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Is Having Sex With an Ex OK?

Group Therapy: Is Having Sex With an Ex OK?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My ex-boyfriend and I recently broke up, but he still wants me in his life and he keeps telling me that he won't leave me. The reason that we broke up wasn't necessarily about the relationship, but it was him because he's been having some problems with his penis and he feels like he needs to bask in his despair by himself.

I do not know whether or not the reason for the breakup was actually because of this reason or not, but it doesn't bother me because we were only in a relationship for four months and he’s still in my life. You see, last night I suggested to my ex that we should still have casual sex and he was in to it.

This doesn’t make sense to me, since he broke up with me because his penis couldn’t stay up. Anyways, my friends believe that I'm using him and playing with his emotions because I'm sending him dirty texts, telling him that I miss him, and I’ve been known to be a siren at times. I guess my friends are afraid that I’ll hurt him because he’s still willing to stay in my life and he still has some emotions towards me. I suppose I am using him, but I have already made my intentions clear. I do care about him, but I want to have fun and it's so much easier to have sex with an ex when my life is so busy. And I do realize that the casual sex could potentially ruin our friendship, but it's only until he either feels comfortable enough to resume the relationship or I find someone better.

So, do you think that having sex with an ex is a good idea?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 4 years
Once again, some ridiculously stupid piece of spam makes it through your filters... I swear I'm gonna start including links to boiled broccoli and Louis Vuitton knock off boots... That way I know my comments will NEVER get flagged, ever.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 4 years
Once again, some ridiculously stupid piece of spam makes it through your filters... I swear I'm gonna start including links to boiled broccoli and Louis Vuitton knock off boots... That way I know my comments will NEVER get flagged, ever.
kbagarella kbagarella 5 years
I think this is only going to bring bad news. It's never a good idea to mess with an ex because usually sex turns into feelings again which can bring more problems. Also it's not really fair to him.
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
Sex with an ex is difficult because of the prior relationship. You would both need to have your memories erased in order to avoid falling back into the relationship mindset. Besides, if he has problems with sex, why do you want to continue to -- either torture him or use up what little get-up-and-go he may have so he can't use it for another?
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
Sex with an ex is difficult because of the prior relationship. You would both need to have your memories erased in order to avoid falling back into the relationship mindset.Besides, if he has problems with sex, why do you want to continue to -- either torture him or use up what little get-up-and-go he may have so he can't use it for another?
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 5 years
If you have enough of a brain to ask about whether or not what you're doing is right or wrong, then you can change. Get our of there; as mentioned, this man does not deserve to be used by you, and whether you think you are or not, well, news flash, you are. That's completely unfair to him, especially if 'his dick isn't working'. For the record, I totally LOL'd at postmodernsleeze's post. There IS a valid point there...!
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 5 years
If you have enough of a brain to ask about whether or not what you're doing is right or wrong, then you can change. Get our of there; as mentioned, this man does not deserve to be used by you, and whether you think you are or not, well, news flash, you are. That's completely unfair to him, especially if 'his dick isn't working'. For the record, I totally LOL'd at postmodernsleeze's post. There IS a valid point there...!
ligwa ligwa 5 years
Your friends are worried about you! Not some guy who may or may not be part of your lives in a year. As much as you say you're going to be detached, that you're going to break his heart, I'm going to quote you: "And I do realize that the casual sex could potentially ruin our friendship, but it's only until he either feels comfortable enough to resume the relationship or I find someone better." There's still a little piece of hope that your relationship will work out. If you're having sex with him, that piece of hope will hurt immensely. And if you're still hoping for him, you won't find another guy. I just cut out an ex and it hurts. You probably will have some run ins with him because you miss him. Be strong and rely on your friends! You don't need the sex, you don't need the hurt!
ligwa ligwa 5 years
Your friends are worried about you! Not some guy who may or may not be part of your lives in a year. As much as you say you're going to be detached, that you're going to break his heart, I'm going to quote you: "And I do realize that the casual sex could potentially ruin our friendship, but it's only until he either feels comfortable enough to resume the relationship or I find someone better."There's still a little piece of hope that your relationship will work out. If you're having sex with him, that piece of hope will hurt immensely. And if you're still hoping for him, you won't find another guy. I just cut out an ex and it hurts. You probably will have some run ins with him because you miss him. Be strong and rely on your friends! You don't need the sex, you don't need the hurt!
Venus1 Venus1 5 years
I agree with the two comments above. Leave him well alone and if you just want sex look elsewhere!
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
If I just wanted to have casual sex, I'd find a guy whose dick worked well. :shrug:
juicebox07 juicebox07 5 years
From personal experience, it's not a good idea to have sex with an ex. One of you will (most likely) get hurt. I know that I will never have sex with an ex again. This isn't "casual sex" as one (or both) of you likely still have feelings. You're either together or you're not, and if you're not, you both need to move on. Continuing to have sex prevents that.
stephley stephley 5 years
Frankly, I think you should hire a partner and leave your ex alone: "I suppose I am using him, but I have already made my intentions clear. I do care about him, but I want to have fun and it's so much easier to have sex with an ex when my life is so busy. And I do realize that the casual sex could potentially ruin our friendship, but it's only until he either feels comfortable enough to resume the relationship or I find someone better."
stephley stephley 5 years
Frankly, I think you should hire a partner and leave your ex alone: "I suppose I am using him, but I have already made my intentions clear. I do care about him, but I want to have fun and it's so much easier to have sex with an ex when my life is so busy. And I do realize that the casual sex could potentially ruin our friendship, but it's only until he either feels comfortable enough to resume the relationship or I find someone better."
Gabriela-Une-Vie-Saine Gabriela-Une-Vie-Saine 5 years
My gut reaction is to say no. I've never been in this exact situation, but I have dealt with an ex keeping me around for selfish reasons, and in the end it sucked for both of us. There are plenty of people to have casual sex with- I'd say go for someone with whom emotional attachment is not an issue.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
You're being mean. If he's having issues with his penis, as you say, why the heck would you tell him that the only way to hold onto you is to have casual sex? Try to have a little heart here. Let him go, like your friends advise, and choose someone who isn't depressed to play games with.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
OP, You must consider both a short-term and long-term solution to your problem. The shot-term solution is that there are sexual techniques that may help. Please feel free to ask for examples. But the real problem is that he is lacking in self-confidence and self-esteem, so the long-term solution is to help him build up his self-confidence and self-esteem. But that would take a lot of work. Do you want to put in a lot of work on this, becoming his ‘psychotherapist’ as a result? Here is an article about two people with the same type of problem: http://www.lhj.com/relationships/can-this-marriage-be-saved/dysfunctional-relationships/hes-so-needy-its-making-me-crazy/ Please read this article and tell us what you think.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
OP,You must consider both a short-term and long-term solution to your problem. The shot-term solution is that there are sexual techniques that may help. Please feel free to ask for examples.But the real problem is that he is lacking in self-confidence and self-esteem, so the long-term solution is to help him build up his self-confidence and self-esteem. But that would take a lot of work. Do you want to put in a lot of work on this, becoming his ‘psychotherapist’ as a result?Here is an article about two people with the same type of problem:http://www.lhj.com/relationships/can-this-marriage-be-saved/dysfunctional-relationships/hes-so-needy-its-making-me-crazy/Please read this article and tell us what you think.
chibros chibros 5 years
You better go and fine a casual friends with benefit or sex partner instead of involving each other in this. The main deal didn't work out, so let both of you mind your own separate business. Fucking him until you find someone better is ofcourse "using him" as your friends said. You don't expect him to be your sex friend and you got someone else, do you think it would be fun for him even if guys are just friends. He will mind and he might be hurt even if he wanted to let go at the first place. Rather do it the other way round, go out and grab a sex partner while you are busy with your life and waiting for your ex to get ready for a relationship. of which you will move on when things doesn't turn out between you both but at least, no one gets hurt.
chibros chibros 5 years
You better go and fine a casual friends with benefit or sex partner instead of involving each other in this. The main deal didn't work out, so let both of you mind your own separate business.Fucking him until you find someone better is ofcourse "using him" as your friends said. You don't expect him to be your sex friend and you got someone else, do you think it would be fun for him even if guys are just friends. He will mind and he might be hurt even if he wanted to let go at the first place.Rather do it the other way round, go out and grab a sex partner while you are busy with your life and waiting for your ex to get ready for a relationship. of which you will move on when things doesn't turn out between you both but at least, no one gets hurt.
Sherrilee Sherrilee 5 years
Casual sex just for fun. Evidently this man thinks of sex more seriously than you or he wouldn't have broken up. Do this guy a favor and have casual sex with somebody else.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
His penis doesn't work right... why would you have sex with him? How would you even have sex? There's something real weird about this situation... "it's so much easier to have sex with an ex when my life is so busy" Are you an international brain surgeon? Since when is it hard to find dick? This isn't a matter of choosing which grocery store is closest... it's obvious sex is meaningless emotionally to you. Which is fine! But don't drag this guy into it. He already has issues. I agree with njau, something doesn't add up.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
His penis doesn't work right... why would you have sex with him? How would you even have sex? There's something real weird about this situation... "it's so much easier to have sex with an ex when my life is so busy"Are you an international brain surgeon? Since when is it hard to find dick? This isn't a matter of choosing which grocery store is closest... it's obvious sex is meaningless emotionally to you. Which is fine! But don't drag this guy into it. He already has issues. I agree with njau, something doesn't add up.
GregS GregS 5 years
Strange and unusual? Sure. Does it hurt him? Isn't he the one that wants you in his life even though you have other men in yours, too? Is he asking you for a committed relationship? Doesn't seem like it. So you have other men and him. If it works and isn't broken, ie not affecting adversely anyone involved, enjoy it. He apparently does. There are some men that will actually get a thrill out of knowing that their wife/gf is with another man. I don't understand it myself, but it's there. It's part of the thrill of swinging, menage a trois, group sex, etc... He could be submissive to you. Like I said, if no one is getting hurt by it and you can talk with him about it, there's no harm.
GregS GregS 5 years
Strange and unusual? Sure. Does it hurt him? Isn't he the one that wants you in his life even though you have other men in yours, too? Is he asking you for a committed relationship? Doesn't seem like it.So you have other men and him. If it works and isn't broken, ie not affecting adversely anyone involved, enjoy it. He apparently does.There are some men that will actually get a thrill out of knowing that their wife/gf is with another man. I don't understand it myself, but it's there. It's part of the thrill of swinging, menage a trois, group sex, etc... He could be submissive to you.Like I said, if no one is getting hurt by it and you can talk with him about it, there's no harm.
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