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Getting Over First Love

Group Therapy: Will I Ever Get Over My First Love?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My ex and I dated for more than six years and basically did everything together. He was basically my first in anything. But I felt I was the one making it work toward the end of that relationship. One night we both ended going to a party and he saw me with a guy friend and thought we kissed when we only hugged. The next day I sent him a message explaining what happened and all he did was say, "OK now you're on your own." Honestly, that hurt but instead of asking him back I just accepted his decision.

A week passed and rumors were going around about him flirting with a new girl who is now his current girlfriend and basically calling me the worst. I was so devastated, but I never showed it. Of course the feelings for him are still there, but I just don't know how to let go of those feelings. It's also been a couple of months that have passed, and according to his girlfriend I'm a fake, people dislike me, I'm a cheater and that maybe he never felt what love was really about. I never deserved that honestly. But I don't know if I'll ever forget him. Any advice?

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passion8 passion8 4 years
what i learned about getting over my 1st love is not when i am going to get over my 1st love, it is how am i going to get over my 1st love or what does getting over my 1st love look like? it is vitall for all people after a relationship or anything that may cause greif to identify and clarify intentions and motives! have you taken the time to get to know the new you the you after a relationship not reflecting on the you before or during the relationship? wish you best of luck and time heals all wounds :)
lickety-split lickety-split 4 years
6 years aren't gone in a couple of months. he's talking about you to his new gf? wtf is that? who wants a relationship about your bf's ex? that's messed up. you need to start something new just for YOU. a fashion blog, a new work out schedue, a part time job at a store you love. let your mind be filled up with that, FOR YOU.
GZO GZO 4 years
Totally normal. However, she sounds nasty, and--I wish it were so easy to say this to my friends--he sounds like a jerk. You need to make your life richer. Join some clubs, start some hobbies, keep yourself busy and you will see that, soon enough, you will not feel so crappy. Time heals all wounds. And hindsight is 20/20. (Sorry to be so cliched!) You'll eventually see that he was not the man for you, and that you've grown so much and are so much better off moving on in your own life. But for now, yes, it's still normal to feel awful. If you feel it's taking too long, though, consider seeing a therapist. I had to do that (I was in school so it was free), and eventually, talking it through, I realized that I never needed him and I certainly was a good enough person to spend my own time with. Honestly, I know you're not really supposed to focus on this, but what especially helped was thinking about how miserable he would make me. Everything was always about him, he'd get mad at me for the smallest things, I was always watching what I said or how I acted around him worried that something might set him off, he would get home from work at 1-2 am, knowing that I had class the next morning at 8:30 and keep me on the phone for an hour, and if I didn't want to talk to him it would be a huge personal insult... stuff like that. Of course, now I'm able to look back and realize that there was good stuff too, but focusing on the negative really did help me back then. Getting angry* really helped me get him out of my life. *By "getting angry", I don't mean go to his house and slash his tires and kidnap his girlfriend's cat or anything. "Getting angry" for me meant just getting the fuel needed to personally resolve to get over him once and for all.
Hunny6 Hunny6 4 years
Is it normal for me to feel like crap that he told his gf he loves her within a few months? Even though im trying my best to move on
GZO GZO 4 years
Agreed with Betty Wayne: "Honestly, judging by his crazy actions, it sounds like this break up might be a blessing in disguise." and atraditionalist: "I think he was looking for a way out but was too chicken sh*t to actually do it. So he "blames you"." Especially since you said that you were the one doing all the work towards the end. An "OK now you're on your own" text is not the way to properly end a six-year relationship, and allowing his current girlfriend to publicly talk sh*t about his ex girlfriend (even giving her "messages" to relay) shows how immature he is. Of course you will be sad and grieve for a while, but soon enough you'll be able to look back and hopefully say, "Thank goodness I got out of that one!" And you will also be able to take the knowledge and experience you gained in that relationship and use it and grow from it in your future relationships.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 4 years
I think he was looking for a way out but was to chicken sh*t to actually do it. So he "blames you". You will get over it I promise! It's tough but you did the right thing to not respond. Don't beat yourself up over the hug with your guy friend - he was looking for a reason to dump you - he would have found one eventually. Just keep being active. And tell his crazy new gf that you're not interested in hearing the reasons. Just stop her before she tells you (say: "I appreciate you taking an interest in (exbf) and my's past relationship but I'm getting tired of hearing all his reasons") - she's an insecure cow
pax4pax pax4pax 4 years
All good advice above. You will be fine. Accept your time of grief. You're entitled to it.
Hunny6 Hunny6 4 years
Thanks everyone for the great advice :)
lcrox07 lcrox07 4 years
You, you'll move on for sure. You won't ever forget him. Why would you? Shake off everything regarding his new girlfriend. You shouldn't even be having conversations with her much less about your past with him. Once a new beau comes into your life you're going to be like "who was that?" Trust me... you will get through it. Give it time. In the mean time, let you do you!
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 4 years
I am going to answer with a big, fat, unequivocal YYYEEESSS you will get over him in time. I've been in love three times and today, I have no feelings for any of them. I'm picturing their faces in my head now, trying to imagine their voices, and I just don't care. Memories pop up every once in a while, but they're no more hurtful or pleasant than trying to remember the names of all my grade school teachers. Honestly, judging by his crazy actions, it sounds like this break up might be a blessing in disguise. I'm amazed by how level headed and rational you sound. Either ignore his new crazygirl, or take Lucky's advice and mail him a letter, though I do think maybe email would be better, ONLY becasue you don't want him to think you actually care enough to sit down with pen paper envelope and stamp. Email is much more impersonal. As for moving on, work and exercise help. Cry when you need to, but don't isolate yourself, it only makes it worse. Dating can be scary when you haven't done it for 6 years, but it's fun. Once you've grieved (and yes, losing a LTR is cause for grieving) and you start feeling that nervous excitement whenever you're around an eligible bachelor, it's fun: new men, new conversations, new kissing, new sex. Just focus on you for now, and when the time is right to move on, you'll know.
mnp mnp 4 years
It'll get better in time, I promise. I know it seems tough right now but things do happen for a reason. I wouldn't dwell too much on your ex's gf. She is juvenile and insecure. I'm sure everyone knows that she is supplying the rumor mill so remember that if this guy cherished your relationship, he would have put a stop to this. // My first love ended similarly to yours and for the rest of my h.s. days, there was a lot of gossip about me. As an adult now, I don't think much of that ex. Your future relationships will be better as you get older and wiser. // Good luck, dear!
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 4 years
The fact that his new gf feels the need to relay all this "information" to you reflects her insecurities. She's trying to make herself feel better by making you feel bad. Regardless of whether or not she's telling truths, it's not her place to tell them. What you need to do is mail a letter (go the old-fashioned way, NOT email, since it's harder to ignore) to your ex-bf, telling him that you want absolutely no contact from either him or his new gf, that you two are done and will never get back together, and that his gf is completely out of line in telling you all these things you don't want to hear. Do not go into any mushy crap about your past relationship, your love for him, that you forgive him, etc. Keep it simple, professional and unemotional. I'll bet you his reaction will be shock and wonder, and will result in him either not giving a damn or becoming exceptionally clingy. Don't be surprised if he tries to get back together with you. But that's not what you want; you want someone better than him, someone you deserve. As for getting over him, you need to get off your butt and find things to do that you enjoy and find fulfilling. Make new friends, try new activities, pick up a sport or hobby, get a pet. There are many things you can do to keep your mind off of him. And anytime you get to thinking about him, remind yourself of the bad as well as the good. We tend to glorify the good parts of people when they're out of our lives; don't do that. Eventually, you'll find someone better, but don't be on a search for someone else. Work on yourself before you do that.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years
Hunny, Send me a PM and I'll send you some ideas.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
You don't need to understand. You don't need to focus on him. You need to focus on you, on your life, on the changes happening with you and on the changes that need to happen for you. You don't need to talk to her, you don't need to listen to her, you don't need to take messages from either of them. More contact from the ex or his girl will only hurt you and prevent you from focusing ahead, from focusing on now, on what you need to be happy and healthy. I remember being so sad when the sun came up the day after a breakup, because it meant I had to move, to do something besides cry and feel bad. I was starting a new job and that took a lot of focus. I had to pay attention to that, and put the breakup out of my mind. I couldn't do the job and think about hurting, so I thought about the job, and it helped. Everytime I thought about what i needed to do, and then worked to do it, it meant I wasn't thinking about the breakup. And eventually I got used to not thinking about it so much. The more you work at thinking about other things, the more you work at doing other things, the less time you have to think about the breakup, and eventually you get used to not thinking about it, and eventually, you meet other guys.........take good care.
Hunny6 Hunny6 4 years
Thanks alot missmaryb. I surely do appreciate your advice but I also forgot to state that he is the one referring me all of things & basically his gf is the messenger & that basically I deserved the breakup. I just don't understand how he managed to break up & find someone new.
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
You never forget your first love, but time really does heal. I'm many years past my first love now, but he still goes through my mind often. I've never seen him again since we broke up, so I often wonder where he ended up and how his life is. Of course I sometimes think about what could have been, too. But I don't dwell on thoughts of him, I shake myself out of it after a few minutes of day dreaming. In your case though, it's all fresh and raw and it sounds like there's a lot of drama accompanying the break up. You need to remove yourself from the drama as much as possible. If you have friends who want to report back to you, ask them to stop. Does it really matter what this girl thinks of you? Is it helping you to know what she's saying? Become better than that and rise above it. And give yourself more time to come to terms with the suddenness of the breakup. It's a shock to the system when something comes crashing to a halt after years together. Eventually you will feel better. Good luck.
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