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Husband Doesn't Want More Children

Group Therapy: I Want More Kids, but My Husband Doesn't

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Hi . . . for those of you who think I am selfish with this feeling, I am sorry, but I need a little advice. I am happily married to the love of my life for four years now. We have a lovely 1.5-year-old toddler; however, being an only child, I did not have a smooth childhood and I always felt lonely. I really wanted a big family, but my husband who comes from a big family never wanted any kids.

I have talked about it with him, but he is adamant. I can not leave him because he won't give me another child, but I want my girl to have a sibling to grow up with, have secrets with, share all those siblingly things with. I want her not to be lonely and to have a blood relative when we the parents die . . . am I pushing my luck with my husband? He is a good man, but if he says enough, he means just that. He loves our daughter, but I want another child too without losing my lovely husband.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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relate11 relate11 4 years
waaaaw i now feel like an ungreatful little b*** guys. but thanx and i decided not to mention it. i cant imagine our life without him in it. he compromised to have one so i can compromise on a second. i love my girl and my man.... thanx God for them so lets just enjoy each other. hey guys, for the parents and those who can help, how do u start potty training and when?
relate11 relate11 4 years
waaaaw i now feel like an ungreatful little b*** guys. but thanx and i decided not to mention it. i cant imagine our life without him in it. he compromised to have one so i can compromise on a second. i love my girl and my man.... thanx God for them so lets just enjoy each other. hey guys, for the parents and those who can help, how do u start potty training and when?
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 4 years
When she's an adult, she'll probably have a husband and access to his local extended family too. So a sibling isn't mandatory for a happy old age. Maybe you're assuming that your experience is the same as what hers will be. Show your daughter how to be a great wife and you'll better prepare her for adulthood. Getting into continual power struggles with her father doesn't set a good example. Appreciate what you have.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 4 years
When she's an adult, she'll probably have a husband and access to his local extended family too. So a sibling isn't mandatory for a happy old age. Maybe you're assuming that your experience is the same as what hers will be.Show your daughter how to be a great wife and you'll better prepare her for adulthood. Getting into continual power struggles with her father doesn't set a good example. Appreciate what you have.
danakscully64 danakscully64 4 years
I'm not an only child, I have 3 siblings, and I'm only close with 1 of them. As another person said, having a sibling doesn't guarantee that they'll get along and bond. I've known people who hated their siblings so much that they couldn't be in the same room. Have you talked to a counselor about this? That might help open the lines of communication between your husband and yourself on the issue. If he doesn't want another and he's set in stone with it, I wouldn't push the issue. Having a child is one of the most life changing experiences, even if you already have one.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
I am an only child, and I love it. I very rarely feel lonely, even when I'm by myself. In fact, i think it has made me very independent. I also have a lot of really close friendships, my girlfriends and I call one another our "urban family." It has also made my relationship with my parents stronger; they live about an hour away from me and I still visit them about 3 or 4 times a month. Being an only child has a lot of perks, so don't think that your daughter is confined to a sad, lonely life.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
I am an only child, and I love it. I very rarely feel lonely, even when I'm by myself. In fact, i think it has made me very independent. I also have a lot of really close friendships, my girlfriends and I call one another our "urban family." It has also made my relationship with my parents stronger; they live about an hour away from me and I still visit them about 3 or 4 times a month. Being an only child has a lot of perks, so don't think that your daughter is confined to a sad, lonely life.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 4 years
You sounds like you have a really great family. Growing up as the eldest of three, I can straight up tell you that there are positives and negatives to having siblings. I mean, as much as I wish I had older ones, I don't. But I never take that as a bad thing. My sister was an accident, but she's the world to me. And my brother...he's the gem of the family. But as mentioned, your husband sounds like a really great man. He loves your daughter, and he obviously loves you. In the end, it comes down to compromise. Do you love him as much as he does? Which of you is willing to compromise? Give your husband a chance to think about his choice. Probing him about it will only push him away, and neither of you need that. Love, and cherish everything that life has already given you. If you were meant to have a second child, you will.
relate11 relate11 4 years
i am extremely thankful for all your sincere advice and i think there is a lot of sense in waiting. spacekatgal my dear, i apologize for saying he is a good man because he is more than that.... he is a wonderful husband, my best friend and confidant. we have a 10yr age gap and i thought that may be if i waited, he might say he is too old to go into sleepless nights and pampers again.however, he is a very sturbon man who will insist a spider has 4 legs even though he sees 8. our finance is ok for now and another (and last) child won't make much difference. he works hard for our family so if he insists that he does not want another, then i will learn to live with that. i can never leave him for not wanting another child.... my daughter has triplet cousins that she sees once in a while and i take her to stay-n-play groups.like joicebox07 says, i hate to live her alone because my family is in africa and my husnad's is in Iran...... you see my fear now? i am sure my girl will have a much more wonderful childhood because she has my love, attention and time and her dad adores her to bits.i think love,security and care are the basics for a good childhood but it would be awesome if she had a sibling for her adult and elderly life. i was not intending to have another child before she is 3 anyway coz i want her to enjoy her baby days. thanx guys
relate11 relate11 4 years
i am extremely thankful for all your sincere advice and i think there is a lot of sense in waiting. spacekatgal my dear, i apologize for saying he is a good man because he is more than that.... he is a wonderful husband, my best friend and confidant. we have a 10yr age gap and i thought that may be if i waited, he might say he is too old to go into sleepless nights and pampers again.however, he is a very sturbon man who will insist a spider has 4 legs even though he sees 8. our finance is ok for now and another (and last) child won't make much difference. he works hard for our family so if he insists that he does not want another, then i will learn to live with that. i can never leave him for not wanting another child.... my daughter has triplet cousins that she sees once in a while and i take her to stay-n-play groups.like joicebox07 says, i hate to live her alone because my family is in africa and my husnad's is in Iran...... you see my fear now? i am sure my girl will have a much more wonderful childhood because she has my love, attention and time and her dad adores her to bits.i think love,security and care are the basics for a good childhood but it would be awesome if she had a sibling for her adult and elderly life. i was not intending to have another child before she is 3 anyway coz i want her to enjoy her baby days. thanx guys
karlotta karlotta 4 years
I was a very happy only child, because I had a lot of friends. Then I was a very happy sister when my little brother was born, when I was 10. But I understand what you are saying; I really hope I have two kids, because that bond is something incredibly special and I want my children to experience it. My brother is the only person for whom I'd jump in front of a moving bus no questions asked (until I have those kids I suppose!) and even though we are worlds apart personality-wise, and there is definitely a small generation gap, I can promise you it doesn't matter. So you don't have two more years ahead of you to see if your husband changes his mind and wants a second one. You have until menopause. Don't sweat it - if he says no for now, you shouldn't push because men retreat when they are being forced into something. Discuss his reasons why not, give him your reasons why yes, and let time do its thing. Sometimes just planting the seed of an idea into someone's head is enough to see it grow on its own. In due time.
whats-her-name whats-her-name 4 years
I agree with the posters saying it may help to wait. Since your daughter is young, your husband may need more time to see her grow. Also, it may help your case if in a few years you still want another child and your daughter begins asking for a sibling... Best of luck to you!
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
It seems that you may be enjoying being mom, but is he enjoying being dad (despite that he appears to be a great dad)? Does he seem to be overwhelmed or overextending himself the way moms are too? :) And finances, is it tight? With the economy going the way it is, it's nerve-wracking for him as a provider (I'm assuming if I'm wrong, correct me), to add another mouth to feed. It appears that he 'compromises' with you on this one, after all, you mentioned on your post that he didn't want any kid, you guys ended up having a child together. I don't want you to 'bank' on fantasy that he would be pleased to have a 2nd child, because he may not be at all, and there's always a possibility that if you forced the issue and eventually got your way, he might resent you inwardly. There's nothing else but to do other than talk about it openly with him, presents your pov and see how he really feels about having a 2nd child now or in a couple years from now. Since you're going to asking him to consider your pov, it's only fair too that you start to consider his pov on why he doesn't want any more children too. Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
It seems that you may be enjoying being mom, but is he enjoying being dad (despite that he appears to be a great dad)? Does he seem to be overwhelmed or overextending himself the way moms are too? :)And finances, is it tight? With the economy going the way it is, it's nerve-wracking for him as a provider (I'm assuming if I'm wrong, correct me), to add another mouth to feed.It appears that he 'compromises' with you on this one, after all, you mentioned on your post that he didn't want any kid, you guys ended up having a child together. I don't want you to 'bank' on fantasy that he would be pleased to have a 2nd child, because he may not be at all, and there's always a possibility that if you forced the issue and eventually got your way, he might resent you inwardly. There's nothing else but to do other than talk about it openly with him, presents your pov and see how he really feels about having a 2nd child now or in a couple years from now. Since you're going to asking him to consider your pov, it's only fair too that you start to consider his pov on why he doesn't want any more children too. Good luck.
juicebox07 juicebox07 4 years
As an only child myself, I can empathize with your reasons for wanting your child to have a sibling. While I enjoy being alone a lot, that makes being an only child wonderful. However, a lot of times I do wish I had a sibling. My boyfriend and his sister have a great bond that I always wish I had in my life. The biggest reason is probably when my parents die, like you said. I will have to take care of my sick parents alone, plan funeral arrangements, and pay for all of that ALONE. (My parents have life insurance, but it's only enough to carry some of the cost). That's a lot for one person to handle. Especially if one does not have the money to do so. It's great that you are thinking about your child in your decision, whereas it seems your husband is only thinking about how another child will affect him. (Not that it makes him a bad person since children are expensive and a handful). Give it time. If he doesn't change his mind, you either have to accept that or move on.
juicebox07 juicebox07 4 years
As an only child myself, I can empathize with your reasons for wanting your child to have a sibling. While I enjoy being alone a lot, that makes being an only child wonderful. However, a lot of times I do wish I had a sibling. My boyfriend and his sister have a great bond that I always wish I had in my life. The biggest reason is probably when my parents die, like you said. I will have to take care of my sick parents alone, plan funeral arrangements, and pay for all of that ALONE. (My parents have life insurance, but it's only enough to carry some of the cost). That's a lot for one person to handle. Especially if one does not have the money to do so.It's great that you are thinking about your child in your decision, whereas it seems your husband is only thinking about how another child will affect him. (Not that it makes him a bad person since children are expensive and a handful). Give it time. If he doesn't change his mind, you either have to accept that or move on.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 4 years
If you've already discussed this with him and still gotten a "no" then I'd say wait a year or two before bringing it up again. Let him watch your daughter grow up and start to become a person, it may make him feel like he wants to experience that again. Men can have trouble with babies, but once they start to be a child who they can play with they see how much fun it can be. I too think that siblings are important, I don't know what I would have done growing up, or even now, if I didn't have my brothers. Still, if you nag him about this over and over it's just going to become a real issue in your relationship. Give him time to see how great your family is, and to come to a conclusion on his own that it would be good to see it grow. And if he doesn't ever decide to have another child? Realize that you are blessed, and that you can find ways to be happy with the family you have created together.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 4 years
This is something you really really should have discussed pre-marriage. But since you didn't...I'm assuming he won't change his mind. You say he has a big family, does your child have cousins she can play with? As far as your daughter's childhood being rough as yours due to lack of siblings, I think you're projecting your own childhood unhappiness onto your daughter. Maybe your husband is doing the same, trying to get away from the sibling-filled childhood that he had. I do agree with redhead about "banking a lot on your fantasy of what siblinghood is," you need to focus on getting her into playgroups and activities she can participate in and make friends in.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 4 years
This is something you really really should have discussed pre-marriage. But since you didn't... I'm assuming he won't change his mind. You say he has a big family, does your child have cousins she can play with? As far as your daughter's childhood being rough as yours due to lack of siblings, I think you're projecting your own childhood unhappiness onto your daughter. Maybe your husband is doing the same, trying to get away from the sibling-filled childhood that he had. I do agree with redhead about "banking a lot on your fantasy of what siblinghood is," you need to focus on getting her into playgroups and activities she can participate in and make friends in.
testadura67 testadura67 4 years
I'd say let it go for now. Your child is only 1.5 years old. You still have a few years before her sibling will be far too young to relate to her and share the "sibling bond" you're hoping for. Pushing the issue now will probably make your husband more adamant about saying no. Plus, siblings aren't guaranteed to be a good thing. Take a moment to try and see your husband's point of view about only having the one. Since you say he never wanted any, I think it was pretty big of him to compromise on one.
redheadedwoman82 redheadedwoman82 4 years
Here's the thing, pushign the issue will likely alienate him. Men are practical creatures, and he is most likely considering the financial and emotional drain another child could put on your relationship/family. I was raised as essentially an only child, with my nearest sibligh being 16 years older than me and out of the house before I could remember him. Honestly, if it is MAJORLY important to you, ask him aobut his reasons for only wanting one child and see if you can come to a time agreement to possibly revisit the idea of another one (say in two years). If he is still adamant, I'd say enjoy what you have, a lovely little girl and a devoted father and husband. Why risk losing that over something as silly as a sibling? There is as much fighting, bickering, and sometimes alienation (as witnessed with my cousins) with siblings as there is a bond...you're banking a lot on your fantasy of what siblinghood is, as opposed to what his reality was. You may want to take a more realistic look at the situation.
lcrox07 lcrox07 4 years
I think you should stick it out for a little bit. What's worse, your daughter not having a sibling, or your daughter not having her father figure in her life as much as she should?
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