it's even harder in your situation- the FWB thing has a like 5% chance if he's single, but that rate drops to 0.2 if he's 'taking a break' with his GF. You'd best just stop now, and try to avoid him. It sucks, but it's so much better than fostering those inkling feelings that you know, deep down, are intensely masochistic. I know the feelings and situation you're describing, and I know it's really hard, but really, from one who has made that mistake on more than two occasions, and felt horrible through the whole thing. On a positive note, I suggest flirting with other co-workers in front of him, just to make sure he can at least be annoyed at your (semblance of) indifference. Even if it doesn't do anything, it will make you feel hot and triumphant in some way or another. :) *hug*
Ladyseven Ladyseven 5 years
It won't work. Just cut it out now. Sorry to be so blunt, but it never does work. I convinced myself several times that "oh maybe this time It'll just be sex," but there are ALWAYS extra feelings, even if you try really, REALLY hard to ignore or accept them. I honestly hate to say it, but it's even harder in your situation- the FWB thing has a like 5% chance if he's single, but that rate drops to 0.2 if he's 'taking a break' with his GF. You'd best just stop now, and try to avoid him. It sucks, but it's so much better than fostering those inkling feelings that you know, deep down, are intensely masochistic. I know the feelings and situation you're describing, and I know it's really hard, but really, from one who has made that mistake on more than two occasions, and felt horrible through the whole thing. On a positive note, I suggest flirting with other co-workers in front of him, just to make sure he can at least be annoyed at your (semblance of) indifference. Even if it doesn't do anything, it will make you feel hot and triumphant in some way or another. :) *hug*
pureperfection pureperfection 5 years
this is just like the Friends scenario, if u get what i mean, like ross and rachel on a break. honestly, this will have to depend on how they defined "break", technically if they were on a "break" break, as in officially calling their relationship a separation, then it cant be THAT wrong, since he has already broken up and both of you are single. but if its otherwise, then things can get complicated. i think u should just tell the guy your true feelings and give yourselves a chance, who knows he may like you back, considering the fact that you said how you guys are visiting each other randomly and neither are giving it resistance, just come clean and tell him. or if u really wanna let it go, tell him you guys should stop and put your heart to it and mean it. and in the mean time, find some other friends to hang out with when u miss him or something, do something which can keep you preoccupied and take your mind off him. if it gets worse, get a new job and move somewhere further. hope it helped.
pureperfection pureperfection 5 years
this is just like the Friends scenario, if u get what i mean, like ross and rachel on a break. honestly, this will have to depend on how they defined "break", technically if they were on a "break" break, as in officially calling their relationship a separation, then it cant be THAT wrong, since he has already broken up and both of you are single. but if its otherwise, then things can get complicated.i think u should just tell the guy your true feelings and give yourselves a chance, who knows he may like you back, considering the fact that you said how you guys are visiting each other randomly and neither are giving it resistance, just come clean and tell him.or if u really wanna let it go, tell him you guys should stop and put your heart to it and mean it. and in the mean time, find some other friends to hang out with when u miss him or something, do something which can keep you preoccupied and take your mind off him. if it gets worse, get a new job and move somewhere further.hope it helped.
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
I agree with the above "how is this cheating" posts.On the feelings thing:Tell him flat out "I know we said no strings, but I'm starting to wonder into the feelings arena. SOOO, to avoid having my heart ripped out I'm not doing this anymore". This gives him a chance to say, "no wait! Me too". Or if not, at least he will know and can stop seeing you in a non professional way.
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
I agree with the above "how is this cheating" posts. On the feelings thing: Tell him flat out "I know we said no strings, but I'm starting to wonder into the feelings arena. SOOO, to avoid having my heart ripped out I'm not doing this anymore". This gives him a chance to say, "no wait! Me too". Or if not, at least he will know and can stop seeing you in a non professional way.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 5 years
IF it something that I have learn from group therapy is that FWB do not work. Period. They are a utopia, someone ends up getting hurt. I will suggest to stop having sex with the guy, don't tell him how you feel because he doesn't share the same feelings for you, and having a relationship with a guy like that is what you really want?
GTCB GTCB 5 years
Okay, from what I have read in the post, there was/is no cheating going on. The couple in question were on hiatus... which is basically saying they're broken up without saying they broke up. I think that the OP is morally clear of helping this guy cheat. What she is guilty of is getting together with a co-worker. Ugh. Never do that... unless you work in a building like the Pentagon or something that is huge and has thousands of people in it. I think you should end the FWB situation. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable. Be very firm with him and get your message across. If he has any decency he will not want to make you feel any worse.
GTCB GTCB 5 years
Okay, from what I have read in the post, there was/is no cheating going on. The couple in question were on hiatus... which is basically saying they're broken up without saying they broke up. I think that the OP is morally clear of helping this guy cheat.What she is guilty of is getting together with a co-worker. Ugh. Never do that... unless you work in a building like the Pentagon or something that is huge and has thousands of people in it.I think you should end the FWB situation. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable. Be very firm with him and get your message across. If he has any decency he will not want to make you feel any worse.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
Oops, typo. Do not seek him out or avoid him.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
OP, When you see him in the morning you should greet him with a Good Morning. Then, throughout the day, <i>you must treat him just like any other co-worker</i>. Pick another male employee and watch how you treat this other guy, then treat your FWP co-worker the same way. Do not see him out or avoid him. Remember. Just...like...any...other...employee.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
OP, When you see him in the morning you should greet him with a Good Morning. Then, throughout the day, you must treat him just like any other co-worker. Pick another male employee and watch how you treat this other guy, then treat your FWP co-worker the same way. Do not see him out or avoid him. Remember. Just...like...any...other...employee.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Look at how he treats his girlfriend. He dumps her just because she has standards about when she has sex. Instead of taking a good look at himself and deciding whether he can tell her he loves her, he says "screw it all" and hooks up with you.Isn't that all the information you need? Cut your losses and stop making excuses for yourself. It was fine to have sex up until the point it started to damage you. But now the damage has begun because you're getting attached to a loser. The post-sex hormone haze is fuddling your brain. So stop the festivities until you can get ahold of yourself.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Look at how he treats his girlfriend. He dumps her just because she has standards about when she has sex. Instead of taking a good look at himself and deciding whether he can tell her he loves her, he says "screw it all" and hooks up with you. Isn't that all the information you need? Cut your losses and stop making excuses for yourself. It was fine to have sex up until the point it started to damage you. But now the damage has begun because you're getting attached to a loser. The post-sex hormone haze is fuddling your brain. So stop the festivities until you can get ahold of yourself.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Never crap where you eat. That's the good lesson to be taken out of all this hot mess. I don't have any effective method to get over this (no personal experience with this), I'd suggest to just treat it as if you're breaking up or something. Get lots of space from the guy, no outside work interaction, that's probably the most logical way to handle it.I also agree with Biwife, you gotta stop helping a cheater cheat. And you won't feel good with yourself if this is how you start a 'relationship.'
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Never crap where you eat. That's the good lesson to be taken out of all this hot mess. I don't have any effective method to get over this (no personal experience with this), I'd suggest to just treat it as if you're breaking up or something. Get lots of space from the guy, no outside work interaction, that's probably the most logical way to handle it. I also agree with Biwife, you gotta stop helping a cheater cheat. And you won't feel good with yourself if this is how you start a 'relationship.'
BiWife BiWife 5 years
Stop helping a cheater cheat! I'm sorry if you've got feelings for him, but all you're doing is helping him hurt his gf. Who knows, maybe he has a few other FWB and you're just one of many he's sleeping with. The basis of your relationship is lies when you're sleeping with a taken person, which means you can't ever know if they're being truthful at all (to you or anyone else). This is no way to start a healthy relationship and if you have any self-respect you will dump him and tell him to be honest w his gf about his feelings, needs, and actions.
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