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How Important Is Attraction in Relationships?

Group Therapy: Should I Pursue a Guy I'm Not Attracted To?

This question is an excerpt from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I am 22, and left a 5 year relationship last year. For the past year I have been living the so called "single life" although I tend to focus on my studies and looking after my three dogs, I still managed to go on dates etc, but really I hate being single I love being a partner.

Recently I met an older man (he is 37) at a neuroscience conference, we got talking afterward, and we just click . . . although there was not that lust or deep sexual attraction that I had in a previous relationship. We can talk for three hours easy. He moved back to where he is working (on the other side of the world), but we have been communicating by e-mail and on the phone frequently, he has implied that he wants me to travel with him, and he would be interested in dating me and he ultimately wants marriage. Now while this suits me perfectly, I will still have time to finish my degree while he is overseas, during which he will financially support me and he is very very caring, reliable, well everything you could ask for in a man, except I still have not felt that sexual feeling overwhelm me as it has previously.

Do you think I should call this off? I would love to be married to someone who is so supportive and caring, do you need that sexual spark or can that grow over time?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it, anonymously, to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.


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themeek001 themeek001 5 years
I commend you for saying that you valued sex after marriage rather than before. I'm the same age as you and my boyfriend is actually 35. I'm a student too and know how difficult student life can be. All the study and very little income (at least for me) can be hard to cope with. I have to admit I just love it when my bf helps me out financially. As for sexual chemistry, it is important in a relationship but not the most important thing. Follow your gut and heart and hold onto your values.
themeek001 themeek001 5 years
I commend you for saying that you valued sex after marriage rather than before. I'm the same age as you and my boyfriend is actually 35. I'm a student too and know how difficult student life can be. All the study and very little income (at least for me) can be hard to cope with. I have to admit I just love it when my bf helps me out financially. As for sexual chemistry, it is important in a relationship but not the most important thing. Follow your gut and heart and hold onto your values.
tidakpedulidengananda tidakpedulidengananda 5 years
If he doesn't 'imply' on paying your tuition and affording you a life of academic pursuit, will you still want to get to know him?You guys ain't local, so it's super hard to know how it really is with this guy in real life. Talking is one thing, but sex and live the day-to-day thing is completely different animal.I'm doubtful sexual spark will grow over time (never happened to me), but beside the 'creepy' factor of him calling up your dad asking you to go on vacation with him, I'd reconsider making him the no.1 beau in your book, if I were u, I'd still look around (LOCAL PROSPECT). If he's that concerned about your virtue, he should make your dad take a vacation with you and him as a chaperone.
tidakpedulidengananda tidakpedulidengananda 5 years
If he doesn't 'imply' on paying your tuition and affording you a life of academic pursuit, will you still want to get to know him? You guys ain't local, so it's super hard to know how it really is with this guy in real life. Talking is one thing, but sex and live the day-to-day thing is completely different animal. I'm doubtful sexual spark will grow over time (never happened to me), but beside the 'creepy' factor of him calling up your dad asking you to go on vacation with him, I'd reconsider making him the no.1 beau in your book, if I were u, I'd still look around (LOCAL PROSPECT). If he's that concerned about your virtue, he should make your dad take a vacation with you and him as a chaperone.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
Would agree with Lenay. For me, if the attraction isn't there initially, it just isn't. I know people here are telling you sexual attraction can grow, maybe, but I have my doubts. You may like him enough to not be disgusted having sex with him, but that knock-down-drag-out feeling that we all want at least initially in a lover will be absent. No thanks.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
Would agree with Lenay. For me, if the attraction isn't there initially, it just isn't. I know people here are telling you sexual attraction can grow, maybe, but I have my doubts. You may like him enough to not be disgusted having sex with him, but that knock-down-drag-out feeling that we all want at least initially in a lover will be absent. No thanks.
Lenay Lenay 5 years
If you're not attracted to him now, you probably never will be. Attraction decreases over time as people age. So, the question you really have to ask yourself is "Are common interests and great conversation enough to sustain you?"If you feel that you need to have a good sex life to be happy, keep looking.
Lenay Lenay 5 years
If you're not attracted to him now, you probably never will be. Attraction decreases over time as people age. So, the question you really have to ask yourself is "Are common interests and great conversation enough to sustain you?" If you feel that you need to have a good sex life to be happy, keep looking.
the-nerd-nextdoor the-nerd-nextdoor 5 years
I've been in a similar situation. Him and I have known each other for some odd months and went on a date for the first time. Everything was there, but to me that physical attraction wasn't. I tried getting to know him a bit more, but still no spark. However I do agree that getting to know him more on a deeper level could possibly make you feel physically attracted to him. Never hurts to try.
the-nerd-nextdoor the-nerd-nextdoor 5 years
I've been in a similar situation. Him and I have known each other for some odd months and went on a date for the first time. Everything was there, but to me that physical attraction wasn't. I tried getting to know him a bit more, but still no spark. However I do agree that getting to know him more on a deeper level could possibly make you feel physically attracted to him. Never hurts to try.
stephley stephley 5 years
Hmm, if he's calling your dad, he's pushing way too hard. I'd bail.
bisou002 bisou002 5 years
Oh dear. I've been in a situation a bit like this. I dated a wonderful guy (only 3 years older than I was) for about 2 years. He was an absolute prince. And while he wasn't footing the bill for my education or anything like that, he treated me like gold. But even though we got along great, made each other laugh, and had a great time, in the end, I couldn't bear to be with him anymore because I wasn't sexually attracted to him. It's as simple as that. You need the spark. It was a devastating breakup for both of us, but you need the whole package, not just the pieces.
michelle-c42934 michelle-c42934 5 years
When I was 22 I dated a a very wealthy 35 year old guy and switched to a med school closest to him so we could be together while I finished my studies. He offered to support me, but I declined and figured out a way to support myself, which was lucky, because he broke up with me just as I started the course last year. So, just as a word of warning, never rely on a guy, be an independent woman, he'll respect you more, and you'll respect yourself more. Also, you shouldn't settle. I might be a hopeless romantic, but you should look for the guy with the complete package.
michelle-c42934 michelle-c42934 5 years
When I was 22 I dated a a very wealthy 35 year old guy and switched to a med school closest to him so we could be together while I finished my studies. He offered to support me, but I declined and figured out a way to support myself, which was lucky, because he broke up with me just as I started the course last year. So, just as a word of warning, never rely on a guy, be an independent woman, he'll respect you more, and you'll respect yourself more. Also, you shouldn't settle. I might be a hopeless romantic, but you should look for the guy with the complete package.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
ITA with Pistil. Still even if you've reworded it, it came out the same.If he's been that accepting, be honest with him how you don't find him sexually attractive, and you're not a believer of sex before marriage, hence that thing about vacationing even with separate rooms sounds..very..suspect. Nevermind that, since you can talk to him about everything, just be honest that you're not attracted to him physically, but you care/like him in other ways. If he's that understanding, then, hey great for you. Just be cautious, and if I were you, I'd consult my parents more about this.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
ITA with Pistil. Still even if you've reworded it, it came out the same. If he's been that accepting, be honest with him how you don't find him sexually attractive, and you're not a believer of sex before marriage, hence that thing about vacationing even with separate rooms sounds..very..suspect. Nevermind that, since you can talk to him about everything, just be honest that you're not attracted to him physically, but you care/like him in other ways. If he's that understanding, then, hey great for you. Just be cautious, and if I were you, I'd consult my parents more about this.
brightonrock brightonrock 5 years
Thank you Anon.that is my problem we are perfectly matched in every regards except my physical attraction to him.I will consider this some more, I have been honest with him and he has been very accepting.
brightonrock brightonrock 5 years
Thank you Anon. that is my problem we are perfectly matched in every regards except my physical attraction to him. I will consider this some more, I have been honest with him and he has been very accepting.
inlove23 inlove23 5 years
NEVER SETTLE!!!! You will find someone that is incredible, stable in finances, and someone you can love/lust. If you guys date you will eventually have sex and why would you just go through the motions when you could be enjoying mind blowing sex with someone else. Btw, I'm only 3 years younger and while I love being in a relationship I would never want to be in a relationship just for the sake of it. Put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if you loved someone and found out they weren't even attracted to you??
brightonrock brightonrock 5 years
Thank you all for the help, he has been ringing me alot and he rang my father to ask if he could take me on holiday (staying in separate rooms) I told him that because I have not felt attracted to him this is only cruel to him and I do not want to lead him on.I really dont think he was looking at me as a sugar baby or whatever, because all we talk about is neuroscience...but you are all right the attraction has to be there and I was being naive.
brightonrock brightonrock 5 years
Thank you all for the help, he has been ringing me alot and he rang my father to ask if he could take me on holiday (staying in separate rooms) I told him that because I have not felt attracted to him this is only cruel to him and I do not want to lead him on. I really dont think he was looking at me as a sugar baby or whatever, because all we talk about is neuroscience...but you are all right the attraction has to be there and I was being naive.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
Your vulnerable now so its understandable you are lonely and wanting to jump at certain opportunities. But be careful. You're saying you're not attracted to him. That's becuase he's an old man - 14 years older. At 22, mother nature kicks in no matter what. Instincts are a powerful motivator with relationships and marriage and sex. You need to trust those instincts. A younger man more your age will understand you better and be more your equal. A younger man will also be able to provide and help you with children when that day comes. A man your age will guarantee great sex, longevity, vitality and grow with you. Not act like your father. You don't sound like you're in need of a father. Having a partner in life, one that you feel is right for you, is not something money and stability can satisfy. I would not go so far as to getting very serious with him. He will bore you to death.
Pistil Pistil 5 years
brightonrock, even when you reword it, I'd still be wary.
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