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Is Flirting Harmless?

Group Therapy: Is Flirting Really Harmless?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend flirts constantly with girls. Co-workers mostly. We have been together almost three years. He never flirts in front of me and even goes out of his way to pretend not to see a pretty girl when we're out. Thing is, he considers himself a harmless flirt and says he won't change this behavior. I say it's inappropriate to give his number to girls.  Co-workers or not.  And I think it's inappropriate to take a girl's number if you are in a committed relationship.

He thinks it's also OK to be sexual in his flirting. I tell him no it's not. I say there is a difference between telling a girl that she looks good today, and telling her she's beautiful. Or saying stupid things like "I was looking at your Facebook photos and I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend." I know this is wrong, but I looked at some messages from my boyfriend to one girl where she and he were catching up (this girl was his first sexual experience, btw) and she said she hadn't met the right guy and that's why she's single. He replied with "I'm here" then later he was talking about her "boobies" (she has huge breasts) she wasn't taking the bait, but he seemed to be trying to get her to flirt more which she had no interest in. She appeared to be talking to more than just him and he got offended that her attention wasn't only on their conversation.

Another girl he met at work recently had posted on his Facebook wall that she was glad he decided to start back up on Facebook (he hadn't been on in months) then he replied that he got back on just for her. He says it's all innocent, but he seems to start the flirting and only backs off when he doesn't get a cute response. He flirts in person with these girls and online and texts, and while it may not be about sex itself, but it is not innocent in nature. I also know for a fact that he wouldn't like me doing the same thing. He uses the excuse that I'm just not a born flirt like he is. But that's b.s. because I used to flirt with guys all the time . . . when I was single. I no longer think it's a good idea to be texting random guys just for my own amusement.

It's my opinion that if I am constantly texting and/or flirting with a guy other than my boyfriend, it would be because I either want attention or I want action. Is this a fair assumption of flirting?

I would love to hear some opinions on this matter. Do men view flirting differently? Should I be more understanding or does anyone agree with me that flirting is a gateway to taking it to the next level. Some help please. Some days I feel like I overreact and mostly I feel that if he has me, he has no reason to want to socialize with these girls without me.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Michish Michish 4 years
with all do respect, your boyfriend is being a douchebag and doesn't deserve you. he's like this now, he'll be like this in the future. the end.
Skillgirl Skillgirl 4 years
You wrote that he doesn't get sexual in his conversations, just inappropriate. I'm not sure what you consider inappropriate, but I have a feeling it's silly, harmless flirting that has the potential to get sexual. I would not be okay with my boyfriend socializing and flirting with "new" female friends. However, you should not be quick to tell him he can't talk to "old" female friends. Give him one last chance and just have a straightforward talk with him about your expectations for female coworkers and friends and women in general.Tell him that's how you feel and if he crosses the line, then he has to go. He needs to really get that when you are in a serious relationship, that there has to be ground rules so you are comfortable and can trust him on his own. He seems to want attention. Maybe he really is clueless as to your feelings on the subject and has been passing them off as you being controlling. If after your talk, he finally gets it and promises not to do it anymore, than trust him. If you see anymore texts, messages, or whatever, that is inappropriate, then leave him. Statistics show that people will repeat the same mistakes over and over if they are easily forgiven.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 4 years
This is full on disrespect. Not only is your boyfriend not respecting the fact that he should LOVE YOU, he's disrespecting the girls he's flirting with. I agree with the posters who said that if they were being flirted on by this guy, that they'd feel sorry for his girlfriend. It's definitely been done to me before, and it's never a good sign. Final words: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Try Helen's advice and flirt as you would in reflection to him. He doesn't have the right to stop you, whether you're good at it or not. He's being a totally cocky little bastard by saying he's good at it and you're not, anyways.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 4 years
This is full on disrespect. Not only is your boyfriend not respecting the fact that he should LOVE YOU, he's disrespecting the girls he's flirting with. I agree with the posters who said that if they were being flirted on by this guy, that they'd feel sorry for his girlfriend. It's definitely been done to me before, and it's never a good sign. Final words:"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Try Helen's advice and flirt as you would in reflection to him. He doesn't have the right to stop you, whether you're good at it or not. He's being a totally cocky little bastard by saying he's good at it and you're not, anyways.
fmminis fmminis 4 years
I have bedroom eyes...if I look at a girl ... I automatically get into trouble...making advances is not cool...
fmminis fmminis 4 years
I have bedroom eyes...if I look at a girl ... I automatically get into trouble...making advances is not cool...
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
Is this new behavior or have you been dealing with this behavior for the past 3 years? I'd find that behavior unacceptable if I were you and would have left sooner rather than arguing your point that it's inappropriate for the past 3 years (seriously, if he's not changed his behavior throughout these past few years after much prodding from you, he WON'T, he already told you this, how clear can this get?). I dated a man like your bf, and lucky for me, he showed the behavior pretty early in the dating period so I could happily move on to another guy. :) Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
Is this new behavior or have you been dealing with this behavior for the past 3 years?I'd find that behavior unacceptable if I were you and would have left sooner rather than arguing your point that it's inappropriate for the past 3 years (seriously, if he's not changed his behavior throughout these past few years after much prodding from you, he WON'T, he already told you this, how clear can this get?).I dated a man like your bf, and lucky for me, he showed the behavior pretty early in the dating period so I could happily move on to another guy. :)Good luck.
GTCB GTCB 4 years
My goodness - I hope the Sugar network isn't included in jazzytummy's assessment of social networking sites! And as far as the OP goes - he's walking all over you. I certainly wouldn't put up with this sort of behaviour in a gf, so you shouldn't in a bf.
GTCB GTCB 4 years
My goodness - I hope the Sugar network isn't included in jazzytummy's assessment of social networking sites!And as far as the OP goes - he's walking all over you. I certainly wouldn't put up with this sort of behaviour in a gf, so you shouldn't in a bf.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 4 years
Start flirting in front of him. Enjoy yourself. When he overreacts by getting irate or using it as an excuse to act out with one of these girls, you'll see his true colors. Be prepared. You're going to be grossed out. All he cares about is him. You're just in his life for convenience.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 4 years
Start flirting in front of him. Enjoy yourself. When he overreacts by getting irate or using it as an excuse to act out with one of these girls, you'll see his true colors. Be prepared. You're going to be grossed out.All he cares about is him. You're just in his life for convenience.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 4 years
He's crossed a line and he's being incredibly disrespectful to you. You have every right to be irked by this. I'd walk away and find someone who respects you and likes you enough to cease flirting with other girls.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 4 years
This is not normal flirting!! Normal flirting is something you could do in front of your significant other, this is just down right wrong! He's an asshole for doing this and even more of an asshole for making you think that it's okay and that you're in the wrong. Talking about a girls boobs and trying to make them feel special crosses huge lines, and I would have been gone a long time ago. Get out and find a guy who knows how special you are and reserves those comments just for you. @Jazzy is right, i bet all of these girls feel bad for you and wish they were friends with you so they could tell you what a d-bag your bf is
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 4 years
This is not normal flirting!! Normal flirting is something you could do in front of your significant other, this is just down right wrong! He's an asshole for doing this and even more of an asshole for making you think that it's okay and that you're in the wrong. Talking about a girls boobs and trying to make them feel special crosses huge lines, and I would have been gone a long time ago. Get out and find a guy who knows how special you are and reserves those comments just for you. @Jazzy is right, i bet all of these girls feel bad for you and wish they were friends with you so they could tell you what a d-bag your bf is
mrscharles-2007 mrscharles-2007 4 years
Sorry you are in this situation. My ex did things like this to me and it's unacceptable and you should not put up with it at all. This is not just harmless flirting. If any of these girls agreed to go out with him or sleep with him, he would do it...he's looking for something from them. You should dump him and find someone who respects you and would not treat you this way. Good luck!
testadura67 testadura67 4 years
@Jazzy *Applause*
testadura67 testadura67 4 years
@Jazzy *Applause*
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
Jazzy is so right. whenever one of my friends gets hit on by a guy they later find out has a girlfriend, I always say "Just be thankful that you're not the girlfriend."
Ryah-Cooley Ryah-Cooley 4 years
Dump this loser. It's one thing to be friendly and outgoing, but his behavior is blatantly crossing the line. Even worse, you told him how you feel and he still won't change. Get out before you waste any more time.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 4 years
You can bet that all of these girls, whether they like his behavior or not, feel pity for you as his girlfriend, if they even know you exist. This guy is an insensitive douche who not only acts inappropriately with other women, he doesn't care about your feelings in the matter. He has no concept of boundaries in a relationship, and I am sorry, if he doesn't now, he probably never will. Bail and find someone who wants to spend time with you, not with random women on some stupid social networking site. This is how he is, and only a doormat would stay and be treated like this.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 4 years
You can bet that all of these girls, whether they like his behavior or not, feel pity for you as his girlfriend, if they even know you exist. This guy is an insensitive douche who not only acts inappropriately with other women, he doesn't care about your feelings in the matter. He has no concept of boundaries in a relationship, and I am sorry, if he doesn't now, he probably never will.Bail and find someone who wants to spend time with you, not with random women on some stupid social networking site. This is how he is, and only a doormat would stay and be treated like this.
jenjen82 jenjen82 4 years
You sound like he has manipulated you to feel like "the bad guy" in many ways here. I'm going to cut to the point and just advice you to dump the sleaze bag. If he hasn't cheated already he's going to. Sorry to be blunt but you need to get your head out of your ass, and then re-read what you wrote. Come on, does this sound ok to you?
atraditionalist atraditionalist 4 years
also-you;re not overreacting-what he's doing is sleazy
atraditionalist atraditionalist 4 years
yeah your bf is looking for attention or action. This sounds like something that will drive you mental in the future (not to mention now) and is extremely disrespectful. I think he needs to spend some time being single if you catch my drift
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