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Hump Day: I Have Little Desire to Have Sex Anymore

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

“When my husband and I first got married, I was so in love with him that we had sex what (for me) seemed like a lot (a few times a week). But now, three years into it, I feel like my baseline libido, which never was much in the first place, has flatlined. I simply have no interest in sex mentally or physically. My husband keeps asking me if there’s someone else, but in reality, I don’t want sex at all — with anyone. I’m worried he’s going to leave me, this is causing so many problems between us. Any advice?”

To see the answer,

It’s pretty common for sexual frequency for couples to lessen after a couple of years. It’s not always just the stereotypical “things are becoming routine” situation. Shifts in hormones can occur as time goes by and those shifts can affect sexual desire. Lots of people have a low interest in sex for any of a number of reasons. It’s not necessarily a sign of any kind of problem and if that has been your pattern for a long time; that may be simply how your sexuality is.

Do you consider your lack of interest in sex a problem? If you do, you might want to see if there are any medical issues causing it. You could have low testosterone for example. While we generally only think of it as a male hormone, women also have some testosterone in their systems and it’s often related to interest in sex. Sexual desire is quite complex and sometimes, the answers aren’t as easy as that, but it could be worth exploring.

Whether you think that your low desire is a problem or not, it sounds like your concerns center on how you and your husband talk about it and what his and your expectations are. Differences in desire can be one of the more tricky relationship challenges and almost all couples face it at some point or another. When you consider how much we (as a culture) equate sexual desire with relationship health, it’s no wonder that many of us feel a lot of pressure around it.

While I would NEVER suggest to anyone that they engage in sex that they don’t want, the two of you might want to explore other ways to connect physically. After all, it doesn’t have to be sex or intercourse. For example, would it work if you gave him backrubs? What if he masturbated while you help him or ran your hands across him? And are there ways that you would like to receive physical contact? As another possibility, are there ways in which the two of you could make room for him to get his sexual needs met, such as giving him solo time at home for some self-pleasure?

Whether you find your low desire a problem or not, you could also find a sex-positive therapist. One of the most helpful things that a therapist can offer is tools for talking about tricky topics and a safe space to do it in. Plus, sometimes an outside perspective can be really helpful. There are plenty of great people who know about sexuality issues and lots of them can be found on the website for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Anyone in their directory has passed a rigorous certification process, which gives them the foundation to be as helpful with sexuality topics as possible.

Ultimately, the best advice I can offer you is to be honest with each other about what’s going on for you and how you each feel about it. With that as the foundation, the two of you can start looking for new ways to be together that work for both of you.

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Join The Conversation
danakscully64 danakscully64 6 years
I know this question is a month old but I wanted to say something too. If you're on the Pill, that is likely the main problem. It took me over a year to feel somewhat back to normal after The Pill destroyed my sex drive. It's been a year and a half and I'm still having issues. The pill that did it was LoEstrin24, I would not recommend this pill to anyone because I've read online that many others had the same problem and their drive isn't back to normal after many months or even years after they stopped.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 6 years
I was in the reverse situation and it's so unfair. You need to get help, or you need to do it and act like you want to, or I don't blame him for going elsewhere. Relationships need sex. When one person just doesn't want it, there are all kinds of problems.
Autumns_Elegy Autumns_Elegy 6 years
I'd suggest just a few lifestyle changes, the implant killed my sex drive but I found it woke up again when I hit the gym with my boyfriend. Four hours of sweating in the cardio room once a week did wonders for our sex lives (and our waistlines :)). I also feel crappy and don't want to have sex when I eat wrong.
lemamike lemamike 6 years
The same thing happened to me a couple years ago. I had no interest in sex at all! I ended up switching birth control but it still didn't help. (it's hard because your body takes time to adjust but when BC is in 1 month cycles a logn time can go by before it happens!) I've been off of birth control for over a year now - my periosd are heavier and much more cramps but sexually it is so much better. I finally have that feeling again where i want to have sex! it's great. also - side note and of course i know nothing about the situation. but ask yourself TRULY deep down. does it have anything to do with your husband? I have a best friend who has been dating her bf for 3.5 years. LOVES him but doesnt want to sleep with him. It's bigger issues for her than just the birth control but she doesn't want to admit it. Just food for thought!
lemamike lemamike 6 years
The same thing happened to me a couple years ago. I had no interest in sex at all! I ended up switching birth control but it still didn't help. (it's hard because your body takes time to adjust but when BC is in 1 month cycles a logn time can go by before it happens!) I've been off of birth control for over a year now - my periosd are heavier and much more cramps but sexually it is so much better. I finally have that feeling again where i want to have sex! it's great.also - side note and of course i know nothing about the situation. but ask yourself TRULY deep down. does it have anything to do with your husband? I have a best friend who has been dating her bf for 3.5 years. LOVES him but doesnt want to sleep with him. It's bigger issues for her than just the birth control but she doesn't want to admit it. Just food for thought!
elizabethsosewn elizabethsosewn 6 years
I'm in the same situation right now myself. Knowing that its happening to other women really helps. I always feel really guilty because the relationship started of with a bounty of sexuality and desire, but now i really just don't wanna have sex. like... at all. I am considering switching BC cuz right now i've got the rod in my arm and i'm thinking an IUD might really effect me less (a friend said that for her it really doesn't affect her the way normal hormones did, because she was super sensitive)
elizabethsosewn elizabethsosewn 6 years
I'm in the same situation right now myself. Knowing that its happening to other women really helps. I always feel really guilty because the relationship started of with a bounty of sexuality and desire, but now i really just don't wanna have sex. like... at all.I am considering switching BC cuz right now i've got the rod in my arm and i'm thinking an IUD might really effect me less (a friend said that for her it really doesn't affect her the way normal hormones did, because she was super sensitive)
b1uebunn b1uebunn 6 years
Yeah, I agree with the birth control aspect. Hormonal BC can KILL a sex drive. Also, self esteem issues are a problem. She needs to seek medical/psychological help for this. No, she shouldn't have to engage in sex she doesn't want, but it's really unfair to her husband. That has to be frustrating, sad, and confusing for him. She needs to seek the help she needs so that their marriage doesn't suffer.
b1uebunn b1uebunn 6 years
Yeah, I agree with the birth control aspect. Hormonal BC can KILL a sex drive. Also, self esteem issues are a problem. She needs to seek medical/psychological help for this.No, she shouldn't have to engage in sex she doesn't want, but it's really unfair to her husband. That has to be frustrating, sad, and confusing for him. She needs to seek the help she needs so that their marriage doesn't suffer.
Yogaforlife Yogaforlife 6 years
I went through a phase like for about two years - just no desire to have sex with anyone. For me it ended up being due to two things. One was the type of birth control I was on. I switched to a different birth control but it still took about 6 months before I felt any changes. The other had to do with me not being happy with how I looked. I didn't feel in shape/toned anymore and it created a lack of confidence that affected my sex life. I started working on improving my confidence through working out/being healthier, and it's made a huge difference in my sex life. Maybe look at whether a medication could be causing it or if you are unsatisfied with yourself in some aspect (emotionally or physically).
Yogaforlife Yogaforlife 6 years
I went through a phase like for about two years - just no desire to have sex with anyone. For me it ended up being due to two things. One was the type of birth control I was on. I switched to a different birth control but it still took about 6 months before I felt any changes. The other had to do with me not being happy with how I looked. I didn't feel in shape/toned anymore and it created a lack of confidence that affected my sex life. I started working on improving my confidence through working out/being healthier, and it's made a huge difference in my sex life.Maybe look at whether a medication could be causing it or if you are unsatisfied with yourself in some aspect (emotionally or physically).
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