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Hump Day: I'm Self-Conscious About Receiving Oral Sex

Hump Day: I'm Self-Conscious About Receiving Oral Sex

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"I'm very self-conscious about my body, and that extends to receiving oral sex. I like to give blow jobs to my boyfriend, but I worry about smelling and tasting good so I rarely let him reciprocate. I wonder if I never get satisfaction when I let him go downtown (he has to practically beg!) because I can't relax enough to enjoy it. Any advice?"

To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say,

First off, the vagina is self-cleaning, as long as it's healthy. I mention that because I want to make sure that it's very clear that all of the myths about the vagina being dirty have more to do with sexism and sex-negativity than anything else. That was a bit different in the past, when women's medical needs weren't really addressed and things like yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis went untreated. At the same time, if you ever suspect that your scent has changed, that can be a sign of these or other conditions and it's worth getting checked out by a medical professional.

But assuming that there isn't anything like that going on for you, you definitely have my sympathies. Worries about our bodies and how our partners perceive us is a serious mood-killer. And the irony is that our partners often either don't mind or actively admire exactly those parts of our bodies that we're worrying about!

From what you've written, it sounds like your boyfriend has no problem going down on you. After all, if he's begging for it, it's probably something that he's into. How does he describe your scent or taste? If he's just as enthusiastic about that, maybe that can help you reframe how you feel about it. As the saying goes, we each have our own tastes (sorry for the bad pun, but I couldn't resist).

Try taking a shower before having sex. If you do it together, then it becomes part of the warm-up instead of a chore. While it may not be strictly necessary, if it helps you relax, there's no reason not to. Just don't overdo it with the soap. The vulva (the exterior female sex organs) is covered with sensitive skin and some women find that washing too much can be irritating. And don't get soap inside the vagina — it can be irritating or even set off a yeast infection if you're sensitive.

It might also help if the two of you approach oral sex as a pleasure in itself, rather than worrying about whether you'll have an orgasm from it. Set the bar a little lower for a while and aim for discovering ways that it can feel good for you, even if you don't have an orgasm. Make it a science experiment and have him try different techniques so you can discover how they feel. One great way to do that is for him to do two different things, such as sucking your clitoris or making circles with his tongue for a little bit. Then you decide whether you liked A or B more. It's a fun way to explore new sensations and keep your focus on what you're feeling, rather than worrying about your scent. If he needs some ideas for things to try, Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Oral Sex is a great DVD on the topic. Or check out Violet Blue's book Ultimate Guide To Cunnilingus for a fun read.

It could also be helpful if you ask your boyfriend for some positive reinforcement afterwards. After all, you're moving into an edge of your comfort zone and you deserve some hugs for that. When you're ready to move on from the oral experimentation, you'll probably feel better about it if he tells you how much he enjoyed it and that he's glad that the two of you are trying it out. If he goes too far and starts seeming pushy about it, that could backfire, so a light touch is better. But that's a really good way to make sure that you end on a positive note.

I hope that this helps. I know that it can be really hard when exploring out things that feel uncomfortable. It's a good idea to stretch enough to give it a serious try without going so far that it's too much. Take it slowly and remember — you want it to be fun!

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Venus1 Venus1 5 years
But the key issue in this post isn't really about the poster not enjoying it. It is (and I quote) worry about smelling and tasting good so I rarely let him reciprocate. I wonder if I never get satisfaction when I let him go downtown (he has to practically beg!) because I can't relax enough to enjoy it." It is true everyone has different pleasures but in this case not relaxing is preventing pleasure. Personally I am bi-sexual (I chose not to go there in my previous posting on this one) and I would like to assure the original poster that there is nothing remotely unpleasant in going down on a freshly showered woman. In fact it is a lovely feeling and very stimulating.
Venus1 Venus1 5 years
But the key issue in this post isn't really about the poster not enjoying it. It is (and I quote) worry about smelling and tasting good so I rarely let him reciprocate. I wonder if I never get satisfaction when I let him go downtown (he has to practically beg!) because I can't relax enough to enjoy it."It is true everyone has different pleasures but in this case not relaxing is preventing pleasure.Personally I am bi-sexual (I chose not to go there in my previous posting on this one) and I would like to assure the original poster that there is nothing remotely unpleasant in going down on a freshly showered woman. In fact it is a lovely feeling and very stimulating.
Lenay Lenay 5 years
I don't enjoy receiving oral either, but for different reasons. I don't think that it's something that should be forced on someone. Everyone has different pleasures in bed. Some men just like to do that because they think that it's an easy "O". (Like taking gym for an easy "A" in school.) But if you don't enjoy it, you don't enjoy it. Tell him what you DO like.
Venus1 Venus1 6 years
Relax! Enjoy! It's the best feeling in the world. Normal hygiene will prevent any problems at all.
Girl101 Girl101 6 years
Hate to say it but I completely agree with the writer of the question. I love to give my hubby a BJ and love other intimate things, but I am self conscious about the way I might smell or taste to him. Its just so personal down there. He even complains that I don't let him very often, but when I do let him all I can think about is what if I smell bad or taste bad. So I end up never enjoying the time. I think it comes from a time in college when a boyfriend tried and almost threw up, I don't know if he was just not experienced (I was not at the time) or if it was me, but since then (and it was my first time for that) I just do not like anyone down there.
tatsauce tatsauce 6 years
So oral sex for a woman is one of the great pleasures in life and the best part is that your man will do it voluntarily! I have some guy friends that dare not do it for their girlfriends. Definitely take advantage of this! Showering real quick right before if you have time, or if you don't have time, you can use Feminine Wipes, Always makes them, Target also makes them, a few cents cheaper too. Also, you'll enjoy it a whole lot more if you wax or maintain in other ways.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 6 years
I agree with Tidalwave and Lolita89.As long you practice good hygiene, you should be fine.Personally, and this may be TMI, if you're also "maintained" down there (read: shaved, waxed, neatly trimmed, or any combination of the aforementioned), I think you would have even less to worry about. JMHO.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 6 years
I agree with Tidalwave and Lolita89. As long you practice good hygiene, you should be fine. Personally, and this may be TMI, if you're also "maintained" down there (read: shaved, waxed, neatly trimmed, or any combination of the aforementioned), I think you would have even less to worry about. JMHO.
TidalWave TidalWave 6 years
he wouldn't beg to go down on you if you smelled or tasted bad.
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