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Falling Out of Love

"Are We Falling Out of Love?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been with my boyfriend for two years now. Initially, I fell for him first and then he fell for me. We have a strong relationship and we talk about everything — including marriage. Things used to be great, and I used to think I could never live without him. Even the thought of losing him could bring me to tears.

Recently, though, we were apart for two weeks, and when we saw each other again, I didn't feel the usual passion between us. He'd been on a business trip and things didn't go well, so he came back upset. After trying and trying so hard to please him, I completely lost it. I sat him down and calmly talked to him about whether or not marriage was a good idea. In that moment, I was remembering all the things we used to disagree about, and how I used to think he wasn't in love with me. I know that he loves me — but in love? I don't know.

He was mad at me at first. He told me that he thought we were over this issue, and that he genuinely is in love with me — that if he were to make a checklist about how I'm going to be a wonderful wife, the list would never end. I told him that this was exactly what I hated: making decisions based on checklists about people. At the end of our conversation, he apologized for not giving me the proper attention and I apologized for making everything about me. We said goodbye and today I just feel nothing. I see his pictures, I read his love letters, I try to remember our memories, and I just feel nothing — and something tells me he is probably feeling the same way. He always calls first thing in the morning to wish me a good day, but today he didn't and I can feel this huge coldness between us.

I don't fear losing him anymore and I want to talk to him about this, but I know that even if he's feeling the same way, he would never admit it. He thinks he's made plans and given promises, so he can never change his mind. I don't know what to do. Could it be that I stopped taking my birth control pills, so I have hormonal and mood changes? And as for him, maybe it's the failure at work? Does this feeling go away?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously on Group Therapy for advice and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Join The Conversation
Matthew15271857 Matthew15271857 2 years
I bet its deffinitely your birth control. Those can affect mood and emotions on a huge scale. Talk to your doctor about this. Does anything else in your life that you used to enjoy also seem bland to you?
LittleSuri LittleSuri 3 years
Hi there, I'm so sorry that you feel this way.  I have felt this way too in the past.  First off, just as you mentioned, it could be your hormonal changes affecting your emotions.  Nonetheless, there are a few issues I'd like to address in your post.  You mentioned "in love" versus "love"..."in love" is infatuation, the rush of happy hormones you get from feeling loved and pursued.  You won't always feel this way, even if you find Mr. Right.  In fact, studies have shown that couples fall out of the "in love" phase on average 2 years afterwards.  At that point, it is about remembering that you have committed to love this person for the rest of your life (if you made that commitment) and actively expressing your love for him even if you don't 'feel' like it.  And it's not as boring as it seems...your spark doesn't fade...actually the fun times happen after the 'in love' phase because this is where you two really grow together as a unit. You know him inside and out, and he you, yet there will always be more to learn about one another.  In fact, get use to the idea that he will change many times in his lifetime as you will too.  Think of this way: You get to fall in love with a different man every few years because of how we change in our lifetime.  I am currently in a wonderful relationship with a man who is across the country.  We lived in the same city for the first 5 months of our relationship, but he was relocated a couple thousand miles away.  By that time, we had already decided that marriage to one another was in our near future and that we would continue this relationship long-distance unofficially engaged.  I had a friend who was concerned for me and had asked what I would do if the next time I see him, one or both of us would be a different person, or if the feelings change/fade.  I told her without a doubt, that it could definitely happen, however, it didn't concern me because I love his core being/principles/values/who he stands for and even if the feelings fade or change, that it would only mean that we get to fall in love all over again--I get to know him all over again--it is not a fear, but an adventure.  Love is an action.  If you act out love, your feelings will catch up.  The wonderful thing about our relationship is that he and I are on the same page about this...Love is an action, it is about commitment.  I know it sounds emotionless, but believe me it is not :)  Joy comes from knowing that I have nothing to fear about our relationship ending.  Peace comes from knowing that even when we have a horrible 'heated verbal altercation' (as I like to call them), we won't give up on this or each other.  And with that security burned into our hearts and minds, we are able to bare all to one another without fear. Love is sacrificial--of your time, emotions, dreams, and fears.  And knowing that you care for one another makes sacrificing easier.   Before I met my man, I was just like most young women--I wanted the emotional highs of feeling in love with my soulmate.  In the beginning of the relationship, he did pursue me...but I wanted flowers and overwhelmingly mushy love letters; I wanted him to notice all the little things and to woo me with that detailed knowledge.  Being blunt here: Guys are dense.  Be direct.  Most of our 'heated verbal altercations' are a result of me forgetting this rule.  So I told him exactly how I like to be loved--text me Good morning and Good night. Send me a card.  Send me Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies.  Write me a love letter.  LOL  I know it may not sound romantic, but I'm building some good habits in him so that in the future it will become second nature.  Of course, I, as most ladies, would love to have my man already know these things and do it daily...but how would a guy know unless you tell them without skirting the issue.  Make it very clear to him and he will oblige because he wants you to know how much he loves you.  Also, he incredibly awesome mom raised him to affirm his wife with daily affection.  (What can I say, women need to be told they are loved everyday.  Apparently, the majority of married women also have the thought in the back of their minds of "Does he really love me?"  He doesn't understand this concept, but he doesn't have to in order to do it daily.)  I also recommend reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.      So here are my main points in case you decide to skip to the conclusion: 1. In Love = Infatuation; True Love = Commitment and consistent actions of expressing love  2. True story = over your lifetime and his, you will both change.  This is not a bad thing if you look at it in a different light...loving him is an adventure. 3. Emotions follow your actions.  If you show love to him, you will feel it. 4. Stick with your relationship...it only gets better. :) 5. Be crystal clear with him.  Tell him exactly what you need and what you mean.  And don't forget to ask him how you can show him love in the way he likes too.    I hope this helps.  It's a long post, I'm sorry... Good luck.
DreamerGirl85 DreamerGirl85 3 years
Yeah me too im afraid :/ I think you havent been together log enough for the marriage stuff. If you want to spend the rest of r life with him, give it more time. You have a lot more to experience together. Whats the rush? A big expensive party?? Im 27, married and divorced. I regret the rush. Tremendously
henna-red henna-red 3 years
Right there with Bubbles on this.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 3 years
From your writing you don't understand or have what it takes at this point in your life to be a real partner. You're fixated on romance, which is definitely NOT the same thing. He came home in a funk. Men's self-esteem is even more tied to their careers than ours, as a rule. His career went awry -- this is a huge moment for you to be the loving partner, step forward and show you are a lioness when her mate is wounded and care for him at tell the world to eff off. And instead of having his back and letting him fall apart, you made his emotional low about you and your needs. Honey, just...no. That is not love. You lacked empathy, caring. You were incredibly narcissistic. But such is youth for many of us. I think you lost interest because he needed you and you just aren't about that. Hopefully you will be someday. Are you ready for a 'real relationship'? Are you ready to put yourself and your need for being the center on the back burner to care for someone else as appropriate? If you aren't -- no shame. Just know that you are all about the excitement of romance and chase rainbows for awhile of hot, passionate sex, being the center of someone's being. But put a date on it, because while it's got a lot of highs and lows, it is not love. And you can't live off it for very long in life on romantic passion. A long-term relationship will have moments of romance. But it's mostly about being a team, and being part of a team means his needs are at times more important than yours.
BiWife BiWife 3 years
" I completely lost it, sat him down and calmly talked to him about whether or not the marrieg thing was a good idea. " you completely lost it or you were calm? one or the other happened, not both, honey. I'm guessing it wasn't the most calm discussion about marriage/commitment. " i was remembring all the things we used to disagree on and the initial idea that I had for all these two years that: "He is NOT in love with me." " and then you fixated on everything he's ever done to make you mad... of course you felt numb after a while, you threw yourself into an emotional fit for who knows how long. you need to sit back and calm the hell down. every relationship goes through bumpy periods. what matters is how you react to them. I guarantee that the business failures are weighing heavy on him, he likely has a boss that is seriously micro-managing him at this point to punish him. you can't expect him to be fully attentive to you while he's out of the country on a business trip that isn't going well, it's very naive to expect him to never have more pressing matters than talking to you about your day. girls, in general, really have to calm down when they have significant others who have long bouts of business travel. they're most likely spending the majority of their time on business/work, not scamming on chicks or otherwise being jerks. and when they are on such a trip, they're *supposed* to be laser focused on work, so they aren't going to be spending hours on the phone to "make up" for them not being in town with their girlfriend. just wait until the trip is over and then do make-up dates when he's back in town and not totally consumed with work.
Iliy Iliy 3 years
I definitely think that you not taking birth control pills anymore gave you mood and personality swings. Honey, there is no such thing as "dead passion" between two people that have been in a relationship for two years. That is just an excuse for people!! If there ever was love between you two, it is not going to die in a few days/weeks!! I suggest you start dating again, being more physical, just like in the beginning of a relationship. People need this kind of things, sometimes. Do not exaggerate, I am sure it is just temporary!
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