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How to Get Boyfriend to Ask You to Move In

Group Therapy: How Do I Get My Boyfriend to Ask Me to Move In?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years now. I want him to ask me to move in with him.

A little background here . . .  we did live together for 9 months from mid 2008 to early 2009. We had some rough times throughout our whole relationship, and we have always made it work through communication and work. At that time he had moved into my apartment and everything was great until we got into a huge fight; he made the irrational decision to move out immediately at that moment at 11 o'clock at night and go back to his mother's place.

Now he is 28 and I am 27; we have grown up a lot since then, and he bought his own home last year, and for the last 5 months I have slept at home every night; most of my clothing is here and some of my other belongings. I only go to my apartment to pick up mail or get some other clothing or anything else I may need.

I am currently unemployed and my only income is from disability, due to the fact of being ill for an extended period of time. I do take classes toward my goal career in social work and look for jobs everywhere that will support my own living expenses, however it turned out to be harder then expected.

Now I don't just want to move in with him for financial reasons; he is also finding that owning a home is more financially burdening then he thought, and my very low disability income is tough. As much as it financially makes a lot of sense, I do love him very much, and we have been together for close to 7 years and are 100% committed, and he loves me very much too. We don't want to be with anybody else and have discussed the status of our relationship very openly and extensively and are now nearly 30 and not getting any younger.

Find out more below!

I would like to live together again, and I miss it very much even though I stay here all day for 7 days for the last 5 months. Now I have brought the subject up at least 5 times, and a few times he has considered it and a couple of times just shot it down. How do I get him to see it is the perfect next step for our 7-year relationship, and we are old enough now and much calmer and wiser to make it work? And the financial aspect is a definite bonus. I am afraid this is an all or nothing situation, either we move in or I have to realize that maybe we have plateaued and our relationship is not meant to move on; that is a decision I don't want to make or even think about since my feelings are so strong and don't see myself with anybody else. Now I need some help and any advice people may have on this situation, so please feel free to share any thoughts or advice. Thank you for listening.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

 

Image Source: Thinkstock
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Join The Conversation
Danielle2529041 Danielle2529041 3 years
I can totally understand where your coming from. I am in a similar situation as you considering the fact that like you, I am pretty much living with my boyfriend even though he doesn't want me to "fully" move in. Its a weird situation for me, I had a roommate and we shared expenses for an apartment. My roommate moved to another state and I really didn't want to stay at that apartment after he moved because it wasn't that great of a place to begin with. During that time though, I wasn't at that apartment that much anyways because I was at my boyfriends place. All the clothes I wear are there, all my personal hygiene stuff, everything I need and use are there. I am also in college and go to school from his house. Now, we've only been together for about 8 months, and we did have the discussion about me moving in. I don't know if you asked your boyfriend why you can't move in- I know when I expressed my feelings to my boyfriend and told him how I don't like the fact that I don't have a key so I have to wait for him to get off work if I have an early class that lets out. You know, sometimes I just want to go home and relax, but I couldn't. As silly as it sounds, we are both not ready to really commit to that step yet. Even though I am there seven days out of the week! So what made me feel better is getting my own apartment. I also don't have a great financial foundation, yet, but I say, as long as I am working on something for myself, Why not let him help me out by using his water for long,hot showers, or his electricty for my laptop? Just like what -Dikke kus said. I think you should do your own thing and think about YOUR future, if you see your man in it then great- but if not, at least you did accomlish something for yourself and didn't depend on anyone else.Otherwise, you might not have anything to fall back on. I don't know if I made any sense, lol, but I hope what I said helps. Good luck!
ACAC18 ACAC18 4 years
I was with my boyfriend for 5 years 19 to 24, and after that time, I was ready to move on with our life and move out of our parents' houses, but he wasn't ready. I now live on my own in another city and have followed my own path in life, and I don't regret that.At all.Whatever it is that you decide, don't hang onto the past and do what's right for YOU, because ultimately, that's what's best
ACAC18 ACAC18 4 years
I was with my boyfriend for 5 years 19 to 24, and after that time, I was ready to move on with our life and move out of our parents' houses, but he wasn't ready. I now live on my own in another city and have followed my own path in life, and I don't regret that. At all. Whatever it is that you decide, don't hang onto the past and do what's right for YOU, because ultimately, that's what's best
dikke-kus dikke-kus 4 years
Get a part time job. Have him help you financially with your education by using up his electricity, his food, his toothpaste and soap, razors, shampoo. Take long hot showers. Use his water. Reach your educational goals quickly and on a time line. Sit in front of his TV while your on your laptop taking your tests, using up his elecricity, like he uses up your energy, and your time. Don't waver from your personal goals. When you graduate, use his printer and his ink for your resume. Let hm run to Best Buy to get more ink if he runs out. Get a job with your college degree. At the end, you can say it was worth it for your job at least, and he pays one way or another for his indecisions.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 4 years
Get a part time job. Have him help you financially with your education by using up his electricity, his food, his toothpaste and soap, razors, shampoo. Take long hot showers.Use his water. Reach your educational goals quickly and on a time line. Sit in front of his TV while your on your laptop taking your tests, using up his elecricity, like he uses up your energy, and your time. Don't waver from your personal goals. When you graduate, use his printer and his ink for your resume. Let hm run to Best Buy to get more ink if he runs out. Get a job with your college degree. At the end, you can say it was worth it for your job at least, and he pays one way or another for his indecisions.
lezlo lezlo 4 years
Don't run and dump him just yet! I think there is a lot of advice on this therapy session. I agree with the thoughts that you need to reflect upon your values, needs, and dreams for your future. I know you love this person very much. You've put so much of your life and your youth towards a future with him. So why hasn't he tried to be closer with you? It could be several things. I agree with the notion that men settle, get comfortable, and resist change. But change happens either way. It might do well to let him know that while the last 5 months have been wonderful you don't want to be dependent on him. You have a disability and if he can't commit to you then you need to learn to take care of yourself and be self-reliant. Let him know that your stance on that would change if he wanted to be a life partner in some capacity, but at the moment the lack of commitment effects your sense of stability. Doesn't it? If he thinks that his lack of commitment is pushing the relationship back he might jump into gear and get back on track. Or it might show you just how inert he is. The other thing could be that he has some serious issues to work through. Personal and couples therapy might help you. if you resist that idea, perhaps seek out a spiritual leader, like a rabbi or minister, to give you guidance and advice. The thing is that if he has deeper issues to resolve you'll never move forward until those issues are behind you. And the idea of why buy the cow when the milk is free is true here as well. He seems to have everything he needs. You don't. You might propose that the two of you divide your time between his place and your's. I don't know. I don't know the answer to your question. It depends on the circumstances, which only you and your partner truly know, and it depends on what you truly need for you. So step back, reflect, and when you've made a decision follow that course of action with confidense. One thing is clear though, you need to be more independent and you need to prepare yourself for some serious changes as well. I hope you feel better soon and I wish you the best as you work towards your career goals and hopefully a life with your current partner.
lezlo lezlo 4 years
Don't run and dump him just yet! I think there is a lot of advice on this therapy session. I agree with the thoughts that you need to reflect upon your values, needs, and dreams for your future. I know you love this person very much. You've put so much of your life and your youth towards a future with him. So why hasn't he tried to be closer with you? It could be several things. I agree with the notion that men settle, get comfortable, and resist change. But change happens either way. It might do well to let him know that while the last 5 months have been wonderful you don't want to be dependent on him. You have a disability and if he can't commit to you then you need to learn to take care of yourself and be self-reliant. Let him know that your stance on that would change if he wanted to be a life partner in some capacity, but at the moment the lack of commitment effects your sense of stability. Doesn't it? If he thinks that his lack of commitment is pushing the relationship back he might jump into gear and get back on track. Or it might show you just how inert he is. The other thing could be that he has some serious issues to work through. Personal and couples therapy might help you. if you resist that idea, perhaps seek out a spiritual leader, like a rabbi or minister, to give you guidance and advice. The thing is that if he has deeper issues to resolve you'll never move forward until those issues are behind you. And the idea of why buy the cow when the milk is free is true here as well. He seems to have everything he needs. You don't. You might propose that the two of you divide your time between his place and your's. I don't know. I don't know the answer to your question. It depends on the circumstances, which only you and your partner truly know, and it depends on what you truly need for you. So step back, reflect, and when you've made a decision follow that course of action with confidense. One thing is clear though, you need to be more independent and you need to prepare yourself for some serious changes as well. I hope you feel better soon and I wish you the best as you work towards your career goals and hopefully a life with your current partner.
wolfpackgal wolfpackgal 4 years
So, why doesn't he want you to move in? Does he give a reason? The only thing I can come up with is what everyone else said: he doesn't want to move forward. He may like how it is; you staying over every night, but he doesn't have commit to you living there or anything else. You should stop staying there every night. It seems that you two are not on the same page, so either the communication is lacking, or someone (most likely him) is holding back something. Find out his reasons and what he sees for your relationships future. If he doesn't see the same thing as you, you may decide that it's time to move on.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
It seems like your question is what can you do that will convince him that you are the one for him, and that your relationship should move forward. It seems to me like you've been trying to do something that will convince him for seven years. Maybe if you break up with him and move on with your life, that will be the thing that convinces him. If not, then at least you've moved on with your life rather than sitting around in this holding pattern.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
It seems like your question is what can you do that will convince him that you are the one for him, and that your relationship should move forward. It seems to me like you've been trying to do something that will convince him for seven years. Maybe if you break up with him and move on with your life, that will be the thing that convinces him. If not, then at least you've moved on with your life rather than sitting around in this holding pattern.
motoco motoco 4 years
Let me ask you this....Is your ultimate goal marriage? Is that something that you are wanting? If boyfriend wanted to live with you and if you threw him a softball about the situation then he would have caught it and discussed the matter. You stated that you had lived together before and it did not pan out so in his mind it did not work out. He is okay with you as a girl friend and a bed partner. I was with my boyfriend for 4 years and I lived with him for 3 of those years. I had told him that I would not be a "girlfriend" forever. I had been married before and had been in the dating pool for a few years and when I met him I realized he was "the one". He wasn't "ready" to get married. He would tell me he was "content" (not happy but content). I can tell you that it was very hurtful and a hard time there for a while. But what I am trying to say to you is that men settle in situations very easily. Usually the easiest situation handed them that makes them satisfied they will go with. Like I said in another blog and the old addage "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" is true. I am not trying to be ugly. But the boyfriends most probably has everything he needs...a friend, companion, bed partner, his own home, his job and his independance. And if you come to live with him his life will change. And some of his life with change. He might not be ready for that especially if the first time he did it, it was a bit rocky. If I were you (and I was) there would be a ring and a date before I would move in or pick out a home. Vaule yourself first. If someone loves you they will want to ask you to be with them. They will ask YOU over and over again to be with you. You will be the princess and they will ride in and sweep you off your feet. Don't sell yourself short and wait with baited breath for someone to give you a positive sign of acceptance.
motoco motoco 4 years
Let me ask you this....Is your ultimate goal marriage? Is that something that you are wanting? If boyfriend wanted to live with you and if you threw him a softball about the situation then he would have caught it and discussed the matter. You stated that you had lived together before and it did not pan out so in his mind it did not work out. He is okay with you as a girl friend and a bed partner.I was with my boyfriend for 4 years and I lived with him for 3 of those years. I had told him that I would not be a "girlfriend" forever. I had been married before and had been in the dating pool for a few years and when I met him I realized he was "the one". He wasn't "ready" to get married. He would tell me he was "content" (not happy but content).I can tell you that it was very hurtful and a hard time there for a while. But what I am trying to say to you is that men settle in situations very easily. Usually the easiest situation handed them that makes them satisfied they will go with. Like I said in another blog and the old addage "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" is true. I am not trying to be ugly. But the boyfriends most probably has everything he needs...a friend, companion, bed partner, his own home, his job and his independance. And if you come to live with him his life will change. And some of his life with change. He might not be ready for that especially if the first time he did it, it was a bit rocky. If I were you (and I was) there would be a ring and a date before I would move in or pick out a home. Vaule yourself first. If someone loves you they will want to ask you to be with them. They will ask YOU over and over again to be with you. You will be the princess and they will ride in and sweep you off your feet. Don't sell yourself short and wait with baited breath for someone to give you a positive sign of acceptance.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 4 years
If he WANTED you to move in he would have asked you those 5 times you brought it up. Don't force it down his throat. This isn't something that he just magically doesn't realize he wants. He hasn't asked you because he doesn't want to live together. I know your financial situation is tough but maybe if you spent some time apart from him instead of 24/7 at his house it would give space for the both of you to see if this relationship really has plateaued.
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
I agree with justsonderinn. You need to lay it out for him and tell him you need a decision either way so that you can move forward with your life, either with or without him. He seems to have commitment issues if you've been together 7 years and he can't decide if it's serious enough to live together. Good luck.
justwonderinn justwonderinn 4 years
Well, to be honest, you have vented a lot here. If the communication skills between you and your boyfriend are working, it would make sense to share with him what you shared here. That way, being open and honest you could talk to him person to person. And see what he thinks.
confusedmorethenever confusedmorethenever 4 years
wow that is intense, I think the real question is where is your relationship going. I would sit and ask yourself if you don't move in will you still be happy and content with the relationship or is not moving in a deal breaker? think very hard and carefully about this using your feelings, heart, brain and logic. be rational and good luck let us all know how it turns out
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