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Friends With Benefits Advice

Group Therapy: Friends With Benefits Misery

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

For the last 5 years I have been friends with a former coworker . . . in the beginning we started spending a lot of time together (hanging out, movies, sporting events), but he had a girlfriend. They broke up, and we started a friends with benefits relationship, shortly after that things went sour between us and he started dating someone . . . since then we've stopped working together and have continued our arrangement. I have asked if he is still dating the previous girlfriend, and he insists that he isn't, but I don't quite believe him. 

Anyway, besides feeling guilty over being a possible participant in cheating, I just feel like I want to spend more time with him than he's willing to give (we no longer spend time hanging out, going to movies, etc.). I recently told him that I had to stop the sex portion of our relationship because I am going crazy trying to keep feelings and sex separate, but I am having a terrible time cutting him off completely because he's been such a big part of my life for the last 5 years. Any advice on how to get over the anxiety of losing a friend (but perhaps restoring my sanity) and end it completely?

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strangehunny strangehunny 5 years
it looks like you have moved from the friend with benefits category the moment you asked him about his prior girlfriend and then followed that with some hope he'd suddenly want more than a convenient piece of tail. Time to say goodbye and move on because you obviously want more than that.
strangehunny strangehunny 5 years
it looks like you have moved from the friend with benefits category the moment you asked him about his prior girlfriend and then followed that with some hope he'd suddenly want more than a convenient piece of tail. Time to say goodbye and move on because you obviously want more than that.
bubbadave bubbadave 5 years
Not sure, but I think you should talk to him about your feelings and your sexual activities. Sense it has been going on for 5 years, you two are involved in more than FWB.
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
whats with the "you wasted 5 years of your life" comments? wasted how? if she enjoyed it, got what she wanted out of it, it wasn't a waste. NEWS FLASH: most relationships don't last forever. if YOU think its time to move on, then do so. make a list of all the things you aren't happy with regarding this guy, and look at it every timw you feel like going back to him. forward, march. don't look back unless you plan on going there.
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
whats with the "you wasted 5 years of your life" comments? wasted how? if she enjoyed it, got what she wanted out of it, it wasn't a waste. NEWS FLASH: most relationships don't last forever. if YOU think its time to move on, then do so. make a list of all the things you aren't happy with regarding this guy, and look at it every timw you feel like going back to him.forward, march. don't look back unless you plan on going there.
GregS GregS 5 years
You asked him if he's still seeing that other woman and he said no. Why can't you take him at his word? If he had a ring on his finger, I'd say step away, but you have to trust someone some of the time. So it's back to you. Why don't you trust him? How were you cheating with him on her if you were just going to events? You didn't add the benes until after they broke up. I think you're entirely too hard on yourself here. And on him.
GregS GregS 5 years
You asked him if he's still seeing that other woman and he said no. Why can't you take him at his word? If he had a ring on his finger, I'd say step away, but you have to trust someone some of the time. So it's back to you. Why don't you trust him? How were you cheating with him on her if you were just going to events? You didn't add the benes until after they broke up.I think you're entirely too hard on yourself here. And on him.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
FWB's are really the banal side of relationships. They are common, cliche, dreary, tired, boring and overused. They are pedestrian. You sit at McDonalds for five years while your friends, your coworkers and the world around gets taken out for dinner in Paris. You need to understand the difference. Too bad about the wasted time. Five years you'll never get back. Ever.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 5 years
You want to date someone who cheats on his girlfriends? What makes you think you'd be any different? He's had 5 years to ask you out. And he hasn't. Not once. Give up and move on to another guy who will actually date you.
searching-soul searching-soul 5 years
Jazzy Tummy hit the nail on the head. A good friend of mine went through this. The dynamic of this relationship will never change. He does not like you enough to make you into a girlfriend. Also with the way that he's treated you and the lack of respect he's shown for his other girlfriends, why would you want to be that anyway? Use some of Joe's suggestions and move on...unless you want to waste another five years.
EvieJ EvieJ 5 years
Ask him to do things outside the bedroom, like movies and sporting events that you did in the past. If he says no, then he only wants to see you in the bedroom, and is not a friend. If this is the case, cut him loose - unless you're okay with being used and, as jazzytummy so eloquently put it, his back burner fuck buddy...because it sounds like that's all you are.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Stop getting together in private. Consider it location management rather than relationship management. Coffee at a cafe, cool. Going back to his place, no. Confronted with zero possibilities for hanky panky, he will either switch into friend mode (or very very very very very very very very very unlikely, romantic mode), or he'll become uninterested in getting together.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Stop getting together in private. Consider it location management rather than relationship management. Coffee at a cafe, cool. Going back to his place, no. Confronted with zero possibilities for hanky panky, he will either switch into friend mode (or very very very very very very very very very unlikely, romantic mode), or he'll become uninterested in getting together.
nbnb nbnb 5 years
Cut him out completely. Deleted his # from your phone, don't email him or hang out with him. Get a hobby, join a club and start making new friends, reconnect with old friends, start working out, anything to keep yourself busy, it will help, but ultimately it just takes time... Sometimes it helps to focus on how much they have hurt you, it sounds like this guy has treated you really poorly, so it shouldn't be too hard. Any time you miss him, remind yourself that he's a jerk and you are better off without him and then do something to get your mind off it.
nbnb nbnb 5 years
Cut him out completely. Deleted his # from your phone, don't email him or hang out with him.Get a hobby, join a club and start making new friends, reconnect with old friends, start working out, anything to keep yourself busy, it will help, but ultimately it just takes time...Sometimes it helps to focus on how much they have hurt you, it sounds like this guy has treated you really poorly, so it shouldn't be too hard. Any time you miss him, remind yourself that he's a jerk and you are better off without him and then do something to get your mind off it.
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
@jazzytummy is right on the mark. How can you expect more out of him than he is giving the other girlfriends in his life? And it takes two to tango, so, you are a part of his lifestyle, just not a part he's willing to give the meaningless title of girlfriend.
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
@jazzytummy is right on the mark.How can you expect more out of him than he is giving the other girlfriends in his life? And it takes two to tango, so, you are a part of his lifestyle, just not a part he's willing to give the meaningless title of girlfriend.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
"I recently told him that I had to stop the sex portion of our relationship...." Ummm, excuse me, but sex is the ONLY part of your "relationship". You admitted yourself that he is dating other women while still screwing you, and that you know longer go to movies, hang out, or do anything outside of sex. To him, you are basically his back burner fuck doll at this point. If he wanted to date you, he would have done it by now. And I don't buy that you "feel guilty" about his cheating with you....if you have so little regard for how he treats you, why would you care how he treats another woman who he is dating, who I am sure has no idea about you? Sorry to be harsh, but I think in general these friends with benefits trysts are such bullshit... lines are blurred, someone ends up wanting more, then he/she feels betrayed when the feelings change, even though that is not what was agreed to in the first place. You've wasted five years of your life on this guy who obviously will never date you...how much longer are you going to go on? You really need to pull your head out. It's these kind of relationships that help create these insensitive asshole men who truly believe it's ok to use women as sperm receptacles, and it pisses me off.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
"I recently told him that I had to stop the sex portion of our relationship...."Ummm, excuse me, but sex is the ONLY part of your "relationship". You admitted yourself that he is dating other women while still screwing you, and that you know longer go to movies, hang out, or do anything outside of sex. To him, you are basically his back burner fuck doll at this point. If he wanted to date you, he would have done it by now. And I don't buy that you "feel guilty" about his cheating with you....if you have so little regard for how he treats you, why would you care how he treats another woman who he is dating, who I am sure has no idea about you?Sorry to be harsh, but I think in general these friends with benefits trysts are such bullshit... lines are blurred, someone ends up wanting more, then he/she feels betrayed when the feelings change, even though that is not what was agreed to in the first place.You've wasted five years of your life on this guy who obviously will never date you...how much longer are you going to go on? You really need to pull your head out. It's these kind of relationships that help create these insensitive asshole men who truly believe it's ok to use women as sperm receptacles, and it pisses me off.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
First, you have to write The Letter. Please do not hesitate to ask us for help in writing the letter. Anyone here on this forum would be more than willing to help. (I have some generic letters you can modify for your situation.) Second, you must find and use some techniques to help you get through this. PM me, and I'll send you a link to some ideas.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
First, you have to write The Letter. Please do not hesitate to ask us for help in writing the letter. Anyone here on this forum would be more than willing to help. (I have some generic letters you can modify for your situation.)Second, you must find and use some techniques to help you get through this. PM me, and I'll send you a link to some ideas.
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