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How Do You Know When You're Settling?

Group Therapy: How Do You Know When You Are Settling?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I feel as if I am settling with my boyfriend. He is in the army reserves and works with a marketing company that requires him to showcase products around the United States. I would say about 85 percent of his job requires him to travel. The army reserves keep him busy once a weekend and sometimes they require him to stay on base for longer periods of time.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like he ignores me. He communicates with me on a daily basis whether it's text messages, phone calls, e-mails or web cam. I also see him at least once or twice a week and sometimes more when he is local with his job. I sometimes go to visit him down at base for the weekend but it's very limited since they have certain regulations about visitors.

We have been together for three years and this is how it's always been. Last year he was working on a marketing project that successfully went overseas and he asked if it I wanted to stay together. He offered to skype and e-mail and even call when he got a chance but for me I couldn't do it. So we broke up.

I then started going out with another man who had more time to invest in me and I started to fall in love. He wanted to get married and have kids and in no way was I ready for that; not like I am now.

We broke up and five months later my ex returned and said that he opted out of doing any international work because he missed me so badly and wanted to be back together. We are now together and things are the same as they have always been. I know some women would say that I'm asking for too much but now that I have experienced what it is to have had someone physically there for dates and quality time. I must say I favor that instead of the one to two nights a week of just watching tv or playing scrabble.

Am I asking for too much people? Am I settling or am I not settling? I'm beginning to lose interest in my boyfriend and am starting to wonder what else is out there.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 4 years
If you even have to ask this question, you probably are settling. Sometimes the most important part of a relationship is timing; whether you are both in a place in your lives where you can make the relationship priority and devote the time it needs to be healthy. If you need more than he's giving you then you have to ask for it, although after three years this will probably be a huge surprise to your guy. If he's happy with the way things are finding out that you're not could be a huge hit to his self esteem. Getting him to change may be harder than you think. If he's willing to try harder to give you what you need then you may have found a good one, but if not it may be time to move on. You say you're losing interest, is that going to be reversible? You don't want to make demands on him, have him change his life, just to walk away because it's really about him and not about how often you see him. Sometimes we can love someone and really just not be meant to be with them. Time to do some inner digging to figure out whether or not you actually want to still be with him.
testadura67 testadura67 4 years
It's not about asking for too much, it's asking for what you need. If you need someone who you can see more often than once or twice a week, then that's perfectly ok. But ask yourself if you're losing interest in this guy because of the schedule or because of the guy. Schedules can be changed, if he's so inclined. But asking him to change his schedule to stay with you when you're losing interest in the person wouldn't be fair. If you've fallen out of love with him, the schedule is irrelevant.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
You're settling if you are not happy in the relationship (which it sounds like you're not) and if this isn't just a rough patch (which it sounds like it isn't). You sound like you're ready to move on, and I think that would be the right thing to do.
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
Dahliadreamer is right on. If you're dissatisfied, and things haven't changed, he either needs to make those changes he promised or you need to let him go and indeed go see what's out there. Good luck.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 4 years
An ex is an ex for a reason. Did he say he would change to be with you, or are you just with him because of his sweet words? If it's the latter, don't worry: I would have done that too. But, it's the stupid thing to do, obviously. It sounds like he hasn't changed, and you're getting back into the void you were in the first time you were with him. Best thing I would suggest is that you talk to him about this. Tell him what you need from him, and that if he can't do that then you need to move on. Remind him of what you did for him the second time, and that it takes two to be in a relationship.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 4 years
An ex is an ex for a reason. Did he say he would change to be with you, or are you just with him because of his sweet words? If it's the latter, don't worry: I would have done that too. But, it's the stupid thing to do, obviously. It sounds like he hasn't changed, and you're getting back into the void you were in the first time you were with him. Best thing I would suggest is that you talk to him about this. Tell him what you need from him, and that if he can't do that then you need to move on. Remind him of what you did for him the second time, and that it takes two to be in a relationship.
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