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How Can I Get Over His Facebook Flirting?

"How Can I Get Over His Facebook Flirting?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been with my boyfriend for three years now, and several months ago I found out that he was flirting with someone else on Facebook. How much further it went, I don't know, but he tells me that it didn't go past Facebook. Sometimes I still find myself stalking this girl online — not good, I know, but curiosity gets the best of me. When I do, I start to feel uncomfortable again and end up picturing them together. I know this isn't healthy for our relationship and I've decided that I want to get over it, but how do I start? Is it just a matter of time, or is it also his responsibility to help me through this?

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kelsiehoagland kelsiehoagland 4 years
Oh Honey :/ How long ago was he flirting with this girl? If this was something he did a year ago or more ago, accept that he has grown and wouldn't do it again. IF he does do it again, leave. It took me some time to get over some things that my boyfriend, of almost three years, has done (miniscule things!), but I accepted that he's grown out of his old habits. I wouldn't say that it's your guy's responsibility to help you through this because I'm sure that nothing he can say can help you. This is something that you have to do for you. And don't go to that girls damn facebook! EVER! That will only cause more problems. This is some seriously helpful advice that I got from my psychiatrist to help me deal with body dysmorphic disorder related compulsions: Think of the Nike slogan, JUST DO IT. When you get the urge to look at that girls facebook, JUST don't DO IT because you know how much better you'll feel without doing it. Now, if this is something he's done recently (within the last year was the last time the douche flirted with this little skank)....... he's growing into bad habits, which is NOT okay. He should be growing as a person in the relationship. Ask him why he did it. Ask him if there was some unhappiness going on in the relationship and tell him that, if he was unhappy, to come to you next time he's feeling that way first instead of turning to other girls! My very best advice to you is to just let go. Quit looking at her facebook and remember that he loves you and, if he didn't love you, he'd be with her. When significant others flirt, it hurts. And don't let him tell you that it was harmless! Flirting with someone else while in a relationship is never harmless because flirting is a sexual invitation. That's NOT harmless. Also, NEVER let him make you feel bad for being upset about his stupid mistake. If he does, leave. That's a dangerous person. I hope this helps, girl!
Serene18 Serene18 4 years
Well for 1. It is not all up to you to help you get over it, he has taken part in it too, so he must be willing to do the work if he's determined to keep you. 2. I think it will benefit you both, if y'all have a heart to heart conversation. Open up the wall that has been built and talk about anything else that needs to be put out there. 3. As I've stated before, do not look at his fb page. If it helps you (because it may sound impossible to do than saying 'don't do it') you can do random checks of it, if you'd like. Rather than all the time. That way your not obsessing over it and it may be evidence that he is keeping his word.
Raynne413 Raynne413 4 years
You're absolutely right, Henna. To the OP, I was in a relationship where I was actually cheated on, and THAT trust is really hard to regain. Honestly, it just takes a lot of time. I do think that he needs to make an effort to be open with you and show that he is working towards being as open and honest as possible. Past that, I don't know what HE can actually do to help you through. He just needs to keep his promise. Definitely stop looking at Facebook, though. That will drive you absolutely crazy, and I'm truly glad that it didn't exist through my previous relationship. I wish you all the luck. Rebuilding trust is a slow process but I can be done.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
The op's question is "I want to start to get over this, how do I do that." She want's to move on, realizes that reliving this over and over is not healthy for her relationship, and wants to know what to do, if it's all on her shoulders or if he bears some responsibility for helping her move on. I think in all of the back and forth, her question and plea for help is getting lost. This isn't about us, it's about "how do I start to get over this." We've all certainly defined our beliefs, and they are different. Let's agree to disagree, and redirect people's attention to helping the op. "How do I start to get over this." OP, if you have made a new boudry with your boyfriend, and he has agreed to stop this behavior, this flirting which has so distressed you, then you need to trust that he is doing that. You have a history of three years together, so if his behaviors haven't changed, he's not showing signs of inappropriate attentions to other women, then you have a choice. Trust him, or don't. If you are concerned that he hasn't stopped, tell him that, and ask him to volunteer a peek at his fb page. But remember that those peeks need to limited, and can't continue forever. If you can't get to place where you trust him, and that distrust is not based on his actions, but on a fear you have, then your issues is different, it is insecurity and the fix is different. You will have to help yourself over that fear, because if his actions aren't causing the fear, then it's your insecurity that is. We all have them , some insecurities, but we don't have to let them rule our lives. You can certainly let him know that you're feeling insecure, and need some reasurrance from him to help you feel better about yourself and your relationship. You can plan some special "us" time, and make some special effort to check in with each other. But you need, also, to be focused on feeling better, by yourself, as yourself, and with yourself. You need to focus on building your self esteem, your self confidence. Reassurance from others helps, with that, but it is, ultimately, something that you have to do for yourself. I'm sorry we've been going on and on, and hope you can find some info here that helps you. I'm sure this whole thing has been more that you bargained for! Very best of luck with your boyfriend, and your relationship
Serene18 Serene18 4 years
Flirting is a tease of as if saying, "I know I'm saying or doing this but I don't really mean it" or "I know you want it but you can't have it... Well maybe if I weren't with someone" Meaning you could have intentions on doing whatever the hell y'all talk about. Someone else should not know what you would do with them or have that special talk (or winking) that they will normally share with their significant other. If it was just chatting, then we would be using that term and not 'flirt'. Personally if I were doing it... I would not have a Bf because when you flirt that leaves the door open for whoever to ask you anything they want, even if you aren't doing the same, making it look like you were in on it because you allowed it to happen. You will be at fault then. I don't put myself in situations where it would hurt him. I know how guys are when they like to 'flirt' and y'all as women should know how bytches are. If you found out that your man was sending PRIVATE messages to some woman on fb and said he was just flirting with her... Really what would you think? Let's be real here. Go!
BiWife BiWife 4 years
agree with Raynne, and I think the main issue some people are having here is a problem of definitions. Flirting isn't the same as sexual discussions. Flirting is banter, chattiness, some double-entendre, a little wink and a smile, "poking" on FB, etc. The OP never explains exactly what was said/done that constitutes flirting in her situation. Obviously the situation changes depending on what exactly happened.
Raynne413 Raynne413 4 years
Well, I'm only jumping in to make one comment. Personally, I don't view "flirting" as "her man talking with other women about their private parts, sex, and other intimacy". That's a totally different thing to me. To me, flirting is just being chatty, maybe slightly complimentary. Flirting is NOT sexting, dirty pictures, etc. There's a rather big difference between the two. One I don't mind. The other I do.
Serene18 Serene18 4 years
How could a woman feel comfortable about her man talking with other women about their private parts, sex, and other intimacy is beyond striking to me. They shout to call it insecurity because they wish they had a better relationship perhaps. Mimicks "If you don't see it my way, you're insecure because I have no problem with it" Yeah, well start to imagine what else he's doing. If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. His requests won't stop there.
Serene18 Serene18 4 years
^ Thank you. I agree and feel like everything has a truth to it. If he feels guilty about it when it's revealed, he knows it's wrong.
japankami japankami 4 years
Lets face it...would ur bf feel comfortable saying what he does on fb to other women if you were right there in front of him. I don't think so! It may be harmless in his opinion but it's not when it "harms" someone else. Harmless or not it is inapropriate. What starts out as nothing more that flirting can esculate into something else. Anything done behind your partners back with the intent to hide it from them is wrong. Emotional affairs can be just as damaging as physical.
Serene18 Serene18 4 years
I stated that too many times to count, y'all have got to learn to start reading properly and stop jumping the gun just because you see how others respond to what I said. I only said what I said because she was attacking this woman by degrading her and SHE was the one that attacked her for feeling a certain way. Take a look for yourself at her first post. And as I told her, if that is your preference, then so be it. But I was telling BiWife she should not demean the posters character by saying 'Get a life' because she has a preference of her own about her guy flirting. I'm done here. No one in this thread that responded to me, seems to have a mind of their own or knows how to read for themselves.
Serene18 Serene18 4 years
I responded the way I did because of how she was talking to her, it was unnecessary. Like a bully. Padawan I do not care if someone agrees or disagrees with me.
Padawan-Pri Padawan-Pri 4 years
Hectic stuff happening here. Everybody is entitled to their opinion and the benefit of posting here is that you will get a variety of perspectives that will aid the OP to make the best decision for themselves and their particular situation. No one is right or wrong and nothing should be personal as this is anonymous. Serene18, does it really matter if someone disagrees with you? It happens everyday if you are around people who challenge you and aid your growth. You can't force your perspective on anyone, and this is even more so through name calling. OP from my point of view and experience, it depends on the level of flirting. My bf has a very flirty personality but it is just flirting and nothing more. He kinda likes to know he still has it going on although we've been in a relationship for many years. Eg: we went out last week to a fashion show and he spent a good 30mins trying to sweet talk the models with compliments but it was kinda sweet and pathetic as well but no harm done. I think it's completely natural and I also like appreciating (but respectful) glances when I am out. However if the flirting was of a sexual/explict nature I would be very very angry as I do believe that sexting etc is cheating. However those are the boundaries in my relationship, find your and chat to him. You are obviously hurt by this so it probably needs to be addressed.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
BiWife BiWife 4 years
Nice, "miserable old hag" is something I've never been called before. Gotta tell my hubby and gf about that, lol, they'll get a kick out of it. As Henna said, I've been married for 9 years (together with my hubby for 10 yrs tho) and have been fully polyamorous for my entire adult life. Obviously, my unconventional relationships put me in a different worldview from the majority of people who are serial-monogamists and I hope that my differing perspective can help people get a more rounded view of their issues. I'm sorry that you're taking my advice to anonymous person so personally and internalizing it in a way that compels you to wax capriciously loquacious about the advice I've given, as well as how awful I am as a person. Glad you know me so well to be able to make those value judgments. But if you're actually curious to find out what I'm really about, you can follow my polyblog here:
henna-red henna-red 4 years
I didn't tell her how to feel. She asked how do I start to get over this. I told her how to start to get over it. The advice I gave is consistent with the advice I've given to many others with the same issue. BiWifes' info is something she's shared on this blog, available to everyone. If you truly didn't give two wouldn't constantly go on and on when someone disagrees with you. You did make personal attacks on her, as you have continued to do with your "hag" and "worthless content" commets. Again, you complain about something and then you do the very same thing you just complained about. Attack mode is something you seem to respond to and which seems to be a natural state for you at this point in your life, which is something you've demonstrated here pretty frequently. You go into attack mode regularly here, even during this thread, something you can excuse and deny, but the words are on the screen. You can't change something that you don't acknowledge. Your reality, that no one fully trusts, is YOUR reality. It is certainly a reality shared by others, but it most certainly is not my reality or the only reality. I hope that you have an opportunity to learn that it isn't true for everyone by it's becoming true for you at some point in your life. It sounds very much as though your experience to this point has been damaging. I hope you have the opportunity to experience trust given and taken. It may not be a perfect thing, most human things are not perfect. I certainly agree with you on that. As I agree with you about treating others the way we want to be treated. I don't know why that's such a difficult lesson for us to learn as humans, but I certainly know some who've learned it, and lots of us still trying to get there.
Serene18 Serene18 4 years
And Henna half of the time when someone does something they don't realize how much it hurts or affects them until it's done to them. He more than likely did it because he figured she would never see it. I just hope y'all have your lives together like you think you do before you end up with surprises. I'm not saying for her to look through his stuff all the time but in REALITY. No one fully trusts anyone, even if the other isn't up to something. Just because your're married does not mean you should start fucking w/o a condom. Bless your heart if you do.
Serene18 Serene18 4 years
Had she said it better than what she had instead of being in attack mode all the time, I probably would have avoided her post all together since the rest holds no weight.
Serene18 Serene18 4 years
^ I guess you didn't read what I wrote either. I did not define it as cheating. Your addressing the wrong post. You need to address hers because I am the one that said, WHATEVER YOU FEEL IS WRONG FOR SOMEONE ELSE, IS NOT NECESSARILY WRONG FOR OTHER PEOPLE. And I agree that we don't have to agree, that is the beauty of every mind. You called me out a week ago about something I said but you hadn't read what she wrote to the poster about getting a life? Seriously? You cannot read something and say, "Because that person does not think that something like this isn't harmless as I do and I'm older, so I am right" It is sad to think like that. I am young and very mature for my age. I know what I want out of a man. Calling someone insecure for knowing what they want, how they want to live their lives, or how they feel respected overrides the purpose of this board. She didn't ask you gals, "How should I feel?" Like what? You would agree with her anyways seeing how you know so much about her personal life, to know shes been married for 10 years. I could give 2fucks about someone disagreeing with me and I apologize if I gave the impression that I cared. I just don't like the attacking because someone thinks they are right on something. That is the point of a forum, to express. I expressed my views about hers and moved along, as should you. I did not make any personal attacks on her. I assumed she was a miserable old hag because of what I read. Stop riding her coattail and read for your own eyes. Her posts and mine.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
Serene, BiWife's been married for ten years. Her values being different than your has not prevented her from a happy, fulfilling relationship. I hope you will do as well, in your own life. Setting up boundaries is not about babysitting. What you consider to be unacceptable behavior may not be unacceptable behavior to the person you're dating. Letting that other person know what those deal breakers are, is just part of a successful relationship, any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Flirting is a part of social interaction. Lots of people of both sexes flirt and it does not mean that they are passionately humping some person other than their significant other every time it happens! The fact that you, and some others, believes that it's an expression that should only happen between partners doesn't mean that's how the majority of a world population views it. What is common sense for you is just a lack of experience to me. Flirting is a common fact of life between the sexes, and just because someone flirts doesn't mean they are cheating. If it is cheating for you, a deal breaker for you, then you need to let your partner know that. Assuming that your judgement around a certain behavior and your partner's judgement are the same is a mistake that leads to issues like this. To you it's obvious that your significant other only flirts with you. To a lot of other people, including, sometimes, boyfriends, it's a perfectly acceptable, friendly, social thing to do. That's what setting boundaries is about. Sometimes we find out, even several years into a relationship, that there are differences in our definitions, our expectations and behaviors. So we talk about our differences, and adjust, or choose to break up. I'm so happy for you that you seem to know exactly what right and wrong is for you. Perhaps as you mature, you will discover that what you believe is obvious, what you believe is right and wrong is not exactly what everyone else believes, and that they are not necessarily wrong in their standards, beliefs and behaviors, only different. We don't all have to agree here. The benefit of a forum like this is a lot of angles, a lot of differing ages, levels of experience, and views of behaviors. Just because you think someone is wrong, doesn't mean they are wrong. Just because I think someone is wrong doesn't mean they are wrong. We each offer our opinions, our experiences, and even our disagreements up for consideration, and the op can, hopefully, find a voice that touches them, speaks to them, helps them. As BiWife said, if there's a voice here that you don't want to interact with, then don't. You react to what people say, people react to what you say, and if they disagree, or believe that some advice given could actually push a situation further into a damaging place, then they have a right to say that, whether it offends you, or not. Whether you disagree or not. You seem to be easily offended, very thin skinned, and take it poorly every time someone disagrees with. And then you make it personal, and say snarky, rude things to the person who disagreed with you. Disagreements don't have to come with personal attacks and snarky comments, although I'm sure lots of people really enjoy the back and forth, the sarcasm, and the snark. Everything you accuse other's of doing, turning your words around, not reading a posting well, are things that you do yourself, so, perhaps, instead of taking every disagreement so personly, you can learn to take a step back and accept that other people's opinions and experience also have value, even when they are not in line with your voice, your beliefs.
Serene18 Serene18 4 years
Now your calling it insecure... Lol I hope you find and keep a man honey because it doesn't seem like you have any luck with that. ANY man will tell you if allow them to take advantage of you, then they will. As a matter of fact, they probably wont even date you. I didn't say that I hated you, I don't even know you to hate you. Makes no sense. I said dislike because you post and talk like you know it all and that your OPINION is like reading the words from the Bible. A sure thing. I was saying that people have their own sense of feelings, so you can't tell someone how to feel, it has nothing to do with insecurity. You probably see or hear that word so much, that it was the first thing that came to mind. She does not have to accept something and pretend to be ok with it if she's not. I usually do skip posts that I think are not worth reading because either they don't make sense or they don't have anything to say that's worth reading. I now know to add yours to that list. You think it is alright for her to look at what her guy does and just say "Ah I understand that's how he operates" but she's not allowed to know that he would do the same for her? I didn't even read your whole last paragraph, I'm sure it was a waste of information. But not once did I say it was considered cheating, so read before you post. That's the 2nd time you mixed up my words. I pretty much referred that it could lead to it.
Serene18 Serene18 4 years
Henna, that line when you said, "If you don't set up your boundaries when you get into a relationship, then sometimes people move into behaviors that they enjoy, and feel are ok... ? So people have to basically babysit a grown person in order to feel secure in a relationship? That is far beyond bizarre to me. Better advice would be as long as you know how you want to be treated in a relationship, that is how you should treat that person you love. You mean to tell me that some people have to come into a relationship thinking 'well I don't like cheating so let me remind him/her not to do it to me" You see what I'm saying? Some things are common sense and does not have to be marked down or talked about to have a a successful, happy, healthy relationship. And you are having EVERY single talk about that kind of stuff... I can only imagine how miserable it would make you. Just make sure that y'all have a clear understanding of love for each other and commitment. That is all
Serene18 Serene18 4 years
@Biwife I'm reeeally trying not to dislike you. I read another comment from you in another post that I did not appreciate. You are attacking people which is not cool. I got rained on for expressing how I felt about a guy mistreatments of his lady, but for me that was normal behavior of expression as long as I did not degrade anyone . But when you are going from blog to blog saying things like, ' Get a Life', 'People's obsession with certain issues going on in THEIR LIVES ' I'll be honest... It irks the hell out of me! It sounds like you have problems of your own and you come to the board to vent. That's what I'm getting from you. It's not even advice, its just you verbally abusing people and picking a fight by making nasty comments at people. Its disgusting behavior for a woman, it's not cute, and I hope that's not what you do on a daily basis. I actually hope that you are venting. You cannot just tell someone what not to feel. She is human just like all the rest of us. Personal opinion, if you allow your significant other to flirt with people in front of you, imagine what's going on behind closed doors. Flirtation is a sign of saying "I wouldn't mind taking it to another level" If that's your personal preference so be it, but don't put your stamp on it like that's the way it's suppose to be. Respect yourself as a woman, don't put up with bullshit, and Please Get a Clue. And this is coming from a woman who does not complain about a lot, but that to me is crossing the line.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
If you want it to be over, then you have to stop going to the place where you just remind yourself, over and over again. Stop stalking on fb, stop checking into your bf's posts, and stop picturing your bf with someone else. So long as you live within your own imagination of this thing, which, for all you know is, as Bi says, just a game, you will not get over it. "every time I do, feelings of discomfort..." well there's your answer. Don't do it. It's not so much your boyfriends flirting that's making you unhappy, as your constant returning and building more onto it that is causing the upset. You've been together for three years. When you say you "found out" , does it mean you were looking for something? We've been seeing so much lately, about boundaries between couples, that include internet behaviors. If you don't set up your boundaries when you get into a relationship, then sometimes people move into behaviors that they enjoy, and feel are ok, and then find out that their partner doesn't approve. If you've told him that this behavior makes you uncomfortable, and he said he would stop, and then he did stop......then you've created a new boundary. And now it's time to trust the boundary you've created. If you can't, then this relationship isn't going to last. Making someone beg for forgiveness for something that wasn't established as a boundary before it happened isn't going to help you maintain this relationship. Continuing to nag or harp about something that he probably sees as "over" is going to cause stress and anger. So if he isn't showing signs of continuing this behavior that upset you, or any signs of cheating behavior, then you need to let it go. It's in the past. You only bring this up again if the behavior continues, and then, THEN, you have a trust issue. best of luck
BiWife BiWife 4 years
calm down ladies, it's just FB and it's just flirting. I swear, waaaay too much attention gets showered on peoples' every move and comment on FB. People flirt - they're taken, not dead. Especially when it's part of a freakin game online. Chill out, get a life, worry about why you're so obsessed about this kind of thing and fix yourself.
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