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I Am Secretly Dating My Stepcousin

Group Therapy: I Am Secretly Dating My Stepcousin

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I fell in love with my step cousin when he stayed with my family for a month. We are not blood related in any way, but our families are connected.  We seemed to have this great connection right from the start. We seemed to understand each other completely, and became best friends in no time.  It became difficult for both of us to look at anyone else in a romantic light.

There are two main problems . . . first of all, our families have no idea right now and would not approve. Second, he lives on another continent, thousands of miles away. In order to pursue my love for him, I found a way to spend a few months with him by making up elaborate lies for my family. Being with him, I have realized that it will require a lot to make our relationship work. Despite that, he loves me like crazy and would do anything for me. I can't bear to see him upset at all either. But, I am very close to my family, and all these lies are really getting to me. I am not sure what to do . . . it will tear him apart if I were to end this relationship (and hurt myself in the process). But, I feel really anxious, fearful, and guilty because of all the lies that we have had to say to our families in order to be together.

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marcied23 marcied23 5 years
oh, i meant ;)
marcied23 marcied23 5 years
oh, i meant ;)
marcied23 marcied23 5 years
yeah, my only problem is the distance thing, the whole step cousin issue is really irrelevant, it's not your cousin, it's just some guy who happens to be related to someone that someone in your family married, whatever...my dad's sister dated my mom's brother at one point...it's pretty much the same thing. i don't get what the big deal is...but that's just me ;(.
wassy988 wassy988 5 years
If it were not for a piece of paper a few people removed, there would be only the issue of the long distance dating. Sure, marriage is most definitely a legal and moral issue, however, if there is not one ounce of related blood, I'd say go for it. You are the one who is accountable for you, and the same rings true for your love. Do what makes YOU happy and comfortable, and let the rest of the world have their judgments. If this is true love, you should feel comfortable in your love that you don't need to answer to any one else's misconceptions or opinions. You need to live for you, not someone else.
wassy988 wassy988 5 years
If it were not for a piece of paper a few people removed, there would be only the issue of the long distance dating. Sure, marriage is most definitely a legal and moral issue, however, if there is not one ounce of related blood, I'd say go for it. You are the one who is accountable for you, and the same rings true for your love. Do what makes YOU happy and comfortable, and let the rest of the world have their judgments. If this is true love, you should feel comfortable in your love that you don't need to answer to any one else's misconceptions or opinions. You need to live for you, not someone else.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
A relationship that necessitates that amount of lying is, 99.9999% of the time, NOT worth it. If you think it is worth it, you need to be prepared for the falling out with your family if you're positive they won't approve. How are you so sure they would not approve? If you are absolutely certain they will not approve, you have two options: side with your relationship and face falling out of family, or stick to your family and call off the relationship. Either way you're going to face some hardship, but it's really up to you as to which option you feel would be best for you.And, if you are very young, I agree with onlysourcherry.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
A relationship that necessitates that amount of lying is, 99.9999% of the time, NOT worth it. If you think it is worth it, you need to be prepared for the falling out with your family if you're positive they won't approve. How are you so sure they would not approve? If you are absolutely certain they will not approve, you have two options: side with your relationship and face falling out of family, or stick to your family and call off the relationship. Either way you're going to face some hardship, but it's really up to you as to which option you feel would be best for you. And, if you are very young, I agree with onlysourcherry.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
I'm tempted to agree with weffie. Even with blood lines completely out of the picture it still seems .... awkward. How old are you? It sounds like you are in high school. If you tie yourself to this long distance relationship, you're going to miss out on sneaking out to meet your boyfriend, him surprising you at your door with flowers, prom... so many of the awesome things about being young and in love.
ashleydawn ashleydawn 5 years
If you truly love each other I think you should give it a shot. I once dated my Mom's Sister's Husband's Sister's Stepson. We were not even related into the slightest but my friends still teased me mercilessly. I think if it is a powerful enouygh connection then you shouldn't walk away from it. #4 said that she would prefer one of the 7 billion other people on the planet, but honestly, how many of those 7 billion can you have an honest deep loving connection with? Not many.
weffie weffie 5 years
Personally, I prefer to date one of the 7 billion people on the planet that aren't related to me in any way... keeps things much easier. But step-cousin or not, anyone that requires you to keep lying to your family in order to date them just doesn't seem worth the trouble IMO.
Skeptic52 Skeptic52 5 years
Take the you two being SLIGHTLY related part out of the equation for a second (I wouldn't even KNOW who my step cousins are even if they lived in the same STATE, let alone a different country):Would the relationship itself, being on two different continents and all, be sustainable? Isn't that too far of a distance and way out of monetary grasp to keep that distance up (especially since you seem young enough that what your family thinks rules)? I personally think the relationship is doomed to fail for that reason alone.Now, for the "family" part of the equation, is it the "forbidden" that makes it appealing? I really don't think it's a big deal if it's your step cousin. But, that could be because I have an EXTREMELY distant family, so I have no concept of knowing and feeling any real closeness or commitment to people that far removed from my portion of the family tree. I don't see why your family would think that's such a big deal, either. I also don't see why it's ethically wrong. What difference does it make to anyone else? It's not biologically or legally messing up anyone else's lives. It would affect anyone's nuclear home unit. It wouldn't keep anyone else from being able to marry or reproduce. It's not really any of their business. If he were your step brother, sure, because it would mess up the order of the home. But, you two could never have known each other and it wouldn't make any difference to your family, you're that far removed. So, people trying to make you feel guilt for that is stupid. Don't. Maybe people will talk a lot of crap, but that doesn't make it WRONG (legally, biologically, or morally). Obviously his parents (your aunt or uncle or cousin or whatever) don't LIVE with you or anything...they don't even live in a neighboring COUNTRY. So...so what? I don't think it would work, but I don't think it's for a much more basic reason. I don't think the distance would work, unless you're both older, VERY financially successful, and one of you is willing to change citizenship and move across the globe.
Skeptic52 Skeptic52 5 years
Take the you two being SLIGHTLY related part out of the equation for a second (I wouldn't even KNOW who my step cousins are even if they lived in the same STATE, let alone a different country): Would the relationship itself, being on two different continents and all, be sustainable? Isn't that too far of a distance and way out of monetary grasp to keep that distance up (especially since you seem young enough that what your family thinks rules)? I personally think the relationship is doomed to fail for that reason alone. Now, for the "family" part of the equation, is it the "forbidden" that makes it appealing? I really don't think it's a big deal if it's your step cousin. But, that could be because I have an EXTREMELY distant family, so I have no concept of knowing and feeling any real closeness or commitment to people that far removed from my portion of the family tree. I don't see why your family would think that's such a big deal, either. I also don't see why it's ethically wrong. What difference does it make to anyone else? It's not biologically or legally messing up anyone else's lives. It would affect anyone's nuclear home unit. It wouldn't keep anyone else from being able to marry or reproduce. It's not really any of their business. If he were your step brother, sure, because it would mess up the order of the home. But, you two could never have known each other and it wouldn't make any difference to your family, you're that far removed. So, people trying to make you feel guilt for that is stupid. Don't. Maybe people will talk a lot of crap, but that doesn't make it WRONG (legally, biologically, or morally). Obviously his parents (your aunt or uncle or cousin or whatever) don't LIVE with you or anything...they don't even live in a neighboring COUNTRY. So...so what? I don't think it would work, but I don't think it's for a much more basic reason. I don't think the distance would work, unless you're both older, VERY financially successful, and one of you is willing to change citizenship and move across the globe.
mildlydelusioned mildlydelusioned 5 years
Helen is right that you have to move on and help him do so as well. Blood or no blood, he is still family. This could destroy both sides of the family in the process. Unless you believe that his love is worth the certain destruction that will follow, please do not do this.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
You'll have to get past this issue: "It became difficult for both of us to look at anyone else in a romantic light." Until then, you will be stuck pining for each other.It also sounds like your step-cousin is more invested in the romance than you are. This could make things messy, because he could be really hurt when you pull away. Be careful and sensitive about his feelings.Tell him that if he loves you, he will want a normal life for you. Love is not purely possessive. It is also wanting the best for the person you care about.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
You'll have to get past this issue: "It became difficult for both of us to look at anyone else in a romantic light." Until then, you will be stuck pining for each other. It also sounds like your step-cousin is more invested in the romance than you are. This could make things messy, because he could be really hurt when you pull away. Be careful and sensitive about his feelings. Tell him that if he loves you, he will want a normal life for you. Love is not purely possessive. It is also wanting the best for the person you care about.
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