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In the Dog House

Dear Sugar
I've recently had an awful argument with my wife. We were fighting because she was trying to justify all the reasons why I should not act disappointed when she goes out until the middle of the night to be with friends when I am not around. I complained that I never know where she is or with whom she is with.

This is a new behavior that started only after we were separated during the summer because I was unfaithful and came clean to her. I have since committed myself to my wife and making our marriage work, but it seems the tables have turned.

How can I be compassionate to the pain she still holds in her heart without reacting to her dysfunctional behaviors? We are living under the same roof but not as husband and wife. She no longer feels married as she has told me, and she needs time before she can decide whether to work things out between us. Please help me get through this tough time. In the Dog House Dan

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear In the Dog House Dan
Let me first say I am sorry to hear you are going through such a rough patch in your marriage. Recovering from infidelity can take some time, but if you are both willing to make it work, it can be done. I can only imagine how uncomfortable your house must be so opening the lines of communication, and really listening to each other is a must.

While your wife is most definitely reacting to your cheating, she needs to remember that two wrongs do not make a right. Have you considered going to couples counseling to see if your marriage has a chance of surviving? No one said that this was ever going to be easy.

Since she feels she needs more time, you are going to have to respect her wishes; I just hope she isn't trying to hurt you like you hurt her. All that will do is create more resentment and will slowly chip away at your love. Good luck to both of you; I hope you can both find a way to be happy.

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lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
wow, "cheaters never prosper" should read this one. this is exactly why i think being unfaithful (when it's been recognized as a mistake and is OVER) should not be revealed to the other partner. why did you do that? what did you expect her reaction would be? your marriage will never be the same and the only chance you have to keep it together is, as the others have stated, going to couples counseling. maybe if you find a few counselors and let her pick which one you go to and choose the time she will consider going. she has a right to be angry, but hopefully the counselor will give her some other ideas on how to deal with the anger.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 9 years
why do you need to know where she is and who she is with all the time? do you think she is going to now cheat on you because you cheated on her? it sounds like you're trying to be the victim here when i don't think you are. when she says "i feel like i'm not married to you anymore" does that mean she is going to sleep around or does it mean you're not the same man she married? counseling should help a lot. good luck, i hope everything works out for the best.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
It sounds a little bit like she's trying to hurt you or get back at you for what you did to her. I'm sure there is a lot of anger there. When you cheat, there are consequences. I think you should tell her that you are saddened by her actions but that you love her and are willing to stay it out because you realize it's your fault she's behaving this way. I am sure you didn't expect things to go right back to normal after cheating on your wife, but what exactly did you expect? It's not a small thing you did, and as a result her response was not small. Instead of focusing on the pain she's causing you, think about how horrible she must feel to be reacting that way. Think about all the pain that she's in. Maybe that will help you be more compassionate.
Marci Marci 9 years
DS, L7 and grl all are giving you good straight on advice. Read their posts again and you'll hear the real caring in their words. I hope you and your wife are able to work things out.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 9 years
Couples councelling really does seem like your only option at this point to try to salvage your relationship. I guess her agreeing to go with you (or not agreeing) will tell you a lot about where she thinks the status of your relationship stands. If you had a strong foundation of friendship before you cheated, maybe there are enough lovong memories there for her to want to build something new with you. It sounds like at this point you'de do pretty much anything to have back what you lost, so good luck, I think it's going to take a lot of hard work on both sides.
L7amiguita L7amiguita 9 years
I'm sorry you are going through this. I honestly think that you need to sit down and have a talk to your wife. Yes, you did cheat and I am not defending you, but I also think your wife shouldn't be acting as if she is single. She made the choice to try to work things out the minute you moved back into the house. If she was still confused about your marriage, then she shouldn't have allowed you back in the house. Sit down and talk to her about this. Ask her point blank, "Do you really want to make this marriage work?" If she does, she NEEDS to do her part as well. Worst case scenario, she might just be doing this to get back at you for hurting her. Please talk to her. If she still has the attitude of, "you can't tell me what to do" then I think she may just not want to work at it anymore. She needs to be able to forgive you (as hard as that may be) if your marriage stands any chance of working. Like Dear said, two wrongs don't make a right. Take care.
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