This time of year is always really tough for me. Everyone is talking about their plans with their families, and yet mine wants nothing to do with me.
About five years ago I sat down with my family, and told them what I'd been terrified of telling them my whole life — they had a bisexual daughter. I told them all about the therapist I'd been seeing for months, and how the guilt over my sexuality had been eating me alive for years. They told me they'd have to pray to see how they felt about it. Eventually, they took a vote and disowned me. They also cut me off financially in the last semester of college, leaving me without a degree, a place to live, or a family.
Things are a lot better after five years. My career is going well, I'm married, and I just finished taking my last two classes to graduate. Most of the time, my heart is hardened, and I don't even think about them. But every Christmas, I am just eaten up with sadness at how much I miss them.
I'm so torn because they are such horrible people for the way they treated me. I know intellectually I was very much abused. I also know I've been the bigger person for years sending them letters, Christmas presents and reaching out to them. But this last year, I tried and was rebuffed so hard I realized it was just going to make me miserable. I try to concentrate on how much I've gained in five years and not on what I lost. But this time of year, I can't help but feel a sadness so fierce it feels like it will eat me alive.
Anyway, thanks for listening.