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Hate and Forgiveness

Here's a post from OnSugar blog Rantings of a Single Girl.

I have something to confess. I hate someone. I mean really, really, really hate someone. And I know we aren't supposed to hate people. But I hate them so much that I get nauseated every time I think of them. There are people I strongly dislike — you know — people I'd rather not be trapped in an elevator with. But with this person, I would probably have to kill myself if I was trapped in an elevator with them. I hate them that much.

And I hate that I hate them. One, because I try my best not to hate people. And two, because they are a member of my family. I know we all have black sheep in our family or relatives we wish didn't come to Christmas dinner, but I don't think anyone hates a member of their family as much as I do this one person. They lie. They are selfish. They don't care about anyone but themselves. Because of their ways, acts, and personality, they have hurt the people closest to me. And I can't properly put into words how that makes me feel.

I know forgiveness is key. But I'm afraid I'll never be able to forgive them for what they've done to my family. To their own family. Even if I am ever able to forgive this person, I'll never forget. I'll never be able to truly consider this person a member of my family again. Which is sad, because when I was little I used to adore this person. I would always be excited when they'd come to visit. Then I grew up and learned what kind of person they really were.

Hate is a strong and debilitating emotion. It makes you say things you regret even if those things ring with truth. It warps your vision and thoughts. It makes you physically ill if the hate is strong enough. I don't want to hate anyone. But this person makes it impossible.

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schnuppi schnuppi 6 years
starangel, at least you have parts of your close family agreeing with you - that is what helped me. I also think that my feeling of hate lessened with time because I avoid her at all costs. Right now I feel more sorry for her because she gets old and finally realized that she alienated everybody.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 6 years
I don't think I have experienced hate for some one but certainly extreme agitation at the very thought or mention of them. From my experience getting over this anger sickness is a deliberate conscious process. Every time it wells up you've got to reason through it. If you just wrap your self up in it it'll never go away. It took me a good four years to get over what my brother said and did to me and I didn't even have to see or talk to him in that four years, he lives over seas. Now I'm totally over it and if we should happen upon each other at a family gathering I will shake his hand with a clean slate. It's just not worth carrying that toxic energy around my heart because I'm not hurting him I'm hurting my self.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 6 years
I don't think I have experienced hate for some one but certainly extreme agitation at the very thought or mention of them. From my experience getting over this anger sickness is a deliberate conscious process. Every time it wells up you've got to reason through it. If you just wrap your self up in it it'll never go away. It took me a good four years to get over what my brother said and did to me and I didn't even have to see or talk to him in that four years, he lives over seas. Now I'm totally over it and if we should happen upon each other at a family gathering I will shake his hand with a clean slate. It's just not worth carrying that toxic energy around my heart because I'm not hurting him I'm hurting my self.
DorthyOz DorthyOz 6 years
starangel82, don't know if you're religious or not, but when a married cousin-in-law of mine slept with my ex-husband (over the course of a 4 year marriage) I prayed. I prayed for God to take the hatred from me that I couldn't get rid of. I remember my blood just boiling over and seeing red every time that woman's name came up. I couldn't think, couldn't speak- just get very flustered and cry in my frustration. This woman had pretended to be my friend to my face, but was mentally manipulating my then husband to the point he got mad and verbally abusive towards me especially when I had a miscarriage. I really hated her and did not wish her well. But like you I felt bad about hating someone so much. I tried being cordial with her, and forgiving her. It made me so sick to play pretend, I wanted to just kill myself when I was around her. One day I just broke down, cried, and prayed. Really, really prayed. I prayed for God to take the hatred away. I was tired of it. I wanted His peace. What I am happy to say is that I remember feeling relieved afterward. While I wouldn't be BFF with her, the hatred is no longer there. starangel82, good luck to you. keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
DorthyOz DorthyOz 6 years
starangel82, don't know if you're religious or not, but when a married cousin-in-law of mine slept with my ex-husband (over the course of a 4 year marriage) I prayed. I prayed for God to take the hatred from me that I couldn't get rid of. I remember my blood just boiling over and seeing red every time that woman's name came up. I couldn't think, couldn't speak- just get very flustered and cry in my frustration. This woman had pretended to be my friend to my face, but was mentally manipulating my then husband to the point he got mad and verbally abusive towards me especially when I had a miscarriage. I really hated her and did not wish her well. But like you I felt bad about hating someone so much. I tried being cordial with her, and forgiving her. It made me so sick to play pretend, I wanted to just kill myself when I was around her. One day I just broke down, cried, and prayed. Really, really prayed. I prayed for God to take the hatred away. I was tired of it. I wanted His peace. What I am happy to say is that I remember feeling relieved afterward. While I wouldn't be BFF with her, the hatred is no longer there.starangel82, good luck to you. keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Choco-cat Choco-cat 6 years
i understand what you're talking about, and why you want to purge yourself of the hate. it so sucks the energy out of you. i don't know what to tell you, i wish i did. you can try to distance yourself from the person. i don't mean physically, but try to distance yourself emotionally - try not to get sucked into the drama and evil that this person creates.
Choco-cat Choco-cat 6 years
i understand what you're talking about, and why you want to purge yourself of the hate. it so sucks the energy out of you. i don't know what to tell you, i wish i did. you can try to distance yourself from the person. i don't mean physically, but try to distance yourself emotionally - try not to get sucked into the drama and evil that this person creates.
lauraxtc lauraxtc 6 years
I can relate.I would not like to be stuck with a family member in an elevator either. But hate is a strong word. I would just be better off not knowing anything about them. You have to focus on yourself and forget about them, if it bothers you that much, get it off your chest and tell them how you feel. Even if it doesn't resolve anything, at least you got it off your chest and maybe you will feel better about it. Well that's my opinion.
lauraxtc lauraxtc 6 years
I can relate. I would not like to be stuck with a family member in an elevator either. But hate is a strong word. I would just be better off not knowing anything about them. You have to focus on yourself and forget about them, if it bothers you that much, get it off your chest and tell them how you feel. Even if it doesn't resolve anything, at least you got it off your chest and maybe you will feel better about it. Well that's my opinion.
starangel82 starangel82 6 years
Thanks to everyone who has shared their story. It makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not alone in my feelings. As far as a resolution to all this, maybe there will be one in the years to come or at least let go. Or maybe I'll learn to forgive. schuppi - To answer your question, my father and I feel the exact same way about this person. And my mother has tried to be the peace maker for years, but even my mom is realize this person really is the witch that she is. My sister on the other hand is more forgiving that I'll ever be... I wish I had that ability sometimes.
starangel82 starangel82 6 years
Thanks to everyone who has shared their story. It makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not alone in my feelings. As far as a resolution to all this, maybe there will be one in the years to come or at least let go. Or maybe I'll learn to forgive.schuppi - To answer your question, my father and I feel the exact same way about this person. And my mother has tried to be the peace maker for years, but even my mom is realize this person really is the witch that she is. My sister on the other hand is more forgiving that I'll ever be... I wish I had that ability sometimes.
elizabethsosewn elizabethsosewn 6 years
I know the kind of weight that hangs over you for hating someone, the not quite shame, but more like "i wish i could NOT hate you" kind of feeling. Green Fairy is right.. you shouldn't feel ashamed of how you feel, specially is they truly deserved it. I honestly think there is no kind of family tie except the fact that they have known you longer than anyone else, and sometimes even that's not true. Your family is who you make, blood related or not. I hope you come to peace with your feelings, and with them. It took me a long time to not hate my former best friend, and it wasn't that i stopped hating them, it's that i forced myself to stop getting to SO ANGRY over something that happened years ago. even if she is the same person, i don't have to face it at all. And there is no point in me getting so angry. I honestly would go to her funeral, but not as a "i wish i made my peace" it would be to see her sister who is lovely, and to say my final words to her. "You were a fool" I know that being family you have to encounter your person much more than I will ever have to, so Good Luck. you will need it, and hopefully, eventually you will get over it. It takes a lot of inner reflection to move on from actively hating someone.
elizabethsosewn elizabethsosewn 6 years
I know the kind of weight that hangs over you for hating someone, the not quite shame, but more like "i wish i could NOT hate you" kind of feeling. Green Fairy is right.. you shouldn't feel ashamed of how you feel, specially is they truly deserved it. I honestly think there is no kind of family tie except the fact that they have known you longer than anyone else, and sometimes even that's not true. Your family is who you make, blood related or not. I hope you come to peace with your feelings, and with them. It took me a long time to not hate my former best friend, and it wasn't that i stopped hating them, it's that i forced myself to stop getting to SO ANGRY over something that happened years ago. even if she is the same person, i don't have to face it at all. And there is no point in me getting so angry. I honestly would go to her funeral, but not as a "i wish i made my peace" it would be to see her sister who is lovely, and to say my final words to her. "You were a fool"I know that being family you have to encounter your person much more than I will ever have to, so Good Luck. you will need it, and hopefully, eventually you will get over it. It takes a lot of inner reflection to move on from actively hating someone.
xgreenfairyx xgreenfairyx 6 years
Meh, I hate people in my family. And people in general. And what do you mean you're 'not supposed to hate people?' Of course you are...otherwise, you and the rest of humanity wouldn't have the feeling we understand as 'hate'. Its whether you manage it in a socially acceptable way or not that matters.The whole 'blood is thicker than water' stuff is crap...I've known more love outside of my family than I'll ever know inside, and people tried to shame me into thinking I was wrong. If you hate someone, you simply do, so get over the whole shame thing; Family is just a word.Look, in the end, you can't change people. They will be crap because they want to, and there isn't a thing you can do. You're feelings are just a reaction. I guess the best things you can do are cut them out of your life, ignore them, and channel your feelings in other directions.
xgreenfairyx xgreenfairyx 6 years
Meh, I hate people in my family. And people in general. And what do you mean you're 'not supposed to hate people?' Of course you are...otherwise, you and the rest of humanity wouldn't have the feeling we understand as 'hate'. Its whether you manage it in a socially acceptable way or not that matters. The whole 'blood is thicker than water' stuff is crap...I've known more love outside of my family than I'll ever know inside, and people tried to shame me into thinking I was wrong. If you hate someone, you simply do, so get over the whole shame thing; Family is just a word. Look, in the end, you can't change people. They will be crap because they want to, and there isn't a thing you can do. You're feelings are just a reaction. I guess the best things you can do are cut them out of your life, ignore them, and channel your feelings in other directions.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 6 years
I can relate so much to you. There are a few people in my family that I really hate, I hate them so much that when something bad happens to them it makes me REALLY happy. The worst thing is that I'm sometimes force to have a relationship with some of them. I have tried to feel neutral towards them but I can't. At least you have the option not to have a relationship with them, I'm stock with them for a very long time.
mix-tape mix-tape 6 years
I also went through something similar to this with my own mother. I refused to talk to her for about half a year and she never made an effort to patch things up either. Two of my siblings still don't talk to her, but I thought that I had to at least feel neutral towards her or else my own mental health would deteriorate. Today we have a very simple relationship. We live in different cities, but whenever I have to see her my blood doesn't boil over. In a sense I'm almost lying to myself about all the things she's done to my family, but it's also given me a peace of mind to know that there's one less person on this earth that I don't have to battle with.
schnuppi schnuppi 6 years
I can also relate to your post. My own grandma did some pretty bad things to her husband, her kids, her siblings, and the list goes on because of money and own personal advantages. She is selfish and hateful and at one point I could just not take it anymore and basically severed all ties. Now her own children, grandchildren, and siblings don't talk to her anymore and she has no friends. starangel82, how does the rest of your family feel about this person?
schnuppi schnuppi 6 years
I can also relate to your post. My own grandma did some pretty bad things to her husband, her kids, her siblings, and the list goes on because of money and own personal advantages. She is selfish and hateful and at one point I could just not take it anymore and basically severed all ties. Now her own children, grandchildren, and siblings don't talk to her anymore and she has no friends. starangel82, how does the rest of your family feel about this person?
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