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The How-To Lounge: Giving a Relationship Another Try

Just because a relationship ends, doesn’t mean that your feelings suddenly come to a screeching halt too. In fact, sometimes without that person in your life, your feelings can grow, and you can be left with the longing to try things over again. Certainly I’ve seen many couples try to give their relationship another go, but not all are successful. So I’ve come up with some things to consider when giving a past relationship another shot. To see them

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  • Some may disagree with me, but I don’t think it’s actually possible to start fresh. The mistakes you made before will always be with you into the future, so there’s no point in pretending that they don’t exist. Instead, embrace them and learn from them. What did they teach you about yourself and each other as a couple?
  • Although it’s possible for people to change, truth be told, unless it’s been a very long time apart or one of you has gone through some serious life-altering events, it’s unlikely that either of you has drastically changed. But that’s OK; it doesn’t mean that it can’t work out. But don’t rely on the “change” you’ve both experienced to fix things. This is going to take real work.
  • You need to be clear about what your needs are, both in the short-term and the long-term. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you’ll just make it work because you now realize how much you love each other. That’s not reality, and just like at the beginning of a totally new relationship those feelings fade with time.
  • Finally, figure out exactly what you want for yourself out of this. Are you willing to do whatever it takes? How long are you willing to put aside to see if it’s working again? These are important questions to keep in mind as you go through this process. They’ll keep you clear-thinking and grounded.

Healing a wounded relationship is a hard road so be ready for the challenges along the way.

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RubberDogTurds RubberDogTurds 7 years
I just started a relationship back up but we were lucky...the only thing we had working against us the first time were that neither of us were ready to settle down so we didn't emotionally open up. I dated around for two years after that, saw what else was out there, and when I was ready to seriously date someone, he was the only one that stood out in my head. I was always too scared to try it again, thinking we wouldn't be able to open up, then a month ago he spilled more feelings in one weekend that in the 5 years I've known him! We now picked back up and I can honestly say this is the first time I see myself ended up with someone. :) It's possibly but kind of rare and only under the right circumstances, is what I'm trying to say.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 7 years
Definitely do what is right for you and don't let other people tell you not to do it. Only you and your partner know all the true details of the relationship so it's up to you two to decide if you want to get back together. I agree with Dear that you can't just forget everything that happened in the past because that is setting you up for some nasty problems later on.
Seka21 Seka21 7 years
Sometimes i die inside when i think of my ex... but i dont know how id ever get over what he did to me enough to let him have another try. Hed literally have to beg, crawl, sing, cry, tattoo my name on his head!! Lol... i love the man im with now.. but i also can see that if we broke up we would try again later... but with the first love dude.. NEVER!
Seka21 Seka21 7 years
Sometimes i die inside when i think of my ex... but i dont know how id ever get over what he did to me enough to let him have another try. Hed literally have to beg, crawl, sing, cry, tattoo my name on his head!!Lol... i love the man im with now.. but i also can see that if we broke up we would try again later... but with the first love dude.. NEVER!
skigurl skigurl 7 years
i love ross and rachel too, but i meant ryan gosling and rachel mcadam!
reactionary reactionary 7 years
my ex and i broke up after just under a year of dating, and didn't speak to each other at all. at the very beginning i hated him, but then i moved on. we both met and dated other people and i never thought about it again until by chance three years later we ran into each other through a friend and then became friends again. and then we fell in love again. and i've never been happier. neither of us ever thinks about the past because we both feel like we aren't even those people anymore. we've both respectively been through a lot and even considering bringing up the past seems childish and unnecessary. it's not necessarily a clean slate, because we both know the past is there, but we both feel like it's not important.
reactionary reactionary 7 years
my ex and i broke up after just under a year of dating, and didn't speak to each other at all. at the very beginning i hated him, but then i moved on. we both met and dated other people and i never thought about it again until by chance three years later we ran into each other through a friend and then became friends again. and then we fell in love again. and i've never been happier. neither of us ever thinks about the past because we both feel like we aren't even those people anymore. we've both respectively been through a lot and even considering bringing up the past seems childish and unnecessary. it's not necessarily a clean slate, because we both know the past is there, but we both feel like it's not important.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 7 years
oh thanks mesayme!! I LOVE THEM TOGETHER EVEN MORE!!!!;)
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 7 years
oh thanks mesayme!! I LOVE THEM TOGETHER EVEN MORE!!!! ;)
Mesayme Mesayme 7 years
sun... I think ski meant Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams.. real people suga :) There is no such thing as a fresh start as if to wipe some imaginary slate clean. It's written in stone, it's history. What it all comes down to is can I live with it and go from here...or is there not enough positive to heal the negative. You have to consider all and your heart will tell you. It'll either be relieved or burdened.
ilanac13 ilanac13 7 years
i agree with a lot of what you said there. i hate when people say they are going to start fresh, because you KNOW that you're going to get into a fight and say 'well you said that you'd never do this again and you are' even if it was from the last time you were together. i think that it's a nice sentiment - just unreasonable. i'm all for giving things another try assuming that you know the reason that you broke up....i think that when you hate each other when you break up - well then chances are your going to end up hating each other again. sometimes though if you were in different places in your life and now you've caught up to each other, or if any number of other reasons, then there's no reason to think that you won't be successful.
ilanac13 ilanac13 7 years
i agree with a lot of what you said there. i hate when people say they are going to start fresh, because you KNOW that you're going to get into a fight and say 'well you said that you'd never do this again and you are' even if it was from the last time you were together. i think that it's a nice sentiment - just unreasonable. i'm all for giving things another try assuming that you know the reason that you broke up....i think that when you hate each other when you break up - well then chances are your going to end up hating each other again. sometimes though if you were in different places in your life and now you've caught up to each other, or if any number of other reasons, then there's no reason to think that you won't be successful.
Alyssa9986 Alyssa9986 7 years
Wow Laura - can definitely relate to the changing number LOL. The thing is...every time I have run into him, he is drunk. And he will literally tell me that he "will never forget my birthday" and that "I am the last thing he thinks of before going to sleep." However, he is drunk when saying this, so how much of that can one believe. One time this past March, I ran into him - he was wasted, as usual...seems he turned to drinking after we ended - and he called me several times that night, almost saying "I love yo-" and then catching himself. I then saw him again at the beginning of the summer, and things were very awkward, to say the least. A lot of...I don't know? Tension? - was in the air, and he could barely look me in the eye let alone sit near me (we were at a friend's house). I've often thought of writing him a letter, but truly, I don't see how it would do any good. I don't even think he'd read it...it was really clear from his treatment of me at the beginning of the summer that I meant - and mean - nothing to him. It's like he wiped me from his mind. Reading articles like this always make me momentarily hopeful...but then I remember the circumstances and feel completely, utterly stuck.
Alyssa9986 Alyssa9986 7 years
Wow Laura - can definitely relate to the changing number LOL. The thing is...every time I have run into him, he is drunk. And he will literally tell me that he "will never forget my birthday" and that "I am the last thing he thinks of before going to sleep." However, he is drunk when saying this, so how much of that can one believe. One time this past March, I ran into him - he was wasted, as usual...seems he turned to drinking after we ended - and he called me several times that night, almost saying "I love yo-" and then catching himself. I then saw him again at the beginning of the summer, and things were very awkward, to say the least. A lot of...I don't know? Tension? - was in the air, and he could barely look me in the eye let alone sit near me (we were at a friend's house). I've often thought of writing him a letter, but truly, I don't see how it would do any good. I don't even think he'd read it...it was really clear from his treatment of me at the beginning of the summer that I meant - and mean - nothing to him. It's like he wiped me from his mind. Reading articles like this always make me momentarily hopeful...but then I remember the circumstances and feel completely, utterly stuck.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 7 years
ski---i think ur referring to ross and rachel...from friends????i love those two together :D
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 7 years
ski---i think ur referring to ross and rachel...from friends???? i love those two together :D
lauraxtc lauraxtc 7 years
Alyssa, I can't really give you much advice because I am still struggling to get over him too. I would probably try to contact him just to see how he's doing and would apologize for the way you broke it off. That at least would bring closure and peace to your life. You wouldn't have to deal with the guilt anymore. I did that to my ex. I wrote him a letter just in case, you know, so he could know how I felt and how he made a difference in my life regardless of how it ended. I also gave him a CD with songs I dedicated. lol. DUMB!!!! lol. I try to avoid areas where he might be during the day because we still live close to eachother and so I keep myself distant and I keep a low profile. I even changed my number. But in your case, try to find closure. its not healthy to live with guilt. You gotta let go by sending him a letter, or something that he can know that you haven't forgotten him and that you are sorry. and even if you dont get back with him, you will have closure and that will help you move on. best wishes.
lauraxtc lauraxtc 7 years
Alyssa, I can't really give you much advice because I am still struggling to get over him too. I would probably try to contact him just to see how he's doing and would apologize for the way you broke it off. That at least would bring closure and peace to your life. You wouldn't have to deal with the guilt anymore. I did that to my ex. I wrote him a letter just in case, you know, so he could know how I felt and how he made a difference in my life regardless of how it ended. I also gave him a CD with songs I dedicated. lol. DUMB!!!! lol. I try to avoid areas where he might be during the day because we still live close to eachother and so I keep myself distant and I keep a low profile. I even changed my number.But in your case, try to find closure. its not healthy to live with guilt. You gotta let go by sending him a letter, or something that he can know that you haven't forgotten him and that you are sorry. and even if you dont get back with him, you will have closure and that will help you move on. best wishes.
CoMMember13630786602261 CoMMember13630786602261 7 years
My ex and I had a very complicated relationship. We were together for a little over a year, then we were broken up for about 2 years, then we got back together and were together for about another year. We just broke up for the last time about 6 months ago. The first time we broke up I was heartbroken, but I was never able to fully move on because I just felt that it wasnt really over between us. We ended up getting back together and moving in together. This last time we broke up I KNOW that it is truely over and I will never be with him again...and Im not so heartbroken. Of course it was hard at first but I realize now that I am way better off without him. Im with another guy now who is the complete opposite of my ex and its making me realize just how poorly he treated me for all those years. I dont regret getting back together with him though, because I learned alot about myself and about other people.
Alyssa9986 Alyssa9986 7 years
Lauraxtc...that really helps knowing that I am not the only one who has experienced this. Do you have any suggestions? The worst part of it is, I still have a lot of guilt for the way things ended. I was young! (19!) Just starting my freshman year of college! My parents had just moved across the country, leaving me alone in LA! I freaked out with all of the overwhelming life changes and his smothering certainly didn't help things...so I ended things over the phone. I still haven't forgiven myself for that. I'm convinced I will never have love again. I wish he knew how sorry I am. BUT. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other...if someone had told me that I would still feel this way 3 years later after breaking up...I'd never have believed them. I still don't understand many, many things.
Alyssa9986 Alyssa9986 7 years
Lauraxtc...that really helps knowing that I am not the only one who has experienced this. Do you have any suggestions? The worst part of it is, I still have a lot of guilt for the way things ended. I was young! (19!) Just starting my freshman year of college! My parents had just moved across the country, leaving me alone in LA! I freaked out with all of the overwhelming life changes and his smothering certainly didn't help things...so I ended things over the phone. I still haven't forgiven myself for that. I'm convinced I will never have love again. I wish he knew how sorry I am.BUT.I just keep putting one foot in front of the other...if someone had told me that I would still feel this way 3 years later after breaking up...I'd never have believed them. I still don't understand many, many things.
lauraxtc lauraxtc 7 years
Love can be beautiful but it can also be PAINFUL!!!! Especially when you fail in a relationship.
lauraxtc lauraxtc 7 years
Alyssa, I can totally agree with you. I can even begin to tell you guys how many times I tried with my ex (who I just recently split with 3 months ago) it went on for 6 years. For about a year we broke it off and dated other people but we would always end back up together. Since he was my high school sweetheart it hard to let go. But I finally did...well kinda. We have parted ways this time. We made a pact to not contact eachtother. I have kept my pact but he called me on my bday good thing i wasn't home. Because that would of probably triggered it. lol. I do miss him and Alyssa, and all the "sad-I-miss-you" songs always remind me of him and when I am drunk I want to call but I haven't and I wont. Too many years I played that game and I am finally seeing someone new who makes me feel good. and yet, I still haven't been able to get rid of our pictures. I have them hidden away in a box. :( Love can be beautiful but it can also be careful. Especially when you fail in a relationship.
lauraxtc lauraxtc 7 years
Alyssa, I can totally agree with you. I can even begin to tell you guys how many times I tried with my ex (who I just recently split with 3 months ago) it went on for 6 years. For about a year we broke it off and dated other people but we would always end back up together. Since he was my high school sweetheart it hard to let go. But I finally did...well kinda. We have parted ways this time. We made a pact to not contact eachtother. I have kept my pact but he called me on my bday good thing i wasn't home. Because that would of probably triggered it. lol. I do miss him and Alyssa, and all the "sad-I-miss-you" songs always remind me of him and when I am drunk I want to call but I haven't and I wont. Too many years I played that game and I am finally seeing someone new who makes me feel good. and yet, I still haven't been able to get rid of our pictures. I have them hidden away in a box. :(Love can be beautiful but it can also be careful. Especially when you fail in a relationship.
Alyssa9986 Alyssa9986 7 years
My ex and I broke up over 3 years ago...we're no longer in contact with each other, but I still have moments throughout the week where I will literally break down and cry because I miss him so much. We've both dated other people but I haven't met anyone quite like him...God I miss him a lot. I think it's too late for us though :(
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