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Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Is 33 and Still Lives at Home

My boyfriend is 33 years old and lives at his parents' house in the basement, which he refers to as his "own apartment," even though it's just a room in the basement with a bed in it. At first he made his situation seem temporary, but as time goes by he has told me that he's comfortable living at his parents' house because he doesn't have to pay to live there and he is really close to his mom so he enjoys spending time with her during the day. He has told me that money isn't an issue (he has a job where he earns a living wage, but it's not a huge amount of money), and he says that he's comfortable with where he is, so he sees no reason as to why he should move out. He has lived on his own before, but he says that he has no desire to go back that situation.

I'm 21 years old and will graduate from college in less than a year. I see things completely differently — I can't stand the thought of living in my parents' house any longer than I have to. I would feel kind of pathetic sitting around my parents' house after the age of 30 just because it's comfortable. He doesn't see any problem with it and doesn't seem to have much motivation to move out of their house. Has anyone had experience with this situation? Is there any way to motivate him to get out of his parent's house?



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shaniheartsmax shaniheartsmax 4 years
i'm 33 and was in this situation for almost 5 years. i ended a relationship with one of these peter pan's about 5 weeks ago. he's 34 and has been living at home with his family for i think 6 years now. i was open-minded about the whole situation because he's a wonderful individual. my last ex hated his family and it was refreshing to be with someone who adores his family. however, it's been over 4.5 years--nothing changed. he never went back to graduate school while i finished my master's about a year and a half after we met. i've started a pilates certification and am at my current position 7 years now. these guys don't change. i've asked a few times why he won't move in with me--i'm super independent with hobbies/friends...not at all clingy. He's in the restaurant biz and i work at a cancer research center. the thing is, if they love you--they'll meet you in the middle. i realized he's plain selfish and while i dish out all this money to live on my own (since i was like 22)--he has all this money saved. i think these guys should be left alone--travel and blow their nest egg alone. it infuriates me that he has all this money saved and can't make one decision in his life. move on to your equal. leave him to end up alone or stay with mommy and daddy forever.
soulsearcher83 soulsearcher83 6 years
I just broke up with a guy who lives at hom with his parents. He is in his late 30's. Pending some situation like he's sick, it's temporary, etc there is no reason for a guy that age to live at home. It won't change. Don't expect to change him. You will become mom for him if you two move in together.
sparklestar sparklestar 7 years
Molly, you are not going to like what I am going to say but hear me out. You have basically echoed everything that any of us could tell you about your boyfriend. You will ALWAYS suffer his family because they are, after all, his family. They won't go away and they won't change. It is /weird/ that his sister hangs around you two (she's lonely I guess?) and it is weird that his mother makes you breakfast but these are the things he needs in order to function, apparently! Would you move away from somewhere where you get your laundry done, your meals cooked and your lunch made for you? How do you think it would be if he actually lived with you? Who would do those things for him? I can imagine it now... you are trying to look after the two kids and his mother is fussing around because you "don't do the laundry like I used to for him" or don't make his meals the same as she did. Look, the guy is married to his mother and I don't think this is going to change unless he has years of counselling. You said it yourself - you are a catch... so go out there and be caught! Women have this bizarre tendancy to just "settle" on 'fixer uppers" because they don't think they can do any better so maybe you should check out some counselling for your terribly low self-esteem and move on from this guy? Or you know, live in his mothers shadow forever. He'll never propose because he has everything he wants already and you are just an additional bonus that keeps his penis warm occasionally.
molly1616 molly1616 7 years
hi i have just been reading everyones comments and i dont know what to do as well as i am in the same situation. I have been seeing my boyfriend for a year and a half. When i first met him i was buying my own place which he does come over and stay. He lives with his mum and dad. His sister has moved out but she is obsessed with her brother. I love how much his family loves each other but they are everywhere. I sleep at his house and his sister is there everynight and when we go to bed she goes home. They come to all his footy games. He is 29 and and his sister seems to be able to only talk about him to people and nothing else. I feel awkward when i stay there as his mum makes us breakfast in the morning. I am 30 years old and i get so embarassed being waited on. I am a grown woman. He said he will move in with me but that was now 4 months ago. He keeps aying he will but i am starting to think its never going to happen. I want him to move in not because i am nagging him but because he loves me and wants to be with me. I am scared out of my brains that he will be homesick and miss his mother doing everything for him. She makes him every meal including packing his lunch for work. I am worried that he wont handle paying for bills. I think i am attractive, have no kids and own my own home. I am the perfect catch and what else could this guy want? i also know i would look after him. I know he loves me but he is so damn lazy about making changes in his life and its starting to worry me to the point i am getting moody around him. I tell him how i feel and he just says I have nothing to worry about and he will sort himself out soon. HELP
niceride niceride 7 years
Haaaaa, my boyfriend is 33 and lives with his folks...in the basement. I'm 13 years older...weird but we get along quite well. I've been hinting about him contributing more. I own my own house and he spends a lot of time at my place. He sleeps here, eats here but goes home to get changed. Despite a bunch of good qualities, I've really noticed how little he contributes either at my place or at his parents...like missiceblast's guy, my guy doesn't mow the lawn, shovel the driveway and yay, he's content with someone else making his meals (include..buying all of the food) and doing his laundry....and no he does not pay rent etc. After bringing this up to him several times, I became pretty direct. He responded by staying at mommy's house and letting me know over the phone that he is tired of the PMS game. WOW....I can't believe that he is that dense. I've even hinted to his parents that he should contribute more at their place...either by doing work or pay them rent. He is a stone mason and makes very decent money. He can come and go as he pleases and has absolutely no responsibilities. He does pay his personal bills, but does not chip in to the household expenses...anywhere. HOWEVER.......he eats, poops and breathes a project Trans AM. Last week we calculated that he has over $17000.00 into this car. I was all for him completing his project and getting on with life.....now I realize that it is his life. I'm wishing him good luck in his future. I wonder what will be faster...his Trans AM, or me running away "like I'm on fire".
missiceblast missiceblast 7 years
My boyfriend lives with his parents as well. He's 33, he was in the army, got out and returned home after 8 years. At first I was concerned about him living at home, but he made it seem like he was contributing, but as time has gone on, he's content with letting him mom cook his meals, do his laundry, all the house work, he doesn't go grocery shopping, he doesn't mow the lawn, nor does he shovel the drive. He goes to work, goes home and sits and play on teh computer or watches tv. We are in a LD relationship and he just seems content with seeing me whenever. When we talk on the phone it's usually once every other day for about 5 minutes cuz i can't stand the fact that he doesn't say anything and when i pose questions to him about his day he says, "i didn't do anything, i'm not doing anything, i don't have anything to say". I forbade him from texting me cuz it was annoying, he would just say things like, I miss you, and then not answer back when i texted something with substance, cuz he was too busy on the computer... It hurts cuz i honestly care for him adn have gotten close with the family and neices and nephews. but this is going nowhere... to the OP, this will be your story if you don't run. As is now I don't know how to break-up with him.
Rebecca14916991 Rebecca14916991 7 years
... Honestly, I would leave his sorry ass. You have your whole life ahead of you! See, it's not so much the age gap that gets me, though that is a little squicky. It's the fact that he doesn't want to leave his parents' house and start anything on his own. This man has no initiative and no providing instinct. You're about to graduate college, and you definitely don't want to go back to your parents; you want to be independent. He doesn't. This WILL NOT WORK. You can definitely find someone better than this. No matter how much a man says he loves you, if he isn't willing to even try to provide for you outside of his parents' house (I'm guessing this is an issue because you still see yourself with him after graduation), he isn't willing to make any sacrifices for your sake, and you will just end up living with him in the basement. GET OUT NOW! Seriously. He should not be your responsibility. No matter what, this man is NOT a "project" or someone who can be changed. He is 33 and still acts like he is 18 and getting ready to go to college. Find someone else!
Fallen85 Fallen85 7 years
Melizzle, this guy isnt working his own business, he "has a job where he earns a living wage, but it's not a huge amount of money." If he moved into his parents place to save money so he could open his own business or buy a home in the near future then it could be forgiven but this guy is living with his parents simply because he doesnt have to pay rent and he has no intentions of moving out any time soon. I dont think anyone is saying that anyone living with their parents at any time after the age of 18 for any reason is a loser. I think they're saying that in this specific situation for the reasons that the poster pointed out that this specific guy is probably a loser and a momma's boy. Agreed?
melizzle melizzle 7 years
Lots of judgment being passed on this thread... Living at home doesn't always equate loser. i.e. my stepdad living at home launching his business until marrying my mom in his late thirties. He currently lives in a house that he paid off and is totally debt free. He talks about how people used to call him a "loser" or "mamma's boy" for not moving out, but now he has everything he's ever wanted while his "friends" struggle.
The-Drunk-Lady The-Drunk-Lady 7 years
You can't make him move, as pop said. Just because you believe he should, doesn't mean he has to believe it also. You can't push him into doing something you want. "At first he made his situation seem temporary..." Is it possible it was a miscommunication or assumption, on your part? If he was living there when you started dating, you could have stopped dating him. If it didn't bother you then, why does it bother you now? If you did know, then you willingly signed up for that tour. You didn't say if he was living with mommy, from the start. If this is a deal breaker, you are free to leave. I understand why you think there's something wrong with this. If I were you, every time I looked at him, I would think Cliff Claven from the show Cheers. I would have run away. You have a choice. Good luck
chow chow 7 years
i dont think it's a problem that he still lives with his parents, but the fact that he has no motivation to leave is questionable. i know plenty of people in their early 30s who are still living with their parents but they are trying to save up to buy a house, or something. if you dont like it try to motivate him to leave. or maybe you should end it.
ilanac13 ilanac13 7 years
for a second there it thought that you were talking about my brother but then i realized that you couldn't be cause his relationship with my mom isn't that great yet she can't bring herself to kick him out. i think that my brothers still live at home because they can - and that's as simple as it is. they don't have to do things for themselves and if they could live like that forever, then they would. i think that it's hard when you're in a different place, but i think that if you talk to him about it, and make your point to him, then maybe you can really get things to change. the only thing to be careful with is that if he goes from living with his parents to living with you for example, then chances are that he's going to expect the same care/treatment from you that he gets at home.
Jeny Jeny 7 years
You should watch 'failure to launch' with Sara Jessica Parker and Matthew Macconnhay lmao yeahhh that wasn't spelt right haha
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 7 years
He's happily living at home. What more do you need to know? Are you going to go live with him in his basement? Ride around in his big wheel? it's not too far fetched because guess what? He's not going anywhere. That's the worst kind of man to have hanging around. He's just wasting space.
bluebellknoll bluebellknoll 7 years
I also agree with Dinamay. He's a LOSER.
Belle1031 Belle1031 7 years
You know for once, I agree with Luisamapacha!
Fallen85 Fallen85 7 years
I 100% agree with dinamay. Couldnt have said it better myself.
dinamay dinamay 7 years
In response to vampyre, yes there are a lot of negtive & judgemental comments. The poster wanted our opinion and that's what she's getting. But just for the record she did state that "At first he made his situation seem temporary, but as time goes by he has told me that he's comfortable living at his parents' house because HE DOESN'T HAVE TO PAY TO LIVE THERE and he is really close to his mom so he enjoys spending time with her during the day." Well, that says he's paying NOTHING. It wouldn't surprise me if his mommy takes him to work and picks him up too or if the poster does. He's a loser and a "scrub" like TLC sing about! Based on what she said - that's what we have to "judge & be negative" with. She didn't hae anything positive to say about the man! "He has told me that money isn't an issue (he has a job where he earns a living wage, but it's not a huge amount of money), and he says that he's comfortable with where he is, so he sees no reason as to why he should move out. He has lived on his own before, but he says that he has NO DESIRE to go back that situation." He moved on his own & MOVED BACK WITH MOMMY! Mama's boy all day every day!!!! Yes he is so below her level I'm surprised she hasn't hurt her back stooping that low. She deserves a man with a good job and his own place to entertain, with ambitions to do bigger and better...not be content with mommy's basement and a minimum wage job! She's almost done with her degree! She has potiential and she's wasting her life on a loser. And that's my opinion! Take offense to my reply or whatever, the man ought be ashamed of himself. And I'm sure she remained anonymous because she's somewhat embarrassed about the situation. I would never tell anyone my boyfriend is 33 and lives at home in his parents basement - my friends would think something is seriously wrong with me.
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 7 years
He may not be lazy just because he's living with his parents, but I do think it says something about how ready he is for a serious relationship. Having a certain amount of independence is a big part of making a relationship work and his living situation is a big part of it-- if you to can't be together in a living space without constant interaction with his parents, you won't ever get a decent idea of with it's like to be alone in a home with him. If you're not comfortable with it and don't like being with his parents all the time, get out of the relationship.
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