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Engaged But Holding On To Past

Group Therapy: Engaged but Holding on to Past

This question comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Hiya I am new to this but I do have a dilemma that's horrid and can't talk to anyone about it.

Two and a half years ago I started having a relationship with a colleague at work with no-one knowing about it. I spent more nights at his than mine. We went on holiday together after 2 months and from then i noticed that things were not right with him and that we were not going to last. I tried to break up with him twice and he would no hear of it but after 5 months of dating he dumped me by text and went out with another colleague who is junior to me at work. I was devastated with the way this has transpired and left the city and moved away to try and recover.

I spent one and a half years being miserable until I decided that maybe I should move onto another relationship as trying to get over it on my own wasn't working. I went online and met this lovely man and we started dating and things were good. He was very different to my ex, he introduced me to his mum after 3 months and and he was really lovely. He made it clear that he wanted to marry me and needless to say I got engaged after 5 months but I have said we would wait till at least 18months before doing the deed. Problem? Well I don't think I have gotten over the hurt of the last relationship and more recently although my ex is engaged to this girl now (last year) I heard that they have set the date for next year and that sent me into a spiral of depression.

Read the rest after the jump.

Now my mum says that I have not gotten over him but I disagree as I do NOT want him back, I just want him to suffer the way I have one so and it pains me to know that he is happy and moving on after trying to destroy me. He avoids me whenever he can and is quite rude to me at work (he will walk into a room and not say a word to me and greet everyone else) and that all is quite unnerving. I don't want him to destroy my current relationship and I do want to be with this man but at the same time how do you bury the past like that? How do I let go? I even tried to say hello yesterday just because I thought it was the cold war that I didn't like and that did not do anything. Am I making a mistake by getting engaged if I have these issues? Do I lose the last chance of happiness? I'm in a mess, ideas would be welcome..

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alabama06 alabama06 5 years
I am some what in the same boat as you are. My fiancee and I dated for 3 years and broke up for almost a year and then got back together and now engaged. During the time we were apart I started to date this amazing, sweet guy and I know I fell hard for him. Unfortunatly during the time his friends in his fraternity kept influencing problems between us till we had this knock out break up fight at the frat house. I am still ashamed and embarressed about the incident even though it was so long ago. I am inlove with my fiancee and am thrilled we are getting married but part of me can't help but remember why I fell for the other guy and what if his friends hadn't gotten involved. I haven't spoken to this other guy in a very very long time when by accident we ran into each other out at the park. All of sudden he spills his guts to me telling me he loves me and it kills him to see me wearing the ring, that he wished it was him that I was going to marry, and how if we could go back in time he wouldn't have let me go. Now my head is all screwed up and since them I see him everywhere. He ignores me and I ignore him but I think he ignores because it is his way of holding back his true feelings and I ignore because I think it helps him in the long run. At times I do wish "unhappiness" on him because he hurt me so badley but then I remember that puts me on his low level, that if it was meant to be it would have been. Don't let this ruin your current relationship but take time to yourself to go through the process of letting him go. Ignoring him is the best option for you in the long run.
monicaaimee monicaaimee 6 years
Have read all the comments and I think that yeah, you are not over this guy yet!!! If you were over, you would not care whatsoever that he is getting married. You are only stressing cuz you still love him. Yes, you say you dont want him back... but... that does not mean you still feel for him. Don't marry this new guy, poor thing, be honest with him or at least with yourself. Don't get married if you still long for this other guy. Even wanting revenge is not only not healthy but not nice. I would have understood that you left the city, you got bummed out for 18 months, etc if you would have been with him for years and years... then maybe, but only maybe, it would be justifiable... but you ONLY DATED THIS DUDE FOR 5 MONTHS!!!! 5 MONTHS!!! I agree you need a counselor. Not trying to offend you or anything but its not normal to feel the way you are feeling... and its not normal no to be over him after so long... I think what upsets you as well is that "he dumped" you!!! And that makes your self esteem low but... you dumped him twice before he dumped you!!!! So just seek counseling... and don't marry this new guy... at least not yet
Choco-cat Choco-cat 6 years
I'm in the camp that think you're having trouble getting over the break-up - not that you want him back. I don't think you should go out of your way to talk to you Ex (don't be rude, but don't try to have a chat or anything with him). As he broke up with you by text (and after not letting you break up with him!), my guess is you have a lot of unresolved questions regarding your past relationship. Unfortunately, I don't think those will ever be resolved and you will, quite possibly, never feel completely comfortable around the man. My advice: if you can, talk to your current love about it - how it hurt you and what it's making you fear about your current relationship. If you aren't able to talk to him about it, I would definitely suggest going to a therapist to try to work through it. Just because your last relationship left you scarred in the end, that doesn't mean you can't be happy going forward. If you truly love your current partner, don't let your past fears get the better of you and sabotage your own happiness.
Choco-cat Choco-cat 6 years
I'm in the camp that think you're having trouble getting over the break-up - not that you want him back. I don't think you should go out of your way to talk to you Ex (don't be rude, but don't try to have a chat or anything with him). As he broke up with you by text (and after not letting you break up with him!), my guess is you have a lot of unresolved questions regarding your past relationship. Unfortunately, I don't think those will ever be resolved and you will, quite possibly, never feel completely comfortable around the man. My advice: if you can, talk to your current love about it - how it hurt you and what it's making you fear about your current relationship. If you aren't able to talk to him about it, I would definitely suggest going to a therapist to try to work through it. Just because your last relationship left you scarred in the end, that doesn't mean you can't be happy going forward. If you truly love your current partner, don't let your past fears get the better of you and sabotage your own happiness.
ali321 ali321 6 years
You're spending more time getting over him than you did actually dating him. I guess I don't get it. You tried to break up with him so you weren't even happy. I get that he rudely dumped you, but thats his issue not yours. You really need to focus on your own happiness and not worry about his. Like someone else said spend your energy on something else like volunteering or something. Put it into yourself so you can be happy.
ali321 ali321 6 years
You're spending more time getting over him than you did actually dating him. I guess I don't get it. You tried to break up with him so you weren't even happy. I get that he rudely dumped you, but thats his issue not yours. You really need to focus on your own happiness and not worry about his. Like someone else said spend your energy on something else like volunteering or something. Put it into yourself so you can be happy.
mix-tape mix-tape 6 years
You need to ignore the old ex and stick to a plan. You agreed to marry this new guy, albeit a bit earlier than most people would chose to become engaged, so you need to decide right now if this is some fleeting feeling or if you honestly still love your ex. I don't think you love the ex, you are just jealous. The best way to get revenge is to be happy. Make sure you are truly in love with the new guy and go from there. Let go of your past.
tidakpedulidengananda tidakpedulidengananda 6 years
That sucks. I'm not going to be mean, but if by now you still feel that strongly about a guy who dumped you in a rude manner (and you're already engaged to be married to another guy), you need to go seek out therapy. Sincerely doubting your feeling for your new guy, it may even be a rebound, but I don't know, perhaps a really loooong engagement or don't get married to the poor guy who clearly has no clue about your feeling for the other guy.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 6 years
I think that the way you obsessed about the fact that the guy broke up with you is very unhealthy. First of all, moving to another city because you had a break up, are you serious? Is in that a little extreme? I think that you have serious self-esteem problems,and need to stop being so dramatic. Break ups happen all the time, and yes, it is normal to sometimes think about exes, but letting them control your is just not normal. Yes, the way he broke up with you was not the most appropriate way to do it, but he didn't really do anything wrong. You knew from the beginning that things were not right and you decided to stick, that is your own fault. My advice to you is to seek help because your reaction is a little wired. When people break up they get a hair cut, buy clothes. They don't leave everything.
weffie weffie 6 years
Um, get a life! Like, not to be rude, but seriously... try some new hobbies or volunteer somewhere, anything to occupy your mind. You have spent a ridiculously pathetic amount of time pining over some dick that doesn't want you anyway, which sounds like the result of having nothing better to do or think about. Obsessing over exes does not count as a hobby--do something else. Once you are using your brain to think about things besides your ex, your feelings on your current fiance will be much easier to decipher.
weffie weffie 6 years
Um, get a life! Like, not to be rude, but seriously... try some new hobbies or volunteer somewhere, anything to occupy your mind. You have spent a ridiculously pathetic amount of time pining over some dick that doesn't want you anyway, which sounds like the result of having nothing better to do or think about. Obsessing over exes does not count as a hobby--do something else. Once you are using your brain to think about things besides your ex, your feelings on your current fiance will be much easier to decipher.
skigurl skigurl 6 years
I'm with le romantique. Frankly, a person who a) runs away out of a city and job because of a guy, and b) gets engaged after 5 months is someone different than I, and therefore I have no advice. I found this question VERY hard to follow.
skigurl skigurl 6 years
I'm with le romantique. Frankly, a person who a) runs away out of a city and job because of a guy, and b) gets engaged after 5 months is someone different than I, and therefore I have no advice.I found this question VERY hard to follow.
le-romantique le-romantique 6 years
I don't have much advice on this one, but... engaged after 5 months?
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
I agree with Betty Wayne and nevaeh. You need to find a way to make the appropriate steps for getting over him and you should hold off on your engagement plans because it is not fair to yourself or your fiance to go into marriage when you're still harboring these feelings. Best of luck!
trinitycc trinitycc 6 years
Hmm; I think your unhappiness is how he dumped you after you tried to end the relationship twice. The fact that he won't talk to you at work with a room full of people means he is still trying to hurt you, for whatever reason. I know it's hard but you will have to ignore him, like GregS said. Just because he seems to be happy in his new relationship, does not make it so. If he was happy with his life he would treat you as just another co-worker, no different from anyone else. Try this, every time you think about him, replace the thoughts with your fiancee. Holding on to anger will eat you and destroy your life; let it go, shed him like an old ratty coat!
GregS GregS 6 years
OP - Your mum is right. You are not over him yet. If you were, you wouldn't be thinking about this, maybe even obsessing over "getting back" at him. You are not ready for a relationship yet. The 18 months was a good idea on your part. Ignore #1 for the following reasons; 1. it's your best way to get back at him, and 2. it will help you understand that your anger towards him is self-destructive.
GregS GregS 6 years
OP - Your mum is right. You are not over him yet. If you were, you wouldn't be thinking about this, maybe even obsessing over "getting back" at him.You are not ready for a relationship yet. The 18 months was a good idea on your part. Ignore #1 for the following reasons; 1. it's your best way to get back at him, and 2. it will help you understand that your anger towards him is self-destructive.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
I meant still care. Sorry about the misspell. Ughh.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
Point taken. I meant I noticed she tried to break up with him twice before he finally broke up with her after five months. I'm just looking at facts. He denied the breakup the first two times so I am looking into the reason there. Are those reasons still there? Probably not but I think some communication should happen. I dunno but they both seem tortured or something. It seems to be an indicator when both people still are so I am wondering perhaps if this could be something underlying even with the engagements. I'm trying to say it would be nice if she had a little heart talk with him about it all in order to move on. It would be interesting to hear what he has to say becuase I feel that there has been some really big misunderstandings about it all and its tearing her up.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
Point taken. I meant I noticed she tried to break up with him twice before he finally broke up with her after five months. I'm just looking at facts. He denied the breakup the first two times so I am looking into the reason there. Are those reasons still there? Probably not but I think some communication should happen. I dunno but they both seem tortured or something. It seems to be an indicator when both people still are so I am wondering perhaps if this could be something underlying even with the engagements.I'm trying to say it would be nice if she had a little heart talk with him about it all in order to move on. It would be interesting to hear what he has to say becuase I feel that there has been some really big misunderstandings about it all and its tearing her up.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
I completely agree with Betty Wayne on this one. If you look at it from outside perspective, if anything, it's your ego that's been badly bruised by his thoughtlessness. He didn't try to destroy your life, and yes, he's a selfish jerk for breaking up the way he did, but that's about the extent of it. I understand the anger and pain, but the only thing that's hurting is YOU. Not him. He's moving on just fine, found his 'true love' with the co-worker and getting married to her, so everything seems dandy for him (but you know what, karma will pay him back one day, really). It's YOU who are suffering, unable to let go and possibly withholding real/true love from your fiancee because you're too busy feeling anger and pain from your past relationship. Please try out therapy to ge proper techniques on how to get over him. If it's possible at all to work somewhere else (since you did mention you left for a year to work somewhere else/transferred), I'd suggest that too. I also think that you're not ready to get married to your fiancee as well if you're feeling this way. It doesn't mean you need to break it off, perhaps a long engagement is best in this case when you're trying to work on yourself. Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
I completely agree with Betty Wayne on this one. If you look at it from outside perspective, if anything, it's your ego that's been badly bruised by his thoughtlessness. He didn't try to destroy your life, and yes, he's a selfish jerk for breaking up the way he did, but that's about the extent of it. I understand the anger and pain, but the only thing that's hurting is YOU. Not him. He's moving on just fine, found his 'true love' with the co-worker and getting married to her, so everything seems dandy for him (but you know what, karma will pay him back one day, really).It's YOU who are suffering, unable to let go and possibly withholding real/true love from your fiancee because you're too busy feeling anger and pain from your past relationship.Please try out therapy to ge proper techniques on how to get over him. If it's possible at all to work somewhere else (since you did mention you left for a year to work somewhere else/transferred), I'd suggest that too. I also think that you're not ready to get married to your fiancee as well if you're feeling this way. It doesn't mean you need to break it off, perhaps a long engagement is best in this case when you're trying to work on yourself. Good luck.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 6 years
Not too late for what, dikke? For her to dump her fiance and get back with this dude who has his own fiancee? "Now my mum says that I have not gotten over him but I disagree as I do NOT want him back, I just want him to suffer the way I have one so and it pains me to know that he is happy and moving on after trying t destroy me." Your mom is 100% right. Just because you don't want him back doesn't mean you're over him. Honestly, I think you do want him back. Wanting anyone to suffer is not healthy. It's seriously fucked up. And he didn't try to destroy you. He's a jerk and he dumped you via text message for a co-worker. For some reason your reaction to this is way out of proportion. It's normal to feel that way directly after a break-up, but 2 years after and you're still completely obsessing about him? Not normal or healthy in any way. Not one bit. It's clear that guy #1 want's nothing to do with you- he probably thinks you're nuts and that's why he avoids you at work. I don't blame him. You need counseling/therapy, and for the sake of your fiance, DO NOT get married until you have moved on. "I spent one and a half years being miserable until i decided that maybe i should move onto another relationship as trying to get over it on my own wasn't working." No man can fix you. Only YOU can fix you. I do think you made a mistake getting engaged to this man #2- after only five months!- and I honestly think part of your motivation in getting engaged was to hopefully make man #1 so jealous he would come running back to you. I'm not saying you should dump man #2, I just think you are unprepared for the emotional commitment that comes with marriage. You're not hopeless, you just need intense therapy. Best wishes.
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