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He Wants to Be Exclusive, I Didn't Know We Weren't

Group Therapy: He Wants to Be Exclusive, I Didn't Know We Weren't

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

The guy I've been dating for a month just asked me to be exclusive. He then told me he has to break something off with another girl. 

I have put two and two together, and she is a FWB. Is this something I should be concerned about? 

We haven't been intimate yet, and he did say he wants a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with me (exclusively), but FWB is something I would never do myself.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
I think it was good he was upfront about being in other "adult" situations. There is nothing wrong with dating around when you are not being exclusive with someone. Obviously OP, he thinks you are worth giving up extra booty for. Like I said, you should just make sure that he is tested for STD's-go with him, and you BOTH can be tested together. Also, make sure if this girl is going to be around. Some people really do try to maintain the "friends" part from a previous FWB, and for some people that's not acceptable. It's better to be on the same page at the beginning of the relationship. I think its admirable you havn't slept with him yet. I mean, to each his own, but when you think about it, a month isn't that long, and there is nothing wrong with waiting a bit.
LittleMzFit LittleMzFit 5 years
I think it was pretty honest & upfront of him, but some things are just TMI. He should have just broken it off w/ her & not shared all of that with you. (Obviously, it was starting to wear on him. At least he has a bit of conscience.) Unless, he was worried that some point, in the much later future, it would come back to haunt him. So, maybe he really thinks a lot of you!
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 5 years
I can only speak for myself, but I think that scarcity brings value. It's about more then just sex to me. Plus I just don't believe that a few weeks is long enough to get to know a guy in any meaningful way, particularly as they tend to be on their best behavior in the hopes that they can get into your pants that soon anyways. I think someone picking up a loser because they can't hack it on their own has more to do with their ability to be on their own then it has to do with sexual tension. I mean vibrators aren't that expensive these days.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
I guess so many years of marriage have made me forget what it was like before having a constant sex partner. I honestly don't understand why people would wait longer than a few weeks, since that should be plenty of time to determine if they're worth further commitment. In my experience & watching all my friends, sexual tension f@cks up so much in people's lives - they pick up a loser bc they don't want to be without someone anymore, they get all stressed out & cranky, strains all their social interactions, sends mixed signals to their partner, and so on. So why put off sex more than you have to?
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 5 years
Holly brought up a really good point. While I agree that it was tasteless/insensitive to even bring it up, the only way I would make a big deal out of this is if this is a girl that they will have to interact with as a couple. I would probably freak out a little in that case. And BiWife, everyone is entitled to their own choices when it comes to sex, but I (and most of my girlfriends) would NEVER sleep with a guy after dating only a month. And I'm 23, not 15. You make it sounds like an aberration to not immediately fall into bed.
searching-soul searching-soul 5 years
Sorry typo "in love with".
searching-soul searching-soul 5 years
A little insensitive of him to tell you. Unless he had a serious girlfriend it's none of your business who he was hooking up with before you guys became exclusive. His only obligation to you is to end whatever else he had going, with some level of integrity. Anything else is TMI. He sounds like he really likes you though so it's forgivable. As for him having an FWB, most guys have slept with a female or two that they were not on love with. That's just being a guy, it does'nt make him a bad person.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
Why wouldn't you sleep together after dating for a month? Unless the OP is 15 or something, of course
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
She said they HADN'T been intimate yet.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
I don't see a problem here. But it would make sense to distance yourself from him a little bit until he has his arrangements all worked out. You don't want to give him the impression that you're okay with him bringing entanglements into your relationship.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
Maybe I'm odd, but I'd assume that if you'd been dating for a month, you'd be shagging by then & it would be cheating (sort of) to be shagging two girls at the same time without their knowing of one another. It's a big STI issue more than anything else tho.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
BettyWayne, you got a good point, I was thinking that as well (why does he need to tell her about his fwb, it's really none of her business whom he was banging before they got exclusive and it'll create confusion on her part to the point she'll write on an online forum :D). However, yah, perhaps this new guy think that it's better to be open about this. Because if you, OP, found out about the fwb later on (and he's never mentioned her before), it'll create distrust, drama etc, down the road while you guys are already serious. Perhaps he thinks it's just better to lay all his cards on the table beforehand although it does sound tasteless on his part. Perhaps he's learned in the past with an ex-gf how hiding/not telling/omission created more trouble than what he wanted....That's my good/positive guess. Or he's just tasteless as heck. Only you, OP, can really tell. Good luck and oh yah, you guys need to talk about STI test (he can get one and you can get one) before you guys jump to bed and always be safe! Good luck.
fantome14 fantome14 5 years
He seems to be very honest. Look, people should not make assumptions about exclusivity--there is no exclusivity in a relationship until there has been an official agreement. People are not mind readers, and so that's the only fair way to do things (I know we wish men could read minds, but they don't, and the sooner we accept that, the easier our relationships become) . If he's telling you he wants to break things off with this girl for you, then it sounds like he's being completely on the level with you, which is a quality you should value.
528lover 528lover 5 years
It is a wonderful initiative that he is taking. He is a great person to take your and obviuosly his feelings also into consideration to leave his FWB. He could've been selfish and kept his FWB as a side piece, so I say not to worry about anything. You have someone very special in your hands( :
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
I agree with the ladies, I think it's very cool that he can be open and honest with you (in regards of his fwb). I appreciate that kind of honesty esp. when dating. What bothers you though? Is it that he used to have a fwb (not fitting your moral standard) or if he's having sex with her when you guys are seeing each other? It all boils down to your dealbreakers/preference, good luck thinking things :)
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 5 years
Sounds like he's an open and honest guy. Personally, I don't think that having a FWB is a big deal. I've had sex before and not been in love. It wasn't the ideal situation, but we were safe and had some fun. I think that is pretty common. However, the bottom line is that this is important if it's important to YOU. I mean, we all have different morals and world views. What matters to me might not matter to you and vice versa. If you're uncomfortable with him having slept with someone he wasn't in love with, you have to acknowledge it and deal with it. What about it makes you uncomfortable? Do you think it makes him a bad person? Anyway, hope you sort things out.
Silly-Btch-Therapy Silly-Btch-Therapy 5 years
He sounds like a great guy. You're a lucky girl. Don't over think his past. He has been completely open with you about everything. He initiated "the talk" and he was honest about having an FWB. I think that his FWB is the least of your worries. Consider the fact that he was only sleeping with one girl rather than hitting the clubs and hooking up with a different girl every weekend. FWBs are the safest way for a guy to get NSA sex. I have had a few FWBs in my lifetime and it was always much safer. We knew the other was clean, we used protection, I was usually aware if he was sleeping with other women so I knew the risks. Much better than hooking up with a stranger. If you're worried about him having feelings for his FWB... he doesn't. If he did, he would be in a relationship with her instead of going exclusive with you. You have nothing to worry about. Enjoy your new relationship! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Check out my new site at www.sillybitchtherapy.com for more advice and information about sex, love and everything in between.
Rory1225 Rory1225 5 years
If he is breaking it off with her to be with you I don't think you have anything to worry about. He wants to be with you not her. While I too would not have a FWB because I just couldn't emotionally, it doesn't bother me if people have had one in the past, as long as they are with me now.
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