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How to Get Over a Breakup

Group Therapy: I Need Help Getting Over a Breakup

This question is an excerpt from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend of 3 years recently broke up with me. Over the past week I have felt every emotion possible, and I can't help but still be convinced that he is the one for me. To make a long story short, his parents are divorced and no one in his immediate family is married, so I don't think he's ever been around a relationship that people worked at, and his reason was that he thought we would break up eventually, so it would be easier on both of us to do it sooner rather somewhere down the road.

Part of me thinks I may still think he is "the one" because he is comfortable for me, but honestly I would rather have comfort with him than date any other guy. I have no idea how to get over this break up because I can't get over the fact that I still think he is the one. I realize I am putting him on a pedestal, but I can't stop it! I have never been that great with guys, I don't really have a lot of male friends, and I haven't really dated all that much either. I am terrified of dating again, I just graduated college and have yet to find a job, and like I said, I'm not the smoothest with men. I know I'm young, but where I'm from, everyone my age is either married or really busy with a new job (or both). I don't want to rush into another relationship by any means, but I think the only way for me to have closure is to have confidence that I will find someone else (which I am really having a hard time finding right now...).

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it, anonymously, to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Join The Conversation
a-million-suns a-million-suns 5 years
I am in this situation right now! If I didn't know any better, I would think that I wrote this (except for a few small details). My serious, long term boyfriend broke up with me about a month and a half ago (we dated for four and a half years), I just graduated from college, and I have yet to figure out "what I want to do." It's frightening, it really is. But what I've sort of come to is that this is ultimately a good thing because I have time by myself to figure things out. If we are meant to be with our ex-boyfriends again, we will be. These things have their ways of working out. And if we're ever with them again, we'll know that it's right because we had this time to be on our own. So let's try to enjoy being single!
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
Would you rather be with someone who assumes you will break up eventually, so you're wondering everyday if TODAY will be that day. Or, would you rather live a life with someone who will work hard at making your relationship work; no matter what. Life your real life, not your "better than nothing" life. Real love us worth the effort to both partners.
luisamapacha luisamapacha 5 years
Stop, stop, stop trying to make excuses for why he broke up with you. It has nothing to do with his parents or friends. He just didn't want to be with you anymore, and that alone proves he is NOT the one for you.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 5 years
I agree with the notion that if he thought breaking up was inevitable early on in the relationship he set himself up for failure in the relationship. This is clearly an emotional development issue with in him that he needs to work out before he can have a successful relationship. Given the fact that you're both young and right out of college he's also at an age where this and other (fear) behavior when it comes to relationships and love is common. It's all part of growing up but it's not your responsibility or capability to fix him. It's natural for your love to want to reach out and help but he has to grow and learn on his own. As for meeting other men honey don't sell yourself short. You're young educated and you have the whole world at your feet. Allow your self some healing time. It's time to be selfish and take care of your heart. Then release it and enjoy life.
misskimberly misskimberly 5 years
"The one" is a falsehood. By believing in the one you only set yourself up to suffer longer and more intensely. There is no shame in suffering now, but don't heighten your sadness by focusing on something that truly doesn't exist in the real world. There is nothing perfect - just varying combinations of imperfections.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 5 years
Truthfully, I think it's healthy for you to mourn the loss of your relationship. You thought he was The One, and you two have been together for three years. He broke up with you, and in effect, broke your heart. For mental health reasons, you really should let yourself grieve, even though it's very discomforting. It's about being honest with yourself, acknowledging the genuine feelings you had for him, and how his break-up left a void in your life. I think your priority should be mending your broken heart. I think that's the best closure for you. When you're whole again (figuratively speaking), you will be ready to date again. The right man will show up. :)
Sundown321 Sundown321 5 years
Instead of focusing on him or finding someone else right now, focus on finding a job that truly makes you happy! You are not tied down by a relationship anymore, if you want to move to a place that has more to offer you can! This sounds like a really great time to focus on yourself and what you want to do with your life! When the time is right you will find someone who fits in with what you have created! Seeing that you didn't have a lot in common... keep doing what you love to do and hopefully you will meet someone that way, or make a great friend who has someone to set you up with! I've been in your position and it takes a very long time to get over. I wish you the best of luck in your job search!
Beauty Beauty 5 years
Genesisrocks is right. It stinks, but these things take time. It's unlikely to get over someone in a day or even weeks. Get out of the house, go see a funny movie, let yourself cry now and then if you need to, but try not to dwell on it too much. Two books might help: It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken (funny, encouraging) and 30 Days To Heal A Broken Heart (if you want to do some serious therapy-style growth). FWIW, I was so heartbroken by my last breakup that I spent MONTHS thinking he'd come back, he'd realize he'd made a huge mistake, blah blah blah. You know what? He never did. I wasted so much time and energy wishing for him to return, and now I'm glad he's gone. Your ex might not be a cad like mine, but in time, you'll see that it wasn't the right match. Last thing... if I'd married the man I was with at 22, we would have split up by now. Use your 20s as a time to get to know yourself. Don't worry if other people are married. Explore life and see what brings you joy. Love will find you.
genesisrocks genesisrocks 5 years
Sweetie, the best advice I can give you is just to give it some time. You were in a serious relationship and it wouldn't surprise me if took you even a couple of months to get over it. When you're ready you'll move on and find someone great.
care0531 care0531 5 years
I am good friend with a guy who has similar family background to you ex (he loves the sports too). He had been in relationships for 1 or 2 years at a time and one day just decided to move on. He never wanted it to get to the point of marriage. Then he dated this one girl and that is all she wanted....so he broke up with her after a year and 1/2 and once she packed her bags to move to out west....he realized he she was the one that he didn't want to be without. They are married now and have a kid but I can tell you that he will always have problems...he cheats on her now and they have only been married 2 years. I think right now you feel like he is what you need....but I think its more he is what you want....until you find someone else that you want to be with all the time. This stuff doesn't happen over night...you will be sad...you'll not want anyone else....but one day you will snap out of it and get back out there.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
It's sounds like "the one" to you means the only one who will every want you (which isn't ever true for anyone). "The one" should be the one you choose over everyone else. I suggest you channel your anger into gym time, let your sadness out and write about it, and spend some serious girl time with your friends. It will get easier and easier every single day.
pillowchats pillowchats 5 years
Yea, that place is all too familiar. Unfortunately, I don’t think there is such thing as a healthy shortcut to get over the pain. The unhealthy way would be to date someone else, I guess. The fact is, getting over someone is like getting over an addiction. It feels like you lose a part of yourself when you lose them, or losing a best friend. It’s because when we are with someone, we are no longer just ME and HIM, it’s WE. So when it’s just back to ME again, it will take time to rebuild a part of yourself. Getting over someone is never easy. I wrote something on my site that I think is pretty telling :) . Take a look if you like. http://bit.ly/ap6zsr But, you will get there. It just takes time.
Raynne413 Raynne413 5 years
Never ever stay with someone just because you are afraid to be alone, or don't think you can do better. It may take time, but you will find someone else. In the meantime, focus on yourself and have fun. As for everyone else being married. . . Within a year of graduating from high school, almost everyone I knew was married with children, or with children on the way. This was ten years ago, and most of them are now going through a divorce. So that doesn't mean a thing. And never base your sense of happiness or self-worth on a comparison with someone else because you will ALWAYS find someone better, happier, prettier, richer, etc., than you are. It doesn't mean a thing about you, though!
crushgirlie crushgirlie 5 years
I had a hard time getting over someone too. One of the things you have to do is realize for whatever reason he is not "the one" as you keep saying, but "a one". Get yourself busy, do things that you really like to do, go out with friends. I now give myself one day to feel sorry for myself and the relationship and then after that, it's getting back to my life. Start out slowly and after awhile you will not think about him or the relationship as much. Another piece of advice my mom gave me that I chant whenever I start thinking about the good times and feel the need to want to contact him: "I don't want anyone who doesn't want me" He doesn't want you, if he did you wouldn't have broken up. I know you don't think it will be fine now, but trust me it will be in time.
LouLou12 LouLou12 5 years
Thank you all for the replies. A little more info: He is a really big "sports guy" like could sit around all day and watch ESPN, and I am really girly, so watching sports is like watching paint dry (not that girly girls can't enjoy sports, I just don't). I mean honestly we don't have a lot in common, but come on, we've made it just fine for three years so I never saw it as being a big deal, we've both learned a lot about what each other likes. Mix Tape: Thank you so much for your advice, I know that there must be someone I would be happier with out there, I just get really stressed when I think about starting to date again! Soulsearcher: Thank you, he definately had a lame excuse for breaking up with me, and he did it the night before I had a job interview, which showed me just how selfish he probably is. I guess it's just frustrating because I know that we could have made it work, but I also have to realize that he didn't want to make it work otherwise he would have tried : /
soulsearcher83 soulsearcher83 5 years
There is no such thing as "the one". It's mathematically impossible because there is never going to be an exact number of both men and women on this planet. So forget that idea all together. You just broke up. You will get over him. And it doesn't matter what his family is like - if he broke up with you that is all on him. PS that is a totally lame excuse to break up which means he is pretty lame too. You'll move on. Give it time and don't worry so much about what others in your area re doing. The grass isn't always greener.
mix-tape mix-tape 5 years
I've been there and done that hun. Most of us girls have been through a serious break up. He isn't the one if he left you after 3 years just because he thought it was inevitable. You'll find someone better. Why don't you focus on yourself, start a new hobby that you've always admired, reconnect with friends you may have neglected while with him, etc. This will get your mind off of him and help you make new contact with people... eventually you'll move on but only time allows you do this. Lots of time. Those awful, gut wrenching pains will disappear and you'll be a better woman in the end. This is coming from the girl who dated a guy for four years and thought he was "the one" too, but now I'm dating someone a year later who is more kickass than a storybook prince. You'll know what I'm talking about after this phase passes. Don't let the irrationality of "the one" mentality get to you, there are plenty fish in the sea as the saying goes.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
Can you be more specific? What kinds of problems did you have that showed you the two of you were incmpatible?
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