Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's new sex advice column! Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!
For years I thought I hadn't had an orgasm because I expected it to be similar to a man's. I also expected that when I did eventually have one I wouldn't question whether or not that was it because it would be so great/pleasurable that there would be no doubt whether it had happened. My biggest obstacle to get over is that I stop either myself or my partner too soon because it becomes too uncomfortable/sensitive and I just don't like it. Any advice would be appreciated. To find out what Dr. Glickman's advice is,
Dr. Glickman's response:
Many women have had similar experiences, so I’m glad that you asked the question. There are many elements to sexual pleasure and each person is different. As a result, there are lots of women whose sexual responses don’t do what they may expect, especially if they’re comparing their experiences with men’s orgasms.
Quite a few women find that sexual stimulation, especially clitoral stimulation, can become too intense. They often report that changing what they’re doing can keep the fun going without overdoing it. Think of it like switching from eating something spicy to something a bit milder to give your body a chance to catch up. That’s a useful comparison because many people tend to think that stronger sensations are always better, but it’s not always the case. Some people like spicy food and others don’t. So if you find that slow and steady gets you there, go for it!
Figuring out what works for you can be a bit easier with some solo exploration since it takes the pressure of a partner’s expectations out of the picture. If you’re looking for ideas, I really like Sadie Allison’s book Tickle Your Fancy because she offers lots of tips in a fun and friendly format. She also talks about using toys, lubricants, and fantasies so you’ll have plenty of options.
If you want to explore things with a partner, you might find it helpful to explain that your body can get overstimulated and you need to change things up every so often. That’s when it can be helpful to be able to describe what you like since your partner won’t be able to always guess when you need things to be a bit different or what you’d like to do.
While feeling overstimulated is certainly one piece of the puzzle, I think it’s important to recognize that there are many women who haven’t had orgasms for a number of reasons. Becoming Orgasmic is an excellent book that’s designed to help women figure out what their particular barriers are and how to overcome them. Women who have experienced orgasm but who’d like to have them more consistently or more easily can also get a lot out of this friendly step-by-step guide.
Got more questions for Dr. Glickman on Hump Day? Send 'em to TrèsSugar!