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Flirting in Long-Term Relationships

Group Therapy: Staying Flirtatious in Long-Term Relationships

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My fiancé and I went out last night to a birthday party for one of his friends. We had a good time and got to see a lot of people we hadn't seen in a while. Both of us are naturally flirty people, not in an over the top or boundary-crossing way but just joking around with friends of the opposite sex.

Anyway watching him with his female friends I realized that since we moved in together six months ago, he really doesn't flirt with me anymore. We have a great relationship, but it just seems like these days it revolves more around cuddling on the couch, on date nights we end up just talking about how to train the dog, the wedding, buying a house, blah blah blah.

We do genuinely have fun together and are deeply in love but I just miss being fun and light-hearted and flirty with him. If I try with him sometimes I feel like he looks at me crazy or brushes me off. I know this is a common thing in long-term relationships, but is it something I just have to deal with or is there something I can do?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
He might be laughing from surprise, not laughing at you. Don't let a little laughter or eyerolling stop you. It takes guts to get what you want. I agree with valerie. Create a little distance. Most of us focus so much on intimacy that lust goes away. Lust thrives on mystery and uncertainty, and to a certain extent objectification. Intimacy tries to remove these things. So don't cuddle so much. Push him away sometimes, teasingly. When you want to flirt with him, pretend he's a stranger--say, the hot friend of a friend you just met. Show your wisecracking side and don't worry about hurting his feelings a little. If you two can stop caring about each other so much and act more like strangers, just temporarily, you'll be able to lust each other again.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
He might be laughing from surprise, not laughing at you. Don't let a little laughter or eyerolling stop you. It takes guts to get what you want. I agree with valerie. Create a little distance. Most of us focus so much on intimacy that lust goes away. Lust thrives on mystery and uncertainty, and to a certain extent objectification. Intimacy tries to remove these things.So don't cuddle so much. Push him away sometimes, teasingly. When you want to flirt with him, pretend he's a stranger--say, the hot friend of a friend you just met. Show your wisecracking side and don't worry about hurting his feelings a little.If you two can stop caring about each other so much and act more like strangers, just temporarily, you'll be able to lust each other again.
valeriekw valeriekw 5 years
i think what you're looking for is to regain the initial spark you first had. it's pretty easy to get it back, but doing it is probably the hardest part. take a trip, go out with the girls, get a hobby--in other words, make sure you have a separate life from him. when he starts to miss you, he'll immediately become interested again and your playful banter will probably resume. try reading "why men love bitches". it's the best book to help you out. and though i'm not one to judge nor do i know the entire situation, i don't think it's the best approach for you or your significant other to flirt with other people. joking around with friends is one thing, flirting is entirely another. it implies interest.
valeriekw valeriekw 5 years
i think what you're looking for is to regain the initial spark you first had. it's pretty easy to get it back, but doing it is probably the hardest part. take a trip, go out with the girls, get a hobby--in other words, make sure you have a separate life from him. when he starts to miss you, he'll immediately become interested again and your playful banter will probably resume. try reading "why men love bitches". it's the best book to help you out.and though i'm not one to judge nor do i know the entire situation, i don't think it's the best approach for you or your significant other to flirt with other people. joking around with friends is one thing, flirting is entirely another. it implies interest.
looseseal looseseal 5 years
Flirting with someone you're already deeply intimate with is like trying to put on socks when you're already wearing socks and shoes. The word "flirt" implies it's done with someone you don't really know. Oblique little signals of interest because it's too soon for declarations of love. You don't have to be vague about your interest in him anymore, your relationship is beyond that now, that might be why the flirting weirds him out. Of course, I don't know how exactly you two flirt with people. There are a lot of different possibilities. There's no reason why you can't still be playful with each other. But now you can be playful in ways that are much more intimate. Ways that you reserve for each other. No need to act like strangers unless that's part of the game, though that game would be kind of awkward if he doesn't naturally want to play along. I mean, it stops being fun if you have to make him play. If one way doesn't work, try different approaches of showing him your attraction to him until you find one that works out well. Have fun with it.
looseseal looseseal 5 years
Flirting with someone you're already deeply intimate with is like trying to put on socks when you're already wearing socks and shoes.The word "flirt" implies it's done with someone you don't really know. Oblique little signals of interest because it's too soon for declarations of love.You don't have to be vague about your interest in him anymore, your relationship is beyond that now, that might be why the flirting weirds him out.Of course, I don't know how exactly you two flirt with people. There are a lot of different possibilities. There's no reason why you can't still be playful with each other. But now you can be playful in ways that are much more intimate. Ways that you reserve for each other. No need to act like strangers unless that's part of the game, though that game would be kind of awkward if he doesn't naturally want to play along. I mean, it stops being fun if you have to make him play. If one way doesn't work, try different approaches of showing him your attraction to him until you find one that works out well. Have fun with it.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
A lot of couples complain when that initial fun flirtiness wears off, but relationships mature and I wish couples could be more happy about the changes they go through. Sure, that first month or so when you can't eat, sleep, or see anything wrong with the world is really fun, but it would be exhausting to stay in that mindframe forever. Embrace what you've evolved into. The comfort, the caring, more honest communication, etc. That's just as good, if not better, than the honeymoon phase.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
A lot of couples complain when that initial fun flirtiness wears off, but relationships mature and I wish couples could be more happy about the changes they go through.Sure, that first month or so when you can't eat, sleep, or see anything wrong with the world is really fun, but it would be exhausting to stay in that mindframe forever. Embrace what you've evolved into. The comfort, the caring, more honest communication, etc. That's just as good, if not better, than the honeymoon phase.
GTCB GTCB 5 years
So uh, yeah, you're both maturing with the relationship. This happens to everyone. Good luck with the wedding.
KadBunny KadBunny 5 years
:( I hear you. I sort of have the same problem. He's not flirtatious by nature anyway so I can imagine how it must be harder for you, but when I try to flirt with my guy he laughs it off like I was kidding or looks at me like I'm crazy too. I've talked to him about it of course. I casually brought it up one day and was like "I miss flirting with you! But you always think I'm joking," and he says "I'm not joking either!" Yeahh I can tell when you basically LOL at my attempts. :P Sigh. So no luck here yet~ but don't be afraid to bring it up with him lightly. :) I don't know why it should be weirding him out! You love him, you find him hot, so flirt!
KadBunny KadBunny 5 years
:( I hear you. I sort of have the same problem. He's not flirtatious by nature anyway so I can imagine how it must be harder for you, but when I try to flirt with my guy he laughs it off like I was kidding or looks at me like I'm crazy too. I've talked to him about it of course. I casually brought it up one day and was like "I miss flirting with you! But you always think I'm joking," and he says "I'm not joking either!" Yeahh I can tell when you basically LOL at my attempts. :P Sigh. So no luck here yet~ but don't be afraid to bring it up with him lightly. :) I don't know why it should be weirding him out! You love him, you find him hot, so flirt!
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