“My husband likes to watch porn. I don't mind really, but I'd like to bring some of the excitement he gets from it into the bedroom. Any tips on how I can to talk to him about why he likes it, or is there something I can try on my own to surprise him?”
To see Dr. Glickman's answer, read more.
There are a few different directions you could take this, depending on whether you’ve watched porn yourself and how similar your and his tastes are. So let’s look at the first piece of that. Have you ever watched porn, either on your own or with him? If not, you might want to give it a try — that way, you can make a more informed decision about how to proceed. After all, if it just doesn’t do anything for you, it would be good to know that before you try watching it with him.
At Good Vibrations, we’ve put together a list of movies that we think are good choices for folks who are new to watching porn. They tend to be a bit milder and have better production values (camera work, editing, sound, etc.). You could also check out the Features, which have more of a story line. But I’ll warn you: if these folks could act, they probably wouldn’t be in porn, so don’t expect anyone to win any awards for their acting skills. You could also check out Video on Demand, which gives you the chance to skim a few movies and check them out without having to purchase a DVD. And Violet Blue’s book The Smart Girl’s Guide to Porn has lots of great info about different types of movies and tips for finding the ones you’re seeking.
The first thing I can suggest is to simply ask him if he’d be interested in watching movies with you. He might be into that — a lot of men are. But he might also be resistant. Either way give him some time to think about it and figure out what would work for him.
Assuming that you’re both ready to watch porn with each other, you could take a look through the options and pick a movie out together. If he has a favorite movie or performer, give that a try. While you’re watching it, you could talk about what you find appealing or sexy. Or, for that matter, you could take turns pleasuring each other while watching the movie. You might forget that the TV is even on! And remember that the fast-forward button is your friend. Skip a scene if it’s not working for you. After all, it’s not like a regular movie where you have to watch the whole thing for it to make sense.
You may also find that you’re just not interested in the same movies that he is, or that you’re not into porn at all. There’s nothing wrong with that — we each have different tastes and desires. But if his porn use is getting in the way of your mutual sexual connection, that could cause problems. Lots of couples come into conflict when one person becomes more interested in porn than in having sex. That can be a very complex situation and it’s one that might be easier to navigate with the help of a therapist. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists has a searchable database and everyone on it has passed its rather high standards for training and experience. And even if there isn’t anyone in your area, you could email someone from AASECT and ask for a local referral. There are plenty of great professionals who aren’t part of the organization.