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Finding Yourself

"Is it Possible to Find Myself Outside of a Relationship?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Before I got into the world of dating, I was quite young and naive and expected to maybe date one or two people until I found someone who satisfied me and we would settle down. Or I thought I would be single most of my life, refusing to waste my time on people who were not worthy of my precious time and only be in a relationship when I thought it would be "the one."

Well, much to my surprise, I found it shocking how many people you can date! When one relationship is over, I move onto the next guy, like a factory assembly line. But the point of the matter is, I'm shocked at how easily I let myself move on from one guy to the next. I feel like I'm being disrespectful to a previous relationship if I move on so quickly, that I should allow some time for myself to heal and restore my sense of self. And I don't do it as a rebound relationship; I do it because I feel like I may miss out on an opportunity or, I guess, I do it to help me move on from a previous relationship.

It's come to a point where I am in between relationships and I want to savor this time, learn from my previous relationship mistakes so that I have a better idea of how to manage the next relationship I get into, maybe even really apply myself to what I want from my life. I feel like maybe I have been hiding behind relationships so that I don't have to face these difficult upcoming decisions, as university comes to an end this year and I have no concrete plans for the future.

But I say I'm in between relationships for a reason, because, as usual, there is an individual with whom I would really like to pursue a relationship. But now I'm confused whether I actually do want to pursue a relationship with him or whether I'm using that as an excuse to not think about my future. I always used to be so logical and focused on what I wanted to achieve in life, but ever since I have lost sight of what I really want, I have begun to throw myself into relationships.

So, my question is: Should I just take time and focus on myself, or is it possible for me to find myself and what I really want out of my future while I'm in a relationship? Or will the relationship just be an excuse for me to avoid these confrontations?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously in Group Therapy for advice and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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henna-red henna-red 3 years
The relationship you need to be in right now, is with you. You need to do what you say you're wanting to do....focusing on yourself, your goals, your patterns.....clarifying for yourself who you are, what you want, and how you're going to manifest all of that. There is no way for you to be in healthy, successful partnership with another if you're not strong, self aware and whole just as you. I think you've put it pretty well, you're running away from all of those difficulty life lessons and runnning into the fun, euphoria, and emotional high a new relationships. You are avoiding. I expect you have some serious fear of failure behind you. If you actually did the things you say and know that you want and need to do. you're afraid you're going to come up short and unsuccful And you're not so much afraid of a lost opportunity, a s afraid of a lack of stimulation......you look only outside of yourself for stimulaion, and not from within. That doesn't actually give you much to offer to prospective love interests. I think you propbably don't have a very good understanding of what a good relationship actually is, and I have a suspicion that you don't actually want a serious relationship, so you keep checking out the bench, to see who's up to bat next. Way past time to settle yourself and address your own stated concerns here. You will be able to be on your own.....when you're done the work around your self confidence, self awarness, and self esteem. good luck
missmaryb missmaryb 3 years
Well, there are definitely lots of fish in the sea and there's certainly nothing wrong with sampling as many as you can lol. However, I do think that you are concerned with your need to be part of a couple, all of the time. I am of the school that thinks that a girl should be able to take care of herself, both physically, emotionally and financially. You never know when you might be single and there won't be a guy on the horizon. Once you get out of college and into the working world, that ready-made pool of guys goes too. And then you might be busy working, setting up an apartment, etc. I would advise you to get comfortable in your own skin, as YOU, not as someone's girlfriend. Who are you, all by yourself? Everyone talks about "finding yourself" and it sounds so cliche, but it's so important. I went from high school, to college, to living with my boyfriend and marriage. I was never truly out on my own, I was just the other half of him. When we divorced 13 yrs later, I had a lot of opportunity to find myself. And it's been amazing! I was lucky enough to be financially stable, so that was one worry off the table, but I also learned who I am, what I believe in, what I want in life, what I don't want, etc. I think every girl should have a time of just being her own best friend, so she can truly be someone else's best friend and partner. Good luck!
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