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From Girlfriend to Friends With Benefits

"I Got Downgraded to Friends With Benefits"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!


My ex downgraded our relationship severely from bf/gf to dating to friends with benefits, and because I was so busy with grad school, I allowed it (and yes, there's my low self-esteem). I am now done with grad school, and he still wants to be FWB . . . But now he wants to be FWB that don't hang out or talk. He said the only thing we should talk about is where, when, and at what time.

He told me he will give me time to think about it, but I already know my answer. I don't exactly know how to tell him that I don't want this. He doesn't read my messages, and I want him to get the hint without me being bothered.

Any help would be appreciated.

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Donna-Freundt Donna-Freundt 4 years
Wartface are you kidding yourself?. Teens are having BABIES at 16!. Like Henna said I would start having these kind of talks with your daughter as soon as she hits puberty!. Don't delay it!!!!. It's VERY important to teach her young. She needs to have it drummed into her head what boys will be like. O.P, sweetie I see this post was from a while ago, I hope that you have told this guy to bugger off and that you are not talking to him anymore. This guy is nothing but horrible to you, and doesn't deserve any girls in his life. You deserve better. :-)
henna-red henna-red 4 years
Dear Wartface, just as an FYI, the average age for teenagers to start participating sexually is now 13. 13. Particularly oral sex. Don't wait for 16 to have that talk. A strong, active, attentive, involved father is one of the MOST important things for a young girl and woman to have to develop great self esteem. Sexual peer pressure starts unbelievably early now! Don't wait until it's too late.
Wartface Wartface 4 years
I am a man. In my younger days I prided myself on being able to pickup really hot and intelligent women that other guys were intimidated by. Back then it was just a game that was about sex and understanding women in general. I found that if you made them feel special and you told them that you really cared for them... Then they would be more willing to receive your sexual advances more favorably. Yes... I lied. Yes... I was very disrespectful. Yes... I hurt women just to get what II wanted. To me it was just another conquest that made my male ego feel good. I got older and settled down as most men eventually do. I had kids and my daughter is of the age that we have been talking about how she... Should act around boys. I have not yet given her enough information about how to protect herself from men like me, she is too young yet. That day will come when she is 16. Sooner if I see her falling prey to boys with a boner. What you have to know is... You were played. Just like I used to us women. My suggestion to you is to woman up! Realize that you have value other than your sexual beauty. Never give that to another man easily. You are a big girl now. You are out of grad school and you are in a much better position than the vast majority of women in the country. With your education you can become financially independent on your own. Most women don't ever achieve that independence. I would work hard on your self esteem issues even if it taks some professional counseling. Once you have the feeling that you are strong and in charge of your life... Then is the time to find a strong man that values you as a desirable life partner. Don't give in to his sexual needs and desires to early. If he has to wait he won't like it but... He will. I am not telling you to become asexual during this transformation. You may need a FWB in the meantime... Just not this guy! You need someone you picked for that function and it probably ought to be a younger guy that you can be honest with and just tell him you need someone you can just call when you need him. You will find that most younger guys will be very willing and not feel hurt at all. Don't date him. Don't introduce him to your friends. Don't make him part of your social structure. Like I said before... Most young guys will love being there for you and won't feel used or abused.
Cakanp Cakanp 4 years
First of all, he is an emotionally immature narcissistic ass. He has tapped in to your insecurity and used IT to use YOU. You are better off without him and I believe that you are in no way obliged to answer his question. I can understand that you might feel the need to tell him off, but people like that only care for themselves and it will make no difference. I think that the better way to do it is just to not answer and just cut him out of your life. That way you are still left with some dignity and he will get the message without you having to give him the recognition. I hope that you will read all these posts and understand your self worth. It is hard to say no when you feel insecure, not worthy and love someone(I've been there). But know that no one deserves to be treated with such disrespect. Good luck!
creativedesign creativedesign 4 years
You do not need to tell him to get lost....Show him! You do not need this man to validate you or bring closure. Lady you are good enough by just being you. Don't flatter him by telling him to get lost. He doesn't respect you enough to tell you that he isn't around for your friendship but ass....so why give him that?
henna-red henna-red 4 years
Message him. I don't believe that he doesn't read your messages, I believe that he probably doesn't respond to them, and that he uses that as a manipulative tool. Tell him, simply, it's done. Have a nice life, goodbye. No discussions, no conversations, no arguments. Block him completely, and make sure he knows he's not welcome to show up at your home. And if he does show up, don't answer the door, tell him to get lost, or you'll call the police. bluejay is right.....you don't need to do this in person, you owe him no special kind of consideration. You're greatest need is to be done with this guy, and have him totally out of your life, with the least amount of drama. And that means text or email. And then block him, no contact. good luck to you. stand up for yourself, and what you want.
bluejay17 bluejay17 4 years
You should tell him straight forward that you deserve better and that you don't want this kind of "arrangement". He needs to know that you're not there only to fulfill his needs, he is an arrogant idiot. If he is the kind of manipulative person, and if you have low self esteem then I suggest that you don't do this in person. You could call him or send him an email, because he might want to try to manipulate you and change your decision. Stick to what you chose. After this, block him from everything, don't believe anything that he says. You will feel so much better and empowered once you make this great decision. Good luck with it, you deserve so much better and not some prick that doesn't know what you're worth. Take care.
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