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Found Out My Boyfriend Is Cheating

"Should I Call Him Out For Cheating Before the Holidays?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. We live together and we've always gotten along well. We're nice to each other, and we've always wanted to open a business together in the future. I get on very well with his family, too. Sometimes we've had arguments like couples do, but nothing serious. About two months ago, he went home for two weeks — to another country — and after he came back, he was a different person. Ever since then, he's been pushing me away, making mean comments, and we've only had sex once. Since he came back, he's said that we've become more like friends and said that maybe we shouldn't have any sex for now. I waited for a couple weeks, then asked him why this was happening all of a sudden. He said it was because of work stress and his dad's illness, then told me he's going home for another three weeks over the holidays to spend time with his father. I gave him space as much as I could, I wouldn't disturb him when he came home from work, and we barely spoke, but still he tried to pick fights.

About two weeks after he came back, he said he needed to go away to clear his head, so I said okay, and he left for the weekend without saying where he was going. When I asked him, he said he didn't know himself. I was reading all sorts of literature on relationships and I felt so lonely, but I kept remembering all the great times we've had together. When he returned, he said we should take a break in our relationship and decide what will happen after he returns from his trip home. The day after that, I found a receipt from a hotel for two people, which had been booked a week before he went away for the weekend. In other words, he lied about not knowing where he was going. There was also a bill for a restaurant and one for flowers. I was so shocked, but decided not to tell him anything because I wanted to calm down first. Yesterday, I went to download some music so I grabbed his iPod. On it, I found photos of him with another girl from that trip, and they were hugging. There was also a note basically saying that he's dreaming about her and he'll always be hers.

I was shaking, I still am. He's never said anything like that to me, nevermind giving me flowers or hotel trips. I'm so disappointed in him. He was the last person I thought would backstab me like this because he's been cheated on and dumped for somebody else. I feel so hurt and I don't understand how somebody could be so heartless. I always try to be open about any issue in our relationship, but I don't know what to do. I don't want revenge, but I want him to feel the responsibility for his actions. I don't know if I should tell him I know about it by leaving a photo of them on his nightstand? I'm going away to visit my family for Christmas, but I'm worried that if I don't let him know about all of this, I'll spend another three miserable weeks upset and then get dumped by him when he gets back. What should I do?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously in Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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henna-red henna-red 3 years
Hmmm, lost my post here. Girl, the thing I want to say to you is that it's time for you to stop letting your boyfriend decide what your life will be. It's time for you to start making those decisions for yourself. It's time to be proactive, to put yourself first in your life, and choose what is best for you. This man is cheating and lying and yet you wait for him to decide what you will do, what will happen to you in your life. Stop. Choose for yourself. The other thing I want to say is go get tested. See your gyno, or a health care professional, one of the anonymous clinics, and get tested, now. This man is cheating and lying and you cannot depend on him for your sexual health and safety. You are going to have to depend on yourself for that also, and realize that if he's lying about his sexual activities, then there is no guarentee that he is being safe, or will ever tell you the truth about having safe sex with another. Don't take his word for any of that.....and get tested. I'm sorry that you're looking at a holiday breakup....that sucks! It's a crappy time of year for it. But it's a great time of year for you to stand up for yourself, to start relying on yourself, and to start making your own choices about your life instead of abdicating that responsibility to someone else, who does not treat you right. Good luck, girl. Be well
henna-red henna-red 3 years
You have some great advice here. I just want to say that it's time for you to start being proactive about your life, instead of waiting for someone else to decide what happens. You can't control his actions, you can't make him cleave to you and work on this relationship, and he is actively lying and cheating on you. And still you're waiting for him to let you know what's going to happen in your own life. Stop. Also, I want to say that you need to get yourself to your gyno/health care professional or the anonymous clinic, and get yourself tested. He's lying and cheating....that means you can't rely on him for your sexual health and safety.....go get tested! Immediately. Again, be proactive, and take the steps YOU need to take to be ok. luck and love to you, sweetie. This is a crap time of year for a breakup, but, it's a great time of year for you to stand up for yourself, and to start putting yourself first.
iti1991 iti1991 3 years
feeling so sorry for you.......but you should confront him.It is true nothing you can say will bother people like him but he will be paid back in his own coin,someday, somewhere.I agree with the posts that you should be practical and tight on those financial issues right now.Particularly if the apartment is yours,hoot him out.
GTCB GTCB 3 years
There's never a good time to break up with someone. It's just something that has to be done, for YOUR sake, regardless of the timing or circumstances.
melissajayne melissajayne 3 years
Don't give him any notice and when you see him tell him exactly what you know! All that advice is perfect, he doesn't deserve to get the feeling that he ended the relationship on his terms. Tell him it's truly over and have an incredible Christmas with your family. :)
Donna-Freundt Donna-Freundt 3 years
I am so sorry to hear that you are in this situation. Some people can be incredibly cruel and what he has done is really wrong and terrible. - I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I think you should tell him what you know and that the relationship is over. You don't want to wait around for him to do the breaking up with you. Don't even hesitate. They can both go live their pityful lives together, and after all this is over and done with, you will find someone far better who really does love you and wants to be in a honest and loving relationship with you. Good luck darling. Hope you are ok. P.S you've got some great advice above there.
missmaryb missmaryb 3 years
Great advice above. I'm sorry you had to find out such a terrible thing about him. As for confronting him, I absolutely think you should. Why allow him to have a nice Christmas? I wouldn't leave the photo out when you're not around because that would give him time to think of a response. Blindside him like he blindsided you. Since you are already taking a break, tell him it needs to be permanent, get him out of the apartment and let him go live out his life like the douchebag that he is. Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 3 years
I think that you guys are not officially together now (on a break, remember?) and most likely, he'll be spending his holidays with his new gf. What you need to do is the practical stuff, figure out if you want to stay in the place you're in or move out. If it's his dwelling, then I really suggest you give him a 30 day notice and move out (easier said than done, I know, sweetie), if it's 50-50 rights-wise, both names on the lease, etc, then you can ask him to move out or start packing after he got back from holiday and get yourself a new roommate, etc. You can let him know about you knowing and that you don't expect him to reconnect with you so you guys need to figure out your living arrangement and if you guys accumulate debt together during this year, you need to make arrangement, put it in writing and have it notarized about how you guys are going to pay for it. If he owes you money, put things in writing and get it notarized. All my advice for you is really really the practical one. I know you're sad and hurting, but it's not your fault that you're blindsided, give yourself time to grieve then time to heal. Good luck and I hope you well.
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