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Does He Want to Date Me?

"Is He Wasting My Time?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Help me out here guys. Usually when I hear someone say something like they don't know what they want I'm out the door because it usually means they know exactly what they want and it just isn't you. But I'm thinking this may be an exception.

I met someone at the end of June and we immediately hit it off. We are both pretty busy people (I have a corporate job and am a personal trainer on the side, plus run my own website and he has a manager position at a big firm, travels a lot for work and is in law school) but he made it clear right away that he wanted to go out. We found a few hours to catch a movie together about two weeks after we met. The night went great and things got physical, but there was no sex (there probably could have been, but he was the one that slowed the pace). He followed up with a call both that night when he got home and the next morning. A few days later he was leaving on a business trip to China for two weeks and said he would like to get together, but we just couldn't find any time so he proposed meeting up as soon as he got back. We stayed in pretty good contact until he left.

He went on his trip, came back and started texting me, but he didn't ask me out that day. So, I asked him the next day if he would come to charity function with me as my date and he said he would love to but that he couldn't because he had plans with a coworker that evening. Ok. No big deal. A few days go by and the contact seems to get less frequent. I e-mailed him and he got real chatty, but still no asking me out. At this point I decided to call him out on it (he was back from China for like a week at this point). I asked him if he was ever planning on asking me out again. He said yes, but that he was so busy getting caught up at work that he just didn't have the time, but that I'll be the first to know when he does. I kinda laid down the law and I told him I'm not looking for a texting buddy or an e-mail friend and if he wasn't interested in actually dating me we should scrap it and both go happily find what we wanted. He apologized and said he definitely wanted to go out again he just needed to find the time; however, he also said that if I thought it was too much work, or I feel like he's leading me on that he would understand if I walked away because there wasn't much he could do right now. Obviously, I took that as a red flag so I went radio silence on him for a few days.

He got back in touch and the conversation was chit chatty and friendly, still no asking me out but he did say he can see his schedule starting to clear "very soon" and that we would have time to get together. During the course of this conversation we were talking about different types of relationships and I basically asked him what he's looking for. His answer: "I honestly just really don't know what I'm looking for right now."

What should I do? I made my intentions clear what I wanted and what I didn't want and he's still kind of coming around. He really IS busy. My thing is when I move on, I really do move on. There's no going back. I don't talk to that person again for a very long time and I don't know if I should take that drastic of a measure with this one. I'm thinking it might be better to just give him space, let him figure out what he wants and then come to me if and when he knows. In the meantime, I don't have to cut him off, but I am definitely keeping my options open if someone else great comes along. Agree or disagree? I don't want to be the girl that waits around for someone, but I actually do like this guy and felt a big click with him. I think it might be worth the shot of playing it a different way.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously on Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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BDlove BDlove 4 years
I think when both parties to a relationship (or potential relationship) have demanding jobs, there does need to be some understanding that sometimes you can't be available as much as you want to for that other person. That being said, I don't see a real effort by him in this case. If he really wanted to see you, what about a grabbing a quick lunch or coffee? That doesn't take too much time. I also think his "I don't know what I want" is a red flag. I think you shouldn't waste your time.
fresh1721 fresh1721 4 years
I cosign with dilema. If a man wants to be with you, he will be with you, period. Unless he's deployed or something.
dilemmadilemma dilemmadilemma 4 years
Part of me wants to say if he's keeping in contact, and it's good productive contact he's not leading you on.  The other "been there, done that" part of me says that if a man wants to be with you, he will be with you.  If you like him enough, just let it go.  The part that you mentioned about "moving on", though, may need to be reconsidered if you really like him, but it sounds like you barely know him enough for that. You sound focused in your career and know what you want for that, so it's important to have your love life be the same way.  Every person you are with should be a step closer to the person you want to be with permanently.  I'd move on if it were me.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
I work in an enormous, cut-throat, mostly male, international corporation. He's my tribe, I've traveled internationally with him and seen him in love and here's the deal -- he is not that into you. If he were he'd be texting how much he wants to see you while he's in the bathroom, setting up the next meet from Shanghai and he'd have been over there as soon as he got his first night of sleep, even to have breakfast before he starts class that Saturday. There is no mistaking a man who wants a particular woman. Then you're worried what he's after, but that's the next stage. He's been very polite about this by not banging you and not leading you on. He's asked you to move on if his lack of contact isn't ok knowing it isn't, you've already told him. I'm really sorry about this -- but luckily you also have fallen for a decent man who is treating you better than many.
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
Well, he is a manager at a big firm and is in law school too? That doesn't even seem possible, so I would believe him when he says he's busy. How did he have time to travel and still be in law school? Is he on semester break? I guess that's neither here nor there. As for your issue, it's fine that he's super busy and wrapped up in his job and college. But it's not fine that it's making it impossible for you to get together. I would let it go, because as long as he's keeping a schedule like that you will always be at the bottom of the priority list. Find someone who can devote more time to you. Good luck.
hussyinterrupted hussyinterrupted 4 years
Actually, I kind of screwed that part up. Probably pretty badly. When we first met he suggested that lunch dates would be easiest because we work in the same town. When we first me, I didn't really think it would turn into anything and I shot down the idea of lunch dates. I really don't like lunch dates. It's not all that easy for me to plan lunch with the kind of work I do. I told him I would need to get to know him better before I could commit to lunch dates. I honestly didn't think that I would actually end up liking him. Really really big mistake but at this point I'm not going to tell him I'd be OK with that. Because that'd be me asking him out again... And honestly, I can't even think about the relationship stuff until I at least get a couple of real dates with him. I need to go out and have fun with him before I can even fathom the idea of sitting on his couch.
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 4 years
Let's say, hypothetically, that he comes around and tells you he's finally ready for that second date. And then after that date, he becomes super busy again, and can't make time for a third date until a month goes by. And then after that date, he can't make time until another three weeks. Do you see a pattern here? You two going out on a date always involves him calling the shots. And you are the one left waiting for him to have a clear schedule. His schedule dictates what and when he does things, although it should be the opposite way around. If he really wanted to date you, he'd make time for you. He'd clear a few hours out of his schedule just to see you. But then again, you said he's unsure of what he wants. You need to decide if you're okay waiting for him to decide what he wants, and even when he wants it. Keep in mind that if you get into an actual relationship with him, he'll continue the same patterns of behavior that you seem so frustrated with. Only in the future, you may have deep feelings for him, so your frustration will only worsen. Can you imagine having to always wait around on him? I understand that he's busy- managerial position, lots of travel, law school. But doesn't he eat lunch or dinner? Can't he squeeze in a lunch date during his lunch break? Can't he meet with you for drinks right after work? Can't you two stay in and order food and watch a movie together? Can't you two just take a stroll in the park and talk about stuff? How about meeting for a coffee break? You see, there are always ways to make time for things, no matter how busy you are. So his excuse is not acceptable.
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