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How Do You Make Friends After Breakup

Group Therapy: How Do You Make New Friends at 36?

This question comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

My six year relationship just ended. I allowed it to absorb most of my life and as a result i am not as close to my friends as I was. I cant help but feel like the odd one out as I've missed out on quite a few of their shared experiences.  when i go out with acquaintances I feel like the cousin your mum forces you to take to your best friends party!  lol Everybody knows everybody else — and none of them know me. 

I'm actually trying to create a new life for myself with people i have common interests with but when I go out I feel like I'm just tagging along to someone else's life. Is that normal?  Any ideas for making and keeping new friends?  PS I just started my own business and for the most part work from home.  Most of the people I meet are clients or potential clients and I'm a little weird about socializing with people who pay me!  Is that weird?

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angel-7 angel-7 6 years
I'm kind experiencing the same thing and it's a relief to see I'm not the only one in this situation, so I'm glad I stumbled across this. For various reasons I don't see my friends or have lost touch. Moved to a new area 45mins out of the city, so it became more difficult to see people as regularly as I used to.Others pressures too like my Dad passing away meant I had to spend a lot of time focusing on my mum and family. Friendships dwindled as no one really kept in touch much, I aways kept in contact but maybe it was a case of out of sight, out of mind, others married and have had kids so are busy in their own lives. So now I also find myself in the same situation, how to make new friends at 34. Don't like the idea of getting too friendly with work colleagues, mixing business and pleasure isn't for me. It's difficult trying to meet people outside of groups and that isn't too costly, but Meetup.com sounds like a good idea, a few people have mentioned that on here, so i may also give that a try. But I definitely agree with a lot of the advice on here (which I will try myself) - try and find something that really interests you, volunteering maybe a good idea and its free. Finding something local is also important as it will take the a lot of the effort out of scheduling things in. Another thing I have found is that meeting up with people is like scheduling a business meeting or date. People have busy lives but at least by diary-ing things in you have things to look forward to and its not all last minute, it will give you more balance. I hope some of this helps you, I know it's definitely given me a bit of a push to take another step... good luck! I'd be interested to see how people have got on.... xx
angel-7 angel-7 6 years
I'm kind experiencing the same thing and it's a relief to see I'm not the only one in this situation, so I'm glad I stumbled across this. For various reasons I don't see my friends or have lost touch. Moved to a new area 45mins out of the city, so it became more difficult to see people as regularly as I used to.Others pressures too like my Dad passing away meant I had to spend a lot of time focusing on my mum and family. Friendships dwindled as no one really kept in touch much, I aways kept in contact but maybe it was a case of out of sight, out of mind, others married and have had kids so are busy in their own lives. So now I also find myself in the same situation, how to make new friends at 34. Don't like the idea of getting too friendly with work colleagues, mixing business and pleasure isn't for me. It's difficult trying to meet people outside of groups and that isn't too costly, but Meetup.com sounds like a good idea, a few people have mentioned that on here, so i may also give that a try. But I definitely agree with a lot of the advice on here (which I will try myself) - try and find something that really interests you, volunteering maybe a good idea and its free. Finding something local is also important as it will take the a lot of the effort out of scheduling things in. Another thing I have found is that meeting up with people is like scheduling a business meeting or date. People have busy lives but at least by diary-ing things in you have things to look forward to and its not all last minute, it will give you more balance. I hope some of this helps you, I know it's definitely given me a bit of a push to take another step... good luck! I'd be interested to see how people have got on.... xx
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
Snowy Sakura Sky, I know what you mean, having kids and all. Hey, with a name like Sakura, do you speak Japanese? Yappari, Nihongo wo dekinai kao shitteru desu kedo....
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
Snowy Sakura Sky, I know what you mean, having kids and all. Hey, with a name like Sakura, do you speak Japanese? Yappari, Nihongo wo dekinai kao shitteru desu kedo....
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 6 years
wow although i'm not in the same situation, i do feel newly limited as to what i can contribute and commit to, and different from my old friends because of my kids. its nice to see i;m not alone on this :)
tlsgirl tlsgirl 6 years
Also, it's really encouraging to see that a lot of people on here have the same fears - makes me feel less scared of asking people out on "friend dates" if I know that others are probably feeling the same way :)
tlsgirl tlsgirl 6 years
That's a good idea Chloe - I've been thinking of a running club. I'm way slow, so I've always been scared to try one out, but why not?Also, I don't know if the OP has tried this, but I know people who swear by meetup.com. You can match your interests to the groups that you join and meet people with similar interests. An acquaintance from work said that she tried it when she first moved here and a lot of people went by themselves, so it wasn't too intimidating for her to show up solo.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 6 years
That's a good idea Chloe - I've been thinking of a running club. I'm way slow, so I've always been scared to try one out, but why not? Also, I don't know if the OP has tried this, but I know people who swear by meetup.com. You can match your interests to the groups that you join and meet people with similar interests. An acquaintance from work said that she tried it when she first moved here and a lot of people went by themselves, so it wasn't too intimidating for her to show up solo.
starbucks2 starbucks2 6 years
Yeah, I need advice on this too... While most of my friends moved away to go to college I went to university here. Then I got pregnant while still in school. So we bought a house 45 minutes from where I go to school. I am only 23 so most of the other moms (especially since they're mostly home owners) are a lot older than me and really not my kind of tea (I really don't need to know about your kids poop, thanks). I would really like to make some friends here but it's hard when you're the only one in your age group with a child...Oh and there's not much to do here so I really don't know what to join...
starbucks2 starbucks2 6 years
Yeah, I need advice on this too... While most of my friends moved away to go to college I went to university here. Then I got pregnant while still in school. So we bought a house 45 minutes from where I go to school. I am only 23 so most of the other moms (especially since they're mostly home owners) are a lot older than me and really not my kind of tea (I really don't need to know about your kids poop, thanks). I would really like to make some friends here but it's hard when you're the only one in your age group with a child... Oh and there's not much to do here so I really don't know what to join...
hbrown12 hbrown12 6 years
It's hard. Like many of the people here I'm going through the same thing. I moved from Los Angeles to Chicago in June. Whenever I meet someone that I think I can be friends with I'll ask if they want to get a coffee or something. Another way I've been making friends is through yelp.com Try to get on the elite list and then they invite you to parties and get togethers. I have met a couple ppl through there as well. Good Luck with everything, and if you are in Chicago hit me up!
redchick152 redchick152 6 years
haha, i'm 25 and need this advice!! recently, i just became fed up w/ not having many friends and jumped head first into a huge charity event in my city. we'll see how it goes, but i need to get out there if i want any results!
imLissy imLissy 6 years
I'm only 25, but I moved 45 minutes away from all my friends and while I do take every opportunity to see them, they have kinda counted me out. I guess it's too hard to make the effort to make plans with me when there's plenty of people around that can hang out whenever. I joined a choir in an effort to make friends, but most of them are old, really old. There's one girl that comes with her mom every so often, but I'm pretty sure she's a lot younger than me. And how do I start a conversation. Oh hey, you're my age, wanna be my friend? Gee this Beethoven... he was some crazy dude.I'm going to try the theater group next.
imLissy imLissy 6 years
I'm only 25, but I moved 45 minutes away from all my friends and while I do take every opportunity to see them, they have kinda counted me out. I guess it's too hard to make the effort to make plans with me when there's plenty of people around that can hang out whenever. I joined a choir in an effort to make friends, but most of them are old, really old. There's one girl that comes with her mom every so often, but I'm pretty sure she's a lot younger than me. And how do I start a conversation. Oh hey, you're my age, wanna be my friend? Gee this Beethoven... he was some crazy dude. I'm going to try the theater group next.
socalbeachgal socalbeachgal 6 years
Great advice! It is like dating and there is the fear of rejection. Even if you don't move or get wrapped up with a guy; friendships ebb and flow over the years and friends move on. That said, I'm going through this too since my two closest friends moved out of state in the past year so I'm looking for a new "best" friend. Join groups, volunteer and when you meet someone you think you might like, go out for coffee.
chloe-bella chloe-bella 6 years
Tlsgirl, I'm in the same boat as you (and the OP) - I moved to a new city after law school for my boyfriend and don't really have any of my "own" friends here. OP - Keep hanging out with the people you're currently socializing with. The more you're around, the less you'll feel like the odd person out. I ran a marathon through Team In Training and ended up meeting new people who I still socialize with a year later. You may not be in to that sort of thing, but the idea is to find something that interests you and get involved (whether it be a fitness activity, volunteering, etc.) and try to meet people with similar interests. You won't make new best friends over night, but it's a start. And you actually SHOULD socialize with people who pay you. Men don't give a second thought to doing so, and I think it's one reason why women are still behind in certain professions.
chloe-bella chloe-bella 6 years
Tlsgirl, I'm in the same boat as you (and the OP) - I moved to a new city after law school for my boyfriend and don't really have any of my "own" friends here. OP - Keep hanging out with the people you're currently socializing with. The more you're around, the less you'll feel like the odd person out. I ran a marathon through Team In Training and ended up meeting new people who I still socialize with a year later. You may not be in to that sort of thing, but the idea is to find something that interests you and get involved (whether it be a fitness activity, volunteering, etc.) and try to meet people with similar interests. You won't make new best friends over night, but it's a start. And you actually SHOULD socialize with people who pay you. Men don't give a second thought to doing so, and I think it's one reason why women are still behind in certain professions.
lilkimbo lilkimbo 6 years
I experienced a little of this when I moved to a new city, as well. One thing that really helped me was volunteering; I went through a pretty extensive training program to volunteer at the rape crisis center and I became close with a few of the girls with whom I went through the training.
SparksStar SparksStar 6 years
I've met a lot of people through Meetup.com and have become good friends with some of them. There are all sorts of groups on Meetup so you can find something that interest you. I do mainly a 20s & 30s Nightlife group but I also joined another social group, live music group, and volleyball group I do things with occasionally. The site and most of the groups are free to join.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 6 years
I would love to hear the advice for this! I'm 28, but I'm out of grad school for the first time and in a new city where I don't know anyone, and I'm not entirely sure how to make friends without that built in network.
kismekate kismekate 6 years
Glad you asked this question. I feel the same way and I'm only 25. I have "friends", but no one that I feel like I can really trust or lean on. I'd love to know what I could do to make new, reliable friends. Excited to read more answers.
skigurl skigurl 6 years
i think it's really good that there are people you've been going out with (it's not like you sit home alone) and i think the feeling of "Tagging along" is just because these are not quite the people for you...you'll know when you meet "your people"...you will meet a girl who you get along with so well and you just click with and you won't feel like that girl on the outside...you will get to know these people eventually and you will feel on the inside...just give it time...and keep getting out there! be friendly, ask people questions (but don't be too friendly or creepy, just give them the vibe that you're a nice girl!), don't seem desperate to make friends or be close with them...just take it easy and seem fun and natural and like a cool, independent girl with her own life!
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
exchequette, I can totally relate with the 'asking a friend out' type of thing. It's so weird sometime--feel like I'm actually 'dating' them or something LOL Yeah, definitely for coffee/brunch to begin with, or shopping or farmer's market or First Thursdays events, then if we're getting closer, we'll get together (with another sometime) to watch (girlie) movies--the one our husbands won't touch--and have dinner etc.I usually don't mind to be the one who do the asking if we get along great at the organizations I'm involved in. And yeah, I completely agree if you can't find things to talk about easily, it's completely not meant to be. Just keep her around as a good acquaintance.
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