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Is He the One?

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

I have been with my boyfriend for just under two years now and I still am unable to say whether I can see myself being happy with him for life or whether I think he is the one for me. I've heard that when you are with the "one" you just know that they are right for you, but I have always felt that in a lot of ways my boyfriend and I are not meant to be together.

I love him with all of my heart and it would kill me to leave him, but our relationship has not been an easy one to say the least. I am almost 13 years younger than he is, which adds a lot of complications, but in a lot of ways we mesh very well together because of the age gap. When we first got together we had a hard relationship because we both had to get used to the age difference and the response from other people but that is no longer an issue.

To see the rest of the dilemma,

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He has done a few bad things to me in the past and I am still struggling to build up trust for him again and that is eating me up inside. I also don't enjoy sex with him like I used to because of the trust issues. I feel as though I am no longer enough for him and he needs to access other things like porn, etc. to fulfill his needs. He also never tries to fulfill my sexual needs, but I don't know how to talk to him about it without offending him. He is not all bad; he does treat me very well and cares for me dearly, he looks after me and I know that he loves me. I just feel deep down that God has someone else for me, that this man is not my future, but I'm scared to leave without knowing because I know I will end up back in his arms. What do I do? (Also: I am not with him because I can not get a man my own age. I am very attractive, smart and fun, our relationship just kid of happened.)

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dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
He's dating someone thirteen years younger than himself and what does he do except cheat on you. He should be kissing the dam ground you walk on. He's an old man and needs to give you a ring and a baby before it's too late and you go find yourself someone young enough to give you what you need in the sac and take you to the alter.
sourcherry sourcherry 6 years
He cheated on you (by "romancing" a another woman while you were together and by having "cyber sex", both count as cheating, don't fool yourself). That automatically cancels the goods thing you mentioned: he obviously doesn't treat you well and doesn't care about your feelings. Sorry to be blunt, but that's the way it is. And even if this wasn't enough, he doesn't even try to please you sexually. It's more than clear that this is not a good relationship for you and he's not "the one". Follow the advice everyone is giving you, you won't regret it.
lauraxtc lauraxtc 6 years
I think you know deep down inside that he isn't the one for you. You gotta find the strength to leave. Or you will regret it.
medenginer medenginer 6 years
I think you already know the answers to your own questions and your looking for assurance. You can both work on your issues to make this relationship happen or move on. You have trust issues with him. I think he has respect issues with you and both of you don't communicate well.
runningesq runningesq 6 years
I'm curious --- how old are you guys? Are you 20 and he's 33? Or are you both older? Anyhow, it's a big red flag to me that he doesn't seem to care about pleasing you sexually. While a relationship is much more than sex, both partners should care - and work at! - making the other satisfied. It also sounds like the two of you don't communicate very well. Good luck !
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 6 years
The One is a myth. There are a lot of great people out there, several "ones" if you will. Also, the idea of just *knowing* is romantic, but it doesn't always happen that way. In real relationships, there are doubts and issues to work through. Some people are analytical and others aren't, so some people have doubts where others are just plain blind. That said, I don't think this particular relationship sounds right for you. Good luck.
chillchic chillchic 6 years
If you have to ask, he ain't the one.
dexaholic dexaholic 6 years
ilggh, these women know what they are talking about! They gave me some great advice on how to bring up that I'm not happy with my (now ex) boyfriend. It was hard, but I knew I had to do it. Three months later I am single, about to move into my own apartment, and loving the freedom I have in my life! I know it seems hard and scary to break up, but it sounds like it's what you know you need to do. Life will suck for a while, but one day, sooner then you think, you'll start to be happy again. You'll smile for no reason, and say to yourself, 'so this is what happy feels like!' You can do this, you're stronger then you think.
mamasitamalita mamasitamalita 6 years
notinthemood put it well: You're not a bad person if you break up with someone who was a jerk to you.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
I have to say that you sound unhappy with your relationship based on what you've posted although you defended his action that seems to hurt you. My suggestion is to have a talk/discussion with him, if you've not yet done so, if things don't change and you're getting unhappier, then you know that the relationship isn't meant to be.
ilggh ilggh 6 years
thanks for the advice everyone. it is really helping. i am going to have a huge discusion with him tonight then if i feel unsatified with everything still i will leave him.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 6 years
It is clear that you are unhappy in that relationship. I understand your fears and your concerns; it is not easy starting something new. What I would do if I was in your shoes is that I would break up with him. If I’m not happy and I don’t see that we have a future, I would break up with him. You are missing the chance to be with the person that you feel is right for you because you are with him. It seems to me that you are with him just because you have invested all these years in the relationship and you don’t want them to go to waste and that is a big mistake. Relationships end and being with someone just because you have been through so much together is not healthy and is not good. If you are afraid that after the breakup he will try to get you bag, well, don’t talk to him, don’t e-mail him, don’t answer his e-mails, etc. Life is unpredictable and short; wasting your time on someone that you know you have no future with is something that you will regret.
akanoname akanoname 6 years
I believe that life is all about choices that we make, even the idea of "the one". Based on what he has done to you and the disrespect that he is giving you, I suggest leave him. It is difficult for people to change unless they themselves want to. It is up to you whether you will accept him for what he has done or let it bother you until it drives your crazy. In my opinion, save yourself from future pains. Good luck dear!
notinthemood notinthemood 6 years
You're not a bad person if you break up with someone who was a jerk to you. I've been here... I knew for months that I should break up with someone who wasn't right for me and kept asking people, over and over again, what I should do. I didn't want to have to make that call, especially after he'd "changed". He never changed, he just stopped obviously cheating. The reality, that he doesn't respect you and he's not faithful, hasn't changed. Unfortunately, it sounds like your reason to stay is that you see this relationship progressing to a marriage? (I'm guessing, because that's the only thing in the world I can think of a person would sacrifice so much for.) Would you really want to be married to someone who was okay with treating you like dirt? I don't really believe someone can cheat more than once and then, without counseling and some serious commitment, change and become a good man. I suggest you get out of this relationship and date someone closer to your own age, who's looking for the same things (honesty, commitment) that you are. If this guy is anything like every other cheater I know, he's subtly manipulative and every day that you stay in this situation, more damage is done. In the future, don't put up with crap from someone you aren't married to.
ilggh ilggh 6 years
the bad things he did were a) we broke up october 2008, but before that he started romancing another woman, but while we were broken up he was dating both of us at the same time wihtout either of us knowing, then we found out etc etc ...it was a horrible time because i always felt as though i wasnt enough for him, then we got back together. then last week i found out while we were together he had also been having cyber sex with another woman, nothng eventuated out of it but i still feel as though he is going to do those same things again even though he has shown me in the past year he has changed.
Venus1 Venus1 6 years
For starters, the divorce rate must challenge the issue about knowing when someone is "the one". You also don't elaborate on the 'bad" things he has done. Certainly I don't think the age aspect is an issue but clearly there are difficulties if he is not meeting you needs and you feel you can't speak to him; you must! Overall, proceed with caution and as you are young there is no reason to decide at this point whether someone is the "one". Good luck and best wishes. x
ilggh ilggh 6 years
true, i do have control and yes i am scared of leaving him, but im scared because i dont want to let go of our relationship because along with the bad there is a lot of good. i just want advice from other people as to what they would do in this situation. im young, naive and i want to make a good decision that i will stick to.
notinthemood notinthemood 6 years
Hun, I'm not buying this "It's not my fault" crap. You are the sole decision maker in your life. If you're not happy, it's because you're making yourself unhappy. You know you need to leave this man but you're scared to because you'll feel guilty and think you can't do better. Or you're scared to be alone. Whatever it is, don't pretend like you have no control over it.
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