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How to Control Emotions

Group Therapy: Need Advice on Controlling My Emotions?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I feel that my inability to keep my emotions intact is hurting my relationship. It is not like I am yelling and screaming at my boyfriend when something goes wrong. It is more like I feel like I am unable to control my thoughts when something veers off course (e.g. he cancels plans when we had them and this leads me to think he is hanging out with someone else) and this is what is pushing me to do something that I regret later. I think I may have slight trust issues that may have lingered on from when he lied to me at the beginning of our relationship, but I have told myself to put that behind us. I feel absolutely terrible when I do this and feel that it is some sort of mental issue or there is just something I need to do to control myself. Any advice?

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daisydutch daisydutch 4 years
I used to be all over the place. Everyone knew pretty much everything about me, I'm sure I was viewed as a drama queen by many.What changed me was my parents' divorce - I just shut down. Sometimes it takes a harsh experience to learn to control your emotional expressiveness. I probably wouldn't have changed much otherwise. And some people need to ruin something before they truly realize they're doing it wrong.As for trust issues - please get counselling. I had an overly insecure, paranoid ex... I came out broken, bruised and battered. I loved him so much and his paranoia made me give up parts of myself just to make him happy. You might end up hurting someone who really loves you, and you'll end up the way you feared most; alone. Please work on it.
daisydutch daisydutch 4 years
I used to be all over the place. Everyone knew pretty much everything about me, I'm sure I was viewed as a drama queen by many. What changed me was my parents' divorce - I just shut down. Sometimes it takes a harsh experience to learn to control your emotional expressiveness. I probably wouldn't have changed much otherwise. And some people need to ruin something before they truly realize they're doing it wrong. As for trust issues - please get counselling. I had an overly insecure, paranoid ex... I came out broken, bruised and battered. I loved him so much and his paranoia made me give up parts of myself just to make him happy. You might end up hurting someone who really loves you, and you'll end up the way you feared most; alone. Please work on it.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 4 years
I'm going to tell you right now, that my boyfriend and I went throgh something like this in the last month, and it's been a HUGE factor in our relationship. Here's teh story, and how we're dealing with it:So my boyfriend accused me of stealing from him waaaay back even before we started dating. I told him multiple times I didn't, and I knew in my heart I took nothing. As a teenager, I ran with a really bad crowd and did those things, losing my HS job, and just, not building myselfl ike I should have. I told him about all that, which was what made him test me, and his confidence that I'd stolen from him was so strong...yet eventually we got over it and started dating. 5-6 months later, we've been through a good 3-4 arguments, all based on trust. From that first stealing incident, his trust in me only got more and more lost, as was our relationship. It got to the point where we were crying in each other's arms one moment, and a day of work brought all the fighting back. Eventually, we got down to the problem, and we (believe me when I say I didn't suggest this, he did) decided to get some good solid relationship councilling. He knew a few people and hooked us up, and today, we're still going strong, rebuilding trust and understanding each other a lot better. Our biggest weakness was communication, and we're workingo n overcoming that hurdle. But both fo us know we love eacho ther to the ends of the earth, and I think that's what's important when you make your decisions. I agree with ChrissyLee when she says you said you've put that past situation behind you, but you really haven't. I would suggest you talk to a counsillor personally to find ways fory ou to get over your own trust hurdle, because you're the one hurting your relationship. The way I look at my relationship now is that if I put my trust in my man and he comes back and breaks it, then it's on him, not you. You trusted, and did the right thing. If you'd decided not to trust, then the fault is on you. Good luck, and remember why you love this man, because that's a huge factor that helped me, and I think you can definitely benefit from the answers to that as well.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 4 years
I'm going to tell you right now, that my boyfriend and I went throgh something like this in the last month, and it's been a HUGE factor in our relationship. Here's teh story, and how we're dealing with it: So my boyfriend accused me of stealing from him waaaay back even before we started dating. I told him multiple times I didn't, and I knew in my heart I took nothing. As a teenager, I ran with a really bad crowd and did those things, losing my HS job, and just, not building myselfl ike I should have. I told him about all that, which was what made him test me, and his confidence that I'd stolen from him was so strong...yet eventually we got over it and started dating. 5-6 months later, we've been through a good 3-4 arguments, all based on trust. From that first stealing incident, his trust in me only got more and more lost, as was our relationship. It got to the point where we were crying in each other's arms one moment, and a day of work brought all the fighting back. Eventually, we got down to the problem, and we (believe me when I say I didn't suggest this, he did) decided to get some good solid relationship councilling. He knew a few people and hooked us up, and today, we're still going strong, rebuilding trust and understanding each other a lot better. Our biggest weakness was communication, and we're workingo n overcoming that hurdle. But both fo us know we love eacho ther to the ends of the earth, and I think that's what's important when you make your decisions. I agree with ChrissyLee when she says you said you've put that past situation behind you, but you really haven't. I would suggest you talk to a counsillor personally to find ways fory ou to get over your own trust hurdle, because you're the one hurting your relationship. The way I look at my relationship now is that if I put my trust in my man and he comes back and breaks it, then it's on him, not you. You trusted, and did the right thing. If you'd decided not to trust, then the fault is on you. Good luck, and remember why you love this man, because that's a huge factor that helped me, and I think you can definitely benefit from the answers to that as well.
MsChoo MsChoo 4 years
I know when im mad or upset I can act pretty irrationally. So I tell the other person, hey I need to be alone and cool off before I do or say something stupid. Once you are calm, it is a lot easier to think rationally about the situation. Find something you can do alone that calms you down, yoga? music? read a book? eat? video games?
Gators0913 Gators0913 4 years
This may be way off course, but have you thought about a timing pattern of these "outbursts?" Your comment about thinking he was with someone else after cancelling plans hit home for me. A few years ago I used to have similar mood swings that threatened to affect my relationship. I don't have the previous indiscretion issue that you have with your boyfriend here, but I still had lots of irrational/negative thoughts. It wasn't until a few months in that I noticed those feelings were always worst during my week of inactive birth control pills. I'm not blaming the whole thing on PMS, but I switched to a form of birth control with lower estrogen levels, and it definitely helped. I'm going a step further and having an IUD placed later this week.Again, this may have nothing to do with your issues, but if someone had brought it up to me a few years ago I probably would have figured it out a lot sooner.
Gators0913 Gators0913 4 years
This may be way off course, but have you thought about a timing pattern of these "outbursts?" Your comment about thinking he was with someone else after cancelling plans hit home for me. A few years ago I used to have similar mood swings that threatened to affect my relationship. I don't have the previous indiscretion issue that you have with your boyfriend here, but I still had lots of irrational/negative thoughts. It wasn't until a few months in that I noticed those feelings were always worst during my week of inactive birth control pills. I'm not blaming the whole thing on PMS, but I switched to a form of birth control with lower estrogen levels, and it definitely helped. I'm going a step further and having an IUD placed later this week. Again, this may have nothing to do with your issues, but if someone had brought it up to me a few years ago I probably would have figured it out a lot sooner.
talanted08 talanted08 4 years
It's not easy to forgive and forget but once you do forgive let it go b/c the more you dwell the more you lose control of everything. Trust is hard to keep when your partner done you wrong but if you love him then try not to get all caught up in that roller coaster of dwelling in the past! There is only so much we can handle and if you felt that mistake he made before was forgivable then sit back and think if the one he just made is easy to forget!Stressing over what you think you may know isn't going to do a bit of good until you've heard the truth! Communication is key to a solution and if counseling is something both of you will consider doing, then go for it!
talanted08 talanted08 4 years
It's not easy to forgive and forget but once you do forgive let it go b/c the more you dwell the more you lose control of everything. Trust is hard to keep when your partner done you wrong but if you love him then try not to get all caught up in that roller coaster of dwelling in the past! There is only so much we can handle and if you felt that mistake he made before was forgivable then sit back and think if the one he just made is easy to forget! Stressing over what you think you may know isn't going to do a bit of good until you've heard the truth! Communication is key to a solution and if counseling is something both of you will consider doing, then go for it!
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 4 years
It probably wouldn't hurt you to see a counselor or therapist about these issues, there is nothing wrong with getting help when you need it. The first step is admitting you have a problem, which you've done, so now you will be open to fixing it. It is always hard to move on when someone breaks a trust with us, but you decided to put it behind you and really haven't done that. You need to decide whether or not you can really move on and trust him again, if you can't then you should look at whether or not you want to be in this relationship.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 4 years
It probably wouldn't hurt you to see a counselor or therapist about these issues, there is nothing wrong with getting help when you need it. The first step is admitting you have a problem, which you've done, so now you will be open to fixing it. It is always hard to move on when someone breaks a trust with us, but you decided to put it behind you and really haven't done that. You need to decide whether or not you can really move on and trust him again, if you can't then you should look at whether or not you want to be in this relationship.
Littlej1991 Littlej1991 4 years
it sounds like you cant get over what happened before involving the trust issue (which is fair enough)i think you need to talk to him about this and if hes a good guy he'll understand and do his best to make you feel comfortable, but theres only so much he can do, you obviously need help with trying to get over it and build up your trust again. i agree, a counciller would help! although, are you sure it wasnt anything major that he did that doesnt deserve to be forgiven for? it might be that you just WANT to get over something but deep down you know it was a big deal thats why you can't trust him? I don't know just a thought.
Littlej1991 Littlej1991 4 years
it sounds like you cant get over what happened before involving the trust issue (which is fair enough) i think you need to talk to him about this and if hes a good guy he'll understand and do his best to make you feel comfortable, but theres only so much he can do, you obviously need help with trying to get over it and build up your trust again. i agree, a counciller would help! although, are you sure it wasnt anything major that he did that doesnt deserve to be forgiven for? it might be that you just WANT to get over something but deep down you know it was a big deal thats why you can't trust him? I don't know just a thought.
lcrox07 lcrox07 4 years
I think you might need to see a couselor. But if it helps at all, if any of the rants you have as a result are through text... remember... most phones are capable of doing drafts of text first. Write your text and save it as a draft. Go back 30 minutes later then decide whether or not you want to send it. Makes a big difference.
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