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Fiance Got Engagement I Don't Want

Group Therapy: She Got Me a Ring

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My fiance got me an engagement ring a month after I first proposed to her. Even before we began officially dating I mentioned that my grandfather's wedding ring would be the only one I would want to wear. She's told me since I proposed that she feels undeserving of her ring and bad that I emptied my bank account to get it. She loves it and we talked about what she wanted many times, and every time she asked me what I wanted, I would state my grandfather's ring meant so much to me and that's all I want.  


She surprised me with a pricey ring, that doesn't look bad, but I don't want. When I mention that I'm having a hard time dealing with it, she says that I need to suck it up and she mentions returning hers as well. Should I quietly suck it up, or try to get used to it or continue this conversation that seems to be getting us closer to our first real fight?

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SMRster SMRster 5 years
She has an issue. There has to be something wrong on her side if she doesn't feel she deserves the ring you got her. And she completely ignored your feelings, which is a bad sign, maybe she's trying to start something, doesn't actually want to get married? If there really isn't a bigger underlying issue, then maybe a good compromise would be wear the ring she got you for the engagement, but after you are married you get to wear your grandfathers ring. The other ring can go on another finger or something? (that goes for before and after)
tlsgirl tlsgirl 5 years
I'm mostly confused as to why she feels undeserving. It seems...off somehow. But I agree with some of the other posters that your wishes as to your grandpa's ring are a big deal and you shouldn't be forced to accept another, especially if the reasoning is something as odd as her making up for her "undeserving" status.
finzup finzup 5 years
I'm with everyone who thinks it's crazy that she bought you a ring and totally disregarded that you wanted to wear your grandfathers ring. The "suck it up" and her not feeling like she deserves the ring would set off bells in my head. The "suck it up" is completely callous and rude and the "not deserving" thing seems like she may be feeling some sort of guilt? Threatening to return the ring you got her when you bought what SHE wanted is just plain selfish. I would simply tell her that you are not wearing the ring. She can return it and get her money back or it can sit in a drawer forever.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
Wow, there's a lot of opposing opinions on this one. Did everyone who said "Yeah, you need to suck it up" even read that he has an emotional attachment to his grandfather's ring? Have you never had a family heirloom? Do you not understand emotional attachment to family heirlooms? I need a little something cleared up, though... does she want you to wear her ring in replacement of your grandfather's ring? Or does she assume you will wear both rings? I think medenginer has some good advice about wearing the rings on different hands if she assumes you will wear both. However, if she believes that the ring she bought you will serve as a replacement to your grandfather's ring, just kindly tell her that you appreciate her wanting to buy you something nice, but that you are emotionally invested in your grandfather's ring and are unwilling to disregard it for a new ring.
stephley stephley 5 years
If she doesn't listen to you about this...
medenginer medenginer 5 years
your
medenginer medenginer 5 years
Since you probably won't be able to exchange get a refund for the ring I would just keep it. Wear you grandfather's ring and the other one how you want to. You can save the ring for a nephew, child, and it can become a family heirloom.
danakscully64 danakscully64 5 years
Have you considered that maybe she doesn't like the idea of you wearing your grandfather's ring? Maybe she feels you should have a ring that represents the two of you as a couple and not something that's been used before. I think you should talk to her about this. Maybe when the time comes to get married, you can switch the new ring over to the other hand and use your Grandfather's ring as your wedding ring. If you're going to be getting married to her, you need to be able to discuss things. If you feel like you can't, maybe you should reconsider the engagement.
Choco-cat Choco-cat 5 years
wow, i would not think this is a good sign for your relationship - it does not sound like she is a very good listener and that she likes to play games (if she is threatening to return hers just because you don't want yours). i think you two need to sit down and have a serious talk about communication, perhaps with a professional, before you walk down the aisle.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
LOL skigurl, we posted the same comment at almost the same time!
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
Never heard of the male engagement ring either. Can't really see how guys would be into it. No guy I know would wear an engagement ring that he would have to explain to his buddies. He would never hear the end of it. I guess it's really for the woman who wants the world to know that her guy is "taken" before she locks down the wedding vows....as if that guarantees anything. Sounds a little insecure to me. I think your fiance should respect your wishes to wear your grandfather's ring and let it go, not pout like a baby. You have some serious discussions ahead of you before you tie the knot.
weffie weffie 5 years
Sorry to be blunt but suck it up. "Boo-hoo, expensive jewelry I don't want!" Honestly?! If I were you, I'd just thank my lucky stars that life is so easy this actually seems like a problem.
skigurl skigurl 5 years
I agree, I find it weird that she got you an engagement ring to begin with. It makes me think she wants to make sure people know you're taken - e.g. it obviously would look like a wedding ring when on your ring fingers. Furthermore, I don't get why she is so weird about her own ring and how she wants to take it back. It sounds like she has major issues, first for not appreciating your request to wear your grandfathers ring, and second for not wanting to keep her own ring, and three, for putting these two weird issues together like it's some sort of package deal. And finally, I find it odd that you're close enough to get married but you've never had a "real fight" before this. I'm surprised and it makes me think that you two don't communicate enough and aren't exactly ready for marriage. If you were, she would have known your desires better and you would have been able to stop this whole issue before it began.
lizkiernan lizkiernan 5 years
I agree with Snooky, nothing new to add. For my engagement present I got my husband an xbox with a few games. I knew he didn't want a ring or anything like that, so I decided to get him something of equal value that he'd really enjoy. Also, she might be feeling massively guilty that you spent so much money on her ring, more than she might feel was worth it. Some people have a lot of trouble having money like that spent on them, and they feel they have to make it 'equal,' even if they don't realize it.
bisou002 bisou002 5 years
I agree that it's kind of ridiculous that your fiance completely disregarded your emotional attachment to your grandfather's wedding band. I don't understand why she would do that. I got engaged back in March and let me tell you, if my fiance had a ring of his own that had sentimental value, I'd be thrilled - one less thing for us to purchase! Not only that, but I would think it was very sweet that he'd want to wear his grandfather's ring. I'd take the ring back to the store and exchange it for something else. I'd say you're 99% unlikely to get a refund, so just get cufflinks to wear on your wedding day instead! That way your fiance will still have given you something special for your big day.
Bailey-Bloom Bailey-Bloom 5 years
I agree with Snooky. Hello! What point does she not get that you are going to wear your grandfather's ring and you told her repeatedly. If I was going to buy someone a gift and they told me that he already have X or they don't like X, I would not get it for them. She could have bought you something that is equally expensive and that is not ring. She just wasted her own money. If the ring is refundable, I highly doubt it is, I would tell her to return it and get me something else. Something that both of you guys can benefit from or something you will like since you guys are lacking in the money department. Other than that, just compromise, switch rings out now and then kinda like girls change jewelry or guys change watches. It's nice to have variety right? But since your grandfather's ring is precious to you, I suggest you wear it on your wedding day.
kismekate kismekate 5 years
Okay, 1. I think you just have to suck it up. She wanted to get you something nice, just like you got her something nice. And 2. Male engagement rings?? Is this a new trend?
Gdeeaz Gdeeaz 5 years
What sticks out to me is that you told her you wanted to wear your grandfathers ring but she totally disregarded that and got you a new ring that she knew you didn't want. What does she want you to do with the second ring? Wear it instead of your grandfathers? I think the bigger issue is that she doesn't feel she deserves the ring you gave her. You two need to talk about this and figure out why she feels she doesn't deserve it.
GlitzyGlam GlitzyGlam 5 years
Hmm.. I caught my current boyfriend looking at engagement rings for himself one day while we were in a jewelry store. I have a feeling he's not trusting my judgment to pick out a "good" enough one for him. Yes, it honestly hurts my feelings that there would be a possibility that he won't like the one I pick out. So maybe it hurts your fiance's feelings and that's why she is getting a little bitter about the subject. In Europe men and women wear rings on their right hands, may you could wear both of them. One on each hand, maybe find a matching one like your grandfather's for her to wear on her other hand. It's compromising..
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
What's the big deal? It's a present. Just accept it and say thanks. If she thinks she can afford it, that's on her. It'll make her feel better about wearing her engagement ring. Put it in a drawer and let the thought be what counts. You don't have to wear it and she has no right to pressure you to. If, as a couple, you need to make some fast cash later you could sell it then.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
How about a compromise? You can wear the ring she gave you in a necklace (get a chain of similar metal and put the ring there) while you wear your grandpa's ring on your finger (or you can do it the other way around). On the wedding ceremony day, you can do either way (from above). And tell her that after the ceremony (if she really wants you to wear that ring she got for you during the ceremony) that on a daily basis (during your marriage to her), you'll wear your grandfather's ring, since you find his ring to be very precious, you should be able to wear it on a daily basis during your marriage. The point is you guys should be happy together and not fighting over this matter. I think she just feels uncomfortable that you got her a pricey ring and she doesn't get you anything. You guys probably need more talking to each other and learn each other better, I doubt that she's trying to 'control' you with the new ring. She probably has a good intention by getting you a new ring. If this is your first real fight...hmmm..yah, I'll voice Fallen's sentiment, how long have you guys been together?
Fallen85 Fallen85 5 years
Your first real fight? How long have you guys been together??
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