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Friend With Benefits Harassing Me

Group Therapy: My Ex Friend With Benefits Is Harassing Me

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!


He no longer understands that I don't want to continue this relationship with him. I am currently looking for more in my life and I no longer desire to have this go around with him anymore. He begs me constantly for sex and tells me that we are exclusive over and over again. He sends me text messages on a daily basis begging me for sex, blowjobs or pictures.

I have tried everything from ignoring him, reasoning with him, blocking him and even changing my number. I have had guys pretend to be my boyfriend and threaten to beat him up and he still persists. He has gone as far as to say he will never say no to me when it comes to sex and even if I am married, he will still have sex with me. He is manipulative and works in the military and always finds me regardless of my methods!! I don't feel personally threatened, but he used to verbally and emotionally abuse me and he was my fwb for over four years. I just can't take it anymore.

Every time I leave, he asks me for one more session and he promises to leave me alone, but then he doesn't so I have finished with the sessions and wish for him to leave me alone.

I don't know what the heck to do anymore.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 4 years
Bubbles, I have a feeling you're trying to prove me wrong in some way with those statistics, but I feel like you've only further proven my point. I never said ROs were useless in all situations. Obviously, "half" the time they work as planned- those are the times when the stalker is more of an annoyance than a danger. Then "most" of the half that are harassed after the RO is in place experience less harassment. You completely leave out the women who aren't part of that "half" or "most;" the exact group I'm talking about. If you look at page 107 of the PDF attached to the link you provided, you'll see that 2% of women who file for an RO are raped afterward by their stalker, 10% experienced severe physical abuse, and 15% experienced moderate physical abuse. Fortunately, within this sample group of 200, there were no deaths. I also think it's important to point out how deadly this mindset can be: "Subjectively, women appreciate the protective order and believe it to be effective..." If a woman is in a truly dangerous situation, a false sense of safety might cause her to overlook warning signs that could save her life. I would also like to touch on the subject of reliability of sources. My sources does not once broach the subject of cost effectiveness, and focuses only on safety. Yours focuses on both, and concludes that ROs are least effective in stalking cases. Your study was funded by DOJ, my source served on the DOJ. Listen, my point is: I see a lot of people saying, "If you truly think he's violent, get an RO." That is a piece of advice that could quite literally get her murdered. So I would encourage all of you to think twice about the dangers of an RO before suggesting one, and also read that book if you have time. It's the one of the most frightening and enlightening books I've ever read in my life.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
Restraining or protective orders statistically help out most people, see below. Each stalked woman has to talk with experts in her area and assess that particular situation and stalker for the best plan. Best of luck to you Anonymous. There are probably a lot of other women on this site that are thankful you're bringing this up, it's way too common. Protective Orders Increase Safety http://uknow.uky.edu/content/protective-orders-increase-safety-decrease-costs The study, funded by the National Institute of Justice, is the most comprehensive evaluation of protective orders in the nation. Led by TK Logan, UK professor of Behavioral Science, in collaboration with Robert Walker, William Hoyt, and Teri Faragher, the study examined partner violence in rural and urban settings 6 months before a protective order was obtained and at 3 months and 6 months afterward. More than 200 victims were included in the study, with a follow-up rate of 99 percent. Chief among the study's findings: • Half of all victims experienced no protective-order violations, regardless of community context (rural vs. urban). • Of those who did experience violations, significant reductions were noted in overall abuse, fear of future harm, distress due to abuse, as well as reduced societal and personal costs. • Stalking before the protective order was obtained was significantly associated with protective-order violations, regardless of community context. • Subjectively, women appreciate the protective order and believe it to be effective, regardless of community context. The study did observe significant differences between rural and urban areas with regard to the victims' experiences with the protective order process. Namely, rural women experience more barriers to obtaining protective orders, less relief from the fear and abuse over time, and weaker enforcement of the orders. In addition, victim quality-of-life costs were higher and justice-system expenditures were lower in rural areas compared to the urban area during the follow up period.
Mandana85 Mandana85 4 years
I totally agree with Betty Wayne. Totally.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 4 years
File a police report.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 4 years
And I'm not just pulling this out of my ass, in case anyone is wondering! I would highly suggest you all read a book called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. He's a criminologist with an impressive resume (to say the least). The book is about predicting violence and keeping yourself safe. Getting a RO is pretty standard go-to advice if someone is getting harassed, when in reality the cops have found many women murdered by their stalkers- with a copy of their brand new restraining order in their purse.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 4 years
Listen- if you truly believe he is mentally unstable enough to harm you- DO NOT GET A RESTRAINING ORDER. DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT GET A RESTRAINING ORDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A restraining order can be the tipping point between turning a stalker into a murderer. It can make them realize their 'goal' is ultimately unattainable, and they have nothing to lose by harming you. A restraining order is NOTHING BUT A PIECE OF PAPER. Seriously, do you think some crappy piece of paper will protect you when he's smashing your skull in with a brick? Not to scare you, just being realistic. If you're not 100% sure in your heart that he will obey a RO, don't get one. Just filing a report- not pressing charges- might be a good way to test the waters. If he leaves you alone, good! If not, you'll know you have a more serious problem on your hands, and at least he won't have a RO against him to further fuel his anger.
dreamalittledream dreamalittledream 4 years
I would contact the police directly. See if they can file a restraining order or ask what documents/proof you need to legally accuse him of stalking you. I know it varies in different states, but proving someone is stalking/harassing you can be difficult. You should keep a journal of when he contacts you, the date, phone/email/text/in person, and what he says. This way, you can show the police proof. I would also skip telling him beforehand and just go to the authorities.
testadura67 testadura67 4 years
I'd skip threatening him with a restraining order and go straight to the police and file one. So many women find themselves hurt, raped, killed because they were too busy being considerate of the very person who is putting them in danger. What if he loses his job? Well he should've thought about that before he verbally and emotionally abused you during your fwb relationship, then escalated to harassing and stalking you. This may also be a good time to get pepper spray or a handgun for the home. Just make sure you proficiently learn how to use whatever protection you get. This guy is displaying textbook warning signs of abusive behavior that often precedes assault. You need to protect yourself.
BorgesMarquez BorgesMarquez 4 years
Just reading this makes me feel scared for you. He should respect your decision to leave this situation because you want more from a relationship. Please be careful and I also agree with the others regarding a restraining order. Tell him that you plan to do that if he does not stop and give him a chance. If he doesn't, go to the police and file an order.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
Bottomline: He is showing signs of being mentally ill and/or having a personality disorder like being a sociopath and you can't control him on our own. You need a restraining order on this guy and bring the law in. And you also need to contact a violence against woman center to get some good advice, I don't think you recognize how dangerous this situation can be without warning. You need to do everything possible to protect yourself right away.
lcrox07 lcrox07 4 years
Aaah yes. Mn48225 hit the nail on the head. He is in the military, and he will be FUCKED if legal action is done. You don't have to do it, but just mention it. Threatening him with other little boyfriends will not scare him, he is in the military and that changes EVERYTHING. His demeanor, his confidence in defending himself, personality, everything. But one thing that will get him is this legal action idea. He sounds like a pain in the ass, I'm annoyed for you. Good luck!
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 4 years
What a psycho, and he's in the military? Wow, this is the last guy who needs a gun. Do you honestly think he'll leave you alone if you go to the police? If so, just file a report and ask an officer to call him and tell him to leave you alone. That way, there's a record of what happened, but no charges are filed that will harm his military career. He sounds like he's nothing but talk- I don't want to tell you you're safe and then have him harm you- it really sounds like he gets off on harassing you, but wouldn't likely take action. If you say you're not physically afraid of him, I'll trust your judgement. By pretending to have your boyfriend step in, all you're doing is exciting him more. The rule is, if a stalker calls you 30 times, and then you or your 'boyfriend' tell him to stop calling, all you're doing is teaching him that if he wants a reaction, he has to call 30 times. IGNORE HIM and ignore him and ignore him. Even if he calls 30 times in a day, or 30 days in a row, ignore him. He's built up quite an emotional investment in you and won't let go of that quickly, but if you quit giving him the reaction he wants, he'll move on to someone who will eventually. For your own personal safety though, remember there is a phase of escalation before a stalker turns violent. If his behavior starts changing or he gets more reckless, don't be afraid to ask again here for advice.
mnp mnp 4 years
I wouldn't have gone as to have have guys pretend to be your boyfriend to threaten him because it could have placed your friend in a bad situation. What if your former fwb decided to beat him up instead? // This is definitely harassment. If you want to be considerate of his military career, you should tell him to cut it out otherwise, you'd have to take legal action. And then, I would file a restraining order. // And, don't have sex with him anymore. He is lying to you to when he promises that he only wants one last time.
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