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How Do I Go From Booty Call to Relationship?

"Am I Just a Booty Call, or Is This Going Somewhere?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I met a guy online and we talked for about a week before deciding to get together. We met up downtown when we were both out with friends and I ended up going home with him. We talked until 5 a.m., but then we slept together. He was very considerate and made sure I was OK with doing it. Later I asked him if he could see us dating — because I don't want to be that girl he just sleeps with — and he replied "Yeah, I think you're awesome."

We've hung out a few times now, but it always ends with us in bed. He has met my friends and I've met his; I feel like he wouldn't bother trying to impress my friends or introducing me to his if I were a true bootycall. He is really sweet. A mutual friend, who has known him for a while, told me that he's a great guy and his buddy even said he's marriage material. I just want him to invite me over to spend time with me, not meet out downtown and go home at 2 a.m. or call me at 11 at night to come have a drink and "hang out." The one time he invited me to the pool with his friends I was busy, so I'm afraid I'm giving off the vibe that I don't want anything serious. I've joked about him taking me out on a date, but he hasn't asked yet. I'm thinking of backing off and letting him chase me if he wants to, because I'm afraid to come off as too clingy, since we really only met in person two weeks ago. 

I guess my question is, how do I get the message across to him that I'm not that girl, nor do I want to be, that he can just call at night when he's drinking? I don't want to suggest dates, because I'll come off as clingy, but I don't want to ignore him either. What should I do?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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scarlet722 scarlet722 4 years
this is tricky. if you truly weren't "that girl" you wouldn't have acted like "that girl." so telling him you're not normally like that or you don't usually sleep with guys right off the bat, whether true or not, will get you nowhere. since you did it with him, he'll think you're a liar. he may already see you as a booty call, so you have nothing to lose if you tell him how you feel. tell him at this point in your life, you are looking for a relationship and not just a hookup, and ask how he would feel about actually dating you and see where it leads. you DO NOT have to feel obligated to sleep with him just because you already did. the only way it's not going to end up with just hanging out and then with you in his bed is if you don't let it. if he truly is a good guy, he will understand. don't ignore him completely, but if he drunk texts you at 1am don't respond. it will not come off as clingy if you tell him you want to get to know him better outside of the bedroom. don't say it was a mistake to sleep with him though, cause that could be taken the wrong way. so just tell him how you feel. don't make it too serious, just be honest and ask that he is honest too. but you do need to be prepared for the fact that he may not be interested in chasing you, because he's already had you. you say you aren't that girl and never want to be, and whether it works out with him or not, let this be a learning experience. guys will frequently lose interest as soon as they feel they have "caught you" i.e. got you in the sack, so you need to make sure you don't put yourself in this situation again. giving a guy what he wants right away will NEVER make him more interested in you as a person, only as a piece of ass. trust me on that one. good luck, i really hope it works out for you.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
Girl, move into the modern age and ask the guy out yourself. Stop waiting for him to do all of the heavy lifting. If you want a different definition for this thing you two have started, then act differently. If all you are willing to do is wait for him to possibly do something rather than actually acting on your own initiative, your own desire, then you're leaving all responsibility for what happens up to him. That's a really poor way to find happiness. Show him what you want, and what you don't want. You're half of the equation, you need to be willing to make half of the effort to get to where you want to go.
steph1234 steph1234 4 years
You asked "how do I get the message across to him that I'm not that girl, nor do I want to be, that he can just call at night when he's drinking?" Well, the answer is obvious...you already are that girl! stop being THAT girl! You slept with him on the first night you met! You come over when he calls, with the exception of 1 night....that, dear, is you being that girl. I agree with the others, talk....be serious, not just joke about it. Nothing is wrong with good communication, in fact that is one of the foundations for a great relationship. If that is what you want, then try real communication about your expectations, his expectations, etc.
testadura67 testadura67 4 years
"how do I get the message across to him that I'm not that girl, nor do I want to be, that he can just call at night when he's drinking?"Say this: "I'm not that girl, nor do I want to be, that you can just call at night when you're drinking." Try that. Asking for what you need isn't clingy, it's healthy. This stereotype of the clingy obsessive girl has been drilled into peoples' heads to the point that they think that asking for anything makes them needy or desperate. It's ridiculous. Ask for what you need. It's the only way you'll know if this is the guy who will give it to you. If he's not, no big. Move on and find the one who will.
modafiniljunkie modafiniljunkie 4 years
If you brought up going on a date as a joke, then you haven't really brought up the subject.  Tell him "I think you're a cool guy and would like to go on a date with you."  Then see what his reaction is.  Being direct isn't the same as being clingy.  If he doesn't want to do it, then you have your answer.  If he does, then you get what you want.  Either way, your "relationship" is stalled and can't move forward with passive-aggressive hints and wishful thinking.  
BiWife BiWife 4 years
I highly doubt he sees you as just a booty call, guys don't hang out with their friends along with just a screw-buddy, and it sounds like you guys are "dating", it just didn't happen through a formal asking-out-situation. If you want him to take you out, then ask him to take you out. If you'd like to do things earlier in the day but previous attempts haven't worked out with scheduling, then let him know that's something you would like and are disappointed that it hasn't worked out in previous situations. Guys are very straight-forward, keep it simple, don't play games like hard-to-get.
plmnko plmnko 4 years
Suggesting dates isn't too clingy at all,if you think that will scare him off then you already know he only wants sex. The only way to get to the end of it quickly is talk about it. You'll either find out hes ready to date,or sees you as a sex partner only. And you don't want to just be a sex partner,and his feelings wont change if you just keep hanging around. Be direct,tell him you're looking for a relationship. If he backs off he wasn't worth it to begin with. But you need to find out now where his head is at before you get too wrapped up in him.
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