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Don't Want to Be Friends With Ex

"I Don't Want to Be 'Just Friends' With My Ex"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I broke up with my boyfriend of seven years about six months ago. We've kept in touch since, texting every now and then, and even going out a couple of times. The thing is that every time we see each other, I kind of assume that something is going to happen, but it never does. I feel like he is flirting with me sometimes, but then he disappears after we see each other. 

About a month after we broke up I told him that I needed for him to stop contacting me. Since he said he needed "time" when he broke up with me, then he had to get his much desired time and let me heal. He did take some distance, but then he reappeared. And we have been in touch since then. 

I've been thinking about telling him again to stop contacting me. And then, last week I decided that it was time to tell him that I wanted to be left alone, and that as of right now, I could not be friends with him. That I still loved him and that I just couldn't go through with the whole "still friends" situation. I decided I was going to tell him on Friday, 'cause that day we were going out to celebrate his birthday. We did go out, ended up having a great time (as always) and I couldn't say anything. So I convinced myself to tell him next time he texted me. He called me yesterday, so I thought there was my chance. Turns out he called me to tell me that he got fired from work . . . Of course I couldn't bring myself to tell him anything, I tried to be as supportive as I could. 

I don't know if I'm still in love with him, or not. I don't know if we should get back together or if I'm just feeling lonely lately and that's why I feel so miserable sometimes. He hurt me deeply, but I truly loved him. I don't want to give him an ultimatum, but I also don't want to feel this way. It's really hard, because we were friends before we were even a couple and I care deeply for him. The only thing I know is that I won't be able to ever move on talking to him constantly. And now it just seems wrong to tell him anything now that he's going through a hard time. What should I do?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously in Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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pairodd pairodd 3 years
This seems all too common.  The Ex,  knowing that you still have feelings for him, and have always nurtured him, will continue to contact you every time he needs you.And as long as you return his calls, he will keep calling you.  Why did he call you this time?  Because he needed you. I imagine that he has rarely been there when you needed HIM...  This is the common theme. He will be fine without you.  But up until now, he hasn't needed to live without you.  It is so sad how many times I've seen this. Put it into your mind that he will never get back with you.  Every once in a while, they do "need you" for sex, so it goes 'there." Talk about confusing!!  He is in complete control here, until you take the reins.  So take them. Don't respond to his phone calls his texts. Respond one last time that you prefer to have a clean break, and you wish him the best of luck. Then keep the discipline to NOT ANSWER his calls. As matoad said,  you both will be fine.... 
honestyAboveAll honestyAboveAll 3 years
Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too...his new found freedom, yet comfortable companionship with you. He enjoys your company, no doubt, but he wants to be single. The question is, what do you want? Sounds like this situation is agonizing for you, he won't date you, but he won't exactly let you go either...isn't that a bit selfish on his part? However, he will do only what you allow. Start by creating some distance, go out with your girlfriends, find some hobbies. He doesn't need to know your plans and you don't own him any explanations. It may be hard in the beginning, especially because you guys spent years together, but eventually you will be okay.
matoad matoad 3 years
I think it's very nice of you not to want to make his situation worse, but you seem to be making your own situation worse in the process and that doesn't make any sense. Part of being broken up is that you are not responsible for his happiness any more. So, tell him that being friends isn't doing you good. For one, it may be less tough on him than you think - he did break up after all. Which may hurt to think about right now but is ultimately a good thing, and may (may!) allow you to be better, non-co-dependent, friends in the long run. Second, even if it is sad for him to lose you for now, everyone goes through rough situations sometimes - and they don't always have the courtesy to spread themselves out nicely over time. He's a grown-up, handling two sucky situations at the same time is something he'll have to do one way or another at some point. He'll be fine, and so will you.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 3 years
You need to talk with him about what you want, really specifically ("I want to be your girlfriend again and see each other exclusively") and ask him what he wants. There is nothing more powerful than an honest conversation with the person you're wondering about. Good luck! P.S. Yeah don't dump on people on their b-days! Good call.
Aquadave Aquadave 3 years
How did he hurt you? You broke up with him? or did he break up with you?, so why did you stay in contact in the first place? I'm glad you didn't tell him on his birthday, that would have been very cold and mean on your part. I think even if you cut ties you'll still have those deep down feelings, maybe worse. He might be flirting with you hoping to reignite flames, which is what it sounds to me what you really want.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
"Don't want an only friends relationship" You are the one responsible for attaining what you want. If you need to move on, and you can't do that and be in contact with him, then don't be in contact with him. There's a reason you're no longer a couple. It's time for you to start paying attention to what you need, and not what your ex needs. Give yourself a big break, and stop according him boyfriend status....honor your own needs. Break off contact. If he doesn't want to be a boyfriend, then he doesn't get the perks of a boyfriend. Pay attention to your own needs, and break off contact, since he won't. It's up to you, not up to him. He has already shown you that he won't honor your request, you'll have to honor it for yourself. You're not going to start the healing process if you can't even move into the grieving process. You have to move past the hope and expectation that this is not over to get to the grieving process, and to do that, you have said you need to not be in contact with your ex. Ex. He's your ex. I'm so sorry that it's such a painful thing.....7 years is a long time. It's going to get longer if you don't move past denial and into your grieving. It's up to you, to do for yourself what you need. Believe his actions....he's not coming back, and he's not honoring your request for no contact. Take the next step, break the contact, and block him on your phone and computer. You can tell him good luck with his issues, but they're his issues, and at this point in your life, he needs to deal with them without you. That's the choice he made. You both have to live with that. You'll live with it a lot better by refusing his selfish continuation of an intimacy that is no longer his, and taking care of yourself. Best of luck and love, dear. Reach out to other friends....you're the one who is in need of support now, and he's not going to give it to you. Reach out to those who will. blessed be best of luck and love,
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