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How to Get Over a Relationship

"How Do I Get Over My Relationship With a Narcissist?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for over four years. I didn't realize he was a narcissist until I began to feel as if I was losing my mind about two years ago and sought out therapy. My therapist happened to specialize in narcissism abuse and told me this was what I was suffering from. The relationship, or lack thereof, began good, then got very bad and the cycle continued to get progressively worse and littered with emotional abuse.

My therapist moved about six months ago and my life seems like it has been in shambles since then. I have been on a new conquest for a new therapist, but to no avail. Instead, I have searched the internet for tips and surprisingly haven't found much.
A couple of weeks ago I suspected him of cheating. For example, he only wanted to have sex outside of his home, and if I did go to his home I noticed things were tidier than usual, he had an extra toothbrush, changed his mind about us being exclusive every other day, and gave me silent treatments if I gave any opinion on our situation.

Last night I headed over to his house after we had a fight about investing some money into a couple romance retreat. Once I realized there were additional hidden costs, I knew I couldn't afford my half. He didn't want to give me back my money and said I was backing out of things for us. Later that same night, he wanted to get sexual and I was hesitant so I said no. He begged, so I finally gave in. We began to get hot and heavy, but he didn't want to have sex with me in his house — he wanted to use my car! In the middle of having sex, he stopped to say he was no longer in the mood, leaving me alone in the car! I put on my clothes and I asked if I could at least go into his apartment to wash up and he said no. He finally agreed to let me use his basement bathroom to wash up, but it had no running water.
When I got home, we had a talk about exclusivity and he said he didn't know how he felt about it. We went back and forth for some time, but I just can't take it anymore! I sent him an email and a text message telling him how I felt about this whole ordeal and that I was done.

I'm so hurt. Narcissism abuse is just so different from anything I have ever experienced. I'm thinking of changing my number or getting away, but I just don't know what to do.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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lickety-split lickety-split 4 years
wow, as helpful as the "stop complaining" suggestion below was, here is a link for a potental resource. abuse is abuse. ita hard to leave a relationship and you need support. please know that you deserve better. http://www.narcissismfree.com/narcissistic-abuse-support.php
abrown0190 abrown0190 4 years
I completely understand what you're going through. I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 6 years. While testadura's advice sounds like common sense, I understand how difficult it is to escape from a narcissist's clutches. Some of their character traits include being incredibly charming and manipulative. I'm sure when you weren't fighting he flooded you with compliments and made you feel like the only girl in the world. My ex-boyfriend cheated on me all the time. I often found myself so miserable because of the emotional abuse and disrespect that I would almost HOPE to catch him in lies in order to have an "excuse" to leave him. But somehow he always managed to find a way to talk himself out of it. To make things even more difficult, I considered him my best friend, which isn't surprising because I managed to alienate most of my friends and family while we were together, because they couldn't stand to be around them, he would throw jealous fits when I spent time with other people, and I put up tons of walls lying to people about how happy I was in the relationship. I was so dependent on him that for years I couldn't even imagine not having him in my life. It finally took a very public betrayal (I caught him having a relationship with another girl at my school. Neither of us knew about the other, and everyone in our small community found out about it), a move half way across the country, and another couple of years to finally cut him out of my life. So don't get me wrong- it is HARD to leave. He's also dependent on you, because he needs the attention, and will fight as hard as he can to keep it. When you're already insecure and you care about someone, it's so tempting to view that as him finally proving that he really cares about you. He doesn't. He only cares about himself. It sounds like you did the right thing by cutting it off with him, but know that it will be incredibly difficult. Now is the time to lean on friends and family, and to try and find a new therapist as soon as you can. Do not accept any contact from him. No calls, visits, emails, letters, nothing. You don't owe him anything. It's going to be a really difficult road ahead of you, but know that it will be so worth it in the end. I will be keeping you in my thoughts. Good luck!
bluebellknoll bluebellknoll 4 years
I agree with testadura 100%. DTMFA.
testadura67 testadura67 4 years
Seriously? Seriously. To you and the next 500 posters who say "My boyfriend treats me like crap and I don't know what to do." LEAVE HIM. Change your number, block him on social networks, do what you have to do, but leave him. If he doesn't "let" you, file a restraining order. Buy a gun or a taser and learn how to use it. Stand up for yourself, know how to defend yourself, and stop bitching about how no one treats you well when you don't give them a reason to. OP, I'm sorry to take out my frustration with 80% of the posters on here on you, but I can't tell you how sick I am of reading about women who refuse to stand up for themselves. You want respect? Dignity? Someone to treat you right? Start with yourself. Have some self respect, grow some dignity, and REFUSE to let someone treat you wrong. Care more about yourself than the people who use you, and you'll suddenly find yourself surrounded by good people, and find yourself in healthy relationships. No one is responsible for your happiness but you.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
The first step in getting over it is to stop subjecting yourself to him. Take him completely out of your life. I'd think the relief of not having to deal with him and his issues and abuse will get you a long way down the road of self healing. Don't wait, don't hesitate, don't procrastinate. Don't talk to him about it, just say we're done, have a good life, good bye. That's it, that's all. And you're therapist should have been able to give you a referral to a new therapist. Do you have the phone number? Call and ask for a referral. I'd guess specialists are very aware of others with the same specialty. good luck to you
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 4 years
The good news is that you don't have to do anything special to get over this. Just stay away from the guy and go on a nice long man detox/cleanse. That means no contact of any kind. You don't actively "get over" a guy. You just wake up one morning, weeks or months after the very last time you were in contact with him, and you realize you've been forgetting to cry or obsess over him lately. Enough of those days go by and you've gotten over him. Getting over a man is the result of staying away from him and nursing your wounds by taking good care of yourself,
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
You need to find another therapy pronto and stay away from him, please. Egad. That's about it. As for the money, read disclaimer and such if there's any way to recoup your losses, but if there's such iron clad agreement, try to rent out your half to another couple or something, uh, sometimes...it's ok to lose that money, rather than stay for another minute in such a bad relationship. Good luck.
kimberdoll kimberdoll 4 years
Yes, I urge you to do as the above posters have suggested. You could be so much happier. The first step of getting away is always hard, but you must do it for your own mental health.
lcrox07 lcrox07 4 years
What a complete douche. Change your number and move forward. Do not give in to his begging, don't pick up. He couldn't take care of what he had and so someone else can.
JessicaM25 JessicaM25 4 years
^That's even worse. Once a cheater always a cheater. Change the number and don't look back. Sorry to hear about this drama. GL.
Raynne413 Raynne413 4 years
It sounds to me, considering that you've been around for four years, and you are STILL discussing whether or not to be exclusive, that you are his booty call and he is now in a relationship with someone.
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 4 years
Get out right now, and don't ever look back. Things will never change. He'll always be this way. And that's really strange that he doesn't want to have sex with you in his home, that there's an extra toothbrush, and that things are tidier than usual. It suggests that he has some other woman around. Regardless of that, the outcome is the same: he's an asshole, and you need to get out and enjoy life. Don't stay with him. Move away, start over, do things that make you happy, make new awesome memories, find fun things to do, make friends, throw away anything and everything that reminds you of him, keep none of his gifts or pictures...just re-start your life exactly the way you want it. You have no one to answer to but yourself. Now go and be happy. And yes, change your number.
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