Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!
"I'm in my early 20s and just started dating this guy I feel wildly attracted to, but he says he doesn't perform oral sex ever. He says it's 'too subservient,' and he doesn't like the taste. He definitely likes to receive it, and I kind of like to give it, but I feel torn. Is this normal? OK? Or is this guy a jerk?"
To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say,
Some people adore giving oral sex and others have zero interest in it. I suggest letting go of the idea of “normal” and focus on what works for both of you. Is your boyfriend a jerk? If he’s generally considerate about most things, or if he mostly acts in ways that shows that he cares for and respects you, then I think that’s a very different situation than if he’s generally rude, selfish, or self-centered. Take a step back from the oral sex part of the equation and make an honest appraisal of all aspects of your relationship.
Assuming that he’s not a jerk, there are a few possibilities oral sex turns him off.
Some men have absorbed the message that vaginas are "dirty." If we (men and women) weren't taught somewhere that vaginas were icky, Eve Ensler wouldn’t have felt the need to create the Vagina Monologues. And even when we intellectually know that those messages aren’t true, they are incredibly tenacious. Does your boyfriend seem like he’s turned off by your vulva in general or does he avoid seeing it or touching it? If so, perhaps there are some deeper issues at play. On the other hand, if he enjoys pleasuring you in other ways, then perhaps it’s a sexual preference, rather than vulva-phobia.
Oral sex can have connotations of submission for many. Ask him what he finds “subservient” about it. If it’s about a specific position, maybe there’s a different way for you to do it, like 69ing, or having mutual oral sex, since you’d each be “serving” the other. Another possibility is that your boyfriend might be concerned about being good at oral sex, but afraid to ask for directions.
Fortunately, there are some great books and DVDs to help him out, if lack of knowledge is what’s blocking him. Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Oral Sex #1 - Cunnilingus is an excellent how-to DVD with lots of great tips and suggestions. If you or he prefers a book to a DVD, there’s Violet Blue’s Ultimate Guide To Cunnilingus. I’m also a fan of She Comes First: The...Guide To Pleasuring A Woman, although it’s not only about oral sex.
With all of these possibilities, the best advice I can give you is to ask him for more information about why oral sex doesn’t float his boat. The more you know about what’s going on for him, the easier it’ll be for you to decide what you want to do.