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How Do Married People Fix Major Issues?

"How Do Married People Fix Their Serious Issues?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I think I have some serious fear of commitment. Not that I fear from committing myself to someone, rather, If I love someone, I would dedicate and commit myself fully and completely to him. My issue lies in my huge phobia of being cheated on. The more I fall in love, the more I panic over him betraying me.

I have been in this serious relationship with a wonderful loving man for one and half year now. I have had my moments of weakness when I've made a fuss over nothing due to my insecurities, but I've been working on them and I have been fairly better. Another issue that I suffer from: I am a quitter. In the beginning, every time we had a fight I broke up with him and he was the one who fixed everything. That was the beginning, now I feel more of a mature person. I have learned to work through our problems rather than breaking off the whole thing.

My boyfriend proposed to me some months ago, and I said yes. I know you might think that I'm not prepared for this. but I want to remind you that I also have my wonderful qualities and I deem myself as a good mate.

The thing is, all this time I felt kind of safe because there was always the "way out." I could always break up with him if I were unappreciated or cheated on. But when I become married, I don't want to think about divorce. (Having two divorced sister makes divorce even more of a phobia for me and also my parents.) I mean let's say after 5 years of living together, he suddenly changes and tell me he does not like how I look. If a single woman posts an issue like this, you would all tell her to dump him and look for a better person. What if she were married and with a child? What if she talked to him and he did not change? I mean, everybody can be wonderful today and change drastically in 5 years. What is she ought to do then?

I want to know how married couples fix issues like cheating, trust issues and self image?

I would appreciate comments from married people who do face whole lot of issues but fix them and have a successful marriage? (If there are any!)

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously on Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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friendlyfriend friendlyfriend 4 years
Another piece of advise is to not let your relationship define you. You should still be able to do things on your own, exercise, go out with friends; do things that make YOU happy. When people in relationships do this, it's easier to deal with cheating spouses or other difficult problems because you have something that defines you and you are not only defined by your relationship. Sometimes people could get completely lost in relationships and when cheating happens, it's as if it's the end of the world. Keep yourself happy. Be independent. If any of these terrible things happen to you, you'll be able to deal with them appropriately. However, if you feel that you are not ready for marriage, say something now. You should be able to. You seem to be very concerned over how your fiance will view you physically; whether he'll think you're attractive enough or not. I say, YOU decide if you're attractive. YOU need to feel good about yourself. Do YOUR part of the relationship, and let him do his. Terrible things happen whether people are married or not. We are only responsible for ourselves, so keep yourself sane and healthy. Best of luck.
steph1234 steph1234 4 years
We have gone through struggles, death, miscarriage, the birth of our children, financial difficulties, differences of opinion on how to raise our children, etc....and we are still going fact...those difficult situations have made our relationship stronger. As for your issues with need to get that under control....I had the same issue and my husband and I had difficulty because of caused distrust.....but we got through it. And 10 years after our wedding day, I look much different...a few more wrinkles here and there...a couple of grey hairs here and there, and 20 lbs heavier....but he loves me...despite everything and still tells me I'm as beautiful to him now as I was then. Marriage isn't a fairytale. But I truly believe it is what you make it. You have to work hard...learn one another....learn not to be selfish and to put each other before your own self and don't give up at every sign of trouble. But first of all, you have to be sure you are ready for it and that you know this guy is the one for you. And noone can tell you have to decide.
steph1234 steph1234 4 years
Ok..since no good advice has been given as of is my honest take. I have been married for 10 years. People do change. It will, circumstances, ideas, religious views, political views, outer appearance, attitudes, values, and beliefs....they all make you who you are and they all change with time. For example, my husband fought in Operation Iraqi Freedom. I am so proud of him. He was basically on the front lines and saw lots of horrendous things. The result? he came back changed. His view on me didn't not change, but he was a different person.....and yes we had difficulty because of it. But we worked through it. Before we married, we decided that there would be no 'back door' in our marriage (meaning the idea of divorce)...some people may call that idealistic, however that was something we felt and still feel very strongly about. We made the decision that if we were going to get married it was with the understanding that this was a 'till death do us part' thing and we were determined to make it work. And we have....
henna-red henna-red 4 years
Y'all make me smile, and cry LOL!! The great, great about this site is the group. The many voices, and points of view and varied experiences. When someone asks my personal advice, and I'm not sure that my advice is good enough, I know that there are other voices, other people with the experience I don't have, who see and say the things that I miss, and when I'm wrong, I can count on someone here telling me they disagree. That is truly what makes this site so valuable. That, and the opportunity it provides for me to learn and to meet some great new people.....I'm blessed by your words. Thanks you both so much. :)
Mandana85 Mandana85 4 years
Hi Bubbles, thank you so much. Yes, True about Henna, and I should probably mention it that there has been times when I privately asked her for an advice and she, after giving me her golden words of course, has asked me to post the Question for you too! I'm with her in that. you are just as wise! hmmm, I'm so happy I post here!
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
Hi Mandana, that is so cool you just wrote what you did about Henna, waiting for her response. Just a few days ago I wrote to her that sometimes when I read a letter I get the feeling it was written explicitly to hear from her. You nailed it, she is truly committed to helping others and she's all about quality, consideration and the occasional bad-arse thump. Congratulations on the engagement again. Happy times!
Emilie3083725 Emilie3083725 4 years
 @fminis ????
Mandana85 Mandana85 4 years
Henna, you're even committed to this group. there has been several times when you have come back to a post several days later, telling the OP that she has been in your mind, and you update your advice. That is why I come back here, and post here. because I know you would be here to answer.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
Mandana, one thing I will say about my own experience, which does not include marriage, is that I used to think of myself as a commitment phobe. I've been a bit a gypsy with a lot of things, work, relationships, and have only started to settle down this past several years. I used to think of commitment as that "for the rest of my life" thing, which I just couldn't imagine. I still can't, not really, imagine doing anything for the rest of my life.....however, I realized, one day that I do commit. But for me, it's today. I wake up and fulfill my responsibilities so well as I can, every day. And then one day, I wake up, and realize I've been working for a company for three years, and then for five years, and I have friendships that have lasted for 30 years, and 50 years, and that I've just bought a house, and my intention is not to ever move from this house.....which makes my intention "for the rest of my life" :) And for the first time, I actively hope that something is. But, even if it's not, if something unforseen change this goal, this commitment, I know that the most important commitments in my life....the people who are special to me and for whom I am special, will be there. Because I will, every day, try to do what I need to do to keep them. So for me, commitment is today. I will do my best today. I can imagine today. I can project today. I can work to fulfill my responsibilities today. I can work on my challenges and enjoy the cool weather, and dig in my garden, and talk to And when tomorrow is today, I con do it again. And don't you know, when I wake up some time next year, and see that I've met my obligations to my household, and my friends and myself for the last year, why it seems that.....I am committed. :) Just a matter of perspective.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
(and I think you're going to have a lot more than just two years to make everything work, and you won't be working on it alone! :))
henna-red henna-red 4 years
I think you got great advice from people with experience Mandana. :) It's very exciting to hear about the probability of your engagement, I'm rooting for you and your guy! You're a smart, loving, motivated woman, with goals and hopes for your future, and you've found a good man to share all of those things with. And you always look for solutions to problems, you're willing to reach out and ask for help, and you have the intelligence to keep the info that works for you and jettison any that might not work for you. I hope that all of your hopes and ambitions will come to pass and I have faith in your ability and your determination to accomplish everything you're aiming for. love you girl, blessed be :)
Mandana85 Mandana85 4 years
and by the way, probably I'm going to be engaged for two years. so I 'll have a lot of time to make this work. ;)
Mandana85 Mandana85 4 years
I posted this. and thank you all for your helpful comments. Bubbles, yours made my day ;) I waited for Henna to post a comment, but I guess I lost that chance by asking for married people's opinion. My mistake :( Thank you miss Maryb, Helen, Cassie, ByWife, sour cherry and all. you are all right. I need to work on ME. not on him. the pressure, insecurities and phobias sometimes grow so challenging to make me want to forget about getting married. sometimes the insanity hits so hard as to make me believe (really believe) that no good would come from this. But I guess everything in life has its own risks and by sitting around and waiting for that flawless thing to happen, you would make that impossible to happen. So I have to take my chances and work on these fears. Thank you, again. Love you all
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
Deep breath. You'll be OK regardless. Why? Because you are going to make the most important commitment of all -- to yourself -- in these crucial areas: 1) Because you've got a traumatic history that has overwhelmed your ability to react to what is in front of you, you need to commit to therapy and/or real life group support so you have outside perspectives (not friends or relatives -- objective sources) to help you when you are unsure. All of these people should make you feel better about yourself, not less sure. 2) You commit to being kind to him because any verbal poop from you will come back. Be the person he can believe has his back. Politeness, kindness and reliability, especially when you don't want to be, is the thing that makes one another each others best friends. So no derogatory eye-rolling, silent treatments, or "nothing is wrong!" when something really is. 3) Commit to creating a full life that includes close friends, hobbies that truly interest you, and push yourself to do things that are scary and ultimately make you proud of yourself. Your own self-esteem is the most important gift, it will allow you to let *him* be more of a person, and even make mistakes. You're just not as easily rattled by others when you're confident. 4) Commit to yourself that if he, for whatever reason, were to become an abusive person or no longer acts like a partner you have the financial and community support to be able to leave immediately and broker any kind of relationship triage in a way that you are safe and protected. That includes a commitment to having only children than you yourself could support. Death, divorce, disablement are other things that could happen that leave you holding the largest share of responsibility. So...less focus on him, more focus on how you can make your world dependable. Finding a true partner is an incredible bonus to life. Congratulations!
fmminis fmminis 4 years
 @Emilie3083725 nice photo of yourself ...
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
oh my gosh, this could have been written by me a few years ago. I came into my current relationship with baggage galore from a guy who cheated on me for two years. Nothing was wrong with my now-fiance, I had no reason to suspect anything was wrong, but my crazy pants brain would be like BUT WHAT IF!!!!!! It took three years of consistently every time being sure he was always being honest with me to get over it in a real way. And ever since that happened, our relationship has been smooth sailing. I still get an occasional "omg, but people change so much, and what if we both change, and we grow apart,and then we get a divorce, and I'll be like 50 then, and trying to find a guy, and they're all dating 20 year olds....." but those are only flashes and I shrug them off now. If this is really just worry-warting for you like it was for me, and not a gut response or rational fear based on something you know about him, then feeding into that isn't really living life, you know? you could be single your whole life and be 100% safe from divorce. But is that what you want? Even when you do everything right, marriage is a risk. But I think it's a risk worth taking. with that said, a long engagement until you can let those fear roll off your back would probably be a good thing. oh and super helpful comment, fminis. smh.
Cassieleigh Cassieleigh 4 years
As a married woman - a mostly happy, sometimes (rarely) pissed and miserable - married woman, here's what I have to say on the matter: 1) You're right to not even think about divorce. If you assume that there is an out, you'll take it. So put it out of your head. It's not an option. But then... what happens if all your feared scenarios take place? 2) Here's the thing about marriage, it's actually quite simple: marriage is deciding everyday, sometimes every minute, that you are married. The decision to say "yes" when they ask you is saying yes to putting the other person before yourself. And having faith, that they're saying the same to you by asking. That's the ticket: a relationship - and especially marriage - is a two-way street. It takes faith and trust in the other person and your self to consistently be oriented for their needs. If your husband needs to reassure you that he won't cheat, then he needs to - and you need to have faith and trust in him. If you need your husband to find you attractive, then you need to make the effort be that for him - and ask how you can be more attractive for him. It's not going to hurt to ask. If your husband needs you to fight for him instead of giving up - then fight!! If you love each other, you'll do what the other needs. You've made it so far so it's unlikely that you both won't be able to give each other what you need. 3) You've already said that you've come a long way in your journey - well marriage is just one more of the thousands of other steps you'll take together. Keep checking in with each other on where you are in life, what you want out of life, and what you need from each other. My husband and I have this kind of conversation - just to make sure we're on the same page (even when we're not on the same page on every issue) about every 6 months to a year. (It's not scheduled, just whenever we feel the need for it.) And if you want a specific, for our marriage, it's about kids. Consistently, I've not been ready (or really even wanting) kids since we got married. I don't think that'll change. It will change for him. Eventually he'll want them, and as I love him (and I'm sure I'll love whatever kids we pop out), I'll have kids for him even if I'm doubtful. I guess the bottom line is, if you think you can love your guy and put him first for the rest of your lives, trusting he'll do the same for you - that's the biggest internal battle. Sounds like you've already won it. Good luck!!
BiWife BiWife 4 years
The commitment involved in getting married is a decision. You make a decision, a conscious choice, to be with that person for the rest of your life. In that decision, you are saying that the benefits in the relationship outweigh the risks so that you are confident in pledging your life to this person. Of course it's possible that someone will change drastically after you're married, but you should know that person well enough by the time you get married that you can gauge whether or not that is likely to happen. I think you need to revisit the "am I ready for marriage" question. The concerns you have are very common, but display a lack of confidence in your relationship. Have you been cheated on by a previous partner? Did any of your fights involve an issue of trust? You have to be able to trust your spouse, and you have to be honest with yourself about where your level of trust is. If you aren't able to trust him and yourself, you aren't ready. That doesn't mean break up or it's going to be another decade before you're ready - just make it a long engagement and make sure the foundation of trust (and communication) is there before you sign the dotted line.
Emilie3083725 Emilie3083725 4 years
First of all, fminis. I am French, and we do not assume that every single man is homosexual. Which kind of stupid stereotype is that???Married couple (and yes I am married) sort out their issues because they commit fully from the beginning. If you already have doubts, then why marry him? Why not wait and sort out your commitment issues first? Talk to him about it or a professional (no shame about it!) to figure out why you are so scared.   As for sorting issues such as "cheating, trust issues and self image", trust shouldn't be an issue, cheating isn't an issue either, it's a breaking point and self image should be sorted before the wedding. I mean, how much are you planning on changing in the next 5 years? :-) 
fmminis fmminis 4 years
The french and Italian already assume a man has a woman on the side...if he doesn't he's assumed homosexual...C'est la vie ...
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 4 years
Yours is a great question. I guess the first step is to decide to stop being a quitter. The next time you get into a disagreement with your boyfriend, stick with it and listen to his side of the issue. Train yourself to do that by doing so repeatedly. It's not a matter of one person being right and the other one wrong. As a couple, it is up to both of you to figure out how both of you can have what you want. That means taking his needs just as seriously as you take your own.
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
Well I'm divorced so I can't speak as someone who has worked out all the major problems. We couldn't do it. But one thing I learned from my experience is that you can't just throw your hands up and walk away without it changing every aspect of your life. My advice for you? If you aren't feeling ready and you have major issues, don't do least not yet. I would strongly recommend that you and your fiance see a counselor now, and lay everything on the table. Do this now, before you are sitting in front of a counselor 5 years down the road, trying to fix what's already broken. Follow your gut. If you can't do it, don't do it just because society expects you to get married, have babies, the white picket fence, etc. I hope you have already expressed these fears to your boyfriend. If you haven't please do...sooner rather than later. Be true to yourself and be fair to your boyfriend. Good luck.
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