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Friend and Fiance Don't Get Along

Group Therapy: Friend Is Trying to Come Between Me and My Fiancé

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I recently got engaged to my longtime boyfriend. We have been together for 5 years now more or less. The problem here is that we have a mutual female friend who has started acting really strange since my engagement. The day I told her I got engaged, she told me he was better looking than I was. Recently she has started making up false stories and tells them to each of us separately. For example, my fiancé and I decided to get married in December and she recently told him that I do not intend to get married in December and am only agreeing to it because he is pressuring me. On the other hand, she told me that he has issues with December because his brother won't be able to attend. Other than that, she constantly mentions that she called my fiancé and then goes on to tell me random things they talked about. She also acts like she knows him better and tries to give me advice about how to deal with him. She calls him three, maybe four times a day and whenever something is wrong, even if he has a slight fever, she comes over and tries to take control. It is irksome.

The lies she is telling are not creating any issues with me and my guy because we generally discuss everything that goes on and have made a silent pact now to never believe what she tells either one of us. But what disturbs me is that she is getting into my personal space, yesterday I caught her going through my phone.

I try not to confront her because she gets hurt easily and I have a temper I am not very proud of, which I try to keep in control as much as possible. But now I am at a point where her constant interference is getting on my nerves. My fiancé is of the opinion that he or I should directly confront her. Would that make her stop? I have tried telling her that I like my personal space to myself but she pays no heed. What should I do?

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danakscully64 danakscully64 5 years
I agree with Betty and Searching Soul! She is either super jealous of you two being engaged or she has a thing for your man.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 5 years
Why are you friends with this person. Her behavior is pretty crazy. Cut her out of your life. She is not a real friend.
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
when she comments to you or him you should each say "yeah, he/she and i talked about that. we've got it covered". repeat. only that. and look at her like you have no interest in what she's saying. after about a 100 times you can each ad "you know, when you find your forever partner you have a special language with each other, a special communication that you only share with each other. hopefully one day you'll see for yourself. i know its hard for you to understand; because you obviously arent there. but he/she and i (sigh blissfully) have it all worked out". she'll get tired f you pointing out the fact that she is alone and eventually won't want to hear it. right now she isn't suffering any consequences for her behavior; so fix that.
searching-soul searching-soul 5 years
Also I bet she puts on the waterworks when you two say you are cutting her loose...about how she's been through such and such and she did'nt mean any harm. Please don't fall for it. She sounds extremely conniving and somewhat unstable. Protect your relationship with your fiance and cut her loose. Please
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
I agree with Betty Wayne. Cut that temper loose. Just don't hit. But feel free to yell and cuss. She needs a clear and unpleasant message that she's stepped across the line and she needs to check her behavior immediately. And no, she isn't a friend. She's an enemy pretending to be your friend. You owe her no help whatsoever in undermining you or ruining your relationship.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
I agree with Betty Wayne. Cut that temper loose. Just don't hit. But feel free to yell and cuss. She needs a clear and unpleasant message that she's stepped across the line and she needs to check her behavior immediately.And no, she isn't a friend. She's an enemy pretending to be your friend. You owe her no help whatsoever in undermining you or ruining your relationship.
searching-soul searching-soul 5 years
I agree with AlleyKat 1000%. This is a disaster waiting to happen and she's taking advantage of your kind nature ...why flirt with danger?
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
At least your fiance and you are on the same page. She sounds Koo Koo for Coco Puffs. Is there any way to cut her out of your life?
AlleyKkat AlleyKkat 5 years
I love this site and Ive never posted a comment before, but I read this article and HAD to post. I truly hope you consider my advice..First of all, she's not your friend. By any stretch of the imagination. She clearly does not care one ounce about you and the fact that she is telling lies to both you and your man AND calling you to rub her conversations with him in your face, means she is getting bold.My honest advice. Lose her. Do you not have enough enemies in life that you're keeping this one around? I dont care how long you've known or what you've been thru with this girl, she is going to be a cancer in your relationship. You say you are fine with it now because you and your man talk about everything and are confident in your relationship, great. But feelings change, people have bad days, and relationships have valleys and peaks. And if there's ever a day when your man's self esteem is low or he's upset at you, guess who's going to be waiting in the shadows? Your "friend."Be frank with her. Call her out on her shadiness. Tell her you know exactly what she's been doing and that neither you or your fiance are going to tolerate it. Relationships and marriages are hard enough, the last thing you need is some triflin heffa trying to mess up your good thing!
AlleyKkat AlleyKkat 5 years
I love this site and Ive never posted a comment before, but I read this article and HAD to post. I truly hope you consider my advice.. First of all, she's not your friend. By any stretch of the imagination. She clearly does not care one ounce about you and the fact that she is telling lies to both you and your man AND calling you to rub her conversations with him in your face, means she is getting bold. My honest advice. Lose her. Do you not have enough enemies in life that you're keeping this one around? I dont care how long you've known or what you've been thru with this girl, she is going to be a cancer in your relationship. You say you are fine with it now because you and your man talk about everything and are confident in your relationship, great. But feelings change, people have bad days, and relationships have valleys and peaks. And if there's ever a day when your man's self esteem is low or he's upset at you, guess who's going to be waiting in the shadows? Your "friend." Be frank with her. Call her out on her shadiness. Tell her you know exactly what she's been doing and that neither you or your fiance are going to tolerate it. Relationships and marriages are hard enough, the last thing you need is some triflin heffa trying to mess up your good thing!
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 5 years
At first, I was in agreement with the comments that said that you should approach your friend as a couple, but now that I think about it, there are a lot of benefits to speaking wth your friend as a female first, before resorting to lettting your fiance into the battle. For one, you're both clearly after the same guy. Whether or not she'll admit it is up to her, but it sounds pretty clear that that's what's going on right now. Keeping your fiance out of the picture lets her know that no matter how she feels about your fiance, that you respect her feelings, and aren't going to tag team on her if need be. Two against one gives her teh opportunity to get even more angry and frustrated with you two, and if that can be avoided, then all the better. Let her know that you'd like to sit down for coffee sometime in that week, and have a chat with her. When you get to that point, mention to her what it is that is bothering you. Tell her that the way she is trying to sandwich herself in between you and your fiance is not appropriate, and that you and your fiance both know she is lying to you two. Do your best to keep your temper and be nurturing to her; you don't know exactly why she's doing what she's doing, and until you find out why there's no reason to be raising your voice. (as annoying as she sounds.)Now, for some weird reason, I have a feeling that there's a chance she might flake on you if you ask her to sit down for coffee (ie. she might be catching on) so if that's the case, catch her when she calls your fiance. Pick up his phone instead, and be straight forward with her. The important part is that she understands what she is doing is not right. At the end of the day, it's your decision whether or not you want her in your lives or not, because only you and your fiance really know how severe this situation is for you two.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 5 years
At first, I was in agreement with the comments that said that you should approach your friend as a couple, but now that I think about it, there are a lot of benefits to speaking wth your friend as a female first, before resorting to lettting your fiance into the battle. For one, you're both clearly after the same guy. Whether or not she'll admit it is up to her, but it sounds pretty clear that that's what's going on right now. Keeping your fiance out of the picture lets her know that no matter how she feels about your fiance, that you respect her feelings, and aren't going to tag team on her if need be. Two against one gives her teh opportunity to get even more angry and frustrated with you two, and if that can be avoided, then all the better. Let her know that you'd like to sit down for coffee sometime in that week, and have a chat with her. When you get to that point, mention to her what it is that is bothering you. Tell her that the way she is trying to sandwich herself in between you and your fiance is not appropriate, and that you and your fiance both know she is lying to you two. Do your best to keep your temper and be nurturing to her; you don't know exactly why she's doing what she's doing, and until you find out why there's no reason to be raising your voice. (as annoying as she sounds.) Now, for some weird reason, I have a feeling that there's a chance she might flake on you if you ask her to sit down for coffee (ie. she might be catching on) so if that's the case, catch her when she calls your fiance. Pick up his phone instead, and be straight forward with her. The important part is that she understands what she is doing is not right. At the end of the day, it's your decision whether or not you want her in your lives or not, because only you and your fiance really know how severe this situation is for you two.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 5 years
Sounds like she's in love with your fiance. I think it's up to you as a woman to confront her about it, to tell her that you and your fiance know that she's been lying to the two of you and that her invasion of your privacy is not okay. You need to let her know that if she continues this behavior then you will have to cut her out of your lives, which I'm sure is not what she wants. And tell her to stop calling him so much, as it makes it seem like she's trying to get in between the two of you. Maybe having your temper show would not be a bad thing, she needs to realize how wrong she is. If she can't understand that her behavior is wrong then just say goodbye, but you and your fiance have to do it together.
Rjs-baby-girl Rjs-baby-girl 5 years
I don't understand how you and your fiance can put up with that immature behaviour of hers. You guys should talk to her together (so she knows that her lies didn't affect you as a couple) and tell her to stop or you'll just stop hanging out with her. She has to respect your privacy and your relationship. She does seem to like your fiancé a lot, so personally I would just cut her out of my life, but if you still want her as a friend talk to her first. Then if she doesn't change don't feel guitly about simply cutting all contacts.
kimberdoll kimberdoll 5 years
She is a toxic person; you and your fiance should remove her from your lives.
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
@missmaryb is right on point.
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
@missmaryb is right on point.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
Going through your phone? Trying to stir up fights between you and the fiance? And he's in favor of confronting her? You say you have a temper... now is the time to use it. Either she will respect your wishes, or you'll have one less rude wedding guest. Sounds like a win-win situation to me.
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
My gut tells me she's jealous of you and probably has a thing for your fiance. You may just have to risk hurting her feelings and confront her. You and your fiance are not impacted by her at this point, but if she keeps on like this she may cause some real trouble for you. If you really like her in other ways, talk to her first in a non-threatening manner (easier said than done, I know) and see if you can get to the bottom of it. If she's unwilling to see your point of view or stop the lies and snooping, you should reconsider if she's a friend you really need in your life. Good luck.
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