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How Can We Build Trust in Our Relationship

"How Can I Make My Boyfriend Trust Me?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I need some relationship help. My boyfriend is overly insecure with me — he doesn't trust me at all and he's had these trust problems since the day we met. He's constantly questioning me when I go out (which I rarely do anymore) and he sends texts like "You're not going out today." It makes me feel bad and then he'll says things like, "I don't go out, so why would you?" He just assumes that I'm going to cheat on him.

I have no boys in my phone besides my dad and as soon as I got a new SIM card, I gave my number out to a few friends but now he won't let me contact them because he thinks they're "sluts" — just because they have friends who are boys. I don't know how to resolve this because I know it's going to end badly. Also, I wanted to go to college, but now I'm going to put that on hold because he can't trust me going there. He says I'll go to college parties and do stuff with boys.

I've never cheated on anyone. All my relationships have been long and I'm just not the type. There is one thing that he uses against me, though, and it's the fact that I got into another boy's car at the beginning of our relationship. It was just a close friend and I was very popular before I met my boyfriend, and going in friends' cars was the norm. The friend was taking me to my boyfriend because he wouldn't pick me up.

He also has my Facebook password in case I talk to any boys, and if boys message me or comment on my photos, he says it's my fault and that I'm an attention seeker. I don't know what to do because I try so hard to make him trust me. I've never cheated and never would. He's controlling my life, but at the same time, I enjoy his company and don't mind not speaking to other people — I'd just like to have the option.

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honestyAboveAll honestyAboveAll 3 years
Ask yourself: why do you tolerate his behavior? Do you control him? Do you think that loving someone means controlling them? Is he the only guy on the planet and is it really necessary to endure this torture just to be with him?
poindexterregan poindexterregan 3 years
Leave him. Immediately. He is a controller and an abuser. Do not hesitate. Get out of there as fast as you can. Go to college, meet other men,  expand your horizons, and have a good life. Don't wait a minute more. Please.
RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 3 years
Please compare your relationship to the diagrams here: http://www.bluegrassrapecrisis.org/education/relationships/wheels.html   One of these wheels represents what a healthy relationship should be, the other what an unhealthy one is. It sounds to me like you can check off a whole lot of things on the unhealthy side. Please consider ending this relationship and being happy on your own, or possibly with someone else. This would be a different story if your boyfriend was aware how abusive his behavior is and was trying to change it, but it doesn't sound like he's trying at all to turn into a better person. He has much learning to do, and he probably can't do that while in a relationship with you, because you're enabling his behavior. If you think you can't live without him, give each other some space - several months at LEAST - during which you both should seek professional help. Then afterwards maybe you can give it another go, because people can indeed change. But they have to want to change.
nicole121482 nicole121482 3 years
Sweetheart, this is called an abusive relationship.  Right now, it's only mental/emotional.  He has slowly cut you off from all your friends, the physical violence will come next!  Get out while you can!!  Any man who truly loves you would trust you and love you for the social being that you are, not try and keep you to himself.  GET OUT!!!!!  Talk to someone who can help you, family, former friend...ect...ANYONE...
Lawruh Lawruh 3 years
RUN...RUN....RUN....RUN....AND RUN   Can you see the RED flags waving???
amvck amvck 3 years
I agree with all of the posts. I hope you read what they all have to say and take it seriously. We don't know you personally but it seems like we want whats best for you instead of your boyfriend. A healthy relationship is built on trust. He doesn't trust you for really bizarre non-existent reasons and you should be offended by it. Not only that but he doesn't support you and want you to succeed and experience things in life. A person who truly loves you would never hold you back like that. He should want you to go to school, want you to have friends and experience life. Would you want to be married to someone like this? Someone that you need permission to do basic things and have friends? The answer should be no. So dump his ass and start living your life. Surround yourself with people who have your best interests at heart. This guy will tell you he loves you blah blah blah but REAL and TRUE love is when someone puts you first and wants what is best for you and this guy does neither. Please listen to our advice and respect yourself. Go to college, you will regret not going for this guy. 
MELayesen MELayesen 3 years
You're putting off college because of him. YOU. ARE. PUTTING. OFF. COLLEGE. BECAUSE. OF. HIM. Because of someone who cannot trust you like the adult that you are. A good boyfriend should support your going to college; in fact, he should encourage it regardless of the fact that you will have to speak to members of the opposite sex on a daily basis (oh, the horror!).   You shouldn't be confused, my girl. You should be INCREDULOUS and LIVID. Who is he to tell you who you can or cannot talk to and what you can or cannot do? He cannot recognize that you are your own person with self-control, and he shouldn't be rewarded with your love and companionship.   A healthy and happy relationship is built on trust. Since yours is clearly built on his need for control, then please realize that you are not in a healthy relationship, and you have to get out for your own sake. Can you see yourself living with his insecurity for the next year? What about forever? I hope the answer is, "No."   Do not even concern yourself with trying to make him trust you. Concern yourself with getting an education and finding someone who appreciates you for who you are and allows you to be your own person. 
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 3 years
OMG.  Someone needs to shake you!!  You are letting this guy literally dictate your every move.  He is mentally abusing you and he's been able to manipulate you so well that you're revolving your entire life around him.  You MUST go to college if you want to.  If you put this off for him you will regret it for your entire life.  This is not what a healthy relationship looks like; he has isolated you from everyone else you know to be sure that he can control you.  Getting into a car with someone of the opposite sex is not something that should be held over you like a good reason to be angry. You have lost your life for this guy but the good news is that you can get it back.  I dated a guy like this for about 4-5 months when I was 18 and first starting college and he too tried the same things.  He would cry when he found out I was walking to class with a few people, guys and girls, and would come visit me on weekends and not let me leave my dorm room so I missed out on almost my whole first semester of social life in college.  I will be totally honest with you and tell you it messed up the rest of my college years.  I'm guessing you're probably around 18 as well so now is the time you need to be meeting new people, going to college to better yourself, and be free to make your own decisions.   This guy is not worth your time or effort and you can't make someone trust you.  The whole facebook thing is just ridiculous, he continues to place blame on you to make sure that you're always trying to please him.  The way he is acting also scares me because he could take this to the next level.  There are a lot of warning signs here of someone who could become physically abusive.  Seek out a family member or good friend and tell them you want to end it and have them go with you.  They can wait outside or near by but I'm scared for you should you be alone.  A guy who has no problems controlling your mind will also have no problems trying to control your body.   I hope you listen to the people here and don't just think that we don't know the whole story or that he really is a good person.  He's not and you deserve way better.  Although I do recommend going to college single; it's one of the biggest regrets of my life that I wasn't.  Good luck.
missbowie missbowie 3 years
I agree with the previous posters. There is no way to make someone trust you if he trusts no one but himself. Break up with him and go to college, but please break up with him in a public place, and have someone ready to take you home immediately after so he can't follow you and convince you otherwise (with lies).
GZO GZO 3 years
WTF. I agree with the previous comments. Go to college. Break free of this douchebag.
GTCB GTCB 3 years
Hmmm... the fact that you actually want to be with guy and are seeking advice on ways to make it work says more about you than him: - You're seriously NOT going away to college because he says so? - You KNOW this is going to end badly but don't want to confront him? - You let him CONTROL who you can see and communicate with? - You were very popular BEFORE you hooked up with him?   So yeah, you have been turned into this guy's doormat.  You are never going to make him trust you because he's a controlling jerk.  Lots of them out there.  Just dump him and move on.  You're young.  Young people have crappy relationships; we've all done it, it's part of growing up.
mrscharles-2007 mrscharles-2007 3 years
You have got to be kidding!  This guy is a control freak, and you need to leave him right now!  You should not ever give up your friends, college, etc. for anyone, especially a jerk like this guy.  Get out now.
bluejay17 bluejay17 3 years
Oh no, girl... Don't walk away from this guy... RUN!! RUN & HIDE!!!
rachelssmiles rachelssmiles 3 years
That was my thought kumia. If someone is constantly accussing you of cheating, sometimes (of course not in every instance) it's because they are projecting. I understand insecurities, but he has put you in his tiny little cage and controls every single aspect of your life. I'm sorry that you are going through this, and you probably feel that you have time invested in him. But in your best interest, I think you should move on. Go to Uni and find someone who loves you and trusts you.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 3 years
OMG. No way, darlin'. Oh please please please leave this man. Please get into therapy. You need to find out why you're letting this man control you, what happened to you that you want to be living like this in the first place. Please be good to yourself, please choose you. I'm so close to begging here because I get so sad reading this post. He is abusive emotionally to you and this will not get better. I know his type. Not good, and there's a huge chance, he's the one cheating on you, and he's just deflecting his indiscretions on you. Don't ever ever give up your dream, education for a guy like this. Or any guy period. Good luck, hun.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
Absolutely, completely, totaly agree with Mary!!!!! If he's been this way since the day you met him, then why are you with him? This guy is only going to continue messing up your life. It doesn't have to end badly, not for you.....but it does need to end! You need to get rid of this guy, there is nothing you can do to fix his issues. They are his issues, his problems and your taking them on and giving in to him is only hurting you, and making his issues stronger. Mary is right! Never give away your dreams, your goals, your ambitions because of a man, a boyfriend, an anything. You are the one in your life that you can depend on, must depend on and you need to do and be the best, strongest, most educated person you can be to do what you want and need to do in life. Don't ever give that up for for this idjit! Again......his problem doesn't stem from anything you do....and there isn't anything you can do to change his mind or his suspicions. They don't come from you, they come from his insecurity, and the only one who can fix his insecurity is him. The only person who can make your life what you want it to be is you. Go to school!!!!! Lose this guy. Reclaim your dream, and tell him and his crap to get lost!!! You don't need this in your life! good luck to you girl.
missmaryb missmaryb 3 years
You are not going to college because he doesn't trust you? Tough love time....NEVER EVER AND I REPEAT EVER LOSE SIGHT OF YOUR DREAMS BECAUSE OF A MAN!!! You need to kick this insecure dream thief to the curb and live your life for you. You are young and you have so much ahead of you. This guy is just holding you back and you are enabling him by ditching college and staying home all the time because he thinks you will cheat. Please, honey, lose the dead weight and get your butt to college.
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