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Giving Ultimatums to Get Engaged

Group Therapy: Should I Leave If He Doesn't Propose For Xmas?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I first plan on being completely honest. I am only 22 and realize I am very young; my boyfriend, however, is 27 now. Putting age aside, which doesn't really matter to me, I have been head over heels for this guy for five years now. We moved in together about two years ago, and while I knew it wasn't wise, I was strapped because of some family issues so I took the chance even though I do not agree with it.

I initially lived across the street anyways so we were used to being around each other a lot. He moved and I later moved in with him. I finally, in March, was able to buy my own house and invited him to move in with me. We've been playing house I guess now since March, and I'm going to lose it! My mom had me at 16, my sister at 18 and married by 18. She has four kids and has been divorced now twice and is totally a gold digger. His parents were in their early 20s when they got married; he's the middle of three boys, and they grew up in a trailer with little money. His parents argued a lot too. They are still together now and get along great.

Now while I do not want all that for myself, there is something inside me that desires to be married and have children so bad — and I don't want to wait. He is clearly not ready for marriage. Last year I thought to myself I would give him until Christmas to propose. While throwing around hints that I hoped Santa might bring me an engagement ring, by his response, I can tell that isn't the case — at all.

I know he loves me, and he says if I love him, I will trust him and wait. While I get that, how is it fair for me to wait around because he isn't ready?

Read the rest on Group Therapy.

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green-socks green-socks 5 years
dikke, I agree that she sounds (on paper) like she has her head on straight in terms of financial choices. HOWEVER, getting engaged because a certain amount of time has passed, or because her sister has already been married twice and had four kids sounds like it's playing a pretty significant role. Even if they've been together for 5 years, those reasons are not enough to get married. OP, as everyone else has stated: Don't give an ultimatum, but DO talk to him. Make sure you are on the same page-- you both WANT to get married, have plans to do so, both want kids, and that he isn't feeling like he has items to check off his life list before that stuff happens. You bought a house and asked him to move in. Does that mean he's not as financially stable? Maybe before he gets engaged, he wants that for himself. But you won't know, and you won't be able to work through it as a couple, until you talk about it.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
He's been with her FIVE years and they have a house together and he says not everything's in place? If she was your daughter what would you say? I would give this guy a kick in the rear. She's not that young, 22 is a woman folks. I graduated college at 23. She bought a house which proves shes got her head on her shoulders. In my neighborhood men and women are 19 and 20 married already and very happily I might add. I side with her decision completely. I wish her luck.
danakscully64 danakscully64 5 years
Girl, my head is spinning with this post. I don't even know where to start. I just went through all of this, here's what happened to me: I wanted to get married, my ex did not. He told me over and over that he did, then he didn't, then he did, then he didn't. We moved in together after almost 5 years together and I thought the engagement was going to happen almost immediately after. He's in the military and when we moved in together, we also moved 1,400 miles away from our hometown (I was 18, he was 19 when we met). I used to set dates in my head as to when the deadline was. I originally politely pushed the idea of marriage, then backed off. I tried it all different ways and in the end, I think the pressure to get married (in general, not from me) was too much and he dumped me. I was expecting a ring and instead got a letter explaining how it was over. Marriage is not something you can push. If he's not ready, he's not ready. That being said, prepare yourself, just in case he doesn't think you're "The One." Communicate with him, ask him when he sees himself getting married and having kids and if you're in that plan. 22 AND 27 are both young. I just don't want you to be dragged along for years only to find out he doesn't want to marry you. It's a horrible feeling. I had given up so much for him too, PLEASE don't put yourself in that situation. Comparing you (as a couple) to you and your bf's parents is irrelavent... look how much times have changed. My parents got married young (19/22, 1976) and started having kids a year later. My Mom was a SAHM while my Dad took care of the bills. It was fine until about the mid-80's when things started changing with the cost of living and the economy. It's unrealistic to get married in your teens these days and stay together forever. It's more common to marry in your mid to late 20's. Don't rush into marriage and children, especially if your SO isn't ready. You're still maturing yourself. It doesn't feel like it, but your brain is still developing and you'll change a lot over the next few years (I'm speaking from experience as well). Because of my personal experience, I want to say "RUN! GET ON A PLANE AND GO TO ANOTHER CONTINENT!," but I know I'm just paranoid. If you're wanting to marry this man, shouldn't you be able to talk seriously about marriage with him? And ask him what he wants and when? Be careful, I wish you the best! You can PM me anytime.
brindey brindey 5 years
Hi honey. That agonizing over the ring sucks. Really, I know. I was ready to get married about a year before my fiance proposed. That's sort of how it goes. I think you need to do some soul searching. Why marriage and kids now? What is marriage to you- and what it is to him? How do you want things to change between the two of you? For example, how do you think marriage will change you- and what in marriage are you looking for for the both of you? Before that, do some soul searching about yourself. Why are you anxious? Why do you feel the need to qualify your wants with your family history? How does money play in your life, and your life with a future hubby? When have you been single- and did you get enough of a chance to get to know yourself? What are your hopes, dreams and career aspirations, and how does love and kids fit with that? I can tell you that you don't want a guy to ask you to marry you when he isn't good and ready. You also don't want to ask you to marry you out of guilt, anger at your bitching, or being worn down by your tantrums. And no one falls in love with a raging harpy. Be patient with both yourself and him. Be good to yourself and him. If you aren't content- figure out specifically what the cause is. "I don't have a big ring on my finger" should not be one of those causes- and if it is, I suggest you give him an ultimatum so he can break up with you and be done with you.
Rory1225 Rory1225 5 years
Yes, it is a book by tv writers, but there is a grain of truth to it. I know women who put up with waaaay too much from men. I'm not saying that is the case here though. He probably also thinks that she is too young to get married, and he is not that old either.
bryseana bryseana 5 years
Sometimes age does matter. My parents married at 19, fought all the time and eventually got divorced. My brother got married at 18...same scenario (constant fighting / divorce). My best friend got married at 20...same thing. This is just from my personal observation. It may not apply to everyone. You should be on the same page with your boyfriend. If he's not ready, then that's a red flag. Being legally tied to someone and then throwing children into the mix is a big deal and can cause stress for some people who aren't really ready for it.
medenginer medenginer 5 years
I think neither of you had a good example from your parents what a healthy marriage is. This has had an impact on both of you and there are underlying issues. I think some counseling would benefit you both. If he's willing to get engaged just be patient and wait if you think he's worth it. If the situation was reversed and he wanted marriage but you weren't ready what would happen then.
RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 5 years
Maybe you should talk to him more about getting married. Most couples have conversations about it. It's a bad idea to never mention it and then just expect the guy to pop the question one day. You need to prepare together and talk about your goals and dreams. I do think you should wait for much much longer. You want to get married for all the wrong reasons.
Torbach Torbach 5 years
I always look out for a girl who shows she is capable of being reasonable, rather than black-and-white, throw in the towel at the one thing that isn't going her way. I'm certain you exhibit the same characteristics elsewhere. He might be waiting for you to show you are more emotionally mature. "Take-care-of-me-now!!!!" is the biggest red flag I know.. that and the mix of passive-aggression "hey see that ring " I had an ex do that, I would reply "Yep, when you going to get me one??" And if she had I would have said yes, It would have proved to me she can handle going after what she wants, not asking me to do it for her.
tarabara1229 tarabara1229 5 years
I think you have a lot of maturing to do. I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid, but it's how wish to act on those feelings that make you seem immature. I was also 17 when I met my current bf in college (I'm 26 now), and even though we've had lengthy conversations of marriage, we've realized throughout the years of school, work, and living together, that we need to get to certain place that feels right before heading down the aisle. Do I sometimes wish we were already married? Sure, but you know, I'm also pretty content right now, so what difference does it make? Like another poster mentioned, marriage doesn't really prove much in terms of commitment. It's certainly not the be-all and end-all. Calm down, nix the ultimatum, and grow up a bit before you end up regretting hasty decisions. No matter the outcome, you'll be the better for it.
Rory1225 Rory1225 5 years
Oh and I don't agree that living together is a kiss of death for marriage. Women who live with their boyfriends and then those boyfriends refuse to propose are dating men that are not willing to commit to them. It's the men not the situation.
Rory1225 Rory1225 5 years
I don't think that people are saying the relationship should continue on his terms. It's just if someone doesn't want to get married, then you shouldn't get married. It's like how if someone wants to break up with you, you don't get a say in that. If he doesn't want to get married, then trying to force him into is not going to better their relationship. He might end up resenting her for it later on.
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
You are entitled to have your goals and dreams. If they aren't going to happen with this man you have 2 options: 1) change what you want, 2) leave your man and go find another one who shares your goals and dreams. To me, marriage will not prove anything in the way of commitment or promises. Peope get divorced everyday. The marriage vows meant nothing. But if marriage is your number one priority you really owe it to yourself to go after it. If you leave, keep it light. Something like, "I love you, but I need to find a relationship that will meet MY NEEDS. Please don't think I'm manipulating you; you don't want this but I DO.". And that's it.
nicole121482 nicole121482 5 years
Sweetheart, you need to get a grip! You are way way to young to be thinking of marriage! Look at how it worked for all the examples around you? Take it easy...you are going to change so much between the ages of 22 and 26....see what happens! You want to be happy right? Not just settled down...guys generally don't get ready to settle down until around 30, neither of you are ready...enjoy your relationship for what it is...enjoy being young....
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
Math time! You started dating this guy when you were 17 and he was 22. I'm guessing you were in high school, which explains a lot about this situation. I don't know what you should do with your relationship, but I do think you might benefit from some counseling to help you sort out what you want from life and how you can get it.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 5 years
I don't think you are horrible. I think you are saying things that a lot of women feel -even if they don't always express it. The living together thing in my opinion never works - not if you actually want to get married and start a family soon. To me living together is a way to postpone marriage and I agree 100% with dikke kus. I'm sure he loves you but that doesn't mean he wants to marry you now. People are saying that you are selfish for requiring him to do it on your terms with an ultimatum but then the flip side of that is HIS terms - when he's ready and that's not fair either. Look at that Prince William and his girlfriend - she waited around for him for 9 years!! Anyways, DO NOT GIVE HIM AN ULTIMATUM. but stop living with him. just because a guy lives with you does not mean he wants to marry you and although some guys live with women they want to marry, some don't, but they like the comfort of living with someone no strings attached. The only way to really know is to not live together before marriage. Anyways, your relationship with him may be over. im not sure. but stop living with him if you want to get married within the next 3 years because it could drag on like that
kimmieb124 kimmieb124 5 years
5 years is a long time to be with someone, and I can understand why you are interested in a more formal committment. Having said that, I agree with the others that an ultimatum is not a mature or wise step to take. I think you need to take a look at yourself and ask if you are truly ready for marriage. As you yourself stated, you are only 22. Do not hold yourself to some arbitrary timeline you've set in your head--which, by the way, is also not a mature or wise approach to life. In addition, I think you need to take a look at your boyfriend and your relationship with him. If you plan on being with him for the rest of your life, what is the hurry? It sounds to me like you are insecure in your relationship and you want to tie him down to address your own insecurities. But you should know that having him sign a piece of paper saying your married isn't going to help unless you are confident that you are both ready.
mondaymoos mondaymoos 5 years
I hastily got married at 20 after being with the dude for two years. Honestly, I did it for financial reasons and he did it because I was easy to control. Sounds healthy, right? I'd re-evaluate what is important to you in your life before you end up working on a divorce like moi.
Vanonymous Vanonymous 5 years
I pretty much agree with everyone else. Do not give him an ultimatum. That is incredibly selfish. And I can guarantee every fight you have as a married couple will come back to "I told you I wasn't ready to do this!". Also, I never really understood the whole "If he doesn't ask me by this date, I'm leaving". You're claiming you want to spend the rest of your life with him, but you're willing to leave him if he doesn't propose to you on your terms. 22 is very young to get married. Even 27 is young for men to get married these days. Give him a break. Just enjoy day to day life with him.
stephley stephley 5 years
There's no way you're ready for marriage - everything in your post screams immature.
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