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Hooking Up When You're a Virgin

Group Therapy: I'm a Virgin, but I Almost Had Casual Sex Last Night

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I'm 24 and have never been in a relationship or have lost my virginity. A lot of areas in my life are going great, but I have never been lucky in the guy department. I don't have much experience with being intimate with someone else. I am now at the age where I am getting more self-esteem, more confident, and slowly having a positive view of my body. I have always been self-conscious, so maybe that's a main reason why I haven't been successful with guys.

Last night at a bar, I met a guy and ended up going home with him. I've never done anything like this before. I have dated guys, made out, but never took it to the bedroom. I went all out with him (without insertion). I knew where to stop and I'm not going to lose my virginity to someone I'm not in a relationship with. But I don't feel guilty at all about what happened.

It's unlikely the guy is going to be my bf. I was just having fun. I decided to go to his place because I know I'm a sexual person and I want to get more experience with being close to someone. I loved having someone on top of me, kissing me, etc. . .  I have always wanted to experience that kind of intimacy. I'm aware right now I'm doing this for fun and I honeslty am glad I did it. I feel more confident and comfortable in my skin. I tend to doubt when people say I'm attractive, especially when you are out in a bar. But honestly, I was getting a lot of attention that night — think it's how I'm carrying myself and being happy with who I am. And not just in bars . . . but at work and when I'm out.

I am strangely happy with what happened; the old me two years ago would never do this. There's nothing wrong with doing something like this, is there? I didn't have sex sex with him, but I'm also not going to wait for the right guy to come or to be in a relationship to enjoy myself.

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nordicmaterial nordicmaterial 5 years
Sounds like you had a great night: liberating, fun and good for your self-confidence. You took it further than you were used to, but you drew a line exactly where you wanted it for now. Attagirl! Live a little! I totally agree with karlotta. Besides, these little guilty pleasures give you exactly that sparkle in the eye and cheeky glow which make guys go completely cha-cha for you.
nordicmaterial nordicmaterial 5 years
Sounds like you had a great night: liberating, fun and good for your self-confidence. You took it further than you were used to, but you drew a line exactly where you wanted it for now. Attagirl! Live a little! I totally agree with karlotta. Besides, these little guilty pleasures give you exactly that sparkle in the eye and cheeky glow which make guys go completely cha-cha for you.
karlotta karlotta 5 years
If you feel good about yourself, have no regrets, and had a great night with a guy who treated you respectfully, then cheerios! Keep up this attitude even after you've lost your virginity; suddenly things tend to become different and we go all the way at every hook up, while it can be so nice just to make out and have fun without penetration. I have much respect for the way you're handling yourself, your body, your self-confidence, and the limits you've set in your experimenting. Cheers, girl. Have fun!
juicebox07 juicebox07 5 years
I will never understand why some people will do everything but have sex. In my opinion, any kind of sexual activity is intimate. Not just sex. (You can also obtain STD's from any kind of sexual activity. Not just penetration). Personally, I waited until I was in love before I did anything at all sexual. I am glad I did because I felt better knowing that I shared all those things with the guy I love and not some random guy who was just using me for the night for my body.
cherrygirl5 cherrygirl5 5 years
Hey thanks everyone for the comments! I feel like I picked wisely. I think I'm good at feeling people out and have good intuition, even in this kind of situation (which was my first).Obviously guys are going to butter you up when they want to get in your pants, but before we even got to his place I kept telling him I just want to makeout and not have sex. He kept asking what I wanted to do and I decided to go to his place because I felt comfortable with him. I've madeout with guys who I could tell would pressure me if we took in to the bedroom (which is why I never did with any guy). In bed he kept saying "I won't do anything you don't want to" and I know this sounds silly but he was respectful. But then I'm sure many guys say that in bed at first and then pressure you, but he didn't. And this guy was kinda nerdy and cute (my type), and I knew I'd be fine. It's hard to explain. But yes, I understand the concern and I will always be very careful!! I did tell my close friends, but I felt shy telling them since they've had sex or been intimate with their boyfriends-and they might not get my reason for doing this. I can't truly express to them how I felt and why I did this, and I'm glad to know (reading your comments) others understand how I feel. I am pretty confident I won't have sex when I'm having fun right now, believe me I really was close and really wanted to, but my attitude is I personally cant make myself go all the way. I kinda was freaking out the morning after though, when he was sleeping I woke him up and told him I'm leaving and he smiled and passed out again. I just left because I didn't want it to be awkward. I didn't leave my number on purpose, but now I kinda regret it because I'd want one play buddy, you know? I'd like to stick with one person to do this with. Hope I run into him again. These past two days I've been carrying myself in a way I have never done before. I just feel really sexy and confident,and I swear guys are looking my way more at work, on the subway, etc...so I'm glad I gave into doing something I always think about. Like moose-juice said, I have always felt my virginity was a burden. Granted I still am actually a virgin, I feel better about myself. I am having mixed emotions though, like "I can't believe I did something like that! It was fun, no regrets"...but I think since it's such a new thing for me I'm still processing it.
cherrygirl5 cherrygirl5 5 years
Hey thanks everyone for the comments!I feel like I picked wisely. I think I'm good at feeling people out and have good intuition, even in this kind of situation (which was my first).Obviously guys are going to butter you up when they want to get in your pants, but before we even got to his place I kept telling him I just want to makeout and not have sex. He kept asking what I wanted to do and I decided to go to his place because I felt comfortable with him. I've madeout with guys who I could tell would pressure me if we took in to the bedroom (which is why I never did with any guy). In bed he kept saying "I won't do anything you don't want to" and I know this sounds silly but he was respectful. But then I'm sure many guys say that in bed at first and then pressure you, but he didn't. And this guy was kinda nerdy and cute (my type), and I knew I'd be fine. It's hard to explain. But yes, I understand the concern and I will always be very careful!! I did tell my close friends, but I felt shy telling them since they've had sex or been intimate with their boyfriends-and they might not get my reason for doing this. I can't truly express to them how I felt and why I did this, and I'm glad to know (reading your comments) others understand how I feel. I am pretty confident I won't have sex when I'm having fun right now, believe me I really was close and really wanted to, but my attitude is I personally cant make myself go all the way. I kinda was freaking out the morning after though, when he was sleeping I woke him up and told him I'm leaving and he smiled and passed out again. I just left because I didn't want it to be awkward. I didn't leave my number on purpose, but now I kinda regret it because I'd want one play buddy, you know? I'd like to stick with one person to do this with. Hope I run into him again. These past two days I've been carrying myself in a way I have never done before. I just feel really sexy and confident,and I swear guys are looking my way more at work, on the subway, etc...so I'm glad I gave into doing something I always think about. Like moose-juice said, I have always felt my virginity was a burden. Granted I still am actually a virgin, I feel better about myself. I am having mixed emotions though, like "I can't believe I did something like that! It was fun, no regrets"...but I think since it's such a new thing for me I'm still processing it.
Gdeeaz Gdeeaz 5 years
We actually talked about this type of thing in my human sexuality class last year. A young woman met a random guy, went back to his place and after they already got going she told him she didn't want to go any further. He was furious and ended up raping her. I was shocked to learn this does happen fairly often. And a lot of men who are convicted of rape said the woman was a tease and deserved it. Is being a tease a reason for a guy to rape you? No, of course not. But, there are people who use that to justify what they do. If you really want to do this, then I think you should let the guy know ahead of time what your intentions are. Make it clear that you two won't be having sex. Even then, you need to be very careful.
Gdeeaz Gdeeaz 5 years
We actually talked about this type of thing in my human sexuality class last year. A young woman met a random guy, went back to his place and after they already got going she told him she didn't want to go any further. He was furious and ended up raping her. I was shocked to learn this does happen fairly often. And a lot of men who are convicted of rape said the woman was a tease and deserved it. Is being a tease a reason for a guy to rape you? No, of course not. But, there are people who use that to justify what they do. If you really want to do this, then I think you should let the guy know ahead of time what your intentions are. Make it clear that you two won't be having sex. Even then, you need to be very careful.
Natalie-Love Natalie-Love 5 years
I think it's great you're discovering your sexuality, but my only fear for you would be that you don't actually want to have sex, while the guy you're with might think that's where the night is going. Going almost all the way and then telling a guy to stop should be respected, it's your body, you choice, but I can't help but fear the a guy might be absolutely positive at that point that its all leading to sex. And if this is a man you can't trust, this could be a very dangerous situation. Again, I hope this doesn't sound like I would ever blame anyone for their rape, I am just afraid that a situation like this might be dangerous and traumatizing. I think perhaps finding a fuck/play buddy to experiment with, who you feel you can trust. I wish you the best!
Natalie-Love Natalie-Love 5 years
I think it's great you're discovering your sexuality, but my only fear for you would be that you don't actually want to have sex, while the guy you're with might think that's where the night is going. Going almost all the way and then telling a guy to stop should be respected, it's your body, you choice, but I can't help but fear the a guy might be absolutely positive at that point that its all leading to sex. And if this is a man you can't trust, this could be a very dangerous situation. Again, I hope this doesn't sound like I would ever blame anyone for their rape, I am just afraid that a situation like this might be dangerous and traumatizing. I think perhaps finding a fuck/play buddy to experiment with, who you feel you can trust. I wish you the best!
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Good for you. I don't see any moral issues here. It's your body. Do whatever you like with it. Do watch out for your own safety though. Pick wisely. And it might be a better idea to go to your place rather than his. If you intend to do this often, pick a 'safe buddy' to call at a certain point in the evening. If you don't call at that time or if you call and don't give the code word, she calls the police.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Good for you. I don't see any moral issues here. It's your body. Do whatever you like with it.Do watch out for your own safety though. Pick wisely. And it might be a better idea to go to your place rather than his. If you intend to do this often, pick a 'safe buddy' to call at a certain point in the evening. If you don't call at that time or if you call and don't give the code word, she calls the police.
Pistil Pistil 5 years
I agree with jazzytummy. I don't think there's anything wrong with a one night stand, casual sex, or "fun", but please be careful. I did similar things when I was younger than you, and thinking back, I took some really really stupid chances. I consider myself lucky that none of those encounters went badly (actually, now that I'm thinking about it, there were a couple times I wasn't so lucky). But hey, live and learn right?
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
If I was that guy, I would be pissed. No judgment here on how you want to lose your virginity or how many men you want to bang in your life, but use your brain. The guy could have gotten angry that you were such a tease and hurt you. YOU DON"T KNOW HIM.So many people on this site extol the virtues of casual sex, but rarely talk about the risks. Everyone chants the old " be safe and use protection" rap, but sorry, that won't help you if you are in a strange place with a strange man who may get pissed off with your "going all out without insertion" just for "fun". Lots of psychos out there....USE YOUR BRAIN.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
If I was that guy, I would be pissed. No judgment here on how you want to lose your virginity or how many men you want to bang in your life, but use your brain. The guy could have gotten angry that you were such a tease and hurt you. YOU DON"T KNOW HIM. So many people on this site extol the virtues of casual sex, but rarely talk about the risks. Everyone chants the old " be safe and use protection" rap, but sorry, that won't help you if you are in a strange place with a strange man who may get pissed off with your "going all out without insertion" just for "fun". Lots of psychos out there....USE YOUR BRAIN.
moose-juice moose-juice 5 years
My first encounter was a one night stand and I thought it was what was best, for me. I was glad I had gotten it out of the way, glad that I wouldn't have to 1) explain that I was still a virgin at the age of 21, or 2) lie about/try to hide it it to avoid seeming weird to someone I actually was interested in dating. Not to mention, I wouldn't have to feel ridiculous in retrospect about giving something that I thought was super meaningful to a guy who turned out to be a jerk, like some of my friends. After the fact, I was a lot more comfortable with dating and flirting than I had been before. I realized that, on the inside, I had always thought of my virginity as a burden that was holding me back from a more normal love life. For me, turning the experience into something meaningless with someone meaningless was ideal, but only you know if it what is best for you. There are lots of girls who 'give it up to easily' and regret it later on, but there are also lots of women who look back and wish that they had had more fun when they were young. Your attitude towards sex, how meaningful or meaningless it is or can be is very personal. Don't feel pressured into doing something you don't want to do of course, but also, don't let society pressure you into thinking that there's anything wrong with having fun with it and not taking it to seriously. Just remember to be safe and use protection! :)
moose-juice moose-juice 5 years
My first encounter was a one night stand and I thought it was what was best, for me. I was glad I had gotten it out of the way, glad that I wouldn't have to 1) explain that I was still a virgin at the age of 21, or 2) lie about/try to hide it it to avoid seeming weird to someone I actually was interested in dating. Not to mention, I wouldn't have to feel ridiculous in retrospect about giving something that I thought was super meaningful to a guy who turned out to be a jerk, like some of my friends. After the fact, I was a lot more comfortable with dating and flirting than I had been before. I realized that, on the inside, I had always thought of my virginity as a burden that was holding me back from a more normal love life. For me, turning the experience into something meaningless with someone meaningless was ideal, but only you know if it what is best for you. There are lots of girls who 'give it up to easily' and regret it later on, but there are also lots of women who look back and wish that they had had more fun when they were young. Your attitude towards sex, how meaningful or meaningless it is or can be is very personal. Don't feel pressured into doing something you don't want to do of course, but also, don't let society pressure you into thinking that there's anything wrong with having fun with it and not taking it to seriously. Just remember to be safe and use protection! :)
berry243 berry243 5 years
I understand that a first encounter being a one night stand can be a little disorienting, I've been there myself, but you didn't do anything wrong. You enjoyed yourself, you have no regrets, and you have no illusions about it. Sexuality isn't one size fits all and if this works for you, then it's a good thing!
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
Wanting something does not mean it's right -- wanting to blow some dope doesn't make it the best thing for you. Look to your future and how you want to be known and to live. Control your actions to pursue that dream.
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
Wanting something does not mean it's right -- wanting to blow some dope doesn't make it the best thing for you.Look to your future and how you want to be known and to live. Control your actions to pursue that dream.
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