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Doubts About My Boyfriend

"I'm Having Doubts About My Boyfriend"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been with my boyfriend for about two months, and he's my first official boyfriend. I am 22, so that's a little weird, I know. When he asked me to be his girlfriend, it was about two weeks into dating, and I was just thrilled that someone finally wanted me. He's cute and so, so sweet to me and likes me a lot . . . never has he been anything but kind to me. We have a similar sense of humor and views on the world.

However, there are things that bug me about him, and it's mostly from my end. I don't feel superattracted to him (though I do think he's cute, there's just no . . . gut feeling, you know?) and I don't always look forward to seeing him (he's been bugging me lately . . . I'm bored, I guess). I think we've just gotten into a routine lately, already. I feel like he doesn't try that hard at some things in life? Like his appearance, and in bed . . . it's not terrible, but he doesn't try that hard, for me, and it makes me sad. I don't feel like we are that close, and I feel like he's OK with it. He's admitted to some severe depression in the past, and it makes me concerned about hurting him and causing him to go back into that. I do care about him, but I definitely think it's unbalanced, and I feel so guilty about that.

I don't know what I should be feeling or what I should do. I don't have a point of reference for this situation. I guess some guidance/advice would be greatly appreciated. I don't want to be cruel or do anything I regret. He's done nothing wrong, and I feel like sh*t for not being totally into him. Help!

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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subliminalseduction subliminalseduction 4 years
Hmm... let's see. First of all, this is your first real boyfriend, so let me straighten some things up here. I'm not telling you to settle, but I am going to tell you it's not all sunshine and roses. There will be days when you just aren't over the moon when you go home and he's there and the longer you're with someone, the more you're going to notice that they snore, that weird thing they do when they eat, that there's love handles or that they try to sneak by on farting quietly. That's natural, that means the new has worn off. That just means you're out of the honeymoon phase. Were you super attracted to him at the beginning? As for not trying with his appearance, if he was always that way, it's going to stay that way. As for sex, you say you feel like he's OK with it, but have you asked him? This goes back to what I always say... if you can't talk about sex with a person you probably shouldn't be having it with that person. If he's dealing with depression he might lose interest in trying. It happens, the best you can do there is be supportive and see if you can't talk him into doing something about it. It's tough to deal with, but always keep in mind, like it's been said before, you are never responsible for anyone's actions but your own. If you really aren't happy and if he really doesn't respond to you, don't stick around out of guilt or fear of what he will do if you leave. The consequences will be much worse if you continue to lead him on. Ultimately, you have to do what is best for you. I'd advise you try and work on it first, talk to him first because you don't sound entirely sure of how he feels about things. I also think it may be that you aren't really used to having a relationship and that the "new" has worn off. If you're not attracted to him and you aren't satisfied and you aren't happy, though, don't lead him on and give him hope or you're both going to end up miserable and frustrated.
GTCB GTCB 4 years
Alright, this may help you because I'm coming from the male side of the equation: Guys like comfort zones.   There is a lot of meaning packed into those four words.  But, essentially, he's too comfortable with you and isn't willing to go the extra mile because you're a sure thing.  There's nothing wrong with wanting more out of a relationship - and you should tell him that.   As for worrying about hurting him, DON'T.  I have known women who have stayed with jerks or otherwise bad relationships out of fear of hurting the guy by dumping him.  You have to look out for yourself because clearly Mr. Comfortable isn't really doing it for you.   As for him feeling bad, it is his reaction to being dumped is HIS choice.  You cannot be responsible for other people's choices, only your own.  And I think that you'd both best be served by moving on.  There's plenty of fish in the sea.
lonelyloid lonelyloid 4 years
it was the same way for me. i was with my first for 8 yrs and everything became routine and dull. but before you make any decisions, think carefully what the person means to you, i didnt and made the stupid decision to get thrown out of the relationship. i regret it alot now. but i agree that if you have doubts and if the feelings havent been allowed to fester too long, get out and get to experience more.
Some-Random-Guy Some-Random-Guy 4 years
22 is way too young to stay with somebody you are already having doubts about, especially if he is your first real boyfriend.  You need to move on, get some more experience and find someone who you feel more excited to be with.
kitty-Witty kitty-Witty 4 years
come on if you feel and think that he is not actually doing that you are expecting from him don't fight with him or force him. talk to him if everything is alright with him or not and share that you feel this way. as you have mentioned that you are not that much attracted to him so you shouldn't have bothered about your relationship. i think it's not a problem at all. decision is yours .
Pyroserpant Pyroserpant 4 years
I think you are expecting too much from him that he cannot fulfil. It is natural that someone wont give his 100% effort but you should not think that he is not doing anything for you. You have to think from his point of view so that you can understand what he really wants and why he cannot do the work as you expect. Discuss this matter to him clearly and make yore to make it clear what and how you want him to do everything. You have to support him and should not think of leaving him.. :)
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
I look at those first couple of months as sort of a "trial period." You're feeling each other out, deciding if there's enough of an attraction to move into the third month and beyond. By now you know whether or not you can see yourself with this guy down the road. By the sound of it, you can't. I agree about breaking things off now, while it's still a relatively easy out. Sure, feelings will be hurt and you'll feel badly about it, but it's better to get out now, before he develops real feelings for you. Good luck.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
Yep, not attracted, not in love, not into it. Also, not balanced, as you said. You've been swept away by the idea of a boyfriend, not by this guy. Let it go. Don't be depressed about it, don't feel guilty....it's life. Dating is about finding the right person, and not feeling bad that every guy isn't THE guy. You don't look forward to being with him. That's as much as you need to know. You're not excited, you're annoyed. Let it go. Just tell, gently, that you don't want to continue the relationship. You're sorry, but it's not working for you. First boyfriend, first breakup. BiWife is right, you're lying to him. Not fair to him or to yourself. While you're not telling the truth to this guy, you are wasting both of your time. Let him continue to look, and you continue to look. (If he uses his depression to try to manipulate you into staying, not saying he will, but since you mentioned it......if he uses that, run far and fast away.) Be gentle, and considerate, and firm. good luck to you
BiWife BiWife 4 years
if you're not into him, you're not into him. You can't force attraction, it's either there or it's not. I would let him go sooner than later, simply because by pretending you're attracted (or more attracted) to him, you're really lying to him. Don't lie, ever. The worst thing you can do in a relationship (barring some seriously extreme circumstances) is to lie.
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