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How Can I Change His Views On Marriage?

Dear Sugar
I have been dating a great guy for about eight months. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He feels the same way, but he recently told me he doesn't want to get married--ever. We discussed the topic of marriage before but it was always in the hypothetical sense. He feels that people change after marriage and that it almost never works out.

I love this man and can't see my life without him. I have a feeling he will eventually change his mind on the subject, but if he doesn't, I would be devastated. I can not see myself living and having children with a man without being married. I've never been one to conform, but marriage is something I've always wanted for myself. Do you think that he would change for me? Wishful Wendy

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Wishful Wendy
You might not like my answer, but it sounds like your boyfriend has made his feelings on marriage pretty clear. If you want to stay with him, I would not bank on him changing his mind. Have you voiced how important marriage is to you before starting a family? Pressuring him into a situation he is against will not make for a happy union and could cause him to resent you.

Marriage is not for everyone and it sounds like your boyfriend has negative preconceived notions and has already made up his mind. Was he the product of a bad divorce or another childhood trauma? Something to think about is that there are lots of happy couples who spend very fulfilling lifetimes together without ever tying the knot. Just think about Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell or Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins.

Although you can't see yourself having children without being married, you have to ask yourself if your ideals are worth giving up for the man you love. If you can not find a middle ground, you unfortunately might have to cut your losses. Please talk to him more about this and think long and hard about what to do before you make any decision. Good luck.

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