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How Do I Fall Back In Love With My Boyfriend?

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now. We met in high school and are both 20. He's an amazing guy; he would do anything in the world for me and accepts me for exactly who I am. We've been through some very difficult times together. He was there when my mom passed away, and I helped him deal with his parents shunning him when he decided to move in with me. On paper, I love him more than I can say.

The problem is that I'm realizing that I'm not longer truly in love with him. We've been going through some issues lately — I was on the patch and it completely killed my libido. Our sex life has been virtually non-existent for the last six months, and even now that I'm on another birth control, I have trouble physically and emotionally being intimate. It's been very difficult on our relationship, to the point where I feel sometimes like we're more roommates than a couple. Basically, I miss us.

I feel like I need to fall in love with him again, but I don't know how. We live together, and I feel like that makes things difficult as far as finding romance again. I desperately want to save this relationship. I just can't figure out how to get my head back to the way it used to be. Does anyone have any advice to get the spark ignited again?



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bee-luv300815 bee-luv300815 8 years
hon i think u need 2 get creative NOW!age iz not d issue,my babes an i had known each other for 13 years an in a serious relationship 4 61/2years.life took us places that we never though would come, but even thought things was not peachy always the TRUE love wil never die
shannon_xo shannon_xo 8 years
i also agree with Popgoestheworld on this one. Believe me, I've been where you are. I'm 23 years old and have been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years and we have lived together for two. It's unrealistic to expect the butterflies to always be there and it took a little while for me to adjust to what our love has become because it was different. But at the same time it feels right. Of course, there are times of romance and giddy-love, but not all the time like when we started dating 5 years ago. I think what we have now is much more special and likely to last a long time. However, I also recommend seeing your doctor re. birth control.
shannon_xo shannon_xo 8 years
i also agree with Popgoestheworld on this one.Believe me, I've been where you are. I'm 23 years old and have been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years and we have lived together for two. It's unrealistic to expect the butterflies to always be there and it took a little while for me to adjust to what our love has become because it was different. But at the same time it feels right. Of course, there are times of romance and giddy-love, but not all the time like when we started dating 5 years ago.I think what we have now is much more special and likely to last a long time.However, I also recommend seeing your doctor re. birth control.
MissChita MissChita 8 years
Hello, To me, it sounds like you are no longer 'in love' with your bf b/c your sex life is not as good as it used to be. So, if that is the case, are you basing your feeling for him on the goodness of your sex life. If so, then in my opinion, you were never really in love to begin with. Your priority is sex. And I agree with allison, you should speak with your gyno and see what can be done to get your hormonal levels back in check, so that your libido will be back to normal. But do you truly feel that if that part is corrected, your feelings for your bf will come back? I hardly think so. And you are young; have you thought about the fact that you may be growing tired of being in a relationship. You guys started dating in high school, unmarried, been thru a lot of stuff, and having a lot of sex (before the birth control issues) all before the age of 21. Just a thought. Also, how is your bf handling this situation? Is he supportive, or has he become distant as well? You guys just need to sit down and talk and get all of your feelings (espcially you) out on the table. If you decide that you want to try to make the realationship last longer, try going out on a date. Get out of the house a little bit. Go have some young 20 year old fun together! And come back home and make it happen (you know what I mean). You may just need to spice some things up a little bit. If after some time and some trying this still doesnt work, it may be just time to let it go. It may be indeed that your relationship with your bf has ran its course and you may need to experience life as a single woman for a bit. Doesnt mean go and act buckwild, but find out what you really want and just take some time to grow up a little bit before being in such a serious committed relationship. --Best of luck to you!!
MissChita MissChita 8 years
Hello, To me, it sounds like you are no longer 'in love' with your bf b/c your sex life is not as good as it used to be. So, if that is the case, are you basing your feeling for him on the goodness of your sex life. If so, then in my opinion, you were never really in love to begin with. Your priority is sex. And I agree with allison, you should speak with your gyno and see what can be done to get your hormonal levels back in check, so that your libido will be back to normal. But do you truly feel that if that part is corrected, your feelings for your bf will come back? I hardly think so. And you are young; have you thought about the fact that you may be growing tired of being in a relationship. You guys started dating in high school, unmarried, been thru a lot of stuff, and having a lot of sex (before the birth control issues) all before the age of 21. Just a thought.Also, how is your bf handling this situation? Is he supportive, or has he become distant as well? You guys just need to sit down and talk and get all of your feelings (espcially you) out on the table. If you decide that you want to try to make the realationship last longer, try going out on a date. Get out of the house a little bit. Go have some young 20 year old fun together! And come back home and make it happen (you know what I mean). You may just need to spice some things up a little bit. If after some time and some trying this still doesnt work, it may be just time to let it go. It may be indeed that your relationship with your bf has ran its course and you may need to experience life as a single woman for a bit. Doesnt mean go and act buckwild, but find out what you really want and just take some time to grow up a little bit before being in such a serious committed relationship.--Best of luck to you!!
evenxstarx evenxstarx 8 years
True friendship is the core to every relationship, and it seems to me like you guys definitely have that. I agree that you should try a new birth control method .. I've been on ortho tricyclen lo for about 2 years and my sex drive is still totally normal for me (and I like to get some on a daily basis, lol) .. Other than that I'd have to disagree about spending more time together .. Maybe go away for a week if you can, stay with your parents or take a nice little vacation by yourself. After a few days apart you'll realize how much you miss him, your conversations, and hopefully simply the fact that you miss him next to you at night. I wish you guys all the luck in the world :)
kurniakasih kurniakasih 8 years
I'm w/ pop in this one. I love my hubby very much and I do think the intense butterfly (uncertainty feeling) has passed, BUT, it still comes and goes depending on the occasion. I still very much feel passionate about him, but just not every single minute/second of the day feeling like that (not like when the first time we were together). Now there are other matters involved: kid, money, job, etc involved so unfortunately the intensity has subsided some, but still there. Yours may just be dormant right now because you're just coming off a birth control that's not working well w/ your libido. I don't think you should 'force' yourself to feel 'butterflies,' but you may want to have a talk about how to spice things up with your bf. If your libido hasn't come back yet, you probably want to consult your doctor again. Until then, try spicing up your love life, and just make an attempt for BOTH of you to try and reconnect too beside sex, make date nights and do things you guys aren't normally used to doing, etc. If he's not very welcoming to the suggestions and uninterested in making any attempts to 'have fun' with you, then since you're very young, you may want to explore your option. Good luck. *Unconditional love is a beautiful thing, just be sure to give it AFTER your conditions have been met.*
kurniakasih kurniakasih 8 years
I'm w/ pop in this one.I love my hubby very much and I do think the intense butterfly (uncertainty feeling) has passed, BUT, it still comes and goes depending on the occasion. I still very much feel passionate about him, but just not every single minute/second of the day feeling like that (not like when the first time we were together). Now there are other matters involved: kid, money, job, etc involved so unfortunately the intensity has subsided some, but still there. Yours may just be dormant right now because you're just coming off a birth control that's not working well w/ your libido.I don't think you should 'force' yourself to feel 'butterflies,' but you may want to have a talk about how to spice things up with your bf. If your libido hasn't come back yet, you probably want to consult your doctor again. Until then, try spicing up your love life, and just make an attempt for BOTH of you to try and reconnect too beside sex, make date nights and do things you guys aren't normally used to doing, etc. If he's not very welcoming to the suggestions and uninterested in making any attempts to 'have fun' with you, then since you're very young, you may want to explore your option.Good luck.*Unconditional love is a beautiful thing, just be sure to give it AFTER your conditions have been met.*
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
You know, "in love" and "love" are two very different things. Maybe I'm jaded but I don't have the expectation of being "in love" with the same man my whole life. I mean, the butterflies are great, the can't-get-enough sex is great, but ask anyone who has been married for 10 years if any of that still applies. A good, long-lasting relationship is based on compatibility and friendship and respect. There will still be moments of being "in love" but it just won't ever go back to that giddy place full-time. I think the divorce rate in this country is so high because we expect to feel a certain way in relationships that just isn't practical. That said, there have been some good suggestions about spicing things up and trying to reconnect. And also, you're young, so go explore if you want. But don't be surprised when you feel like this again with your next BF of 3 years you are living with.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
You know, "in love" and "love" are two very different things. Maybe I'm jaded but I don't have the expectation of being "in love" with the same man my whole life.I mean, the butterflies are great, the can't-get-enough sex is great, but ask anyone who has been married for 10 years if any of that still applies. A good, long-lasting relationship is based on compatibility and friendship and respect.There will still be moments of being "in love" but it just won't ever go back to that giddy place full-time.I think the divorce rate in this country is so high because we expect to feel a certain way in relationships that just isn't practical. That said, there have been some good suggestions about spicing things up and trying to reconnect.And also, you're young, so go explore if you want. But don't be surprised when you feel like this again with your next BF of 3 years you are living with.
luisamapacha luisamapacha 8 years
You're young. This relationship has run its course. Move on.
SweetKisses103 SweetKisses103 8 years
I can really relate to your sturggles. I met my boyfriend in high school. We started dating his senior year while I was a college freshman. We've been dating for over two and half years now. A few months back I was feeling the same way you are. We don't live together but we spend a lot of time together. We were fighting a lot (me starting it) which was something that we never really did before. We weren't having fun in our relationship anymore. At the beginning we would go out all the time and just really loved being together but that's all worn off now. But after a few really good conversations with my boyfriend, we're back on the right track. We haven't had a fight or disagreement in over a month which is a huge improvement from at least one a week. One thing we did was started doing a date night once a month. What makes this unique is that we take turns planning the date. These are not your typical dates with dinner and a movie. It's a way of learning more about each other. For my date I'll pick something that I like to do, say going to a place and watching blown glass and even doing a little bit together with an instructor. One month my boyfriend took me to the art musuem in town since he enjoys that and then we went to a resturant that he really likes. This way I learn more about what he likes and his interests and he can learn more about me. It's been really fun but sometimes it can just be hard to find a day that works for both of us since we're pretty busy. I also had the same side effects from birth control. The first type I was on was very hard on me. It made me depressed and hopeless feeling. Of course, it killed my libido and that was hard on both of us. I hated it. I would cry over nothing sometimes. So I talked to my doctor and switched to a different kind. My libido still isn't where it was before the pills but birth control is important to me and my boyfriend so we deal with it. It's helped us both become a little more creative and adventurous. Through the stuggle, I feel that my boyfriend and I have grown. We were able to work through this and it gives me hope for our future together. I wish the same for you. Good luck.
SweetKisses103 SweetKisses103 8 years
I can really relate to your sturggles. I met my boyfriend in high school. We started dating his senior year while I was a college freshman. We've been dating for over two and half years now. A few months back I was feeling the same way you are. We don't live together but we spend a lot of time together. We were fighting a lot (me starting it) which was something that we never really did before. We weren't having fun in our relationship anymore. At the beginning we would go out all the time and just really loved being together but that's all worn off now. But after a few really good conversations with my boyfriend, we're back on the right track. We haven't had a fight or disagreement in over a month which is a huge improvement from at least one a week. One thing we did was started doing a date night once a month. What makes this unique is that we take turns planning the date. These are not your typical dates with dinner and a movie. It's a way of learning more about each other. For my date I'll pick something that I like to do, say going to a place and watching blown glass and even doing a little bit together with an instructor. One month my boyfriend took me to the art musuem in town since he enjoys that and then we went to a resturant that he really likes. This way I learn more about what he likes and his interests and he can learn more about me. It's been really fun but sometimes it can just be hard to find a day that works for both of us since we're pretty busy. I also had the same side effects from birth control. The first type I was on was very hard on me. It made me depressed and hopeless feeling. Of course, it killed my libido and that was hard on both of us. I hated it. I would cry over nothing sometimes. So I talked to my doctor and switched to a different kind. My libido still isn't where it was before the pills but birth control is important to me and my boyfriend so we deal with it. It's helped us both become a little more creative and adventurous. Through the stuggle, I feel that my boyfriend and I have grown. We were able to work through this and it gives me hope for our future together. I wish the same for you. Good luck.
kenziebaby kenziebaby 8 years
sometimes you can't fall back in love, but for a try -make a memory box/scrap book of all the little things and pictures you have; plot out your relationship from the beginning and remember everything great, tender and important -recreate first dates, bust out your high school prom dress, etc. -check yourself, give him credit as a man-- he is there for you unconditionally, it seem BUT REALIZE HE IS CAPABLE OF HAVING DOUBTS TOO let that sink in and realize how you would feel if you didn't see him as granted best of luck!!
kenziebaby kenziebaby 8 years
sometimes you can't fall back in love, but for a try-make a memory box/scrap book of all the little things and pictures you have; plot out your relationship from the beginning and remember everything great, tender and important-recreate first dates, bust out your high school prom dress, etc. -check yourself, give him credit as a man-- he is there for you unconditionally, it seem BUT REALIZE HE IS CAPABLE OF HAVING DOUBTS TOO let that sink in and realize how you would feel if you didn't see him as grantedbest of luck!!
ExpressionEleven ExpressionEleven 8 years
I was in a similar situation myself and I'd recommend speaking with your doctor about a new form of birth control. Aside from the fact that you recognize it's having a negative side affect on your libido, I've read that birth control pills/patch can alter your natural sense of pheromones and as a result, you might be more inclined to choose inappropriate partners (or find yourself strangely no longer attracted to someone you once were.) I don't know how much truth there is to that, but as I said, I went through something similar to your own situation and I did try several different types of birth control pills/patch without much luck (aside from lost libido, I was also suffering from mood related issues, was becoming increasingly absent minded and was struggling with physical issues such as chronic fatigue, excessive food cravings and significant weight gain.) My partner and I sat down and agreed that I should take some time off from the pill just to see if I really noticed any real 'change'. In the first month, I started to feel like I was 'me' again and wasn't constantly 'in a foggy state of mind'. In the following three months I was able to stay awake for an entire day (and go back to my active life style!), my food eating habits returned to normal and I gradually returned back to my normal weight and my partner noticed a TREMENDOUS improvement in my personality throughout the entire process. Sadly for him, the libido was last to return (and I'm SURE that was his primary motivation for me to off the pill, lol.) It did come back though (along with what I thought were my lost 'feelings of love' for him) as I approached month 4. Moral of the story? I guess birth control pill is meant for some and not for others :-p. Thankfully, there are so many other options out there (maybe not as convenient, but options nonetheless.)
ExpressionEleven ExpressionEleven 8 years
I was in a similar situation myself and I'd recommend speaking with your doctor about a new form of birth control. Aside from the fact that you recognize it's having a negative side affect on your libido, I've read that birth control pills/patch can alter your natural sense of pheromones and as a result, you might be more inclined to choose inappropriate partners (or find yourself strangely no longer attracted to someone you once were.) I don't know how much truth there is to that, but as I said, I went through something similar to your own situation and I did try several different types of birth control pills/patch without much luck (aside from lost libido, I was also suffering from mood related issues, was becoming increasingly absent minded and was struggling with physical issues such as chronic fatigue, excessive food cravings and significant weight gain.) My partner and I sat down and agreed that I should take some time off from the pill just to see if I really noticed any real 'change'. In the first month, I started to feel like I was 'me' again and wasn't constantly 'in a foggy state of mind'. In the following three months I was able to stay awake for an entire day (and go back to my active life style!), my food eating habits returned to normal and I gradually returned back to my normal weight and my partner noticed a TREMENDOUS improvement in my personality throughout the entire process. Sadly for him, the libido was last to return (and I'm SURE that was his primary motivation for me to off the pill, lol.) It did come back though (along with what I thought were my lost 'feelings of love' for him) as I approached month 4.Moral of the story? I guess birth control pill is meant for some and not for others :-p. Thankfully, there are so many other options out there (maybe not as convenient, but options nonetheless.)
luckyme luckyme 8 years
I think you guys need to reconnect. Spend a weekend away together. Do something fun that the two of you used to do together (for my husband and I, this would be going to a concert. With the baby now, that is something we rarely do). I agree with Alison, relationships inevitably end up in ruts. It's totally normal, especially if you have been together for a while. What I would not do is sit around and wait for this to pass. Work at it, see what's at the root of feeling less than you have before. Maybe it is just the sex...maybe not having that physical connection has really put a damper on things. This may sound less than romantic, but make an appointment (at least with yourself, you don't have to tell him) for sex. Be it Wednesday night, or whatever, just know that that night, you're going to get frisky. I really had to push to get back into that part of our life after having a baby. Now that I have, it's great and I don't have to make "appointments" anymore. Good luck!
luckyme luckyme 8 years
I think you guys need to reconnect. Spend a weekend away together. Do something fun that the two of you used to do together (for my husband and I, this would be going to a concert. With the baby now, that is something we rarely do).I agree with Alison, relationships inevitably end up in ruts. It's totally normal, especially if you have been together for a while. What I would not do is sit around and wait for this to pass. Work at it, see what's at the root of feeling less than you have before. Maybe it is just the sex...maybe not having that physical connection has really put a damper on things. This may sound less than romantic, but make an appointment (at least with yourself, you don't have to tell him) for sex. Be it Wednesday night, or whatever, just know that that night, you're going to get frisky. I really had to push to get back into that part of our life after having a baby. Now that I have, it's great and I don't have to make "appointments" anymore.Good luck!
alison3001 alison3001 8 years
You should talk to your gyno or perhaps a sex therapist about getting your hormone levels tested. The birth control you're taking can possibly be affecting your hormones which is the reason why your sex drive has been low. They can possibly put you on hormone therapy. Women of all ages have had this problem and have had to go on hormone therapy. Aside from that, think of different ways to make the bedroom more exciting. Explore both you and your partner's fantasies and run with it. It sounds like you are still connected to him emotionally which is half the battle with intimacy issues. I would suggest going to a sex store and purchasing some items. Perhaps even making a date of it and going with your boyfriend. Also, sometimes couples get into a routine which can cause a rut in the relationship. Try to remember that feeling when you first met and fell in love. You should "re-date" him - go on silly dates together - mini-golfing, bowling, going out to eat, etc. You need to tap into those feelings that you had when you first met and fell in love. If none of this works, you need to evaluate your situation and your true feelings for him. You say that you are no longer in love with him but is that merely because your sex life has been non-existent? Sex is not everything in a relationship but it is still important. Sometimes when you really aren't in love with a person anymore then nothing will help but to move on and part ways. Good luck!
alison3001 alison3001 8 years
You should talk to your gyno or perhaps a sex therapist about getting your hormone levels tested. The birth control you're taking can possibly be affecting your hormones which is the reason why your sex drive has been low. They can possibly put you on hormone therapy. Women of all ages have had this problem and have had to go on hormone therapy.Aside from that, think of different ways to make the bedroom more exciting. Explore both you and your partner's fantasies and run with it. It sounds like you are still connected to him emotionally which is half the battle with intimacy issues. I would suggest going to a sex store and purchasing some items. Perhaps even making a date of it and going with your boyfriend. Also, sometimes couples get into a routine which can cause a rut in the relationship. Try to remember that feeling when you first met and fell in love. You should "re-date" him - go on silly dates together - mini-golfing, bowling, going out to eat, etc. You need to tap into those feelings that you had when you first met and fell in love.If none of this works, you need to evaluate your situation and your true feelings for him. You say that you are no longer in love with him but is that merely because your sex life has been non-existent? Sex is not everything in a relationship but it is still important. Sometimes when you really aren't in love with a person anymore then nothing will help but to move on and part ways.Good luck!
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