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Down in the Dumps

Dear Sugar
I am extremely unhappy at home and don't know what to do about it. I have been married for five years and we have two children who I love and adore, but my marriage is not what it used to be. My husband is constantly putting me down, as a wife and mother, and he is always nit picking at my every move.

I am a working mother and housewife but the only thing that really makes me happy are my children. I am overly exhausted from being a working mom with a newborn baby and housewife and feel like I get no help from my husband. I have voiced my concerns and he has done nothing to pitch in. Although I love some aspects of my husband, I am at the point of thinking about leaving him. Do you have any advice for me? Miserable Melissa

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Miserable Melissa
I am sorry you are so unhappy right now. How long have you had these feelings? It sounds as though you could be suffering from some postpartum depression and the lack of support from your husband isn't making matters any easier. Did you feel this way after you had your first child? Do you have any help with the kids?

You have made a big life change going from one child in your home to two children. Your husband is now getting even less attention from you and you are having even less time to spend as a couple. Try to remember you are not alone in your feelings. Millions of women find their first year with a newborn to be one of the most difficult.

I am sure you feel like you have reached your breaking point, but since you still have love for your husband, I think it would be best give it all you've got before ending your marriage. When you tell your husband how overwhelmed you are, does he sympathize and ask how to help? Do you ever give yourself alone time to re-group, rest, or simply have some quiet time?

I suggest seeking couples counseling as there seems to be some deeper issues in your marriage that need to be resolved so you can try to get through the tough times. If you feel your relationship can not be mended, ultimately you need to do whatever makes you happy. In order for your children to be happy, you have to be happy as well. Follow your heart and do what feels right. I wish you luck.

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getstinko getstinko 9 years
Not 100% finished. Do not penalize your kids because your husband is being an idiot. Men and women can find the pressure of multiple kids to be a challenge, he may be isolating himself and being an inconsiderate ass - while you are getting more depressed and felling lonely. Work together to solve this, marriage is a life partnership filled with challenges - don't quit - embrace the challenge.
getstinko getstinko 9 years
I agree with katie225. I thought it was impossible to survive on just my income, but when I saw the toll working and kids was taking on my wife - we decided she needed to stay at home with them. As a Man I also agree with katie225 about how inconsiderate most men can be, although there are also tons of women who take advantage staying home. I don't agree that if someone makes the money they can sit back and do nothing. life is won by those who go the extra mile, men who work and don't pitch in are LOSERS. Don't penalize your kids because you can't resolve issues or communicate with your husband. tell him what you are thinking and how disheartened you are.
rustedwings rustedwings 9 years
I really disagree with Katie225, if you're already feeling isolated quitting your job to become a "better mother" sounds like a really bad idea to me. No one should have to prove to their partner that they deserve emotional support. If you're back at work I'm guessing that you're 6 months to a year out of having given birth and that, because you don't mention it and it's something doctors and new mothers are sensitive about, it's not postpartum depression. I'd recommend you speak to your partner with someone to mitigate to discussion, be it someone from your church or a councillor or anyone else who is neutral and level headed. It's not okay for your partner to be so negative towards you, and it would probably do worlds of good to get back to who you guys are one on one and understand why he's acting this way. As much as it is directed at you, if these comments aren't fueled by anything they're probably about something he's going through.
katie225 katie225 9 years
quit your job. what's more important: the money/career, or your relationship? talk to your husband before you do this, of course, and tell him you want to do it so that you can be a better wife and mother, since he's so overly critical of you. if he says no, that your family can't afford it, then tell him he needs to STFU and pitch in! that's the problem with people (men, in particular). they think that the women will work, have kids, clean the house, and still manage to have a perfect dinner on the table and be their little sex slaves while they just sit in front of the tv and watch football. if you both work, you both pitch in 50-50. that's my rule. if one person works and brings in all of the money, then he can sit back and do nothing. but when you have this conversation, really try to sound like you're taking his criticisms to heart (even though he's being a jerk) and that you really want to make things better, but that there's simply not enough time in the day to be perfect at everything and you're stretching yourself thin. maybe he'll lay off or be supportive of you quitting your job.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
i found the transistion from one child to 2 a breeze. there was virtually no difference to me. now 2 to 3 was a different story. but anyway, if you are feeling overwhelmed and over worked then you need help. if dh isn't going to give it to you hire someone to do it. teen girls are usually good at being moms helpers (they are there when you are so you can supervise) and then you can do laundry or tend to one of the children while she is there. this kind of help is much less expensive than a babysitter or a nanny. if you can afford it hire a cleaning service. marry maids is a national service and they charge about $120 every 2 weeks. you may also have postpartum depression, so everything is overwhelming. i don't think it matters how many children you have, it's the personality of the the children that matter. you might have just one child, but if it's a difficult child, or a sick child that's a whole different story.
rubialala rubialala 9 years
Dear is totally right. A lot of people expect that going from one kid to two won't be that hard, maybe twice as much work, right? No way, it's like a hundred times harder. You are going through a lot right now. Maybe your husband doesn't realize how he is treating you, or doesn't know how his treatment is affecting you. Talk to him. And definitely sign up to see a good counselor. That can help immensely. I like what ikitty13 said - try to remember why you fell in love with him and focus on those positive things. Your marriage is really important, and even more so since you have children. If you are both willing to work on it, it can get better. Just please don't give up. Good luck. :HUGS:
ikitty13 ikitty13 9 years
What exactly is it that you love about your husband? IK
Lindsb Lindsb 9 years
I hope everything works out for you. I hope that, for the sake of your children, you two can work it out. Make sure you try therapy, date nights, long conversations where nothing is held back.. whatever helps.
Bonne Bonne 9 years
It is such a big change from one kids to two and now hubby doesn't get the attention you need. While I agree, therapy is an option - he may not be willing. You might need a break out of the house, take a night to yourself; work out, take a walk, go somewhere where its just YOU! Sanity breaks keep you semi-sane when you have kids. Also, designate a date night, so your hubby gets one on one time too.
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